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Still a Virgin


GingerRose

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Why is the statement always "Oh I'm STILL a virgin!"?

Is there an age people are expecting to have had sex by?

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I think it's more of like people expect you to have sex by a certain age. Where I'm from, people would probably think that it's weird that I'm 17 and still a virgin. It's just the pressure from society I guess.

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AspieAlly613

Because it's something that once you transition out of, you can't transition back into, but most people transition out of.  Similar to "I'm still alive".

 

Some people might say "I'm celibate for life" instead.

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It's a one way street. You're a virgin and then you may not be anymore at some point. I don't see it any different than saying "I'm still going to school."

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14 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Why is the statement always "Oh I'm STILL a virgin!"?

Is there an age people are expecting to have had sex by?

<30y/o is where 97% of the people have had sex...

>35y/o this is about 1% of those who haven't...

 

Average age seems to be around 16+ and 19- in the western world.

 

Many aces seemingly aren't virgins either, at least... in my circle. But that's often paired with a not so likable experience.

 

The closest for me... is a hug. Though I wish for cuddles...

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29 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Is there an age people are expecting to have had sex by?

It depends on your morals: for some it's age, for others after marriage:)

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Rainy Robin

I think this statement might also be a reference to someone's desire to have a sexual (and / or romantic) relationship. For example, if a person wants a romantic + sexual relationship with someone, they might say this because they wish they had that relationship and are frustrated / sad / disappointed that that relationship isn't in their life yet. 

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Lord Jade Cross

Usually, people will pressure you to have sex, or to explain through some out of the ordinary situation by which you haven't had it past 16, though in some cases it goes dangerously near 13-14, or at least that's what I saw in some teen pregnancies when I was working at a lab. 

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53 minutes ago, Elise Jennings said:

Where I'm from, people would probably think that it's weird that I'm 17 and still a virgin.

Wait, really? I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that most of my friends are probably having sex. Statistically I know it's the case, but my mind has trouble making that connection to people I actually know. I'm 20 and still a virgin, with no plans to change that anytime soon.

 

34 minutes ago, Rainy_Robin said:

I think this statement might also be a reference to someone's desire to have a sexual (and / or romantic) relationship.

I do agree that some people legitimately desire a sexual relationship, but there are also a lot of societal pressures to engage in sex. In The Breakfast Club there's a whole scene where the five kids are all posturing and lying just so they won't have to admit that they're virgins. That's never something people should feel the need to do.

 

 

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1 minute ago, Salmakia said:

Wait, really? I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that most of my friends are probably having sex. Statistically I know it's the case, but my mind has trouble making that connection to people I actually know. I'm 20 and still a virgin, with no plans to change that anytime soon.

Yeah, really. I don't think I'm like a lot of people who are ace spec because of the fact that I knew that wanting/having sex was the norm. I knew that since I was like 13 I think. Most people around me (at lunch, on the bus, etc.) were talking about having sex and I couldn't relate. I think I felt weird about being a virgin even at 14 cause I knew that I was different from my peers. I used to be completely sex-repulsed, so sex never would have been option for me back then anyways. I think one of my cousins lost their virginity at 15 and one of my other one's at 17.

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4 minutes ago, Elise Jennings said:

Most people around me (at lunch, on the bus, etc.) were talking about having sex and I couldn't relate.

Interesting...most people in my circles never talked about sex. Maybe that comes from growing up in an area which firmly teaches abstinence, or else its just the people I chose to surround myself with. Also, I tend to be oblivious to things like that anyways (I also tend to ignore the fact that most of my friends probably get drunk fairly often...and I go to one of the biggest party schools in the country). Either way, the idea of people actually having sex never really occurred to me until one of my friends suggested I might be asexual, at which point I realized that my feelings might not actually be normal for my peers.

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2 minutes ago, Salmakia said:

Maybe that comes from growing up in an area which firmly teaches abstinence, or else its just the people I chose to surround myself with.

The school district that I grew up in only taught abstinence-only education. I think the problem was though that all we ever got was learning about puberty in 5th grade, STDs in 8th grade, and then Health in 9th grade (which had "Sex Ed," a loose version that is). Sex Ed sucked cause the teachers weren't allowed to teach about condoms, birth control, or anything like that. The only thing that was taught was that PIV sex results in pregnancy. That's literally about it. The teacher said straight up that she wasn't really allowed to teach us about anything else.

 

The first two people I dated were allos, so...The person I'm with now is also demi, so at least they kind of understand my situation (and we're from the same school district so...).

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7 hours ago, GingerRose said:

Why is the statement always "Oh I'm STILL a virgin!"?

Is there an age people are expecting to have had sex by?

When I've come out I've included that I'm a virgin (I'm in my 50s) more or less as an exclamation point to my lack of sexual attraction. Only one person commented on it (they thought I'd had sex with a female friend back in the day).

