LucyDiamond Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I’m new to this. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We haven’t had sex in 2 years and before that it was a rare occurrence. He’s mentioned once that he thinks he may be asexual. I didn’t really understand. After reading more about it, I think I agree that he is as well. It’s something I’ve struggled with as I’m allosexual. I guess I’m just looking for other people that have made their relationships work with a mix. Any advice would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
Madelise Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 I'm demisexual and my partner is allosexual. We're still in a LDR at the moment, so actually having sex hasn't happened/come up for us yet. I used to be completely sex-repulsed and I wasn't sexually attracted to my partner at first. Now, I'd say I'm somewhere between sex-indifferent and sex-favorable (perhaps). I know when the time comes, my partner is going to be in "the mood" more often than me. It's just about compromise I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Its a really difficult situation. I think the key is to see if there is a compromise that makes you BOTH happy. If not, I can't recommend staying in a marriage where one or both of you is significantly unhappy with your sex life. I say this having been married for > 30 years in a badly mismatched marriage. I very much do not recommend it . For some people, sex is absolutely essential to their happiness. For others, it is a deeply unpleasant experience. You have to be honest with yourself about how much it matters to *you*. No one else can answer that. One very important suggestion: Don''t wait for things to change - that is very unlikely to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Marmalade Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I've never been in an allo relationship so I don't have personal experience but I can tell you want I've heard. based on the frequency, it doesn't sound like he's comfortable with having sex. But I think you should ask him about it, tell him your needs and see how comfortable he would be. Try not to do it in a way that would pressure or guilt him, as many aces would already struggle with feelings of guilt for not being able to provide. There are many aces in allo relationships that are comfortable with having sex for their partner, are there are many aces who aren't. My advice would be to figure out where your husband falls under this and go from there. If you both would feel comfortable with it, an open relationship were you can seek sex elsewhere might be best for you to both feel satisfied in your relationship. As those above me have said, its about both of you communicating your needs and level of comfort, and possibly compromising in some areas. Best of luck to you both! Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 @LucyDiamond have you discussed poly/open? If you're otherwise happy together – not rushing into it, but learning more about it – some sexual partners have had success. Don't underestimate the complexity of it, but it can take a lot of "pressure" off a relationship to "be" a certain way! (My generally sense is that it's usually cishet men that rush it a bit, e.g. with a wife that says "great, go do that and leave me alone" → mess ensues. I'll attribute that to some broad issues around gender norms & patterns of sexuality...) There's a couple books out there that are good resources, e.g. "Opening Up" & "More Than Two"), and some other folks might point to further resources if you're interested in learning more. (Note that I'm suggesting this because two years sex-free is probably a strong indicator that the other two approaches aren't great "solutions". (1) you're celibate – this is unlikely to be happy for you, or (2) you ask for sex and he's sometimes willing to do it – if you've gone two years sex-free, this seems unlikely.) He's also welcome to get his testosterone checked, if he's interested in it, but that's usually not the issue... (even if low, raising T mostly affects "arousability" and that's often just a small part of the whole sexual dynamic – at least, that's my personal experience with it!) Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 Quote He's also welcome to get his testosterone checked, if he's interested in it, but that's usually not the issue... (even if low, raising T mostly affects "arousability" and that's often just a small part of the whole sexual dynamic – at least, that's my personal experience with it!) Or he could be like me (low T, went on shots for a year because of it), in which case it won't even do that. Hormones apparently influence a lot, but with me it's usually felt like they skipped me over. I never understood "hormonal" teenagers, even back when I was supposed to be one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
brbdogsonfire Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 20 hours ago, LucyDiamond said: I’m new to this. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We haven’t had sex in 2 years and before that it was a rare occurrence. He’s mentioned once that he thinks he may be asexual. I didn’t really understand. After reading more about it, I think I agree that he is as well. It’s something I’ve struggled with as I’m allosexual. I guess I’m just looking for other people that have made their relationships work with a mix. Any advice would be great. For my partner and I being able to come to a mutual understanding of how each other felt helped us both understand what the other wanted and the negative ways our personal wants were Impacting the other. It's very common,not saying you are doing this as your post in no way implies it, for the sexual to feel they are shouldering all the downsides, and it is normal for the asexual in that same relationship to feel they are the one baring the downsides. Once me and my partner were able to understand the ways each other were trying to do for the other and how we both felt we were doing all the work it became much easier to work together to find a solution that worked for us both. We have tried being in an open relationship and that doesn't work for me, the sexual, due to personal hang ups about it. We have settled on pre-planned sex in a fairly regular intervals. I am the one now that brings up reducing the frequency of sex for my partners sake, and she brings up if we need to increase how often we have sex for my sake. So we are actively aware and looking out for each other's well being. This has eliminated the resentment that was growing early in our relationship and at least from my perspective seems like we have a strong foundation to continue our relationship into the future. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 Well, if there is love and harmony, then there is a reason to try for a solution. (Not a compromise) You will never be sexually desired and he will never need you sexually. This is your sacrifice. Perhaps you can find nice ways to have activities, which you both can enjoy and which gives you a sexual satisfaction. We have sex (an aid with my masturbation) done out of love, put in a schedule, usually wordless and quite focused on my succes. Occasionally she can enjoy and likes me to reciprocate, but my low expectations are important. Link to post Share on other sites
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