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Questions for Allosexuals


solemnly_swear

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solemnly_swear

Hi! I‘m possibly ace, very confused, and have some questions about sexuality, sexual attraction, etc. that I’m not very clear on. I know most of this is based around personal experience, but I’m hoping to figure out what is about average for allosexual people.

 

1. What do you mean when you use the word “hot” to describe someone? Is there a sexual meaning to it/does it mean you’d want to have sex with this person, or is it a higher level of descriptive terms such as “cute”, “beautiful”, “handsome”, etc.? I tend to use it for people who are very conventionally attractive by societal standards/look like models.

 

2. How many people have you felt sexual attraction towards/how often do you feel sexual attraction towards others? When did you first feel sexual attraction?

 

3. What does a “crush” mean to you? Is it more about romantic or sexual attraction?

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Hello there @solemnly_swear

 

I don't know how many non-asexuals there are on this forum but I'll chip in my experience. 

 

1. Flatly I just mean attractive or eye-catching. But I rarely find myself talking about how "hot" people are, it feels very performed (I'm a guy, btw). I do now and then find myself thinking someone is pretty or nice to look at, but never to the point of wishing to comment.

 

2. I've felt sexually attracted to everyone I've had sex with I guess, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. But usually that's an in the moment or opportunistic thing. I think a lot of that is just being aroused/into the situation, rather than finding the person particularly eye-catching. 

 

That said, I've fantasied about sex with specific individuals before, which I suppose indicates a specific attraction to them. Sometimes those have come with slightly guilty feelings. 

 

I do believe, as the cliche goes, a lot of sex is in the mind. Other than high school nonsense and drunken hook-ups (I bought pretty wholesale into the drinking culture here), I had two "long(ish)-term" partners, one I met at college, and one I met over the internet. The first; we had regular sex which was all right, but the relationship itself was always lacklustre. I would say, as per your question, we found each other "hot" but that was the extent of our connection. The second, being over the internet involved "distance methods". But even though effectively all we were doing was mutually masturbating, in a way I enjoyed it more because we got on better and had more of a laugh together. The emotional connection made it nice - it is a fun way to bond. Sadly though in the end it also faded. Distance was the excuse, but ultimately I wasn't in love with the person. The "feel good" and "sweet nothings" in the aftermath turn to rot when you don't have the same feelings and can't earnestly reciprocate.

 

I don't really drink these days, so that whole world is pretty distant. I can pretty ably "take care" of myself, but I do kind of miss the buzz of knowing someone else is getting off with me. 

 

3. I don't have much experience with "crushes".  But I do think if you're romantically drawn to someone, wanting physical closeness is unsurprising. 

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solemnly_swear
3 hours ago, CBC said:

1. I generally use it to mean that someone is aesthetically attractive in a way that I'm aware is connected to my sexuality. Doesn't necessarily mean that I'd actually have sex with them, though. I tend to prefer sex with someone where there's an established deeper emotional connection.

 

2. Uhhhhh... I have no idea how to answer this in only one way. There's 'you're hot', there's 'I have a mild/moderate crush on you based on what I know of you' and there's 'I'm in love with you based on how we connect and sexual desire is part of how I express that feeling'. In the widest sense, too many to count. In a more limited sense where I might be willing to engage in sexual activity under the right circumstances, a few dozen? In the most limited way, 'I have strong feelings for you and/or I'm in love with you and this is part of our connection', I guess maybe.... five? Only two of which I've truly been in love with.

Both of those make a lot of sense! I think if I felt sexual attraction it would probably be similarly related/intertwined with romantic feelings and such. Thank you for making the effort to parse it out and describe your experience, it was very helpful 😊

 

1 hour ago, BeakLove said:

1. Flatly I just mean attractive or eye-catching. But I rarely find myself talking about how "hot" people are, it feels very performed (I'm a guy, btw). I do now and then find myself thinking someone is pretty or nice to look at, but never to the point of wishing to comment.

 

2. I've felt sexually attracted to everyone I've had sex with I guess, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. But usually that's an in the moment or opportunistic thing. I think a lot of that is just being aroused/into the situation, rather than finding the person particularly eye-catching. 

 

That said, I've fantasied about sex with specific individuals before, which I suppose indicates a specific attraction to them. Sometimes those have come with slightly guilty feelings. 

