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I don't know where else to ask for help


ohnoimme

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Hi all, I'm posting for advice/support. I'm 4 1/2 years into a very committed monogamous relationship with a (possibly?) ace person that I have no intentions of leaving. They have said at different times that they are ace and they have also said they don't think they are ace. We haven't had any sexually intimate contact since the first year of our relationship. They told me going in that they were grey-ace but not sex-repulsed and we compromised and made it work at first. They had a sexual assault experience at the hands of a stranger around our 1st year mark and that has completely shut down not only any kind of sexual intimacy, but also any real ability to talk about it. I have tried to bring up the topic, specifically to let them know that I don't blame them or have any expectations but that I just need to talk about it sometimes. They get really upset any time I bring it up and it always ends in an unproductive fight. 

Every other aspect of our relationship is so good and healthy and functional, we're really good at communicating about literally everything else and I just don't know what to do. I love them so much and even though it feels like they don't care how I feel, I know they feel really guilty about the whole situation and I don't want to make them feel worse. I just don't know how to bring up the convo again and have it go any differently. Should I even try to talk to them about it again? Do I need to work through this on my own (as my partner has suggested)? Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't really have anyone in my life I can talk to about this and it's wearing a hole in my brain.

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HonoraryJedi

Hey. This is clearly a very emotionally fraught situation, I'm sorry. Even when explained, there is no way I can really know what is going on between you, I can only work with some possibilities. If you want to talk about your sex life situation, but it is so tied into the sexual assault that they cannot be easily separated, then I can see how it might sound like "Hey, let's reshash your three years old trauma that you don't want to talk about because I'm not done dealing with it." to your partner. And if that is the case, if you need a space to deal with what happened to your partner, then it does make sense that you're asked to do it in your own time, perhaps talk about it with someone else, like a therapist. It might seem unfair to your partner that they have to deal with your feelings about their trauma.

 

As to the other side, about how this affects your sex-life in general, I see two possible sides. One is, you're unhappy with how this is right now, and would like a change. In that case I'd ask you to assume that nothing will change, and this will be the state of your sexlife forever, and consider how you feel about that. Will it be worth it? Does it feel bleak? This is the part that is about your feelings, so focus on those.

 

The other side is that you are genuinely really trying to make them comfortable and assure them that you don't have expectations. And in that case, the conversations you have clearly aren't helping. If you want to show that you're supportive and don't have expectations, that is not coming through in you bringing it up. I don't think it is possible to have that conversation is a specific way that makes it go differently. It is too wrapped up in fraught feelings. So if you really do want to show your partner that it is no big deal, and you're not asking for anything, then the way to do that is by not making a big deal of it and not asking for anything. Show don't tell, so to speak. This comes with the caveat that sometimes, in a relationship, you need to ask for things, because you're not happy with the way things are. In which case we're back to paragraph 2. But also, ask yourself what it is that you want out of that conversation. Then maybe you can have a different conversation, more focused on what you need going forward.

 

This post is a huge mess, because there are so many sides and I don't know what to focus on. 'The topic' you want to talk with your partner about is a number of things tied together, so it is hard to separate what that conversation is, and what you want out of it. Perhaps it will help to figure out what you want specifically, beyond just 'talking about it' which is vague.

 

 

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Hello there,

and welcome to Aven.

 

This is a very tough situation. I luckily haven't had the bad experience your partner has been through - I won't even try to pretend I get how they feel. As you haven't mentioned anything about it: did or does your partner get professional help to work through their traumatic experience? Did you both?

Because for me, as a complete layperson, it sounds as if they are just trying to stuff this into a dark corner in their mind and pretend it didn't happen... which might not be the best approach to deal with something this impactful in hopes that it will just go away and not ruin "their life" like that. And I'm honestly unsure whether talking to their partner about it (even if they are as accomodating and supportive as you seem to be) is "enough" in respect to this traumatic experience, even if they could bring themselves to do so.

 

If they have (but stopped), maybe they should start again. Maybe together with you? Because you seem to be heavily impacted by this still, too, which also is very understandable.

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a partnership means not working through this on your own. or their own in this case.

