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Long whining post about the agony of self discovery


Dude2309

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Hi, my name is Eric. That’s actually my nickname and I don’t want to tell you how I came to be called that, because it’s a horrible story. 
 

So when I was a kid I was a terror. I was into guns and bombs and blood and gore and I had anorexia/bulimia so I was perpetually hangry. But I had this friend and I thought I was in love with him. He was into girls, always whining about true love, wanting to watch porn and eat pizza and talk about sex. All I wanted to do was to impress this guy. So I took on this big identity of this really toxic male. That lasted until my friend killed himself and I almost did, just to be with him. Sounds romantic, but isn’t really.

 

Then I went into this severe depression and started eating myself to death. I blew up to a very large number of pounds to make myself unattractive so I didn’t have to have sex. But I got into this really bad abusive relationship with this guy who was just determined to make me thin and his sex slave. Bounced in and out of bed with him for two decades, also managed to have an autistic son with the woman who would become my wife. She died and I went back to restricting and binging by turns.

 

Now I’m 45 years old, 100lbs overweight, a full time father, a medium and shaman, a spiritualist, and still very very angry at myself for giving other people the right to use my body and jerk my emotions around. I came on here because this is better than an afternoon crying and eating. It Is just really coming home to me how badly I betrayed myself and how much life I wasted trying to be what other people needed. Even my mediumship is just me bleeding out for other people and their grief. At the bottom of it all is me just wanting to be left alone in a big white room with my weights and my Minecraft.
 

Why is the world obsessed with sex? I think that’s why I wanted to kill people when I was a teenager. I just couldn’t deal with the libido everywhere and my mom nagging at me to bring some nice girl home. 
 

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi. That's a rough share, but kudos to being able to share all that, maybe it's a bit cathartic to put it out there?

 

There's a lot of people with issues in the world, and the most important is learning from how we were and making progress. I'm sure it's been hard, but what's done is done, and now you're free to let go of some of that to look into the future. Some of it is pretty heart breaking, and I know it'll take some time to heal as well. Give yourself a chance to do that, knowing that it's not a straight road, we still get affected by some stuff from our past. But it did happen in the past, and I don't see why you would need to stay angry at what's done, but it also means that you do feel like it wasn't good, so you're learning from that, and you'll hopefully be truer to yourself from now on.

I was a brat when I was younger, and compared to then, I'm so much more into goodness and love now. I still have a lot to learn, but I love the idea of spreading goodness, at least a little :P, and really we all want to feel good.

Spirituality can be great, though of course like anything it can be affected by our immaturity, but the idea of transcending our immaturity is part of spirituality too, and becoming our greater selves. I think it's a great path to be on, and I'm curious how it'll end up for you, along with eveyrthing else.

Welcome around btw. I hope you have a good time . :)
🍰🧁

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Welcome! Toxic relationships are the worst, I’m glad you’re out of there. Ranting can really help, whether it be to friends, anonymously online, or even to yourself. It can be very cathartic to get it out there, and can even help you process certain things.

 

I recommend looking into things that can help you deal with it all though, developing less harmful coping mechanisms and switching out the old ones can be difficult but is definitely worth it. It won’t happen overnight, but it can give you stress relief that doesn’t put so much pressure on your body.

 

As for feeling like you’ve lost so much time, think about this. You’ve got the rest of your life to reclaim as your own. Sitting there wishing you’d done things differently isn’t going to fix it. What you want to do is make sure it doesn’t happen again. Know your boundaries and don’t be afraid to enforce them when necessary, get rid of the scales, tell your mum your love life is your own business, and build yourself something to be proud of.  Figure out what you want to do and figure out the steps needed to attain it, the it’s just one step at a time towards a better tomorrow.

 

Life isn’t perfect, but it can get better. 

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Thanks all. And very good advice. I forgot to mention in my venting that my son is my true love, for whom I would kill and die, and that I do have one very good friend, for who I would also kill and die. Today I went for a huge walk and bought ball caps for my head. 
 

Also, how the hell do I add pictures that are stored on my phone?

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

If you want to post pictures, you first need to host them somewhere online, like: https://imgur.com/

Then, if you post a direct link to your picture, the forum automatically displays it.

A direct link is one that ends in the file type ('.jpg', '.gif', etc.) not the domain ('.com', '.co.uk', etc.).
You can obtain the direct link by right-clicking on the hosted picture and selecting 'Copy image address'.

But hosting sites will usually provide the direct link for you.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Minecraft Creeper" cake,

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/231173-minecraft-creeper-cake

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Thanks for the how to. And thanks for the awesome creeper cake!

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NickyTannock

You're welcome! And I'm glad you like the cake!

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Minecraft is my favourite thing, next to cake. I suck at Minecraft. I suck even more at baking, but I love doing both things, so I I keep at it. 
 

Can you tell me the name of a good hosting site for pictures for URL link ins. My Facebook albums won’t give me a link.

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NickyTannock
On 7/31/2020 at 11:56 PM, Dude2309 said:

Can you tell me the name of a good hosting site for pictures for URL link ins. My Facebook albums won’t give me a link.

I'm sorry for being a week late to answering your question.

 

I usually use this site to host images: https://imgur.com/

 

 

 

Incidentally, if you want to tag someone, press the "@" key, then type out their name until a list appears, highlight their name from the list with your arrow keys, and press enter.

Their name should appear highlighted in purple.

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