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What is love? Do I like my best friend?


Fishoutofwater

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Fishoutofwater

For a very long time I've tried to answer the question "what is the difference between platonic and 'asexual' love?"

It's in my nature to just ignore things until they go away, especially when it comes to feelings. But when I get stuck on something, it keeps floating around my head and quarantine gave me more time to think and AHHHHH

Sorry, rambling. Anyways, I'm an (infp) 18F in my last year of secondary school. In the last year or so I've accepted that I'm most likely bi and asexual. Since I've been on depression meds for a while I cant really say the latter for certain (side effects of medication), but it suits for now. I've also never been in a relationship.

My dilemma is that I don't know if im into my best friend, or if I just love her so very much platonically. You see, sometimes I get really excited about a friend and I want to spend all my time with them and they make me laugh and feel great and happy. Its when I finally feel I can be myself around someone, and they genuinely enjoy my presence and I don't have to put up any 'mask', for lack of a better word (I know, cringey).

But obviously, from consuming so much media directed at teenagers I've begun to think "should I have had any sort of relationship by now? Or at least a semblance of a crush on someone? Maybe I have, and didn't realise". Honestly, the way I see it is that a relationship is built because of compatibility and the want for it. So in my brain I think "I love being around them, and if they ask me out id say yes bc why not?" 

Anyways, my best friend, 18F ace (intp), whom I've known for 3 years, is the person I am now always excited to see. I've considered this is what could possibly be labelled as a crush. But i could also just be projecting my want to be like a normal teenager and have a crush on someone??? Either way, my friend doesn't like anyone outside her family to hug or generally be in her personal space. She's also not great with maintaing friends so I'm pretty sure I'm her closest friend. Which is mutual bc I try spend as much time with her as I can. I'm quite affectionate with my closest friends but I've obviously learnt to adjust to her needs. I want to hug her and cuddle and I want to be the closest person to her (which I have felt with other best friends at some point). I can't really talk to her about whatever it is I'm feeling bc if anything is ever too awkward shed hide away and then it wouldn't b the same. I also can't talk to my other friends about this. 

Tbh, I don't see how being in a relationship with her would change anything other than to validate that she feels the same feelings I do. Maybe I'm a pessimist but I really don't see her having any sort of crush on me. So I can go back to ignoring this until it goes away.

I really don't know where I'm going with this...

I think I'd just like some insight and to know if this really is a crush, or just me wanting to have something dramatic in my life. And what's the difference between platonic love and asexual love?

Sorry it's so long, and thank you for getting this far.

 

TLDR; what's the difference between platonic love and asexual love? The answer might make me realise I have feelings for my best friend.

 

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Hello! Welcome to AVEN 🍰

 

We're excited to have you here!

 

As for your concerns, I'm demiromantic, so I've been in a similar situation where I developed romantic feelings for my best friend 3 years into the relationship. Before anyone tries to classify what you're feeling, I think it'd be good to take a look at the different types of attraction.

 

Sexual Attraction: I'd like to have sex with this person

Sensual attraction: I'd like to cuddle and hug this person

Romantic attraction: I want to date/be in a romantic relationship with this person (+ maybe kiss and stuff)

Aesthetic Attraction: I think you're pretty

 

Crushes usually fall under sexual/romantic, and since sexual is off the chart maybe consider whether or not you really want to date your friend, or if you just really want to cuddle and hug her a lot? I tried finding the more visual attraction chart unsuccessfully, but there's lots of other posts explaining it!

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Lord Jade Cross

Sorry, couldn't resist.

 

With regards to your story, some phrases make it sound as if this is a very affectionate platonic relationship. In many cases, what tends to set things apart is the exclusive attention for one specific person that others, while in the same group or so, may not get. Ultimately of course, you have to be the one to decided what is it that you're feeling.

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On 7/31/2020 at 6:16 AM, Fishoutofwater said:

TLDR; what's the difference between platonic love and asexual love? The answer might make me realise I have feelings for my best friend.

For me, personally, the difference between platonic and romantic feelings is whether I feel sensual attraction in that I want to hold a person's hand, cuddle on the sofa with them, etc. while spending a lot of time with them. I want to spend a lot of time with my platonic friends, too, miss them when I haven't seen them or heard of them for a time, and have great affection for them. But I don't want to hold hands or cuddle with them because I'm not much of a touchy-feely person (no negativity intended).

You seem to be a person who shows affection in general more physically. (As someone maybe more on your friend's side of things there: thanks for toning it down for her, this can really help a lot, by the way. 😉) So my distinction won't help you much.

 

That leaves the dating-typical things and (if you lean towards the monogamous) the question of exclusivity.

Do you feel like you'd like to have an exclusive and different bond with her than with your other close friends?

Would you like going out with her in a different way than other platonic friends?

 

On 7/31/2020 at 6:35 AM, Jade Cross said:

With regards to your story, some phrases make it sound as if this is a very affectionate platonic relationship.[...] Ultimately of course, you have to be the one to decided what is it that you're feeling.

Just from your story, I get the same impression as @Jade Cross Annoyingly, only you can really know what's going on inside you in the end.

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Grey-Ace Ventura
On 7/31/2020 at 12:16 AM, Fishoutofwater said:

Tbh, I don't see how being in a relationship with her would change anything other than to validate that she feels the same feelings I do

SAME

 

I wondered for a while if I'm into my best friend as well. I couldn't tell for a while because even though I'm sexual, I originally didn't have any sexual feelings for him, they crept up a bit later (I'm also trans and that disrupted my discovery of my sexuality for a while). The thing that really helped me to figure it out though was that I got really jealous when he was talking to me about this guy he was into because I wanted to hear him talk about me that way. So my advice would be to imagine your friend being with another person romantically, and think about if you would be jealous and why. Most people would be jealous if someone just stole their best friend from them, but if you would feel jealous because you'd want to be your friend's SO and kinda be one with her, then it's likely you'd have romantic feelings for her. I hope this was at least slightly helpful and good luck!

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