Worried About My Friend(resolved, I overthink things)

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

I'm a bisexual genderfluid 16 year old poking my head in here for some advice. Something about one of my friends has been bugging me for a few months, so I decided it would be best to ask about it here and get some feedback from some ace/aro spectrum adults.  Some background. (apologies, this will probably be a little long and rambly, I get like that when I'm worried and don't know what to do) I'm part of a LARP group, and all my close friends are from that LARP group. A couple years ago me and a few other teens and preteens started gravitating together and forming a tightknit little friend group within the LARP group. Right now our informal little group is mostly 15 and 16 year olds, with one 13 year old and one 14 year old. I'm the oldest of the group and have a tendency to mother hen the rest and if a friend needs a bandaid or water or something I usually have some in my giant backpack. Anyway, our friend group started off as most of us IDing as straight cis except for one friend, then the rest of us started crashing out of the closet like dominoes. I am actually the most recent person in our group to vacate the closet, as I came out to my friends via Discord shortly after COVID got crazy.

 

This is where the friend in question comes in. As things stand he is the only friend in our group that does not identify anywhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. That itself isn't the problem; if we happened to have a straight friend in our friend group, so what? When I DMed him when I came out, he was immediately supportive and switched around to my new pronouns and preferred name. Then we started chatting about whatever, when I asked him about his sexuality. He flat out said he doesn't seem to have any romantic or sexual attraction. So I asked him if he was acearo or possibly demi or gray, to which he replied that he doesn't like labels and would prefer to just "wait it out." The wait it out bit is a direct quote, that's the phrase he used, and it kinda bothers me for reasons I can't really articulate too well. I could tell that it was probably best to just drop the topic, so I made sure he was aware of and had the link to AVEN and haven't brought it up since.

 

And there's more too. Looking back, a lot of his behavior reminds me of myself from before I came to terms with my gender identity and sexuality. Like I would always listen intently whenever my friends would start talking about queer stuff but wouldn't participate, after all I only wanted to be a Good Ally TM, or so I told myself. And I would memorize all the terms and labels and flags and stuff and became a kind of walking encyclopedia on as many LGBT things as I could. And he seems to be doing both of those things too, as well as a bunch of other small things that I can't really point out clearly but that my gaydar is screaming about.

 

And he's a black teenage boy, and I gotta wonder if he is feeling some of the pressure from the expectations that our society has about what black teenage boys do and feel. The stereotype of a teen boy that is horny 24/7 is so pervasive that it's considered weird if a teen boy doesn't fit that mold. And while as a white person I may not be equipped to fully understand how his identity as a black person intersects and affects his identity as a teen boy, I'm sure there is some intersection there that could be affecting things.

 

Also, my friend and I watch and geek out over a lot of the same shows, media, etc. and in everything that I have seen, the only representation of queer black people that I've seen are either gay men, drag queens, or trans women, so he probably hasn't seen much more than I have and almost certainly doesn't have any positive examples(or any examples at all) of ace aro black men to see and potentially relate to. While I may not have too many people/characters to relate to in media, I still have some, such as Alex Fierro from Rick Riordan's Magnus Chase series. As far as I can tell, he doesn't have any to relate to if he is acearo. Throw in the way a**holes on the internet will trash talk asexuality as either an illness or else a trendy made up thing by highschool girls........ Well, if he is, he kinda has the deck stacked against him.

 

On the one hand, it's not my job to play amateur psychoanalyst on my friends, and he has every right to choose to not identify himself as any label at all, for any reason, and he does not owe me or anyone else any explanation for that. Labels help people find a community in people with shared experiences, and as a queer person myself, I would be seriously mad if someone tried to shove me into a label I didn't identify with, or even a label I did somewhat identify with but didn't feel ready to use. But on the other hand, I'm worried that his choice to not use any labels and to stay on the sidelines of any conversation involving queer stuff while not participating in it is based on him potentially feeling like there isn't a space for him, and if that is the case, I want to be a good friend and offer him support where I can.

 

So far, I haven't brought the topic back up, and have just continued to be his friend and hang out on Discord and Minecraft while chitchatting about LARP creation or playfully arguing over whether Blacksun or Bumblebee is the better RWBY ship. (psst, it's totally Bumblebee) But seriously, so far I'm not poking him about it, while trying to prepare myself to offer him support no matter how things end up if he ever comes to me about anything, regardless if he continues to not use labels, if he identifies as acearo, something else under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, straight, what have you. I guess I just kinda came here to get some perspective from ace & aro spec adults that can give me some feedback, tell me if I'm reading way too much into this, and possibly give me some advice on how to proceed or tell me if there was something I said or did in all this that I could've done better. Thanks, really, if you've made it through this marathon of teenage rambling I've created for you, then you deserve some kind of gold medal.

[Grimalkin]

I think you're being very nice and supportive about this, but honestly? If he says he wants to "wait it out," let him. He doesn't sound like he's particularly worried, and it sounds like you might be reading into his experiences a tad. This is normal, but probably not wanted. 

 

He has a lot to learn about himself still, just as any teenager does, and it sounds like he's got a comfortable space and some good friends who will support him if he ever decides he needs to express himself differently. But at the moment, he's a straight cis male. He's just chillin'. And that's fine. 

[Phi!]

Heya, I agree with what's already been said...