Hello @BeakLove! I very much agree with your assessment of the word “hot”, and thank you for sharing about your experiences with sexual attraction. I’ve been thinking about sexual and romantic attraction/emotional intimacy pretty separately and it’s nice to hear about emotional connection making sex better and vice versa :)

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1 hour ago, solemnly_swear said:

Both of those make a lot of sense! I think if I felt sexual attraction it would probably be similarly related/intertwined with romantic feelings and such. Thank you for making the effort to parse it out and describe your experience, it was very helpful 😊

 

Hello @BeakLove! I very much agree with your assessment of the word “hot”, and thank you for sharing about your experiences with sexual attraction. I’ve been thinking about sexual and romantic attraction/emotional intimacy pretty separately and it’s nice to hear about emotional connection making sex better and vice versa :)

You're welcome. You'll get a range of opinions on this, but I personally do not think it is sensible to talk about these attractions as separate, uncorrelated entities. While it's true you can experience sexual attraction without little/no romantic feelings, and get romantic/crushing feelings with little sexual component, I do think that it's unsurprising that they tend to lead to each other. Being sexually attracted will draw you to spend time with someone, and that time investment gives opportunity for attachment and feelings to develop. Equivalently, I think being romantically attracted and developing emotional closeness naturally leads to a desire for that closeness to be physically manifest, as well as allowing trust to develop that allows it to be so. I think there are some people on here, self-labelled "demi-sexuals", for whom that is particularly true.


Emotional connection will make pretty much any activity better, not just sex. If you love someone, something as tedious and mundane as washing dishes can be elevated and be special! Ultimately, in a mechanical sense, all sex is, is two (or more[!!]) people getting off together. Provided there's nothing physiologically wrong i.e. you're actually capable of feeling sexual pleasure, and all involved are on the same page, it'll be as good or as bad as you want to be. It just so happens that sexual stimulation itself feels good, someone else feeling good enhances our own pleasure, and the "set-up" required to engage in it motivates a lot of other intimacy (touching, sensual, massaging, mutual nudity, talking, feelings etc.)

 

I think this is sometimes what some self-described asexual people are getting at when they say they do it for their partners and they enjoy it because their partner gets pleasure and the emotional connection it motivates. But getting enjoyment out of things you mightn't normally because it's with someone you care about is not that unusual, either. 

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On 8/1/2020 at 1:43 AM, BeakLove said:


Emotional connection will make pretty much any activity better, not just sex. If you love someone, something as tedious and mundane as washing dishes can be elevated and be special! Ultimately, in a mechanical sense, all sex is, is two (or more[!!]) people getting off together. Provided there's nothing physiologically wrong i.e. you're actually capable of feeling sexual pleasure, and all involved are on the same page, it'll be as good or as bad as you want to be. It just so happens that sexual stimulation itself feels good, someone else feeling good enhances our own pleasure, and the "set-up" required to engage in it motivates a lot of other intimacy (touching, sensual, massaging, mutual nudity, talking, feelings etc.)

 

I never understood sex feeling good until I experienced sexual feelings, tbh. I had four relationships prior to the one I am sexually into. The guys tried a lot of stuff. I tried a lot of stuff. Nothing felt good. They could have spent the time picking my nose or poking my tongue for all I cared for it. Masturbation also made little sense to me. It just all seemed so blaaaah and useless for me. 

 

Then... met my wife, became sexually attracted to someone for the first time ever and voila. It all felt good. Same acts that used to feel awful, now feel good. 

 

It is odd how for some, libido is very much tied up into the emotional connection. 

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I found it really weird to have zero libido until I had a partner I was into sexually. Then my libido is pretty average (still sometimes low, but couple times a week average). So many people on AVEN talk about being horny and all for no reason. And orgasms possible without any partner. And I'm just here like... literally tried for 15 years to find any pleasure in anything sexual and without the partner I wanted, nothing worked. With my partner, nearly anything works. And it took 5 tries to find that specific connection. :lol:

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17 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah I can imagine that would be a very weird experience. Without a partner I'm pretty... average... and shit like bad mental health days get in the way of giving a crap about something like libido. I can still certainly have orgasms without a partner, never once had a problem there at all, but my interest in masturbation is about... I dunno, 2-3 times a week without someone to connect it to. In the context of sharing that experience with someone else, I'm fine with pretty much daily lol, although extra-shitty days or exhaustion can still get in the way. But I tend to still want affection. Here and there I have times where I just want quiet aloneness as well, though.

Yeah. Was certainly odd. 30 years never had an orgasm, never wanted to masurbate and who knows how many toys / attempts at making it anything but annoying (seriously, sexual touch always just annoyed me, cause it was sensitive but actively felt bad ... like tickling when you hate being tickled). Then suddenly wanting to do that stuff, even solo now if my partner turns me on. :lol: We did one of those yes, maybe, no lists before we met. My nos were extensive. My maybes were major. My yes answers were rare. Now my yes answers are most, my maybes are there and my nos are rare. 

