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Breaking it to my boyfriend; first sex


The Chocolate Jew

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The Chocolate Jew

So after having been single for a VERY long time, I have a new boyfriend, and it's started to feel serious quickly. We've been long-distance and are planning our first visit (it'll be after around 2-3 months of dating, but we were also friends going back years, albeit not very close). He's sexual and wanting sex, and I'm also feeling like I may be ready for sex (for my first time ever), but he hasn't understood any of my hints about how my experience is different from his, and I'm looking to come over there with some written information for him so we can get the conversation started.

 

I've been thinking I'm demi, although after reading some stuff on here about sexual desire vs. sexual attraction and sensuality vs. sexuality, I'm not sure if it's that or if I'm just an ace who wants to have sex with my boyfriend.

 

Can I please get recommendations on reading material for him that is positive and helpful? I am looking for:

 

  • addresses demisexuality
  • emphasizes that asexuals can have sex
  • provides practical advice, such as on techniques/positions/approaches that may work better for aces (no porn, please)--male/female couple
  • provides advice on coping with a long-term imbalance in sex drive/desire
  • conveys that asexuality and demisexuality are not mental health problems
  • treats his needs and feelings as important
  • addresses autism and (a)sexuality--I connect my (a)sexual experiences to autistic tendencies; he is autistic and sexual; this may be a point of understanding between us
    • I wonder if some of my experience may be not noticing or understanding sexual attraction I may actually experience.
  • discusses nonsexual physical affection and other important components of romantic partnership
  • I'd love some testimonials from sexuals, especially men, on why they love their ace/demi partners and how they work it out.

 

I'm also looking for some how-to materials for me or him:

 

  • Are there any how-to-kiss resources written for aces or at least not written for teenagers? I'm in my forties!
  • How to introduce an inexperienced partner to sexual contact slowly--I may be in a stage of desensitization or familiarization
  • If one is demi/grace, how to stimulate or strengthen sexual desire that may be weak or inconsistent

 

I don't want to just send him to AVEN--I want to hand-curate materials that I specifically think will be most helpful for our first conversation about this. 🙂

 

ETA: Although I'm interested in formal written materials, any of your own thoughts in response to these questions are also appreciated!

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The Chocolate Jew

He's aware I have significantly less sexual experience than he does and am less interested in talking about sex. I've declined to have phone sex. He's asked me a couple questions about my sexual history, but I've told him I want to wait and discuss that in person. I'm highly motivated to make that happen soon despite the complication of being in the middle of a pandemic. He's also aware I've had some sexual desires in the past and a couple of boyfriends. I'm not trying to hide anything from him. Part of my orientation/way of being is that it's hard for me to even discuss sex until I've gotten to know someone very well. Starting out long-distance has been a huge positive for me that I hope will put me in a position to be ready for physical intimacy when we meet.

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Hmm. 

 

I mean. Not to be a Debbie downer to the situation. But, many people end up feeling lead on and lied to if it is a conversation not put forth quickly. 2-3 months of dating, going through the effort required for LDR meet-up etc without knowing the situation...  prepare yourself for upset and potential trust issues, as it is possible he will feel that way. Such a thing being withheld could easily fall into "dealbreaker" territory, so make sure your plans include a way back home if you visit. 

 

 

However, I think generalized info isn't likely what he needs. People don't want bombarded with tons of articles to sift through. They tend to just want to know how their partner feels, what their partner is willing to do, what their relationship specifically will look like. All the stuff you want to have ready for him makes you seem like a research project. If he is sexual, that would likely take weeks or even months to fully digest. And tell him practically nothing about you and him as a couple. 

 

So. I would suggest just writing out a very detailed letter on how you feel, what you're willing to do, etc and let him read it. Then ask him to discuss the content after he has had time to digest the info. Ask him what his needs are, if he feels this could work. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing for couples and it will be a thing you work on together. Both of your needs will be looked at, discussed, examined and tried to work into a middle point. 

 

Reading about say my experience as a technical demisexual (dont use the label though) won't help him understand you at all. You giving him your personal thoughts and feelings will. 

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Just gonna say I fully agree with Serran. This is first and foremost about you two and your relationship together. Though it’s fantastic to spread awareness of different experiences around sexuality, what he needs to know is what you are comfortable with and looking for.

 

I have been lucky enough to be able to speak to a lot of sexuals and aces in relationships together and common themes of sexuals feeling lied to if it’s not brought up early and aces feeling unsure of why sex is so important come up a lot. Perhaps what would help you is to just focus on you both meeting for the first time and what that will look like. For example, perhaps you are willing to try sex with him to see if it’s something you can incorporate into your relationship. Then bring this up with him so you both know what the expectations are for this meeting and he can decide if he is willing to travel/willing to host you knowing this could be a make-or-break reality for you both.

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honingvogel

What makes you want to have all those materials ready? Is it because you are afraid you won't be able to answer all of his questions? Or is is because you feel too shy to talk about some things yourself and would rather have him read an article explaining things? Or something else all together? 

 

While I agree largely with what others said before me, I get the feeling there is a reason you are asking for these materials. Your list is extensive, you obviously have given this a lot of thought. What is it you are struggling with and how can we help you with that? 

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