Any sexual who used to identify as aspec?

[Artila]

I am pretty curious if there is any allo who used to identify as aspec - I'd like to hear your stories!

 

Also how and how old have you been when you realized you were allo?

 

I did hear about a few people who thought they were aspec before entering their first relationship/ passing a certain age/ having had their first crush etc. but I am curious to hear more about it!

 

At the same time it would be cool if you answered on this post here as well about hints that you are allo which you realized in hindsight.

 

[Guest]

I am not allo, but I am sexual 😛 (hate the term allo, for many reasons)

 

I used to ID as asexual. I began IDing as that after 4 relationships, all of which sex was a big issue (for me). I hated having to have it. I just wanted a sex free relationship. 

 

However, at 30 I met my now wife on AVEN. Neither of us wanted sex. Then we met up and we both realized we did kinda like each other that way. The pressure free environment allowed it to happen. Even though neither of us likes "traditional sex" (PiV or oral) then we do enjoy some partnered sexual stuff together. No longer ID as ace. 

[Artila]

11 minutes ago, Serran said:

I am not allo, but I am sexual 😛 (hate the term allo, for many reasons)

 

I used to ID as asexual. I began IDing as that after 4 relationships, all of which sex was a big issue (for me). I hated having to have it. I just wanted a sex free relationship. 

 

However, at 30 I met my now wife on AVEN. Neither of us wanted sex. Then we met up and we both realized we did kinda like each other that way. The pressure free environment allowed it to happen. Even though neither of us likes "traditional sex" (PiV or oral) then we do enjoy some partnered sexual stuff together. No longer ID as ace. 

That's interesting! May I ask - if that's not too personal - what you mean with "sexual stuff" - does it involve penetration of some sorts or is it just makeouts?

 

Also out of curiosity what makes you averse against the term "allo"? 

 

It's interesting to know though that some really just need to find a person they are comfortable with to find out if they are classically asexual or something else. Thank you for your response!

[Guest]

41 minutes ago, Artila said:

That's interesting! May I ask - if that's not too personal - what you mean with "sexual stuff" - does it involve penetration of some sorts or is it just makeouts?

By sexual stuff I mean partnered activities aimed at generating arousal/sexual stimulation/orgasm. Manual stimulation, mostly, as neither of us likes most forms of traditional sex. And a lot of kinky play that ends in mutual orgasm. But, since we have basically no genital-to-genital or genital-to-mouth contact, our sex life is actually pretty safe, even if active.  And, my wife is trans, so I also avoid most pregnancy risks. If someone needed PiV from me, or even oral, I think I would... be quite unhappy, long-term. I find those acts rather impersonal and distant, very physical, leaves me with no sense of bonding. 

 

41 minutes ago, Artila said:

 

Also out of curiosity what makes you averse against the term "allo"? 

1) It sounds... silly

2) It is stealing a word from the French-Canadian queer community (who had to get their word approved by a council because French is very strict there, so they can't just pick a new word) and applying it to heterosexuals

3) I don't get why "other sexual" needs to be said. Literally, asexuals are "other sexuals" to us and we are "other sexuals" to you. It makes little sense, linguistically. It meaning "other" is why the queer community chose it for themselves, because they applied it to all "other" sexualities outside the hetero norm.. so they named themselves "other". But, it really just means "different to me sexual". I'm fine just being " a sexual person", while asexuals are just asexual or ace. I don't get why the silly over the top stolen term needs to be applied to us. 

 

41 minutes ago, Artila said:

 

It's interesting to know though that some really just need to find a person they are comfortable with to find out if they are classically asexual or something else. Thank you for your response!

I know a few people on AVEN who just had to find "the right person" to stop IDing as ace, which is why I always say it's not as if people are totally wrong when they say it... it's just a totally insensitive thing to say to someone when they come out to you (since maybe they will, maybe they won't, but it isn't really something you can predict so just shush and let them figure themselves out). 

[KiraS]

In my experience, "a sexual person" is a polite euphemism for slut. Which I wouldn't mind so much if the people using it didn't have a history of trying to argue me out of my boundaries, or fixating on my assumed sexual behavior which is only a small part of why I'm out as bi. 

[ryn2]

17 minutes ago, KiraS said:

In my experience, "a sexual person" is a polite euphemism for slut.

Same.  I get that the folks on here want to be called sexuals, not allos, and therefore I do it, but it feels weird and I can’t really use it in conversation off AVEN.