 

To the rest of them my virginity was a non-issue. They may have had a question or two about asexuality and my reasons for identifying as such, but no 'push back'

 

6 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

<30y/o is where 97% of the people have had sex...

>35y/o this is about 1% of those who haven't...

 

Average age seems to be around 16+ and 19- in the western world.

 

Many aces seemingly aren't virgins either, at least... in my circle. But that's often paired with a not so likable experience.

 

The closest for me... is a hug. Though I wish for cuddles...

Same here! Virtual or real work for me.

 

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5 hours ago, Salmakia said:

Wait, really? I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that most of my friends are probably having sex. Statistically I know it's the case, but my mind has trouble making that connection to people I actually know. I'm 20 and still a virgin, with no plans to change that anytime soon.

 

I do agree that some people legitimately desire a sexual relationship, but there are also a lot of societal pressures to engage in sex. In The Breakfast Club there's a whole scene where the five kids are all posturing and lying just so they won't have to admit that they're virgins. That's never something people should feel the need to do.

 

 

I've never had to, but I always got very uncomfortable when the topic came up.

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Maybe, for a fair proportion of the population, "breaking your duck" is seen as a part of growing up and becoming an adult. 

It's also an expression that can be taken both positively and negatively depending on who you are with. "Still a virgin" said in church will probably get you praised for your moral rectitude, but saying the same thing to the same people in a sports club locker room will get you tagged a loser. Can't win 

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7 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

"Still a virgin" said in church will probably get you praised for your moral rectitude, but saying the same thing to the same people in a sports club locker room will get you tagged a loser.

I think either way is a problem honestly. Yes, it should be okay to be a virgin, but churches push purity culture (waiting until marriage) and that can be harmful to many. If people want to explore who they are, they should be able to do that without judgement. Now, from the eyes of society, if you're still a virgin by a certain age, it can be seen as weird (which it shouldn't be seen that way). It should change in religion where it's okay to do some self-discovery, but at the same time make it in society to where it's okay not to have done anything. There needs to be some sort of balance.

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I wonder how many little humans are a result of people wanting to lose tgeir virginity with the ensuing pregnancy?

 

I think times have changed since I was in high school during the 70s. Years later talking to a classmate who hung with the 'rowdy' crowd, he told me of four of our classmates who had abortions.

 

Nowadays you see mothers of an age that would be better suited to babysitters.

 

A female friend who is 26 tells me her twin brother's girlfriend is 20. I've seen her and she looks quite small for a 20 year old. Apparently her two older children are in the care of the (father's) mother due to her age when she had them.

 

Ridiculous if you ask me :(

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12 minutes ago, will123 said:

I wonder how many little humans are a result of people wanting to lose tgeir virginity with the ensuing pregnancy?

Yeah...There seem to be a lot more teen pregnancies nowadays. It kind of makes me think of where I'm from with the fact that we weren't taught how to protect ourselves during sex (at school at least). We weren't allowed to be taught about condoms, birth control, any of that stuff. Abstinence-only education could be partly to blame. It's scary to think that there are people my age who have already had a kid(s). I may be able to help my parents raise my baby cousin, but I know I wouldn't be able to do that by myself from start to finish, at least not right now. If other teens can do it, props to them, but school should be the main focus for them until they have at least graduated from high school.

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8 hours ago, Elise Jennings said:

Yeah...There seem to be a lot more teen pregnancies nowadays. It kind of makes me think of where I'm from with the fact that we weren't taught how to protect ourselves during sex (at school at least).

Same kind of thing with alcohol and drugs. People are going to do the thing, even if you make it illegal/amoral, so you might as well teach them how to be safe about it.

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1 hour ago, Salmakia said:

Same kind of thing with alcohol and drugs. People are going to do the thing, even if you make it illegal/amoral, so you might as well teach them how to be safe about it.

Yep. Exactly!

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Lord Jade Cross
On 7/20/2020 at 10:52 AM, Elise Jennings said:

I think either way is a problem honestly. Yes, it should be okay to be a virgin, but churches push purity culture (waiting until marriage) and that can be harmful to many. If people want to explore who they are, they should be able to do that without judgement. Now, from the eyes of society, if you're still a virgin by a certain age, it can be seen as weird (which it shouldn't be seen that way). It should change in religion where it's okay to do some self-discovery, but at the same time make it in society to where it's okay not to have done anything. There needs to be some sort of balance.

I think that even churches would double down and start pushing for sex, if the amount of people who assisted to mass would start dwindling and only older folks were left around. The fact is that a form of control is only useful if it has some resistance. Total control and /or compliance however will backfire sort of like how it's said that once you push anything to it's inevitable conclusion, you will end up with its opposite.

