I really like this guy, but I’m asexual and he is not! What do I do?

[PupperDoggo]

Hey! I need some advice.....what do I do???? I really enjoy spending time with this guy and he is totally my type! He’s really sweet and he even knows what “ahimsa” means....it means nonviolence, and knows I am big into that, and meditation and all that Buddhist stuff. So my problem is, I have gone on a few dates with him, and I would love to pursue something with him! But I am afraid my Ace-ness will get in the way!!! He is so much fun! And we love to do outdoorsy things, like, he is EVERYTHING I am looking for! But like, uhh....should I just go with it? Maybe something will spark some “interest” in me? Idk! Help!!!! Why I am I so weird about this!?!?!?! Of all things????? Grrr!!!! 

[Karekare]

If you're very sure and confident in your sexuality then I would suggest telling him at some point. Depending on how he reacts could be a big indicator of the kind of person he is deep down overall, if he really likes you regardless of sex then he should stick to it, or if sex is something important to him you two should have a discussion and maybe work out compromises. If you're unsure and might be demi then maybe tell him you'd like to get comfortable emotionally before doing anything sexual, which is perfectly fine to ask of anybody, and as you two get closer see how you feel. 

[Philip027]

I wouldn't get together with him under the hopes that maybe you'll "spark some interest".  If you really are ace, that won't happen.  At best, you might find you're okay with sexual activity, but only you could really have any idea if that would be applicable to you or not.

 

That's not to say you should avoid a relationship at all costs, though.  As long as you lay out all your cards on the table (including the possibility that a sexual relationship might not be in said cards) and let him make a decision on whether or not he is willing to entertain the idea of a relationship, he can't exactly blame you for being dishonest.

[Raindrops]

It's best to talk to him about it. 🙂 You can figure things out easier knowing his perspective. Don't rely on anything magically happening to you, but maybe work out a compromise with him if you're okay with having sex occasionally? It's up to you two. 😊

[Guest]

Just talk to him about your sexuality and let him know and decide if he wants to pursue it or not. 

[Chloe88]

10 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I wouldn't get together with him under the hopes that maybe you'll "spark some interest".

That's all you need to hear.

 

I was in an ace/non-ace relationship and it wasn't good.

[MrDane]

I have said this before: dont promise more than you are willing to try to keep. And tell about your aceness and what that probably means to a future life with you. Tell it as soon as you are on the brink of getting serious. If not, then you are withholding important information that you know, that your partner should be allowed to cope with. ...and say it so he gets it. I didnt get it. My wife said that she was asexual. I just thought she meant that she was a bit shy, timid, awkward and slow. 

[A-Panda]

What everybody said: tell him, don't hope fore him magically kissing your sexual attraction awake. Even if there is the chance of you misidentifying so far and not actually being asexual, don't bet on that. Everything else would be unfair towards him because people should know what they get into when beginning a relationship as much as possible.

 

And from my past experiences I can tell you this:

Even if you didn't know you were asexual but are, you couldn't fake it till you make it. If you're ace, you're ace, and that's that.

You can try very hard to accommodate a sexual partner but if they don't compromise, too, (because they can't/don't want to/don't know about your asexuality/whatever) you might very likely begin to feel resentful towards them - even if you aren't sex-averse but sex-indifferent. Which isn't something to make a relationship more stable.

[Mike D]

One great truth of relationships that everybody ignores is the critical importance of sexual compatibility.  If there is a significant difference in your sex drives you are courting disaster.  If you try to get serious with this guy you will first need to have a frank conversation with him about your boundaries.  There is a chance -- a low, but non-zero chance -- that he will be OK with a chaste, companionate relationship.  I wouldn't get my hopes up, though.

If his needs include sex do not trap him in a sexless relationship.  Don't try to rationalize it by saying that if he loves you he'll suspend his sexuality for you.  That isn't love, that's cruelty.

Don't despair, though...he can still be a good friend to you, possibly for life.  Friendship is not a consolation prize when you can't get a relationship with someone.  Friendship is a very high and noble thing, in fact, and it should be honored and cherished.

[brbdogsonfire]

On 7/24/2020 at 9:25 PM, PupperDoggo said:

Hey! I need some advice.....what do I do???? I really enjoy spending time with this guy and he is totally my type! He’s really sweet and he even knows what “ahimsa” means....it means nonviolence, and knows I am big into that, and meditation and all that Buddhist stuff. So my problem is, I have gone on a few dates with him, and I would love to pursue something with him! But I am afraid my Ace-ness will get in the way!!! He is so much fun! And we love to do outdoorsy things, like, he is EVERYTHING I am looking for! But like, uhh....should I just go with it? Maybe something will spark some “interest” in me? Idk! Help!!!! Why I am I so weird about this!?!?!?! Of all things????? Grrr!!!! 

My partner of 7 years told me at the end of our 1st or 2nd date she was asexual. She gave us plenty of time to discuss it and what we both would need out of a relationship. I could tell she was scared to tell me and her being courageous enough to put herself out there really showed me how strong of a character she had

 

if he will not accept you now for being asexual he will have issues when sex eventually comes up as he will know you are not into it. Honesty is the key to set you free!

[PupperDoggo]

Thank you for your response!!!! I just need to work up the courage (or drink a couple glass of wine) to tell him. 

[Chloe88]

On 7/28/2020 at 8:32 PM, Mike D said:

One great truth of relationships that everybody ignores is the critical importance of sexual compatibility

So true!