Can we be whatever sexual orientation we want to be?

[Ellie6]

We’re often told that we can be whoever we want to be. Does this apply to sexual orientation as well?

 

i don’t know who I am but I know I want to be heteromantic. Is that enough?

[GingerRose]

Ya sure. U b U!

Fly free!

Feeling along with wanting helps too, but ya know, whatever works for you!

[Grimalkin]

Ehhh. I mean, I'd really like to be heterosexual. But I'm not, and wishing isn't going to change that. 

 

Maybe your sexual/romantic orientations are more fluid than mine, but generally speaking, wishing your sexuality one way if it leans the other ain't going to do much. Otherwise gay conversion therapy would actually, y'know, work. 

 

I think sexual/romantic attraction is something you discover, rather than something you can mold to fit how you want your life to be. 

[Philip027]

Quote

We’re often told that we can be whoever we want to be.

That is a lie, so to answer your topic question... no.  Some things will simply be beyond your ability to become/achieve, no matter how much you may wish it to be otherwise.  That's just life.  (That's not to say that you should never bother trying to achieve anything, but rather that you should temper your expectations and keep them in check to avoid unnecessary levels of inevitable disappointment.  Don't chase unreasonable goals, in other words.)

 

Kids are often told this idealistic sort of thing so that they are led to think that life is more fanciful and wondrous than it actually is.  It's the same reason why the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus "exist".  Apparently people just feel too damn guilty about bringing kids into what they must think is a shitty, dreary existence that they end up having to make these idealistic-sounding things up just to make said existence seem more appealing to the kids than it is to themselves.  It's a cute little bubble that seems all nice and inviting, until it inevitably pops.

 

But anyway, people want what they want.  A lot of gay people probably wish they could just be more like "normal" hetero people and not have to face the judgment and persecution that being gay can garner in certain areas of the world, but they can't just switch that off.  The best they would be able to do is to "fake it" and get into a straight relationship anyway despite being gay, and maybe barring a small handful of exceptions, that isn't going to be healthy for either of the people in the relationship.  It likely isn't going to fool them (most people aren't that stupid and will recognize something is up eventually), and it certainly isn't going to fool yourself.

[BeakLove]

Your sexuality is just a description of your general pattern of attraction.

 

I think you have scope to address thought patterns that might lead to potential attraction being suppressed; whether that's shaming from childhood, a traumatic event, internalised homophobia etc. And insofar as we can control our feelings i.e. we're more likely to feel attracted if we want to, there is some scope there. 

 

But you can't actively force yourself or will yourself.

[A-Panda]

2 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

We’re often told that we can be whoever we want to be. Does this apply to sexual orientation as well?

 

i don’t know who I am but I know I want to be heteromantic. Is that enough?

I don't think wanting has much to do with this area of things, sadly, as @Grimalkin and @BeakLove have pointed out already. Romantic and sexual orientation/attraction can't be forced by will or wishful thinking - I tried that for the sexual attraction side of things, and it didn't work out 😉

 

I mean you can go and call yourself whatever you like, I guess. But I don't think that will help your contentment or your chances for a happy relationship (should you so desire) in any way. Calling yourself heteroromantic won't make the opposite sex any more attractive to you as possible romantic partners/interests if you aren't "feeling it" in the first place.

 

Why would you want to be heteroromantic (or any other form of romantic) if you aren't sure that's who you are?

[Janus the Fox]

In a sense, anyone can aspire to be what you wish, achieving it realistically is a different matter.  I’d say that most people want to become who they want, especially when growing up.  This aspiration could be in any field of thought.  

[NickyTannock]

@Ellie6 I've tried to be heterosexual, but I don't have it in me, so in my experience, the answer is no. I'm sorry.

[AceMissBehaving]

Much like our height, eye color, blood type, etc, our sexual orientation just is what it is.

 

We can try to “fake it till we make it” if we want to be a different way, but ultimately we’d just be faking it forever.

 

59 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Ellie6 I've tried to be heterosexual, but I don't have it in me, so in my experience, the answer is no. I'm sorry.

same, it was exhausting and miserable 

[SithLord]

A person has the potential to be any sexuality, but you can not just choose to become another. Otherwise we'd have a lot more straight or bi people. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Some people definitely do have more flexibility than others, though it's hard to say whether they're choosing or just going with their preference.

[KiraS]

Every time I think I've settled down, someone or even something new comes into my life that rocks my word. One time, it was an obsession with the hands of two guitarists. 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

We’re often told that we can be whoever we want to be.

Who ever told you this is a liar who lies.

 

9 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

Does this apply to sexual orientation as well?