 

I don't remember who was it that stared it here but it's like parents who push for abstinence on their kids, secretly waiting (hoping) that one day their kid will challenge the rule. But when you have a kid that grows up and remains with the idea so ingrained into their minds that they completely disregard sex, then all of the sudden, parents start sweating and getting worried that they may have fucked up, though by then it's too little too late. 

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It's so ridiculous that so much pressure is put on whether you're a virgin or not. Sex doesn't change your life or add meaning, it's just a pastime or for reproducing. I have a feeling if the term "virgin" didn't exist people wouldn't stress so much about it. 😒

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1 minute ago, Raindrops said:

I have a feeling if the term "virgin" didn't exist people wouldn't stress so much about it. 😒

That's probably true, yeah

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26 minutes ago, Raindrops said:

It's so ridiculous that so much pressure is put on whether you're a virgin or not. Sex doesn't change your life or add meaning, it's just a pastime or for reproducing. I have a feeling if the term "virgin" didn't exist people wouldn't stress so much about it. 😒

Thank you!

 

I don't 'feel' any different about myself or my life since I'm a virgin. I was so glad, no make that happy, to scratch 'lose virginity' off my bucket list when I identified as asexual.

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The only reason I 'lost' mine was out of pure curiosity (and okay a little bit of embarrassment at being the only virgin left out of my friendship group). I was 23, it was with someone I trusted and I wasn't particularly for or against it. My experience was, "oh this doesn't hurt as much as I was expecting" and "is that it?" LOL. I was pretty drunk though too so that probably helped a lot, seen as in prior relationships when anyone so much as put their hand on my thigh I started to shake uncontrollably.

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Lord Jade Cross
On 7/25/2020 at 6:58 PM, Raindrops said:

It's so ridiculous that so much pressure is put on whether you're a virgin or not. Sex doesn't change your life or add meaning, it's just a pastime or for reproducing. I have a feeling if the term "virgin" didn't exist people wouldn't stress so much about it. 😒

The term can exists, it's just the attitude people have towards it that is problematic

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Lord Jade Cross
On 7/27/2020 at 4:33 PM, Littleface said:

The only reason I 'lost' mine was out of pure curiosity (and okay a little bit of embarrassment at being the only virgin left out of my friendship group). I was 23, it was with someone I trusted and I wasn't particularly for or against it. My experience was, "oh this doesn't hurt as much as I was expecting" and "is that it?" LOL. I was pretty drunk though too so that probably helped a lot, seen as in prior relationships when anyone so much as put their hand on my thigh I started to shake uncontrollably.

Over time, I've had difficulty understanding the "lost" phrasing the this gets.

 

As far as I know, way, and I mean WAY too many people get so caught up in the whole "need to get rid of it", without the additional pressure from peers, only to, in many times, regret their decision. And even if they didn't, it's still an unsual way to phrase something you (as in general sense, not pointing out anyone in particular here); were in such desperate hurry to get over with.

 

Add to that, that it takes one successful attempt to say you are no longer a virgin but, as pointed out previously, this is a pass time, you don't get anything out if it in tangible terms. You don't become "woke", I mean unless you consider the disappointment that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be as one; after doing it, you don't gain some otherworldly amount of information or insight, no gold start, heck with how much pressure there is to throw away virginity, you would think there would be some amazing gift at the end if it. If anything, getting rid of it seems to be more of a pressure to maintain the status quo than anything else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I don't think I'm ace (although it's a little difficult to tell sometimes) and a virgin (at 27). I used to have this on the mind a lot around the late teen years but gradually I've stopped caring about it. I look at the positive: I'm not going to catch any diseases, I don't have to go to clinics for check ups, not gonna have any awkward sexual encounters etc. In terms of the expectation to lose virginity, I find the Vulcans from Star Trek and the Stoic philosopher, Musonius Rufus, incredibly helpful. The latter, for example, said it was good to have sex only when trying to have kids, this position feels a bit like a respite for me in this seemingly sex-addicted culture we live in lol (not judging other people here, I just don't have a big urge to have sex that's all).

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2 minutes ago, adiga said:

I don't think I'm ace (although it's a little difficult to tell sometimes) and a virgin (at 27). I used to have this on the mind a lot around the late teen years but gradually I've stopped caring about it. I look at the positive: I'm not going to catch any diseases, I don't have to go to clinics for check ups, not gonna have any awkward sexual encounters etc. In terms of the expectation to lose virginity, I find the Vulcans from Star Trek and the Stoic philosopher, Musonius Rufus, incredibly helpful. The latter, for example, said it was good to have sex only when trying to have kids, this position feels a bit like a respite for me in this seemingly sex-addicted culture we live in lol (not judging other people here, I just don't have a big urge to have sex that's all).

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

 

When I came out to a female friend (that I've known since we were teens) that I was asexual, I told her that besides never having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I was still a virgin. She remarked remarkably similarly to what you said. "Not everyone is going to feel the same away about it". She was completely understanding in how I felt and identified.

 

 

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