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Can super gentle sex be a kink, because uh . . .


WoodwindWhistler

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WoodwindWhistler

I've just been pondering lately about 'obsessions' people have, and how mine tend to be, well, you read the title. If I read anything explicit, I get super uncomfortable that the 'default' seems to start out gently and end roughly. Like, I'm most into it when a receiving partner is being given ample reassurance and/or from the top's POV they're worrying a bit about hurting the other. So my interest grows, peaks, then shrivels up by the time 'climax' is reached, so to speak. 

I mean, this really doesn't come as a surprise, given that I've talked at length about how people can climax without even touching a partner or themselves.

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/134947-sex-n-or-sex-p-can-i-just-go-ahead-and-coin-the-term-sex-cautionary/

But, that wouldn't necessarily disqualify a person from rough stuff, I guess. 

The reason I mention the word 'kink' is that I've written two, by now almost novel-length stories that at times involve magic mechanics that makes just mindless plowing a danger (in one story, to BOTH partners) and I just- feel like that should qualify as some sort of fixation, ya know? Haha 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GXp15fJjgzJGzoQLOIYThLIcsRUWau5jsqQPr9KsGAw/edit?usp=sharing

 

And I've read about Tantric practices about 'holding' inside someone for various purposes, whether it's 'edging' or just simple transfer of energies (if you believe in that sort of thing) 
 

I mean I know the term 'rose petal' which is like majorly soft kink, and also that kink isn't necessarily even sexual at all, but eh. 

So, mostly a question asked in jest, but please feel free to do some serious contemplation and analysis on it, too. 




 

 

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everywhere and nowhere

One thing I know is that I don't want to have any kind of partnered sex ever, but... in a way, I support the idea. I have seen even people who simply don't like "rough sex" being shamed and ridiculed for their preference - this is absurd and harmful.

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You're referring to vanilla sex pretty much, which is the opposite of a kink, lol. You like the idea of gentle, normal, non-explicit sex, and that's totally okay ^_^

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1 hour ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

 

receiving partner is being given ample reassurance and/or from the top's POV they're worrying a bit about hurting the other. So my interest grows, peaks, then shrivels up by the time 'climax' is reached, so to speak. 

I kind of worry when reassurance / making sure consent is still there / making sure everyone is enjoying themselves is considered some sort of oddity enough to be considered a kink...

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If it involved detailed roleplay of some kind then it might be a kink, but if you just like it gentle then I think it would be a reasonable and fairly common preference. 

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Fraggle Underdark

I think this could definitely fall within the range of what people normally refer to as kink. For example take ASMR videos. Sure sultry talking isn't uncommon in sex, but if someone really enjoys that, especially a video with just that, and doesn't enjoy the other parts of sex, that seems like the sort of thing people refer to as kinks. 

 

Note that it's possible to have a breast fetish. Sure most gynosexual people like them (or at least het guys do, I'm less familiar with other gynosexuals) and enjoy interacting with them during sex. But some people need to do that, or don't enjoy anything else, or even just have an intense focus on it.

 

Personally I'm not very kinky but I've come across a lot of kinky stuff over the years. Not necessarily normal kinks like bondage, all sorts of things like diapers, furries, unusual forms of control, gender-bending, other-things-more-graphic-to-describe-but-still-pretty-soft, etc. It seems to me there's a certain vibe or feeling to a kink, a kind of focus. You might find a piece of erotica where that activity or element is involved, but sometimes you find erotica where you sense that that element is the point, where the creator(s) really play it up in a way that nobody else does.

 

Of course words are just words, and whether you or anyone else decides to use the word 'kink' for something... well that kind of matters only to them. It's not like there's legal protection for kinks or anything. But I'd like to chime in that in my experience, yeah the focus you're describing reminds me of the feeling I get from other things that people call kinks.

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I'm pretty sure this is actually just normal, tbh.

 

The "rough" variant has just been glamorized and glorified by things like porn to the degree that it seemed to viewers like the new normal (and that the people who prefer it more "gentle" are actually the weird ones).

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11 hours ago, Serran said:

 

 

I kind of worry when reassurance / making sure consent is still there / making sure everyone is enjoying themselves is considered some sort of oddity enough to be considered a kink...

There's nothing wrong with consensual non-consent though.

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3 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

There's nothing wrong with consensual non-consent though.

Never said there was. But, even in that people have multiple ways of ensuring consent is still present before, during and after. 

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3 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

There's nothing wrong with consensual non-consent though.

But it's very wrong if people are taught that sex should be "rapey", rough, that Asking For Consent Kills The Mood... Enjoying "rough sex" is one thing, but it's a completely different thing if people engage in that just because they are told that only having gentle sex = not being "adventurous"...

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4 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But it's very wrong if people are taught that sex should be "rapey", rough, that Asking For Consent Kills The Mood... Enjoying "rough sex" is one thing, but it's a completely different thing if people engage in that just because they are told that only having gentle sex = not being "adventurous"...

I find it really weird when people say asking about consent verbally kills the mood. Like... I would rather get an enthusiastic yeah do me than a tentative passive partner any day? How is that a mood killer? 

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5 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But it's very wrong if people are taught that sex should be "rapey", rough, that Asking For Consent Kills The Mood... Enjoying "rough sex" is one thing, but it's a completely different thing if people engage in that just because they are told that only having gentle sex = not being "adventurous"...

I'm not saying that asking for consent kills the mood. Some people are just into rape. I have fantasies about rape and violence, and I fantasize about being in an (emotionally and otherwise) abusive/toxic relationship. No one's asking for consent there. It's just a kink, it's just a fantasy. It’s not worrying.