No, your sexual orientation describes your pattern of attraction. You could try conversion therapy but it's been proven to be completely ineffective. Unless your pattern of attraction, or lack of it, is genuinely caused by some sort of trauma or repression which can be effectively addressed through psychotherapy, it can't be changed, and even then you can't choose what new pattern of attraction may be revealed by the healing of said trauma.

 

9 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

i don’t know who I am but I know I want to be heteromantic. Is that enough?

Well, you could just call yourself heteromantic, but if you're not it's basically just a lie.

 

 

[N8ty L3asT]

Moving this over to The Gray area, Sex and Related Discussions.

 

N8LV3y

Co-Mod of Questions about Asexuality and Mod of Site Comments.

[Ellie6]

Thanks for responding guys. I understand also that sexuality can be fluid for some, but not all. Yes I was told all my life that we can be whoever we want to be LOL. I'm just confused as heck. Can the brain choose to be one sexual orientation but the heart chooses another? Can someone truly be happy if the brain wins out?

 

Even though I could be homoromantic, I don't think I can be homoromantic. Being hetero to me sounds like a much safer choice for me. I haven't really "tried" to be hetero since I haven't really dated much. Even just applying the label "heteromantic" sounds appealing even if I don't ever act on it, because I don't think I can act on any homoromantic tendencies that I might have. I don't see a future with another girl. That's why I feel like I can choose whatever sexual identity I want. Doesn't necessarily mean I will act on it. I just don't feel comfortable with the homoromantic identity.

[Alejandrogynous]

Orientations aren't something we choose to be, they're categories we fall into based on what we already experience. You don't decide what orientation you are based on how you want to feel or the life you want to live. You just feel how you feel. Identity is different. A bisexual woman who has only ever been with men is still bisexual because of how she feels, but she doesn't have to act on it or use that label. She doesn't have to tell anybody if she doesn't want to, she can live her entire life as straight. It still doesn't stop her from fitting the definition of bisexuality (orientation) even if she never chooses to identify that way. Orientation isn't a choice, identity and labels are.

[Philip027]

Quote

Yes I was told all my life that we can be whoever we want to be LOL.

I was told that a lot as a kid and it ended up really fucking me up later in adolescence and adulthood, which is why I speak out so vehemently against it now.

 

Quote

Even though I could be homoromantic, I don't think I can be homoromantic.
[...]
I don't see a future with another girl.

Then that is ultimately what matters.

 

In my opinion though, what you seem to be doing is a lot of speculation without a whole lot of actual experience into romantic relationships or even just actual romantic feelings toward others.  Am I wrong?  It might be worth it to just let events play out for a bit and revisit the labels subject at a later point in time.

 

Also, the above post made as I was writing this one pretty much states things a lot better than I just did.

[Ellie6]

2 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

A bisexual woman who has only ever been with men is still bisexual because of how she feels, but she doesn't have to act on it or use that label. She doesn't have to tell anybody if she doesn't want to, she can live her entire life as straight. It still doesn't stop her from fitting the definition of bisexuality (orientation) even if she never chooses to identify that way. Orientation isn't a choice, identity and labels are.

I see I understand what you are saying. I guess as long as she is happy living a straight life she doesn't need to pursue women. I can kinda relate to this. I only like to be in straight spaces and not LGBT spaces. I can see myself later being in a romantic relationship with a man more than with a woman.  

 

2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

In my opinion though, what you seem to be doing is a lot of speculation without a whole lot of actual experience into romantic relationships or even just actual romantic feelings toward others.  Am I wrong?  It might be worth it to just let events play out for a bit and revisit the labels subject at a later point in time.

No you are not wrong. I am very obsessed with speculating. I guess I just have been wanting to identify as hetero because of my lack of experience with the same gender and my inability to see myself with a woman in the future. I mean there's a reason why at 28 I have not wanted to pursue the same gender. I have just had a lot of homoromantic thoughts over the past couple of years. I understand now that identity is a choice and I don't need to identify this way if I don't want to. I hate labels LOL

[BeakLove]

7 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

Thanks for responding guys. I understand also that sexuality can be fluid for some, but not all. Yes I was told all my life that we can be whoever we want to be LOL. I'm just confused as heck. Can the brain choose to be one sexual orientation but the heart chooses another? Can someone truly be happy if the brain wins out?

 

Even though I could be homoromantic, I don't think I can be homoromantic. Being hetero to me sounds like a much safer choice for me. I haven't really "tried" to be hetero since I haven't really dated much. Even just applying the label "heteromantic" sounds appealing even if I don't ever act on it, because I don't think I can act on any homoromantic tendencies that I might have. I don't see a future with another girl. That's why I feel like I can choose whatever sexual identity I want. Doesn't necessarily mean I will act on it. I just don't feel comfortable with the homoromantic identity.