 

So essentially everything I learned about myself sexually for 30 years no longer counts cause none of it is accurate. All because I finally find someone sexy. :lol:Though, I imagine if we ever break up, then I will go back to my previous non-sexual state. And finding someone else to spark it may take another 30 years!

 

You finding your attraction to men equaling your attraction to women now you're with a guy you're into?

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On 7/31/2020 at 7:50 PM, solemnly_swear said:

1. What do you mean when you use the word “hot” to describe someone? Is there a sexual meaning to it/does it mean you’d want to have sex with this person, or is it a higher level of descriptive terms such as “cute”, “beautiful”, “handsome”, etc.? I tend to use it for people who are very conventionally attractive by societal standards/look like models.

It can mean a) they are conventionally attractive or b) I experience low-level sexual attraction. Since I'm emotionally monogamous and celibate by choice, I don't want to have sex with anyone. But recognizing sexual attractiveness means there's some level of sexual response there, which I handle with professional courtesy and respect since I'm an adult with healthy inhibitions. 

 

On 7/31/2020 at 7:50 PM, solemnly_swear said:

2. How many people have you felt sexual attraction towards/how often do you feel sexual attraction towards others? When did you first feel sexual attraction?

 

I've lost count on the first question. I'd say I definitely was feeling it by middle school.

 

On 7/31/2020 at 7:50 PM, solemnly_swear said:

3. What does a “crush” mean to you? Is it more about romantic or sexual attraction?

Depends on the circumstances or person. It can be purely an intellectual thing as well. 

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On 8/2/2020 at 4:34 PM, Serran said:

I found it really weird to have zero libido until I had a partner I was into sexually. Then my libido is pretty average (still sometimes low, but couple times a week average). So many people on AVEN talk about being horny and all for no reason. And orgasms possible without any partner. And I'm just here like... literally tried for 15 years to find any pleasure in anything sexual and without the partner I wanted, nothing worked. With my partner, nearly anything works. And it took 5 tries to find that specific connection. :lol:

That’s exactly how my husband has described his life and we are yet to actually find anyone feeling the same, he has recently realised that he is Demisexual after some soul searching and honestly. I’m also Demisexual but not in the same way as my husband, he has never felt anything, no sexual attraction or sexual urges, he tried sex a few times but hated it (only forced himself as he felt weird not being like other guys) he couldn’t feel anything or even in pleasing himself, he’s still unable to please himself without me actually being there or he can’t feel anything, once he met and fell in love with me he’s able to feel everything. Nice to know he’s not alone. 

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5 minutes ago, Lw3 said:

That’s exactly how my husband has described his life and we are yet to actually find anyone feeling the same, he has recently realised that he is Demisexual after some soul searching and honestly. I’m also Demisexual but not in the same way as my husband, he has never felt anything, no sexual attraction or sexual urges, he tried sex a few times but hated it (only forced himself as he felt weird not being like other guys) he couldn’t feel anything or even in pleasing himself, he’s still unable to please himself without me actually being there or he can’t feel anything, once he met and fell in love with me he’s able to feel everything. Nice to know he’s not alone. 

Heh, yeah, it's not common. I describe myself as a vole living amongst swans. A vole species studied by scientists were recorded as basically unable to have any physiological sexual response to anyone but their mate. Swans are socially monogamous, but sexually into lots of other swans. I relate way more to the voles! :lol:

 

I can self-stimulate if I have material my wife has provided me (naughty pics or something of her) or I focus on how it feels (emotionally) to be with her. Otherwise... does nothing for me. And any other people has the opposite effect - absolute turn off, cause "NOT MY PARTNER". It's caused some conflict in our marriage, cause she's into a  lot of other people sexually speaking. 

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17 minutes ago, Serran said:

Heh, yeah, it's not common. I describe myself as a vole living amongst swans. A vole species studied by scientists were recorded as basically unable to have any physiological sexual response to anyone but their mate. Swans are socially monogamous, but sexually into lots of other swans. I relate way more to the voles! :lol:

 

I can self-stimulate if I have material my wife has provided me (naughty pics or something of her) or I focus on how it feels (emotionally) to be with her. Otherwise... does nothing for me. And any other people has the opposite effect - absolute turn off, cause "NOT MY PARTNER". It's caused some conflict in our marriage, cause she's into a  lot of other people sexually speaking. 