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Elizabeth Jayne

Hey, that sounds really hard. I am sorry to hear what has happened to your partner and that this is causing difficulties in your relationship. As someone who is ace and in a relationship with a non-ace person, I could share ways my partner and I have communicated about asexuality. First of all, I think it is great you are on AVEN. If you haven't already, I would recommend learning more about asexuality by reading journal articles written by ace spectrum people or the book "The Invisible Orientation." When my partner and I first started talking about this, neither of us knew that much about asexuality, and I felt really encouraged when my partner took an active interest in learning about it. I can also attest to the fact that it can be very difficult to figure out one is asexual, let alone talk to a partner about it. Going back and forth about identifying as ace as your partner did may just be due to the fact that asexuality is not widely understood and is somewhat stigmatized. Anyway, I think continuing to learn more about this could be a show of support and commitment to your partner. Maybe you could even talk about asexuality with them.

 

As for the sexual assault side of this, this seems like a situation where possibly you and them should really talk to a mental health expert. Please aware that if your partner is ace, they need to talk to a therapist who  accepts the existence of asexuality. Unfortunately this is a problem in today's world (https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/asexual-erasure-mental-health/). I can recommend the site BetterHelp for during the pandemic -- one of their questions to match you with a therapist has an option to put if you identify as asexual (first time I saw this on a questionnaire).

 

I hope you find the support you and your partner need and I hope your partner can heal.

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Firstly, thanks to those who responded. I really value your insight and perspective. I posted last night feeling really alone and distraught and it really helps to know that there are kind and understanding humans  out there who are willing to talk through this with me. 

 

Looking back on it, I think my original post left out some important context and info so here's some of that:

 

They are AMAB gender queer, and I am AFAB gender queer. We are both early-mid 30's. They have been in and out of therapy since age 8, currently not in therapy. I have only a few months of therapy under my belt and have been out of therapy for almost 3 years. We both know we need to get back into therapy, even specifically talking about seeing a sex counselor and pre-pandemic that was our plan, but I lost my job and there isn't quite enough financial flexibility for therapy right now. I think it's also important to mention that I had several sexual assault experiences as an adult prior to meeting my partner and abstained from sex for several years because I was traumatized. Our experiences were really different but I understand and empathize with that trauma as much as I can having not personally experienced their specific trauma. We are both diagnosed with ocd and depression (which we take meds for) they have bpd and I'm on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately I think this part of our relationship isn't something we'll be able to navigate on our own AND we won't have access to the kind of professional guidance we need for a while. Which is a rock and a hard place. 

 

I haven't brought up my feelings and frustrations about sex with my partner since before 2020 started and I think posting here is maybe me trying to vent in a direction other than to my partner because I'm starting to feel so bottled up that I might burst. I don't want to burden them with a convo they don't want to have, but it's also miserable to keep it all inside. I think I could be okay with us never having sex again if we could talk about it more openly. But having the whole topic off the table indefinitely is brutal, and feels like my partner wants me to be ace when I'm not. They have said in a past convo that it makes them sad that I feel like something is missing from our relationship because they don't. They feel like our relationship is whole as is, but I feel like I have to keep an entire part of myself a secret so I don't hurt them. If I could choose to be ace and just remove the whole complexity of the situation I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't be something I'm not. And I know my partner feels similarly about being allo. If they could choose to be different to make me happy they would, even though I wouldn't ever ask that of them. 

 

I think maybe there isn't an easy or currently accessible solution to this issue right now and maybe it just has to be difficult and unpleasant for a bit? I think talking about it and feeling welcomed here and reading your responses has helped me feel a bit better though. 

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

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2 hours ago, ohnoimme said:

Unfortunately I think this part of our relationship isn't something we'll be able to navigate on our own AND we won't have access to the kind of professional guidance we need for a while.

I think you nailed it here.  It’s the kind of thing you could both really benefit from navigating with the help of a trained, neutral party but that’s not an option presently.

 

If you make getting counseling for this part of the relationship something you will save up for as you can and do when you can, will that help with tabling it for now?

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Online counseling is available from sites like betterhelp in a lot of countries and they have payment plans / financial aid packages to make it cheaper. Also something to look into for those who can't afford in person therapy atm. 

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