Guilt feelings

[Mattsun]

Hi,
I know this probably isn't the perfect place for posting this, but I often turned to this forum when I had troubles regarding my sexual/romantic life, so please bear with me ^^' I just really feel like I need to write this down, even though it happened a long while ago - I'm still really ridden by guilt. 

So I was in an online relationship with someone for a couple of months. Soon after we got together I realized that they seemed to feel about me differently than I felt about them (I really loved them - but I realized it was probably more on a platonic base, and I realized I might be on the aro spec), but I still tried to keep the relationship going; they had mental health problems, and I felt like I did them a favor by staying with them (dumb idea, I know, but at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do).

Then I suddenly got a confession by another close online friend - and the thing I feel so guilty about is that I didn't outright say no, didn't tell him that I was dating another person at the time. It wasn't really because I had any romantic interest in him - it was most likely because again, I didn't want to hurt people and I felt like turning him down would exactly do that, so I answered in a kind of roundabout way, asking him to meet iRL before we talk about stuff like that. Again, I know it was really stupid - it was a spontaneous reaction I didn't really think through.
We agreed to meet and that's when I started to wonder what to do from here, like what if we met and I realized I actually caught feelings? His confession kinda brought chaos to my emotions. (Looking back at it I can definitely say I never had feelings for him, but back at the time I was wondering if maybe I had, since he was a really close friend and maybe due to my romantic orientation I sometimes had trouble telling platonic and romantic feelings apart, until I actually got a big crush on someone lol) At that point I felt like it would be the right thing to break up with my partner - but again, they had mental health problems and even used to be suicidal, so I decided that until I actually meet the guy who confessed to me and I can actually imagine a relationship with him I will stay together with my partner.
Well, in the end we never met. We had troubles with our finances and finding a suitable time to meet, and I was honestly relieved. We eventually grew apart, he got a different partner. A while later I finally gathered the courage to break up with my own partner and we were actually able to stay on friendly terms with each other until now. At one point I told them about this entire thing and they said it's okay since nothing actually happened, they're not bothered by it, but I still can't help but feel like I "cheated" on them because I didn't outright turn down the guy who confessed to me and we were talking about meeting and stuff for a couple of weeks, even if I never had ill intentions. And because I didn't break up with my partner at that time even though I probably should have. In the end all I wanted was to not hurt anyone but this way I ended up doing something really shitty.

I know that I made a mistake and I definitely learned from it, but I don't know how to move on from it and stop feeling like a horrible person and cheater. Like, even my ex-partner saying it's okay didn't help me. Maybe it's because I tend to overthink things too much, I don't even know how big of a problem this would be to other people, seeing that in the end nothing actually happened, like my ex-partner said. But to me it actually feels like a huge mistake. Anyway, it did help me again to write all of this down and sort out my thoughts. If anyone else could share their thoughts on this I would really appreciate it too ^^

 

[Rynn]

Moved from Romantic and Aromantic Orientations to Asexual Relationships.

Laurann, moderator.

[Artila]

Heyyyyy I also had an online relationship going with a girl I didn't love. It was more of a random thing that grew out of a normal convo and I was too confused to say no and I didn't want to hurt her.

 

I think I treated her horribly and when I saw her crying on Twitter over my behaviour I felt so SO shitty I decided that this act had to stop. Sadly I am not very courageous... so... I just deleted my social media account.

 

I KNOW THIS IS INHUMANE AND CRUEL AND TERRIBLE. But telling her that I never loved her - that it all was just an act fueled by my empathy and curiousity about how relationships work.... I would have rather shot myself than doing that. I panicked.

 

Let's say at least I have now learnt not to joke with those things. I learned that if I don't tell the blunt truth at the beginning I will regret it really hard later. 

 

During that time I got love poems from another person who I turned down in the end because one weird relationship was already too much to handle... and besides that dude only crushed on me because of the content I produced.

 

How I deal with my feelings of guilt? I shut my eyes and sing lalalala. I cannot fix what I did anymore and it's no use in trying. So I push the thought away yet keep the memory to avoid making the same mistake again.

 

...May the poor girl get someone who she deserves better than me.

 

 

 

I hope you will feel better soon :3 Dwelling on it doesn't help you - your ex said it's fine so leave it. Easier said than done, I know. I wish you lots of success!