That’s exactly the same for my husband, when we were first together he tried to hide all this from me and pretended to just be a regular into sex guy, I didn’t know anything of this until two months ago after 18 years lol not funny though. So I always assumed when he said he pleased himself thinking of me or had to do a post vasectomy test that pics were ok for him turns out he was never able to experience an orgasm. So I’m learning a lot about him. I guess I found it hard to believe he was able to participate in sex with others but feel nothing have no orgasm yet still Ejaculate which I found really hard to believe so caused issues until he realised about Demisexuality and then confessed that although he can do enough to send off a test sample he can’t have an orgasm of feel pleasure unless it’s with me and I’m actually physically there. We’re still learning, he’s basically unable to feel anything at all for anyone, which is lovely for me l guess, what wife wouldn’t want that. I’m also Demisexual but I do experience sexual urges but I’m unable to actually have sex with anyone so in a similar way my husband was the only person I made a connection with enough to want too. Crazy times.   

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That must be tough, I like how people look but I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone, I think men and woman are both equally nice to look at lol 

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1 minute ago, Lw3 said:

That must be tough, I like how people look but I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone, I think men and woman are both equally nice to look at lol 

The only tough bit is when I am with someone who needs to get off sexually to other people. Since I can only experience that for my partner, it feels ... like it takes something away from that connection when they seek out experiencing it for/with others. Then I end up losing it entirely and revert to no sexual feelings at all. 😛

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6 minutes ago, Lw3 said:

That’s exactly the same for my husband, when we were first together he tried to hide all this from me and pretended to just be a regular into sex guy, I didn’t know anything of this until two months ago after 18 years lol not funny though. So I always assumed when he said he pleased himself thinking of me or had to do a post vasectomy test that pics were ok for him turns out he was never able to experience an orgasm. So I’m learning a lot about him. I guess I found it hard to believe he was able to participate in sex with others but feel nothing have no orgasm yet still Ejaculate which I found really hard to believe so caused issues until he realised about Demisexuality and then confessed that although he can do enough to send off a test sample he can’t have an orgasm of feel pleasure unless it’s with me and I’m actually physically there. We’re still learning, he’s basically unable to feel anything at all for anyone, which is lovely for me l guess, what wife wouldn’t want that. I’m also Demisexual but I do experience sexual urges but I’m unable to actually have sex with anyone so in a similar way my husband was the only person I made a connection with enough to want too. Crazy times.   

 

Just now, Serran said:

The only tough bit is when I am with someone who needs to get off sexually to other people. Since I can only experience that for my partner, it feels ... like it takes something away from that connection when they seek out experiencing it for/with others. Then I end up losing it entirely and revert to no sexual feelings at all. 😛

Aw no, I see, that’s hard to deal with, I would feel the same as you, although I love my husband and he is the only connection I have made and can have sex with him, when we’re not connecting emotionally I’m unable to enjoy being with him sexually, so I need our emotional connection to be really strong too. So I definitely understand how you feel in that way, the sex feelings can so easily be turned off for me lol

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anisotrophic

1. I don’t use it. I guess I can “see” it, but I’m not feeling anything sexual. I don’t fantasize about strangers.

 

2. idk maybe a dozen, and I’m four decades into life. Strength can vary wildly, I’ve had some that were much more “opportunity” (safe, I like them, it’s nice), and others that were hard-to-ignore, very strong desire (generally when I “fall in love”).

 

3. I don’t like the word... I guess I say “attracted”, or “fallen in love” when it’s something that only gets stronger and just won’t go away (eg by getting to know someone better). I only feel this way about someone I “know” (even if it’s basically text interactions!), not strangers.

 

I’ve never considered myself to have unusual sexuality.

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anisotrophic
8 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yep, I know this one very well...

How I met my spouse, many years ago. ;) And damn that English accent got me, first time in the phone! I still remember it...

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3 minutes ago, CBC said:

Ahaha... English accent, you say? I know that experience well too. I'd be happy to sit and let Tele talk endlessly about pretty much anything imaginable. Although apparently he feels similarly about my boring Canadian voice, lol. I suspect there's more to the appeal than just the accent factor...

I love my wife's accent, tbh.

 

Though I am very, very ready for the voice calls to end and just lay in silence cuddling already. 

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anisotrophic

I don’t “hear” it anymore, of course, and I think it’s very shifted to American after a decade and a half here, though I’m told by others they still hear it. Ah well.

 

But yeah, knowing someone was always necessary & far more important. I could have sex for “fun” but even then needed to know someone a bit.

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