Ace partner leading me to question my own 'sexuality'

[MissKalea]

Hello all, I am new to these forums and am hoping to get a bit of feedback/perspective on what's been going through my head for the last few months. Some vague mentions of sex below.

 

I am a bi 26F and I've been dating a lovely non-binary ace for the past 7 months, they came out to me a little later into the relationship than I would have preferred but overall I was fine with it (kind of relieved actually). So I have been doing my own research to better understand it. 

 

Honestly I don't think I understood it that well before, because I'm really starting to question my own sexuality and past experiences.

 

Some backstory; I've had five relationships before this one, lasting between 6 months to a year and a half. One of the common issues in all of these was me not being interested in sex as much as my partner at the time. 

 

I used to think about sex as an inevitable experience that was expected of me in order to continue the relationship, I experienced a lot of anxiety about it and chalked that up to having body issues or not trusting that person enough. So I'd avoid physical contact for as long as I could and then have to force myself to initiate. I understand now this was very unhealthy and in later relationships started saying up front I had a low sex drive, things improved and I did have some enjoyable experiences.

 

Thing is, now I'm with someone who isn't expecting me to initiate, I feel no urgent need to do so. I don't crave sex and I'm starting the think the enjoyment I got from sex was the fact that someone else wanted me, and that after the 'awkward bit' was done I'd get to enjoy the cuddling and affection and closeness of the afterglow.

 

Most relationships ended because of intimacy problems. I used to have a mini sexuality crisis after every relationship ended, thinking that 'maybe I'm straight' when I didn't feel sexual attraction to a female partner only to have the EXACT issue in reverse (maybe I'm a lesbian) when dating a male partner. 

 

I even considered myself Demi for a bit because I fell in love romantically with a friend I had for nearly ten years prior, but looking back I don't think I wanted to have sex with them either. I would have just found it easier to tolerate and maybe enjoy with someone I was really emotionally invested in. 

 

Another layer of confusion for me is that I was on antidepressant medication throughout my teens and early twenties. I used to think I was experiencing the loss of libido side effect common for that medication. But I've been off them for nearly 3 years now, and although I have noticed an increase in how often I experience arousal- that arousal is never directed at anyone. It's just a physical need that comes up occasionally, that I take care of myself. I didn't think that was a thing asexuals could experience until recently. (Forgive my ignorance)

 

I am also a fiend for explicit romance stories (written only), I find them fascinating. Sex is an interesting topic and I enjoy talking about it and I want to enjoy it. But I honestly enjoy everything around sex more than the act itself on a personal level. 

 

It's all very confusing, I'm having trouble making sense of my own feelings and it's shaken my sense of identity a little. If anyone has had similar experiences or relates to this at all I would love to hear about it.

 

Thanks for your time.

[The Abhorred]

Welcome to the forum 🍰

I don't have any similar experiences or kind of experience with relationships at all! Maybe your confusion comes from the expectations, what you were suppose to feel and do when you are in a relationship. Understanding what you what and need with no pressure I believe will help you, this and being able to discuss it with your partner so to find out if you both want the same thing. 

[Aquatic Paradox]

Welcome to AVEN. It sounds like you're asexual to me. The only thing that defines an asexual is that they don't experience asexual attraction towards another person. They can still like romance, foreplay, romcoms, masturbating etc.

 

Anyway, since it's tradition, you can have a dragon cake:

[Snao Cone]

Congrats, I think you might be ace. If you felt like you wanted sex at some point, but weakly and infrequently, you might fall into the grey area. No fear, though - the purpose of the grey area is to give people who might not feel completely asexual a welcoming space within the ace community. Whatever conclusion you come to, you're welcome here.

[MissKalea]

Thanks everyone for the kind welcome 🙌

[MrDane]

3 hours ago, MissKalea said:

Thanks everyone for the kind welcome 🙌

Apart from agreeing with the above, I would like to ask @MissKalea. Are you saying, that you were interested, as in curious/would like to participate because it was a fun activity, but you never want/wanted it. The urge/need never came up? You could easily do without the sex, but you would miss the following intimacy, that you got from thosepartners after sex, but not otherwise or other ways?