 

I haven't noticed that media (or whatever) is teaching people to think that sex should be rapey but maybe I just don't pay attention.

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nanogretchen4

It may well be a mild kink in the same family as edging, depending on the details of the stories you write on this theme. If you pretty much can't find any vanilla erotica that does it for you because you aren't on board with the typical increase of speed and intensity that many people require to climax, that's going beyond what an average person means by gentle sex. If your stories have just a few lines in which the characters promise that they will always be gentle, or if there is one sentence informing us that gentle sex took place offstage, that's more like sweet romance and less like a kink. If you are writing erotic romance with detailed sex scenes strongly focusing on how characters climax without touching or whatever that seems more like a kink. Also, it sounds like there is an identifiable top and bottom in the erotica you prefer, and you prefer the characters to be worried about potential roughness and resolve that worry in the scene, rather than it being a non-issue that never comes up. If two characters just happened to both prefer super gentle sex and had super gentle sex from beginning to end without either party ever needing to worry about it or talk about it, would that scene be hot to you or would it lose all of its erotic charge? If tension about the need for gentleness is a key erotic component, I think that's a mild kink.

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Sounds like a perfectly normal preference, and about as vanilla as it gets.

 

On 7/30/2020 at 10:37 AM, Salmiakki said:

There's nothing wrong with consensual non-consent though.

The important part of consensual non-consent is the "consensual" part, ensured by thorough negotiation beforehand and the use of safewords throughout, which is where the "reassurance / making sure consent is still there / making sure everyone is enjoying themselves" bit comes in.

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16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

I get that there's some kink stuff that really needs to be clarified beforehand, and if it's any given couple's first time then it's better to be clear, but in an established relationship, yep, I can absolutely see how explicitly asking for consent every time you do something you've done many times before, you know your partner likes, and you can read them well, can kill the mood, and more importantly, isn't necessary.

If you prefer not to, that's OK. But I don't see how "ask me every time for consent" is special/odd enough to be a kink. 

 

My wife and I ask every time before we do things. Sometimes we want to, sometimes we don't. What she likes one night changes to the next. For us, there is no mood without express consent. I dont consider it a kink though for us to be clear with consent. 

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38 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Oh, I didn't mean it was a kink, just that many couples get to know what each other likes sexually, just like they know what food they like, what films they like, etc. and the hardcore 'ask everything everytime' tendency would possibly get more annoying than anything else. But if stuff's going to change, as in your case, it makes sense to ask.

Non-verbal consent is a common thing yeah. Personally, I cant do that as roughly five years of "no means nothing" has given me a freeze response. So, if I don't say yes then my wife assumes no. And she tends to say yes when she doesnt want to due to similar issues, so we have to make it very explicit. 

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nanogretchen4

Explicit verbal consent is not a kink when the purpose is to ensure consent. It's a good precaution. Explicit verbal consent in erotica can also be an attempt to model healthy behavior. However, if a large number of pages in the erotica are given to very detailed negotiations about a very specific type of sex the protagonist is comfortable having, at some point that becomes the main theme of the erotica. That may be the case with the fiction described by the OP.

 

An analogy would be safer sex during the 1980's. For most people, using condoms and other barriers was an important safety precaution. Some erotica would mention condoms to try to promote safe practices. Once I read a story where a character said, "Actually, I have a latex fetish. This is great!"

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
WoodwindWhistler
On 8/2/2020 at 12:42 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

It may well be a mild kink in the same family as edging, depending on the details of the stories you write on this theme. If you pretty much can't find any vanilla erotica that does it for you because you aren't on board with the typical increase of speed and intensity that many people require to climax, that's going beyond what an average person means by gentle sex. If your stories have just a few lines in which the characters promise that they will always be gentle, or if there is one sentence informing us that gentle sex took place offstage, that's more like sweet romance and less like a kink. If you are writing erotic romance with detailed sex scenes strongly focusing on how characters climax without touching or whatever that seems more like a kink. Also, it sounds like there is an identifiable top and bottom in the erotica you prefer, and you prefer the characters to be worried about potential roughness and resolve that worry in the scene, rather than it being a non-issue that never comes up. If two characters just happened to both prefer super gentle sex and had super gentle sex from beginning to end without either party ever needing to worry about it or talk about it, would that scene be hot to you or would it lose all of its erotic charge? If tension about the need for gentleness is a key erotic component, I think that's a mild kink.

"because you aren't on board with the typical increase of speed and intensity that many people require to climax,"

Yes, exactly. You got it. 

I can fantasize and have both characters cum with barely any friction whatsoever. I consider that to be in the 'normal distribution' realm of my inner life. In fact, it's usually better when it's achieved from just the 'holding pattern,' with the stilled Tantric technique. 

It isn't vanilla sex, it's like vanilla sex, minus something. Can there be an INVERSE to kink? A negative number value on this scale? HAHA

"Also, it sounds like there is an identifiable top and bottom in the erotica you prefer,"

Are we talking about what I read, or what I write? Because for the second, in at least one story, it definitely applies that both characters are 'switches,' in the sense that it's uncertain which might 'hurt' the other. It's not directly related to physical bottom/top. And they have to do a lot of talking about it. 

"without either party ever needing to worry about it or talk about it, would that scene be hot to you or would it lose all of its erotic charge? If tension about the need for gentleness is a key erotic component, I think that's a mild kink."

That is a very good question!! I will have to reflect on it. 


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