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Is my husband on the asexual spectrum?


Zoltan

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I’m sorry - this will be long. 
I have only started learning about asexuality very recently. I apologize if I don’t fully understand it , It is all very new to me. But I’ve been reading the forum for the past few days in hopes to understand the situation I’m in. 
I’ve been married to a wonderful man for  6 months now. We have been intimate twice.  First time I kind of initiated it but he was super responsive. Second time ( 2 weeks later ) he initiated it and was incredibly into it. Both times were great and I didn’t expect it to be the only times we had sex. We were under a lot of stress so I blamed the lack of intimacy on that. But time passed and he still didn’t seem interested. So naturally I blamed myself, I have spent nights overthinking what is wrong with me and why he doesn’t want me. One day I tried talking to him about it and he just said that he was never very sexual and that even things like cuddles and kissing aren’t something he thinks about. 
He spent majority of his childhood in foster care where he wasn’t very happy and wasn’t given any form of touch as a positive emotional response. He also spent some time in a group home. I know his ex girlfriend from 15 years ago. She confirmed that him and her were intimate only a handful of times. They reconnected few years ago a had sex only once that time. 
When we first started talking he was hardly ever trying to be sexual in conversations and I just took it as a very respectful thing.  He did initiate few hotter conversations tho. And when we have decided to be together he said he wants me as a whole - including my heart, mind , soul and body.  When I moved in we were cleaning his place up and I have found old libido pills - he quickly explained that he used to took it in hopes to increase his energy ( not sexual).  I have also found a container with some powder for keeping the fleshlight clean ( he was single for 5 years before we have met ).  So I’m super confused. 
He doesn’t really like sexual jokes. He isn’t watching porn. Sometimes I get the feeling he is kind of embarrassed when there are some more explicit naked scenes on tv. But sometimes he’s totally fine about all that and will joke himself. We are both in our mid/ late thirties. He has two kids from his previous relationship. So he had quite a few partners before me. 
I was battling my mind over this for months now. I really don’t want to bring this up again in fear that I will just push him further away in this matter. Plus I have a big fear of rejection and tend to not even ask. 
I have spoken to his ex ( the one I mentioned ) and she suggested he might be demisexual. This is something I have never heard about before , and this is how I have learned about spectrum of asexuality. But if anything I would say he’s very into sex at the beginning and then loses his interest pretty fast. So kind of an opposite of demisexual ( correct me please if I got it wrong)   
Before I try talking to him I would like to understand more , mainly because he’s not into labels and I know he doesn’t know much about it all either. 
I love my husband deeply, he’s an amazing human being and we are working on our relationship every day. But this is one area we don’t touch.  And it bothers me a lot. It makes me feel unwanted ,unattractive and since my sexual drive is pretty high - unsatisfied. 

I’m trying to understand if this situation is my fault and he’s simply

-not into me physically ( even tho he says I’m attractive and calls me gorgeous often ) ,

-emotionally ( even tho he says he loves me it might be not that type of love?),

or

-is his libido just very low

-is he on the asexuality spectrum ?
 

I admit that in my ignorance I have always thought of asexuality as simply lack of sexual desires and no interest in sex. Since he has/ had some sexual desires I ruled this possibility out.  But then  I have found this forum and I have learnt that there’s way more to this. And it could be just the reason behind this. 
I would never want to pressure him to anything or make him feel uncomfortable in any way, I also don’t want to push him away by approaching the subject in a wrong way and I would love to find a solution where we both are happy.  This is why I would love to have some input from you guys and hope someone could help me decode this before I bring the subject again. I would like our next conversation about it to be more informed. Our previous one wasn’t and I think I was left with more questions than answers.  

 

Im sorry if any of it is phrased in an offensive way, it’s all very new to me and I have never experienced it before, I’m trying to learn and educate myself. Any advice is super welcome! 
 

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Hello! Welcome to AVEN!

 

As for your concerns, I know you're unsure about talking to him about it again, but our policy is that we don't label other people, people have to label themselves. I personally think you should bring up the concept of asexuality to him and see what he thinks about it. Even if he is asexual, if he doesn't want to label himself that there's nothing anyone can do.