[Guest]

Never had that applied to it. Youtube videos etc use sexual vs asexual np. As do news articles. 

 

I mean, abusers can use anything against someone. Including our sexualites. So, they could use allo to mean "hyper sexual" (some people have posted about how it was used to shame them for their sexuality and otherwise mistreat them) as well.  If an abuser wants to shame you and use your sexual nature against you, they won't care what word you use to describe it. That is the nasty nature of abusers, they don't mind adjusting their abuse to do the most damage and thus use a new label for the same old tactic. 

[ryn2]

7 minutes ago, CBC said:

I assume this is mostly in regards to women, which is a fucked-up double standard.

Yep, exactly.  It’s “she’s a very...  sexual person.”

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

I assume this is mostly in regards to women, which is a fucked-up double standard. Men are supposed to have lots of sexual conquests and women are supposed to be sweet and innocent. What does being 'sexual' mean in that sense, anyway? I haven't fucked lots of people, so I'm far from slutty in that sense. On the other hand, I seem to be more sexually inclined than a lot of other women I know, in the sense of having a relatively high sex drive and wanting lots of sex in the context of a relationship and considering it a vital part of who I am. Does that make me slutty too? 

Guessing it might have to do with age a bit as well. We grew up  beyond the sexual revolution, where being a sexual person is ... not seen as taboo. Everyone has sex. Hookups are common. Whatever. 

 

Whereas, people of my mom's generation sex was taboo. She still sees male attention as "her fault", cause that's what her church taught (wear a short skirt and you are to blame for the lust aimed at you). And the "scarlet woman" of a sexy lady in makeup who hooks up at bars with men is some ladeda evil seductress that just the way she dresses alone can tell you she's an awful person. 

 

But... I never bought into the whole sex is taboo mumbo jumbo. People my age when sex became relevant (teens) were open about it. It wasn't seen as a shameful trait to have sexual desires. Except in my grandmother's religion, but I jumped ship from there when I was 12. 

 

So, modern media videos on asexuality have more younger people who don't mind going "They're asexual, but I'm a sexual person", including women. Personally, I'm all for normalizing that being perfectly acceptable to say. "I have sexual desires, they don't. Nothing wrong with either of us." 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah I know that one. I've heard 'too sexual'... from another sexual person.

 

Can't win. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I've been told I'm not sexual enough. Guess neither of us is good.  

[KiraS]

I came of age during another sexual revolution. I present as or am coded as male in most situations, and the hypersexualization of amab queer people is definitely a thing that people do in in ways that end up violating boundaries. 

[ryn2]

35 minutes ago, Serran said:

Guessing it might have to do with age a bit as well.

That’a likely true, but some of it depends on where you live as well.  The conversations that fly just fine with my (queer, often) online friends are vastly different than ones I can have with local, irl friends, even those who are under 30.

[anisotrophic]

17 minutes ago, KiraS said:

hypersexualization of amab queer people

I don't doubt your experience. I think fetishization plays a role as well. I think it's not something I think my spouse encountered – not from the people he was sexual with, as bi or ace or whatever he is (he's had partners of both genders) – or me, I hope – but he was private about it.

I do get a sense that male / masculine presenting people are assumed to be highly "sexual" (want lots of sex), regardless of orientation – and a lot of stereotyping of what "sexuality" involves (wanting casual sex, sex not emotionally driven, visually oriented), writ large, is dominated by this stereotyped masculine experience. That has negative consequences for all sorts of folks, of all sorts of genders, that don't conform.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That’a likely true, but some of it depends on where you live as well.  The conversations that fly just fine with my (queer, often) online friends are vastly different than ones I can have with local, irl friends, even those who are under 30.

Well, online people can be more open as a whole... cause anonymous,  mostly. 

 

However, personally, in real life, I've had no issues discussing asexuality vs sexuality. Whether that was with an OKCupid date, or family. Everyone understood perfectly what was meant by "an asexual person" and "a sexual person". My second date with a guy off OKCupid we were discussing anal sex in some detail.  Cause I had made it clear I didn't want a sexual relationship at the time (was still IDing as ace) and he made it clear he was a sexual person, but was cool with my boundaries. So we swapped stories about our sex experiences and how different they had been because of our differing tastes. 

