I feel like I have to break up with the person I love because she's asexual

[ExemplaryFrog]

My girlfriend (18F) and I (18F) have been together for 7 months now. We were best friends before that and I'd been in love with her for over a year before we started dating. She's asexual and I'm not, for both of us it's our first relationship and ever since we started dating I've just fallen in love with her more and more. I've always avoided thinking about the whole sex aspect of the relationship because it's my first relationship and I've never had sex before so I don't even know what I'm missing.

 

Now, however, I've started to realise that I do want to have sex and kiss and all that jazz but I also still just love her so much. I feel like I have to break up with her because I'm never going to be statisfied in this relationship but I don't want to not be with her. It just sucks to feel like you have to break up with someone even though you still love them but I also don't want both of us to be in a relationship that we know isn't going to work.

 

I guess we could be friends, but I don't really know how to be friends with her. Even before we started dating our friendship looked pretty much the same as our relationship now and I'd feel like I'd be stringing her along if we'd go back to that. I just really don't want to lose her. Fuck. Any advice?

[Madelise]

Just because she's asexual and you're not, doesn't mean it can't work. If she's specifically sex-repulsed instead of sex-favorable or sex-indifferent, then I guess that would be a little bit of a different story. Like, has she said that she would never want to have sex? Is it completely off the table? Not all asexuals are completely against the idea of sex. I think it'd be good to talk to her about it.

[Guest]

Try talking to her about your feelings first? Maybe she'd be open to poly/open, transitioning to QPR and letting you have a romantic / sexual partner as long as you two kept the friendship as is, etc. You don't really know what your options are until you talk it out. Then decide what is best for both of you. 

[Raindrops]

Have you told her how you're feeling? It may be easier to come to a decision once you've talked things out with her. 🙂 You may be able to reach a compromise, and if not at least it'll be easier to end the relationship when you're both in agreement. 💜

[Grimalkin]

I second what everyone else is saying-- communication is good. Letting her know where you are mentally is much better than just breaking up with her out of the blue. 

 

That said. Here at AVEN, our first instinct as asexuals is to panic for the asexual person in the situation and immediately suggest that there may be ways to make it work. But sometimes... there just isn't. If she's truly asexual, the best-case scenario is that you both talk it out and she decides she would be okay with having sex for your sake every so often. Maybe that'll work for you. Maybe it won't. Maybe she won't be comfortable with that, and that's fine too. 

This is one of those sucky situations in which no one is wrong-- this is just who both of you are. She is not wrong for not desiring sex, and you are not wrong for wanting it. And it may very well be that if she decides sex is something she can't do, you'll have to break up because sex is something you need to be content in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship, whether that means lots of sex or no sex at all. 

 

This is the kind of thing that's between you and her at the end of the day. But I'm here to let you know that you're not a bad person for thinking this. There will be many other things in life smaller than this you'll want to break up with someone for, and those will be justified too. 

[AnxiousAsexual]

many asexuals are in relationships with sexual people. just like all relationships it will take a lot of communication. you would both need to compromise on something but don't feel like you are a bad person if you feel you need to break up because something is a deal breaker. I would defiantly start talking with her about her sexuality and what kind of future you see. I myself am sex repulsed so I just don't ever really want sex. if that is the case with her and you have said that you really see sex in your future then breaking up would be the better option. 

 

just talk about it first.

[Mountain House]

Sure.  You've busted through (at least personally, maybe not socially) that hetero-normative barrier so why not crack the mono-normative one as well.  Love her.  You do already and it's not like you are going to just stop loving her.  Talk, find out what she needs to call your relationship the next level and you never know, there might be things in there that are sexual for you and really fun/bonding for her.  If you decide to open your relationship you have to get yourselves tight because the next step, actually opening the relationship, is done together.

 

Small steps.  First start talking about what you each need to move forward and use your imagination.  Try stuff.  Experiment.  That's what my wife and I have been doing and I have to confess we have found some "sharing sex" activities that are totally (I should capitalize and underscore that ;))  satisfying for me, fun for her, and she doesn't have to take her clothes off.

 

Of course you can be friends.  You already are.  And if you need to change your relationship with her (break-up I guess, but let's just call it back it down to friendship) and you end up super tight lifelong besties, is that so bad?

 

And yep, you might even drift apart.  (But you will probably always love each other.)

[MrDane]

On 7/23/2020 at 5:06 PM, ExemplaryFrog said:

My girlfriend (18F) and I (18F) have been together for 7 months now. We were best friends before that and I'd been in love with her for over a year before we started dating. She's asexual and I'm not, for both of us it's our first relationship and ever since we started dating I've just fallen in love with her more and more. I've always avoided thinking about the whole sex aspect of the relationship because it's my first relationship and I've never had sex before so I don't even know what I'm missing.

 

Now, however, I've started to realise that I do want to have sex and kiss and all that jazz but I also still just love her so much. I feel like I have to break up with her because I'm never going to be statisfied in this relationship but I don't want to not be with her. It just sucks to feel like you have to break up with someone even though you still love them but I also don't want both of us to be in a relationship that we know isn't going to work.

 

I guess we could be friends, but I don't really know how to be friends with her. Even before we started dating our friendship looked pretty much the same as our relationship now and I'd feel like I'd be stringing her along if we'd go back to that. I just really don't want to lose her. Fuck. Any advice?