Well one can choose to use whatever label they like, and one can also choose to avoid situations where feelings and actions contrary to a desired label might occur. So in that sense one has a "choice": we tend to gravitate towards situations that reinforce our existing identity. Or we will rationalise away situations to make them fit our identity. Sometimes it's not even apparent that we are doing so. 

 

In a real situation it would be a pity though to allow a rigid identity to kill off a genuine prospect, if your heart did point you towards someone of the same sex.

[dgt]

What's up with these people?  http://www.queerbychoice.com/

[nanogretchen4]

If you are homoromantic you can't choose to be heteroromantic. You can choose to remain closeted, and you can choose not to pursue same sex romantic relationships. If you are biromantic, you can choose to only pursue opposite sex romantic relationships. You can also choose not to pursue any romantic relationships, regardless of your orientation. I'm not necessarily recommending any of these options, but they can all be pursued honorably and do no harm to anyone except possibly yourself.

 

There are also a couple of dishonorable options that harm other people. If you are not romantically attracted to the opposite sex, you could pursue romantic relationships with the opposite sex for security or social or financial gain while lying about your feelings. You could also go around publicly claiming that gay people choose to be gay and thus promoting discrimation and oppression. So, if you don't want to come out you don't have to, but please choose one of the options in the first paragraph.

[dgt]

"...you can't choose to be..."

"You can choose to remain closeted..."

"...you can choose not to pursue..."

 

"[The above]... do[es] no harm to anyone except possibly yourself."

[dgt]

"If you are biromantic, you can choose to only pursue opposite sex romantic relationships."

 

That isn't how it works for me.

[Ellie6]

6 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you are homoromantic you can't choose to be heteroromantic. You can choose to remain closeted, and you can choose not to pursue same sex romantic relationships. If you are biromantic, you can choose to only pursue opposite sex romantic relationships. You can also choose not to pursue any romantic relationships, regardless of your orientation. I'm not necessarily recommending any of these options, but they can all be pursued honorably and do no harm to anyone except possibly yourself.

 

There are also a couple of dishonorable options that harm other people. If you are not romantically attracted to the opposite sex, you could pursue romantic relationships with the opposite sex for security or social or financial gain while lying about your feelings. You could also go around publicly claiming that gay people choose to be gay and thus promoting discrimation and oppression. So, if you don't want to come out you don't have to, but please choose one of the options in the first paragraph.

I think I am only homosexual in my head, not homoromantic/sexual in real life. I can't picture myself with another woman romantically and I feel like I can't date them or sleep with them. I don't feel the need to pursue same-sex romantic relationships or any romantic relationships unless it's with a guy that I trust. I had romantic feelings for one guy throughout my life and that has given me hope that I can be with a guy in the future. Maybe this makes me biromantic but I just can't bring myself to be with a woman. My parents actually don't care who I date but I care who I date LOL. Thanks for the advice  

 

1 hour ago, CBC said:

No.

Aww man.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

What if someone chooses to be an orientation, and then makes themselves like it to the point that they become what they chose?

 

4 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

Aww man.

Just follow your heart 😜

[Ellie6]

47 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

What if someone chooses to be an orientation, and then makes themselves like it to the point that they become what they chose?

 

Just follow your heart 😜

Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone engages in romantic/sexual behaviors and tells oneself that they are hereto/straight eventually they will come to believe that they are that orientation. 😀

 

My heart isn’t giving my brain any messages lol

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

What if someone chooses to be an orientation, and then makes themselves like it to the point that they become what they chose?

I'm not sure that ever worked for all the gay people who had to live heterosexual lives due to their existence being illegal 🤔

[Sarah-Sylvia]

9 hours ago, theV0ID said:

I'm not sure that ever worked for all the gay people who had to live heterosexual lives due to their existence being illegal 🤔

Only certain countries had it illegal, I think. But it was pretty bad.

I think that some people definitely can't choose, it would take someone to have some flexibility. I imagine people who're bi are more easily able to just make themselves choose what's easiest. Although I have talked to a few that felt they were missing out. So for the most part yeah, you can't change who you are. I do think it's possible for some people though.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Only certain countries had it illegal, I think. But it was pretty bad.

Unfortunately it still is in some countries. I'm sure there are many homosexual people in Sharia based criminal law countries who wish it was possible to change their orientations.

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

No, I don't think we can choose our preferred orientation. You are what you are. 

Sure, you can try to tell yourself you're this or that when you're actually so and so, but I can assure you it's probably not gonna make you happy.