 

1 hour ago, Zoltan said:

I have spoken to his ex ( the one I mentioned ) and she suggested he might be demisexual. This is something I have never heard about before , and this is how I have learned about spectrum of asexuality. But if anything I would say he’s very into sex at the beginning and then loses his interest pretty fast. So kind of an opposite of demisexual ( correct me please if I got it wrong)   

A rough opposite to demisexual would be called "fraysexual", it's similar to what you described as being into sex during the beginning of the relationship and those feelings fading over time. 

 

Communication can go a long way, aand if you're scared to communicate with your partner then maybe that's also something you two should work on. If you two are very much in love with each other, but the only thing lacking is sex, I would think it's safe to say he loves you and is somewhere under the ace umbrella- and there's nothing wrong with that. 

 

If you two aren't showing much love for each other in general, then I would look into talking about it with each other.

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This speaks to me more than you might understand. My wife and I were in a near exact situation you have described. recently married, I have had sex and with multiple partners. But when we do, it's few and far between and it's always because of me. I think about sex, I do have a physical attraction to people, but I don't desire sex and when I have it I got board quite quick. As far as my self exploration I think I am coming to terms with the fact I probably fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum but not liking labels i just don't really just find something to point at and say "this is me". I just don't like that personally. But regardless the lack of sex was putting a strain on my marriage with my wife as she as an over active sex drive. She actually suggested that we look at being polyamorous as a solution, and thinking about it i was ok with that. If you want to go down that route openness is the best thing. she always lets me know what she's up to, who she's seeing if she's going to be gone any extended period of time. Not saying this will be your solution but it has seemed to work for us. 

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we can answer questions, and mention things, like how thinking you are unloved just because love isn't being communicated to you in a certain way is irrational, and common. but we ain't the conversation the two of you ought be having. only you can represent you, and only they can represent them. you want to be more informed? great, get more informed together. don't shy away from putting things on the table and then ask why they are not discussed.

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Thank you so much for your replies! 
 

I wish we could just sit down, talk about it and find answers together. He is the type of a person that needs to have ‘ideas’ presented to him in order to spark his interest and get involved. That’s why I’ve decided to open up and ask here. If I was just bring up the subject of possible asexuality he will say : I dunno, maybe.  And the conversation would pretty much end there. But if I have more information and idea of the subject, he would have a more active role in the conversation. I have my own issues and one of them is to find courage to start a subject that I know can be touchy, embarrassing or can cause him to shut down.  So I’ve learned by now that I get his energy if I can provide more info than questions. And it also makes me feel more comfortable opening up without overwhelming fear of knowing that we will have to start the subject over at some point. We are both working on it, as we realized that this is one of the communication barriers we both have ( me having huge anxiety over expressing my feelings , and him needing everything explained step by step so he can actually focus on the subject ). 
We show our love for each other in many beautiful ways. And I understand that everyone has a different definitions / expectations/ ideas on that. To me one of the ways is being physically intimate ( that includes sex but it’s also any type of touch ) I’m trying to understand his feelings on that   And I would love him to understand mine. I hope that we can find a compromise that suit us both and makes both of us satisfied. 
like I’ve said, I’m just really confused of the change that happened (from someone who seems to be interested and enjoying sex to someone who all of the sudden shuts down the idea completely ). It definitely made me feel unwanted , unloved , unattractive and confused. Without any knowledge about asexuality spectrum , I felt like I’m doing something wrong. Like all this is my fault. He would say ‘good morning gorgeous ‘ or show his love in all the other ways but show no interest in sex. And it was super difficult to grasp what’s going on. Why the sudden change, why still showing me affection if he doesn’t want to sleep with me, why still care and make plans if he doesn’t feel the attraction. Without any idea that it might be just who he is , and basing my expectations on my previous relationships - it was hurting both of us. Me - because I felt unwanted and confused. Him - because I would get sad and couldn’t explain why.  
I have never heard of the fray sexuality before. And after reading more about it and receiving a pm from someone who is fraysexual and explained how his excitement goes away but love stays- I’m  pretty positive that this is the most possible direction that his sexuality is at. 
I’ve noticed that his excitement dies out pretty quick in other things in life. Some stay tho, which gives me hope.   
Ive said before that he doesn’t like labels, me neither, and it’s not about putting a name on this, it’s me trying to understand different parts  of asexuality. So once we finally have this conversation I can show him that there are other people who love like him, have him explore the possibilities, hopefully find parts that he can relate to and to make it easier for us to communicate about it. Plus it will make it easier for us to find out how other couples make it work. 
I have read about one solution being trying polyamorous relationship. It’s not something I feel comfortable at this moment. And I know he isn’t too. We have few friends who are poly or are in open relationships and way back I asked if he was ok if we were in an open marriage - he said no.  And to be honest I feel the same.  I wouldn’t call myself a demisexual but I do need an emotional bond with the person I’m sleeping with. I don’t want to have that bond with anyone but my husband.  He’s the only one I feel the desire for. Maybe , if we can’t find a different compromise /way of keeping us both happy in this area, we might change our minds in the future. But for now , I just want to help him to figure out the reason behind his lack of interest in intimacy and make sure he doesn’t feel like there’s ‘something wrong ‘with him, or that I’m being pushy / forcing him to do things he doesn’t want.  I believe that understanding ourselves first ( on any matter ) , helps us deal with things in a  better and more healthy way. I know that if I show him different possibilities , he will be more eager to explore it and feel like I’m on his side and show genuine interest in working on it, instead of just throwing my expectations and concerns in his face. 
 