 

But, if you are surrounded by more conservative people... or you act like you find it taboo yourself, then probably. I live in a conservative, religious, backwards nowhere town though (population 500 and all of em are at church every week). And my grandmother banned me saying humpback whale cause it had "hump" in its name. But, still not had much issue discussing sexuality vs asexuality. Even my grandmother discussed it with me at length and decided she thought she was asexual and it explained her 5 failed marriages and repulsion to sex. 

 

 

[ryn2]

Yeah, I wasn’t so much meaning talking about it with dates as I was with local friends who basically know no queer people.  I do live in a pretty conservative area, but it’s northern conservative (so more old-school Puritan undertones and fewer modern, “air-quotes Christian” ones) and that may present a little differently than southern conservative does.

[ryn2]

26 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

lot of stereotyping of what "sexuality" involves (wanting casual sex, sex not emotionally driven, visually oriented), writ large, is dominated by this stereotyped masculine experience. That has negative consequences for all sorts of folks, of all sorts of genders, that don't conform.

*nods*
 

All of this.

[Salmiakki]

I was 19 when I realized that I was sexual and admitted it to myself. I spent a lot of time lying to myself and denying my sexuality, so it's kind of hard for me to tell when was the first time I experienced sexual attraction. It's pretty unclear to me. It could have been when I was 17, or 18, or 19. I've had fantasies of having sex with my crush since I was 17. And I think I was 18 or 17 when I started identifying as asexual. Back then I thought of my fantasies as just fantasies, and not as something I wanted to do in real life.

 

There definitely were times when I thought that the term asexual didn't feel quite right. I think that deep down, I did know that I was lying and denying the truth. What made me realize that I was sexual was when I realized that I wanted my sexual fantasies to be more than just fantasies. I wanted them to be real. I realized that I actually did want to have sex with the person I was fantasizing about.

 

Realizing that I was sexual was honestly a relief. I've felt so much more... free, after that and so much more like myself. Like I'm finally being honest about something with myself. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, like I was happy I didn't have to pretend and lie anymore.

[Salmiakki]

27 minutes ago, CBC said:

"You're not asexual, you're just afraid".

Yep, sounds like me, haha

 

Intimacy makes me extremely uncomfortable and scared... I mean, I know I want it but I feel like if I actually got the chance to get close to someone (not just romantically or sexually but also platonically) I would just run away... people are scary, talking to people is scary (and very hard)... even just being in the same room with someone who I don't know is scary. It's really hard for me to get close to anyone. I'm always super cautious. I think that I look like I don't want anyone to approach me, so people simply just don't bother. I want to approach people and talk to them but it's just so scary. I feel like people think that I'm rude and cold and unfriendly because of my anxiety.

 

Also I just feel like there's no way anyone could ever be attracted to me or fall in love with me. The thought of that happening just sounds absolutely impossible.

[MarRister]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

I wasn't one of the Beautiful People (to steal a term from my partner, who experienced some similar things as a teen as well). Sexuality wasn't meant for people like me. It made me uncomfortable and I stuffed it down along with a lot of other things

Oh man this is definitely me. I've never quite been able to put it into words, so thank you for that!

 

I've gotten past this a fair bit, but it is still always in the back of my mind, and comes out when I'm not feeling good about myself. It is so hard to change our ingrained thinking patterns 😩

[MarRister]

2 minutes ago, CBC said:

It sure is, yeah. I've a long ways to go yet...

I feel like I'll never really stop, but as long as I'm making some progress I think I can be proud of that. 

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

I originally thought I was ace when I was 15 because sex with anyone just kinda seemed unpleasant and like I'd be uncomfortable. I had had crushes on guys before but when it came to the sex part, fantasizing about it was alright but I felt like I could never do it irl. Then I felt really trapped calling myself ace for a while until I realized I definitely wanted sex, but I felt irked at the thought of it being with a guy, and I started identifying as lesbian because I saw sex with girls as "the lesser of two evils." Later on, it occurred to me that I didn't desire sex with girls and only one girl had really turned me on (although I didn't desire her) so I floated between grey (hence my username which is awesome so I'm not gonna change it) and ace. Later on at early 17 (I'm still 17, almost 18), I realized that I'm actually trans and it took me a little while to work through the fact that I'm really gay and was repressing my desire for guys because of my bottom dysphoria. Before realizing I was gay, I floated between gay and bi because I thought "I guess I'd be okay having a relationship with a woman" but that was resolved when I realized that being okay with something is not the same thing as wanting it, and if the situation was ideal (if my parts were correct) I'd want sex with a guy. I'm still getting to being totally okay with being gay and trans, but I feel way better than the last two years because I've unrepressed a lot of stuff and I feel more at ease.

