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Non-relevancy


TheLadyOfBees

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TheLadyOfBees

Out of curiosity, how many of y'all have considered sex and relationships at some point "Not relevant" or "not applicable" to your life?

 

Not quite questioning or really paying attention to more intimate attraction at all, moreso stating "That isn't a part of me" and moving on.

 

I fairly recently started to try to take some attention to relationships (which is indirectly how I've ended up here), but I had that mindset for 2ish years. Whenever someone asked if I was seeing someone or if found someone attractive, I would usually end up saying the aforementioned in one way or another. Has anyone else had this same experience? Does this represent you today?

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Galactic Turtle

@TheLadyOfBees For around a decade before I found out about asexuality (so around age 12 or so) that has been my mindset not just with sex but with dating and in general that whole "sector of life." It was always something "older people" did then that morphed more generally into something "other people" did as those in my age group began participating in those sorts of relationships. Just like most people have their own style and come across clothes in the store and think "that's very not me" then keep moving along.

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That's pretty much how I've felt for most of my life. 

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Janus the Fox

Moved to Asexual Relationships

 

Janus DarkFox

Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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That represents me a lot. Technically if people have asked I just say I'm not with anyone at the mo (so as not to admit that I've never been in a relationship to all the straight people around me) but mostly I just don't think of being in a relationship and the concept just feels completely odd to me (though I am super independent so that could add to it). The only time I don't feel like relationships aren't important to me are when I consider my future as I've always loved rom-coms and I've always imagined that one day I would just magically end up in a relationship (which then leads me to thinking I should be trying to be in a relationship now despite it not feeling the need for it).

 

And technically yes this does still represent me but who knows if this will change 😕 

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Janus the Fox

Same, even though I'm in one.  It's not Applicable as in Not Necessary, being in or out of a relationship, has made no difference to me.

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I've felt that way about both before. With my current partner is the only time that I've felt like sex is even relevant to my life at all (or could mean something to me). As for romance/relationships, I wasn't really big into the whole dating scene until my freshman year of high school.

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I wouldn't say "not applicable" but if I'm single then relationships are definitely not relevant to my life. Friendships yeah, but I never actively seek out sex or a romantic relationship. If one develops over time then that's what happens, I didn't plan for it. If I were single and someone asked me if I was seeing someone I'd say no, and if someone asked if I found someone attractive I'd just say "I don't care" or "Meh"

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Rainy Robin

This resonates with the mindset I've had for awhile now! Before I realized I was ace, I didn't think about relationships (either romantic or sexual) as applicable to me. It was easier to ignore then because I was in a high school friend group that didn't have many people interested in romantic or sexual relationships, so the possibility of me having a relationship never entered my mind. 

 

I held the same mindset (and still do) in college partly because I didn't feel relationships were / are applicable to me now. That might change in the future, but this mindset works for me because college life can be hectic and adding a relationship to the mix seemed like too much for me to handle. 

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Tried it, found no benefits in having them, moved on. Romance isn't something I take into consideration when I make decisions, it's just never a factor for anything. It only affects me when people talk to me about it or if they can't do XYZ with me because they're with their SO or something.

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Violet of the Stars
1 hour ago, Galactic Turtle said:

@TheLadyOfBees For around a decade before I found out about asexuality (so around age 12 or so) that has been my mindset not just with sex but with dating and in general that whole "sector of life." It was always something "older people" did then that morphed more generally into something "other people" did as those in my age group began participating in those sorts of relationships. Just like most people have their own style and come across clothes in the store and think "that's very not me" then keep moving along.

This is exactly how I thought about it! Romantic relationships just aren't part of my thought process.

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TheLadyOfBees

A lot of very interesting replies so far, with everyone agreeing/relating in some way or another (although that might just be confirmation bias.)

 

Getting a wide variety of what that concept means to people though. From people saying how they're not seeking relationships at the moment to not getting anything super significant out of them. Especially interesting hearing how people on different parts of the aro spectrum relate to this, but in different ways.

 

Personally, I had my 2 year stint because I had just got out of a wretched relationship and said I was indefinitely "done" with relationships until I managed to get some more personal issues of mine sorted out. What largely caused the current end of that mindset atm was finally gaining some more self-esteem and positivty towards intimacy. Processing sex and physical intimacy as a malicious and hurtful act was, uhhh, not helpful. I've more or less got through that now and I'm at a point where I consider I could(?) be in a relationship but it's taken the back burner and just isn't a priority right now. Not quite "Not relevant," I'm thinking about what I want/would want, but not really active either.

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TheLadyOfBees
17 minutes ago, CBC said:

That's exactly how I felt when I joined AVEN and was questioning whether I might be asexual. Spoiler alert: I'm not. But back then, I know I used those exact words at times. Sex and relationships felt completely irrelevant and inapplicable to my existence, and at that point in my life they were. I was just mistaken in thinking the reason for that was possible asexuality.

Thank you for sharing your experience CB!

 

Ironically, I actually dismissed any thoughts of potentially being asexual during that time. I attributed my attitude towards personal struggles and told myself I wouldn't be able to accurately judge sexuality or lack thereof. It's only now after being more confident and comfortable with myself and finding that I still don't seem to be feeling sexual attraction/desire that I'm questioning.

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TheLadyOfBees

Everyone's journey is different. We'll see where this venture takes me.

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12 hours ago, TheLadyOfBees said:

Ironically, I actually dismissed any thoughts of potentially being asexual during that time. I attributed my attitude towards personal struggles and told myself I wouldn't be able to accurately judge sexuality or lack thereof. It's only now after being more confident and comfortable with myself and finding that I still don't seem to be feeling sexual attraction/desire that I'm questioning.

This is just like mine. I attributed my lack of intrinsic motivation to form relationships to depression and unattractiveness, until it got drilled in my head enough that the latter wasn't how other people saw me.

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TheLadyOfBees
5 minutes ago, Snao Cone (me) said:

This is just like mine. I attributed my lack of intrinsic motivation to form relationships to depression and unattractiveness, until it got drilled in my head enough that the latter wasn't how other people saw me.

I'm really glad to hear that you've been able to get a more honest and positive outlook on yourself. That's not an easy thing.

 

I give major credit to a recent very sex and attraction-positive friend group for getting me out of that headspace. Having people around that actually think you're attractive and are honest about it is such a perspective changer.

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I always looked at it as something not relevant in my life. Not that I ever really had the choice growing up since that topic was pretty taboo in my house but by the time I got into my 20s I knew that something was off with me in that department. Luckily for me shortly after I did discover asexuality as a thing that exists. It would be a few years after that I would find this ironically xD

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Sex, yes; I was at one point, considering I am nonlibidoist.  Can't really claim that anymore, considering my current relationship with someone who is not, though.

 

I've not been as closed off to the idea of relationships, although it was not something I ever really pursued on my own.  It's more like "the chase" wasn't applicable to me.  There's a lot of, err, courtship rituals, that I still really do not understand.

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I find sex not applicable to my life, but relationships not as much. If someone I'm interested in romantically also has an interest in me and there isn't any reason I wouldn't want to go out with them, then I'm totally open finding out if I want a relationship with them. However, I'm not really the type of person to ask someone out or make the first move because it's just not a priority for me.

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