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How Has Discovering Your Identity Helped You?


SweetTart

How Has Discovering Your Identity Helped you?  

62 members have voted

  1. 1. How has discovering your sexual/romantic identity impacted you personally?

    • Gave me confidence
      38
    • Provided me with community
      42
    • Solved personal confusion/Answered past questions
      50
    • Improved my relationships
      18
    • Provided new opportunities
      17
    • Had little to no effect
      8
    • Other (Share below)
      1

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  • Poll closed on 09/20/20 at 05:00 AM

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How has discovering/realizing your romantic and sexual identity helped you?
I'd love to hear everyone's personal experiences and journeys around their identity, and how it has, or maybe hasn't, affected your life.

Personally, I believe early on in my life I equated being liked romantically by another person with self worth. I never dated, but I wanted others to find me attractive, even though I didn't feel romantically attracted to them. I saw people as aesthetically attractive, but when it came to romantic attraction and "crushes", I never really experienced them. I didn't understand this for a long time, and thought some part of me was broken or messed up, and that I would truly never find love.
Since I had connected so much self-worth with being found attractive and experiencing a conventional, heteronormative romantic relationship, this thought caused me a lot of distress. Over time, after better learning about my own personal needs and desires, I realized that I never truly wanted to be romantically or sexually involved with anyone. I was just always taught that it was something to be desired, and since I enjoyed that type of content it made sense that I should want that for myself as well. Realizing the truth and coming to accept the fact that I don't want to be sexually or romantically involved with anyone has brought so much relief and happiness to my life, and has changed the way I see myself. I am now happily living for my own wants and dreams, without beating myself up over not experiencing what many others do because I think I "should".

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I wish I would've discovered years ago who I am honestly. It would've explained a lottt. When I found out last year that I'm demisexual, it helped me understand that I wasn't weird or a prude for not wanting to talk about sex and being so sex-repulsed previously. In regards to being demiromantic, it helped me realize that it was okay that I didn't get my first real crush until my freshman year of high school. Finding out that I'm demi lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders!

 

As for coming to the realization that I'm bi this year, it opened the door for me to date someone no matter what their gender identity is (I know that's not considered the definition of bi, but I feel like "bi" fits me the best so...)! Previously, I would say that I would date men (cis and trans) and then certain non-binary people. Now, I would say that I'm willing to date anyone. My partner is a pre-transition trans woman and I know now that when they do transition, I'll still love them and be there for them (maybe I'll love them even more than before). :)

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Rainy Robin

I'm still questioning my romantic identity, but with regards to finding my sexual identity I just feel so much more in tune with myself now that I know I'm ace. Before, I was carrying a lot of tension because I knew something was different about me in comparison to others my age but I couldn't find the language to describe what that difference was exactly. But reading the forums on this site and seeing how many other people have had similar experiences as me gave me a sense of comfort and validation that I didn't know I needed. 

 

 

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Aquatic Paradox

It has provided self-confidence, which is all I need.

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It definitely helped me accept my lack of romantic/sexual feelings.

I still struggle with the fact that I want to fall in love/be in a relationship but I rarely get feelings that might lead to that, especially when someone else asks me to, but it helps to remember that you can't force yourself to have feeling for someone, and there's a reason for my lack of feelings in that department. It's also very helpful to have a label, others can understand you better when you explain it or even do their own researches if they want to. It feels weird when all of your friends get constant crushes and you had your last one more than 7 years ago, but seeing others experiencing the same struggles helps a lot.

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I cannot fully say that I have figured myself out but I know as much about myself as I can know now.

 

Researching about aesxuality and aromanticism has taught me a lot, especially learning about the Split Attraction Model etc. etc. You really learn the most about a thing by questioning its existence.

 

And also it was important for me to learn that not everyone is a horndog like one might have the impression. There are even a lot of sexual people who consider sex as a side topic. That's the beauty of a spectrum - everything from ace to hypersexual is possible, valid and fine.

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All of the top 5:)

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fooledbysecrecy

the first 3 options more or less. most importantly answered questions and made things click into place.

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On 7/21/2020 at 8:43 PM, SweetTart said:

Personally, I believe early on in my life I equated being liked romantically by another person with self worth... Since I had connected so much self-worth with being found attractive and experiencing a conventional, heteronormative romantic relationship, this thought caused me a lot of distress... 

I relate to this strongly. My experience is similar, but quite extreme. I was born into a profoundly dysfunctional family. My identifying being found attractive with self worth manifested in part as bona-fide sex and love addiction. I did not pursue sex because I was sexually attracted to people, but because I craved the validation I got from being the object of attention and desire, and from being what I saw as "normal". Addiction in any form is unrelentingly painful. Through intense effort and Grace, I overcame this pattern of addiction. What I realized is that absent from the chaos of addiction, I did not experience "normal" sexual feelings about anyone. This was very confusing and distressing, especially once forging a beautiful, uplifting and healthy relationship with the person I eventually married. I spent a lot of time beating myself up and trying to get "fixed" for the sake of our relationship. That I had spent some of my life in the grip of sex and love addiction made understanding the truth of my asexuality confounding. After much research, reflection and contemplation, the experiences of my life regarding sex and sexuality began to coalesce into a clearer picture. Coming out as asexual to my spouse was one of the most important things I've done. The whole process was dynamic and challenging to be sure, but I can say he did immediately understand that what I told him made complete sense (of course, unpacking the details regarding what it meant in our relationship has been a process). Since having come out to my spouse and a handful of friends, I felt a significant layer of constant generalized anxiety just slip right off. I feel freer to be me, whatever that is. 

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DarkStormyKnight

Honestly exploring my identity and figuring out what terms I want to use to describe myself has helped me in almost every way possible. I was pretty happy with myself before I knew about asexuality, I suspected something was "off" or "broken" but it wasn't like I was actively beating myself up about it. And just coming across the term has made me so much more comfortable in my own skin and confident.

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I don't do "labels" and I don't believe they make any difference at all whatsoever.

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@Homer That's fair!
It's not necessarily about the labels themselves, but how you do or don't experience romantic/sexual attraction and the possible difference in your life surrounding personal realization/discovery of that fact.

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  • 1 year later...

@SweetTart

 

This poll is being locked and moved to the read only Census archive for it's respective year. As part of ongoing Census organisation, and in an attempt to keep the demographics of the polls current with the active user base at the time, the polls will last for one year from now on. However, members are allowed and even encouraged to restart new polls similar to the archived ones if they like them.

  

iff, Census Forum Moderator

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