Lonely_Zebra Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Hi everyone! I just found this forum, I hope you can give me some guidance. My partner is a 25 year old man and we've been on a semi distant relationship for over 6 years, we get to spend a few days together every other month. From the beginning we took things very slow (first relationship for both of us) it took us like a year to start making out and have foreplay. He loves to touch and kiss me, he says he finds me very atractive, but didn't seem to be interested in taking things any further for years. He didn't even want to climax. It was rather frustrating for me, but I didn't want him to feel pressured to do something he didn't want to so I never complained. Only last year he said he was curious and wanted to have sex, but the few times we tried he couldn't keep his erection. He feels very guilty about that and for "making me wait". I'm not sure if he is asexual or just has performance anxiety plus a very low libido. I know I should talk with him, but I'm afraid if I speak about this it will only make him feel worst. Link to post Share on other sites
brbdogsonfire Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Lonely_Zebra said: Hi everyone! I just found this forum, I hope you can give me some guidance. My partner is a 25 year old man and we've been on a semi distant relationship for over 6 years, we get to spend a few days together every other month. From the beggining we took things very slow (first relationship for both of us) it took us like a year to start making out and have foreplay. He loves to touch and kiss me, he says he finds me very atractive, but didn't seem to be interested in taking things any further for years. He didn't even want to climax. It was rather frustrating for me, but I didn't want him to feel pressured to do something he didn't want to so I never complained. Only last year he said he was curious and wanted to have sex, but the few times we tried he couldn't keep his erection. He feels very guilty about that and for "making me wait". I'm not sure if he is asexual or just has performance anxiety plus a very low libido. I know I should talk with him, but I'm afraid if I speak about this it will only make him feel worst. You should talk to him about it and see what he thinks. Others will post long more thought out responses but that is what they will all boil down to. We don’t try to stick labels to people as only they will know themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Hi. Welcome. From what you said, it's possible that he doesn't really know himself how he is sexually. Sometimes it's hard to know. I'm not very sexual and also have low sex drive, and I can understand how he might feel. It's possible that in his mind he still thinks sex could be good or feels he should be able to do ti, but just isn't there emotionally. Maybe it's how he is, or maybe it's something affecting him. Some people do take time before they feel the fuller sexual attraction to their partner (demisexual people), so it's still possible that he could be sexual, but just isn't there. This is a case where both of you might not really know. And i hope you can be understanding of that. It is good to talk about it so long as you can be understanding, though it depends how you both feel. It doesn't mean that you can't be yourself. If sex is important to you, then it's up to you to decide what to do. I've had someone leave me because sex was important to them, and I understand that, even if it sucks. You both have to be true to yourselves Link to post Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 There are hundreds of different ways people experience sexuality. The best thing you can do is learn on this site until you stop feeling the need to stick a label on your partner and can be open to his needs regardless of how he might fit in a box. And yes, do talk about it with him. You can't have a relationship without communicating. Learn about this together. Make it clear it's a curiosity, not a "diagnosis" or something similarly condemning. He clearly loves you, and I think you are approaching this from a place of open-mindedness, so I wish your relationship the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely_Zebra Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 Thanks guys, you're right, I shouldn't try to stick a label on him. I'll try talking with him Link to post Share on other sites
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