So, saying all that, I believe that he might be in the fray area. Which really helps because now I know that it might not necessarily be me who’s doing something to push him away, but it’s just who he is. Of course I hope we will try to look into  other possibilities , like low testosterone or (still ) me being the issue. But I’m happy that there’s an area we can explore. 
I would love to hear from other people who are either fray or are in a relationship with a fray person:

- did realizing that this is the reason behind lack of sex helped your relationship?

- how did you approach the subject with your partner?
- as a fray person what will keep you interested and enthusiastic in the relationship? 

- how do you make it work, apart from agreeing on seeing other people? 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, Zoltan. 
Your relationship sounds very familiar to me, though I’ve been married for over 20 years and now just finding this community. 
Did you talk with your partner?  How did it go?  

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  • 2 weeks later...
Steadystate44

"I’m just really confused of the change that happened (from someone who seems to be interested and enjoying sex to someone who all of the sudden shuts down the idea completely ). It definitely made me feel unwanted , unloved , unattractive and confused."

 

Zoltan, I feel for you. This was my experience too. When my current bf and I met about four years ago, I knew he had some issues with sexuality (trauma related), but had no inkling that he may also have a different orientation to sex. When we were together a short time back then, he was very sexual, and then all of a sudden it dropped off. We parted for other reasons (I am not a big fan of people who flake on plans), but got back together about a year and a half ago.

 

Based on the characteristics of our previous sexual interaction, I expected things would progress toward that again. I didn't. We have a loving, romantic relationship- but no sex.

 

Other aspects of your situation I can relate to is that you don't want to force the idea on anyone and that you have a hard time bringing up topics when the other person is showing discomfort with them.

 

What I have learned is that ignoring my own nature leads me to be very resentful. I knew this was not the basis for a loving relationship. I didn't like feeling that way myself and I certainly didn't want to inflict resentful behavior onto him. I think two things: no sex, and not talking about my needs lead to eventual resentment.

 

Our answer at the moment is to have an open relationship. Not sure if it will work for the long haul because it runs against how I would generally prefer to relate. As an introvert, I don't have a lot of social energy and I find dividing my social time between my romantic primary partner and my "friend with benefits" is somewhat of a strain.  So no easy solutions to offer.

 

Just wanted to let you know I can relate to some of your challenges and frustrations. I believe it is possible for people with different orietations to sex to enjoy a romantic connection (in your case, a marriage; in mine, a primary romantic relationship for two older adults who have "been there, done that" -2 prior marriages a piece). I don't think there are any easy answers, but communication (as SmaragdineSpellCastor  and gisiebob are saying is a necessary ingredient.

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If he is asexual, then he will never ever desire, lust for or need sex. If @Zoltan first of all, can grasp that, then they can discuss the options. Zoltan has to accept that she can be perfect, but it will not trigger him. In fact all those sexual games, i did. It backfired so much. If i grapped her from behind and whispered sweet words, then she would freeze and not understand why i did that. A schedule and agreed upon timeframe/scenario, then sex could be okay. And an agreement that it was for my sake. 

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