Not really wanting labels is a fair thing, especially if you might not be sure what label fits best. I considered myself without a label for the last few years and even now if someone asked I'm not sure whether I'd say I was ace or say I had no label. However, you've been an amazing friend already by being clear to him that you understand what ace is and that you'll support him so just make sure he never doubts it and I'm sure he'll talk to you again if he needs to. ( Though if/when the topic of sexuality does come up (even if it's not him that brings it up) then do just check in on him and check if he's still happy without a label or has found a label that he thinks fits, as for me part of the reason I don't know what I would label myself as irl is that no-ones actually asks and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up.)

 

So basically, just keep doing everything you're already doing, being there for your friend!  

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

Thanks guys, really. I've just kinda had my thoughts brewing in the back of my brain for a while with no one to really bounce it off to check me if I'm reading into things too much and decided to make an account here and ask so I can have that check on my mother henning. I have an ace friend that in a different situation I would've poked about it to get their thoughts, but as they know the friend in question and the conversation was private, I wasn't about to potentially out him. But yeah, I've just continued being his friend, and since that conversation where he mentioned that he doesn't seem to have any attraction but is waiting it out and doesn't want labels, I've just been careful not to bug him about it because I don't want to pressure him into a box. But if/when the topic of sexuality and stuff does come up again I'll take your advice and quickly check in to see if he still doesn't use labels.

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

I had originally mentioned some of my concerns early on to my (straight) Dad and he just said that it sounded like my friend is ace and called it a day. Which... eh... was not an answer that I was happy with as it was forcing my friend into a label he outright said he didn't use. My Dad is an ally and is generally on top of his game but I feel like he kinda missed the ball there. So seriously getting some feedback from some ace adults on the matter helps.

[Astrea]

Hello!

well, it's really easy to fly under the radar when you are a teenage aroace (even your own radar ^^). I might be wrong, but I think that most of us just slowly came to realize what we are over the years. This is seldom a big shocking thing or a huge revelation . The typical aroace path seems to include assuming you are a sexual being, then thinking you are a late bloomer for years, realizing that none of your friends' romantic / sexual life sounds appealing to you, trying to force yourself to kind of go on a few dates while balking at everything (being called independant or high standard a lot by people thinking you are just waiting for 'The One') and finally coming to the conclusion that yeah, you were probably just aroace all along... So, no big change or reveal. Some people might have a different experience, but for me (and a lot of people I've talked about), contrarily to any other sexual / romantic orientation, it doesn't change your life. You are actually the only person NOT changing at all in the way you relate to other people as you grow older. So it's pretty drama free.
I'm not saying that it's always super easy. Realizing that you will never have any part in what the whole world told you was the only 'real' happiness and accomplishment is kind of a slap in the face. But you just look at the crappy couples around you and go 'oh yeah... I remember why I'm not interested in that'.

If your friend turns out to be aroace (or just ace or demi or anything else) he might want to talk to someone about it at some point. So it's cool if he knows he can do that with you. But if he told you he was fine for now, you have to leave him be. He might live years not really thinking about it as teenage years are busy years with a lot of other more important things to worry about.
Most of us didn't grow up with any ace figure we could relate to. I'd never even heard the word 'asexual' before I was 22. I didn't know it was a thing, and the only info I've had about it when I found out was from an article about sexual orientation in bovids. I was pleased to know that what I was feeling had a name and, you know, existed. But I actually didn't do any research about it at the time and didn't really think much of it for years afterwards (I certainly didn't tell anyone... not that I was ashamed or anything, I just didn't). 

So, your friend is probably fine!

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

Yeah, I figured it probably wouldn't be any good if I bothered him about it. Leaving him alone is all I can do. Occasionally check in that everything's still good if the topic comes up, but no more unless he comes to me about anything. Even so I have a bad tendency to roll things through my brain so much that I worry myself to death over it, especially when it comes to my friends. When the 13 yo friend in my friend group got a simple splinter in her foot I rambled my mouth off into insanity and was more upset over it than she was, sooooo........ yeah..... sometimes my worrying needs to be brought into check.

[Phi!]

2 hours ago, GeekyPretendRoyalty said:

I had originally mentioned some of my concerns early on to my (straight) Dad and he just said that it sounded like my friend is ace and called it a day.

Wow! I'm just amazed your dad knows what ace is!

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

19 hours ago, Phi! said:

Wow! I'm just amazed your dad knows what ace is!

My Dad is a fanfic writing pagan furry that used to be in the SCA and now practically lives on Tumblr, so even though he himself isn't LGBT, he hangs out with a lot of people who are and is generally the cool Dad that knows what's up.

[GeekyPretendRoyalty]

In other news I logged into minecraft to hang out and either I've been blind and haven't noticed until now, or my friend changed his skin since last week, but his minecraft skin seems to have a bi flag on it. I haven't asked him if it's a bi flag, but it does appear to be 3 certain colors in stripes in a certain order with no other colors. I plan to just quickly DM him soonish like "hey btw was that bi flag on your skin?" (a bit more naturally in the flow of the convo then that hopefully, but you get the idea) So on top of me spending quarantine obsessively worrying and making a mountain out of a mole hole, there's that. But anyway, thanks y'all, seriously. Sometimes I'll be thinking about something for ages and I can't always trust if it's actually something to be concerned about, or if I'll just be overbearing and mother henning when it isn't wanted. So, uh, hurray for the internet existing so I can get anonymous 2nd opinions before I say or do something stupid?