[Salmiakki]

3 hours ago, CBC said:

Also same, and I purposely cultivated that sort of aura in my teens. Closed-off body language, something between a neutral and vaguely irritated look on my face... headphones in... haha. Everything about my presentation screamed 'don't talk to me', or so I hoped at least.

I mean, personally, I don't do it on purpose. I just naturally seem cold or unapproachable to other people by being myself. Okay, I mean I guess sometimes, in some ways I do it on purpose, but I was talking about how I seem cold even though I'm not doing anything to try to look cold.

[Artila]

On 7/23/2020 at 9:18 PM, Salmiakki said:

I was 19 when I realized that I was sexual and admitted it to myself. I spent a lot of time lying to myself and denying my sexuality, so it's kind of hard for me to tell when was the first time I experienced sexual attraction. It's pretty unclear to me. It could have been when I was 17, or 18, or 19. I've had fantasies of having sex with my crush since I was 17. And I think I was 18 or 17 when I started identifying as asexual. Back then I thought of my fantasies as just fantasies, and not as something I wanted to do in real life.

 

There definitely were times when I thought that the term asexual didn't feel quite right. I think that deep down, I did know that I was lying and denying the truth. What made me realize that I was sexual was when I realized that I wanted my sexual fantasies to be more than just fantasies. I wanted them to be real. I realized that I actually did want to have sex with the person I was fantasizing about.

 

Realizing that I was sexual was honestly a relief. I've felt so much more... free, after that and so much more like myself. Like I'm finally being honest about something with myself. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, like I was happy I didn't have to pretend and lie anymore.

That is really interesting, thank you!

Cannot say that I have had these fantasies towards a specific person but I can kinda relate to what you wrote in the last paragraph. Once I decided to call myself "not sexually awoken yet" I felt relieved as hell too while when I called myself ace I felt ... with all respect - but I felt disabled. My labels only represent the feelings I've had so far and I am willing to update them once I gather new experiences.

 

(on the flip side, the defintion of sexual can be broad so some people might call the targeted fantasies I've had "sexual" already)

 

 

On 7/23/2020 at 9:34 PM, CBC said:

"You're not asexual, you're just afraid".

 

Oh, damn! I remember writing something similar into my diary before I started questioning the existence of my sexuality. I wrote something along the lines of "I might be asexual but I doubt it - it's more a mental problem than a physical" and all about how my "limitations" in sexual things are more linked to my low sense of self-worth and mistrust towards other people etc.

 

 

[Artila]

On 7/23/2020 at 11:32 PM, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

I originally thought I was ace when I was 15 because sex with anyone just kinda seemed unpleasant and like I'd be uncomfortable. I had had crushes on guys before but when it came to the sex part, fantasizing about it was alright but I felt like I could never do it irl. Then I felt really trapped calling myself ace for a while until I realized I definitely wanted sex, but I felt irked at the thought of it being with a guy, and

started identifying as lesbian because I saw sex with girls as "the lesser of two evils." Later on, it occurred to me that I didn't desire sex with girls and only one girl had really turned me on (although I didn't desire her) so I floated between grey (hence my username which is awesome so I'm not gonna change it) and ace. Later on at early 17 (I'm still 17, almost 18), I realized that I'm actually trans and it took me a little while to work through the fact that I'm really gay and was repressing my desire for guys because of my bottom dysphoria. Before realizing I was gay, I floated between gay and bi because I thought "I guess I'd be okay having a relationship with a woman" but that was resolved when I realized that being okay with something is not the same thing as wanting it, and if the situation was ideal (if my parts were correct) I'd want sex with a guy. I'm still getting to being totally okay with being gay and trans, but I feel way better than the last two years because I've unrepressed a lot of stuff and I feel more at ease.

that sounds like one hell of a ride  I am happy for you that you found out about your true feelings. Kinda made me question if I felt more comfortable being a male but nah, I'd feel equally weird if not even more haha XD

 

On 7/23/2020 at 11:32 PM, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

I started identifying as lesbian because I saw sex with girls as "the lesser of two evils."

oh I had that phase too tbh. Until I realized that this is still ace af lol. Idk I simply don't like genitalia - even if I imagine having a dick I'd be like "oof wouldn't that thing be in my way? Naaahhhhh I am better off as a girl ugh" XD also I prefer having my girl body because idk I am lowkey attracted to myself sometimes if that makes sense lol. (does that make me a narcissist or is it a healthy way to love myself?)