You are young. If you like the company and what you do together, then stay. Just be sure to let your partner know, that eventually you migth want to have sex, and at best with your soulmate. 

[uhtred]

The way I look at it, is you need to decide if there is a level of sexual activity that will make you both *happy*.  If not then you are not doing either of yourselves a favor by trying to keep this going. 

 

Be open and honest. Both of you need to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with any level of sexual interest but in compatibility can lead to misery for both. 

 

Love does not and should not conquer all.  For everyone, there are many people they could possibly love  - be sure you are with someone who you love AND who makes you happy

[nanogretchen4]

Most people don't spend the rest of their lives with the person they are dating at age eighteen. You've tried it for seven months and you've come to the realization that you will never be satisfied in this relationship. I think you should trust the instinct that's telling you that you need to move on and find a partner with a compatible sexual orientation. Unless you are polyamorous and would actually prefer to have multiple partners simultaneously, there's no reason to explore that option before deciding to break up.

 

As for the advice to ask your girlfriend to have compromise sex, that's a euphemism for sex she does not want. You deserve better in life than to have your first sexual experiences with someone who does not want sex with you even if she reluctantly consents. No matter how you try, you will never be able to please her sexually. Why do that to yourself?

 

Redefining your relationship as a non-exclusive QPR is actually very similar to breaking up but remaining friends. If your girlfriend really won't be hurt or jealous if you date other people and your unrequited romantic and sexual longing for her really won't prevent you from giving new partners a chance, then maybe? The thing about telling her that your platonic relationship with her will be your primary relationship is that's probably making a promise you can't keep. As soon as you find someone who can reciprocate your sexual and romantic feelings, you will probably want to be free to commit to them, especially if you are a monogamous person. 

 

I think the kindest option is probably a clean, honest breakup, followed by enough time apart to actually heal and move on. You can probably be friends again after you stop being in love with her and have had at least one relationship with someone who is not asexual.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said:

No other option other than breaking up for happier life??? am sexual men and my wife asexual women(sex repel case)???No possibilities of sex between us? will she compromise for sex any time?????Between us no sex from the beginning for the last one year. Please have a look on it and let me know about possibilities of continuing life without compromising each other....

I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s clear you’re feeling desperate over the breakup, and we don’t know what’s really occurred. Seemingly, your wife left and is a sex repulsed ace. The only one you can talk to about this is her, and it sounds like she doesn’t want to speak with you.  Whatever has happened, it’s not going to be what you ultimately want or need. There is NO way you can compromise on this. Based on your words, she neither likes nor needs physical affection let alone sex. Hear her and listen to that. Typically, that can’t change.  No matter how many times you post, it can’t change the reality of what’s happening. You will need to figure out a way to cope. 

 

Again, what you you need is incompatible with what she needs. Accept there is a fundamental mismatch.  You can never have what you want. Figure out how to deal with that. I’m sorry you’re in pain. While it may be hard to see, there is potential for a greater relationship later with a different woman.  In any case, I’m sorry for your pain. You won’t get the answers you seek here as there are none.

[brbdogsonfire]

48 minutes ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said:

Thank you dear friend for your kind reply. That means they knowingly married me...Frankly speaking i was not knowing about asexuality. i thought some psychological issues like haphephobia, fear of intimacy, Dismissive avoidant personality etc., . Even she is a dentist. she may aware of her orientation. she used to say gimme some more time for getting into relationship..I believed her some or the other day it will be solved..but went to mutual separation level...I thought like all other girls she too said...but intentionally spoiled my life :(. They will pay for that for sure if intentionally done...Just Got to know how people are in this world! ...I feel like its just my fate...

Many asexual people do not realise they are asexual until into a sexual relationship. It sounds like she did not mean to be dishonest.

[Guest]

On 8/6/2020 at 10:36 PM, Make_Invisible_Visible said:

`I never agree. They know well ; why they are different from others at the puberty level itself. Just for Society and Parents Pressure/compulsion they are marrying....After marrying they may know whether they are Sex Positive or Sex averse thats it..what i can say is either they should not marry or they need to look for someone who is not interested in sex (clearly needs to tell to partner openly)....asexual at any cost they will be single...its gods gift...we wont be able to change....In My Case My asexual wife is dentist...she surely aware of her condition; its like intentionally spoiled my life...she would have told earlier am not interested in marriage....even i asked before marriage; if u r 100 percent interested we can proceed; or will drop if it is 0.01% less disinterest...More than that i wont be able to ask her as a sexual husband....we may think that asexual are shy before marriage (about flirt and sexual talks)...it will be normalized after marriage after engaging personally. but that is not the case....Its like our fate...we need to move on...Sorry if that hurts....all asexuals are not bad....they should not do these kinda activities to someone who is good at society just for compulsions...

The person usually doesn't realize they're asexual because they have not had exposure to the orientation. Not to mention in our hypersexualized society, people are going to attempt to conform rather than seek understanding about themselves in a way that goes against the grain. Basically your wife probably had a notion that she was different or just wasn't understanding it. She most likely bought into the usual stuff like "it will change after marriage" or "you just haven't met the right person yet". My advice is to a get divorce and move on with your life. Your wife is repulsed and you're both likely miserable. Just get it over it. There's no compromising with your case.