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

5 hours ago, Artila said:

that sounds like one hell of a ride  I am happy for you that you found out about your true feelings. Kinda made me question if I felt more comfortable being a male but nah, I'd feel equally weird if not even more haha XD

Thank you and lmao 😂

 

5 hours ago, Artila said:

oh I had that phase too tbh. Until I realized that this is still ace af lol. Idk I simply don't like genitalia - even if I imagine having a dick I'd be like "oof wouldn't that thing be in my way? Naaahhhhh I am better off as a girl ugh" XD also I prefer having my girl body because idk I am lowkey attracted to myself sometimes if that makes sense lol. (does that make me a narcissist or is it a healthy way to love myself?)

You're killing me 😂😂 And I think that's a healthy way to love yourself lol. As far as I remember, I always thought if I had a guy's body, I'd straight up marry myself because I'd love myself so much.

[Guest]

I'm demi and really have never thought of a real person like that however I did have some limits on my sexuality. I wasn't interested in being touched at all by whatever character and would have periods of complete disinterest. Nothing's too different now but I really miss those periods. They felt freeing, especially nowadays when my sexuality feels far more like a burden than anything enjoyable.

[Artila]

22 hours ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

I'm demi and really have never thought of a real person like that however I did have some limits on my sexuality. I wasn't interested in being touched at all by whatever character and would have periods of complete disinterest. Nothing's too different now but I really miss those periods. They felt freeing, especially nowadays when my sexuality feels far more like a burden than anything enjoyable.

I heard some rare stories of a person with hardcore ace sentiments suddenly developing an sexual urge too and how they suffer from it. 😕 I am sorry for you.

 

Quote

have never thought of a real person like that

Quote

by whatever character

 

Also do you mean you are mostly (sexually) attracted to fictional characters?

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Artila said:

I heard some rare stories of a person with hardcore ace sentiments suddenly developing an sexual urge too and how they suffer from it. 😕 I am sorry for you.

 

 

Also do you mean you are mostly (sexually) attracted to fictional characters?

Basically I get into a character's personality and become attracted to them. It's a lot harder to form bonds with people and intimately know them in comparison to fictional characters.

[Artila]

6 hours ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

Basically I get into a character's personality and become attracted to them. It's a lot harder to form bonds with people and intimately know them in comparison to fictional characters.

Ah yeah I do something like this too, just platonically. I love to know a cool character so well I can recreate their behaviour, mannerism, speech etc. I see the appeal :3 And some characters just make me fangirl, nothing can stop this ^u^. But it's all just a weird way of squishing to me if that makes sense.

 

I don't do fictional crushes, I do fictional squishes XD

 

(I mean just look at Double Trouble in my pfp, that character is hella awesome and his voice sometimes gives me fangirl shivers XD)

[œddy]

On 7/23/2020 at 9:20 PM, Salmiakki said:

Intimacy makes me extremely uncomfortable and scared... I mean, I know I want it but I feel like if I actually got the chance to get close to someone (not just romantically or sexually but also platonically) I would just run away...

I relate heavily to this, I've always been terrified of intimacy and opening myself up. But I think a lot of it is repression due to never actually having any sexual encounters and an intense fear of rejection.

 

It feels like an excuse, but I went to an all boys schools and grew up in the country through my sexual maturity. My friends didn't bother much with relationships either, so I never really had much interaction with women my age. Maybe I didn't know the signs, but noone showed any interest while at university despite being in some large social groups. By my mid 20s I think I just lost interest. I definitely wanted a sexual encounter at the time, but more than anything just to know that I had and to say that I had, as if it would be the all-consuming and life changing experience that our stupid society puts it on a pedestal as (and labels lack of it as well). I really don't care anymore now I'm in my late 30s, but it fucked my mind up so long its upsetting to think about.

 

It was the same for relationships in general, I hadn't had one so I assumed I was being immature. As soon as I got one then I would be like all the other normal people in relationships around me. I thankfully realised this was bullshit, but it took me a long time and my family have thankfully accepted they've got enough grandkids from my sibling so they dont need to pester me.