Finding identity in my 40s

[BuckRogers]

First time I've posted here but I've been searching around quite a lot for info. Here goes the long explanation.

 

I'm a generally straight man in his early 40s. I've been in relationships pretty much my entire life starting at 16. I'm attracted to women, enjoy masturbating and sex, but could ultimately go without sex for the rest of my life. At this point in my about 10 year relationship, sex only comes about every 3 or 4 months and I've no problem with that.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm aro, as I'm not really fond of any sort of hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, romantic gestures, candlelight dinners, dates, basically anything I can imagine as being considered romantic. It has frequently been a problem in relationships and I generally perform these actions to satisfy my girlfriends. I have been in love once before but never again after that.

 

I don't get jealous and don't even miss my girlfriend if she happens to go away somewhere for longer periods of time. Actually, I'm happiest alone. Really, I'd be happiest to find someone who shared my interests so we could just be hanging out all the time without any sort of physical contact.

 

The thing is, I'd like to be able to have sex sometimes. I could be happy just masturbating, and I find the best turn on is simply the sound of a woman being pleasured, no visual even needed. This is why I have trouble coming to the ace label. It seems very strictly to be no sexual attraction at all where I do find myself sexually attracted to women, but not really concerned with whether I can have sex with them or not. I'd rather avoid the "hassles" of relationships and stick to masturbating.

 

I keep searching for a label basically for myself because it's something that I can't get off my mind. It's like I need to find a label so I can stop thinking about it, but the more I search, the more confused I get.

 

Would it be unreasonable to call myself aroace at this point? I'd hate to be seen as fake, which is why I continue to search.

 

If you made it here, thanks. Any advice, questions, or suggestions would be great.

[LeChat]

Hi! ...Just a thought, but have you heard of "heterosexual aromantic?" It describes people who feel/become sexually attracted to others, but who also don't experience romantic attraction.

 

If you're interested, there's another forum you can check out, that has just aromantic people; it includes all types of aromantic people, not only aromantic asexuals, but heterosexual aromantics, too.

 

Perhaps, reading around there might help you, too. I think it has more posts from heterosexual aromantic people, there, too.

 

Home page:

https://www.arocalypse.com/

 

Aromantic FAQ:

https://www.aromanticism.org/en/faq#what-is-aromanticism

 

https://www.arocalypse.com/topic/295-early-signs-that-you-were-aro/

[Salmakia]

Welcome! My feelings on labels is that you should use whatever makes you comfortable. There's no label police wandering around telling you that you can't be aroace. Sure, some people might try to argue the can'ts and shouldn'ts of being ace, but they can't stop you from being who you are. You might also just be aromantic, but with a lower need for sex than most allosexuals. You might also be grey-asexual (or greysexual/grey-A), which encompasses a whole range of areas which aren't absolutely asexual but definitely not allosexual either. These might include only feeling sexual attraction at some times, in some ways, for specific people, etc. The list is as long as there are people who choose to use the label. Some people like to be very specific and find a label which fits them exactly, while others (including myself) would rather just stick with the asexual label and say that any idiosyncrasies within that are just personal preferences. Either way, I can say from experience that you'll probably change your mind at least a dozen times and be really, really confused before you settle on something that feels right. I know I still feel confusion constantly. AVEN is a great place to explore and ask questions of people who go through the same thing. Have a squirrel cake!

 

[Purple Red Panda]

Welcome💜

[BuckRogers]

1 hour ago, LeChat said:

Hi! ...Just a thought, but have you heard of "heterosexual aromantic?" It describes people who feel/become sexually attracted to others, but who also don't experience romantic attraction.

I think some of my questioning of the ace label comes from the fact that I have the sexual attraction but can't really act on it until I'm comfortable with the person and know them better. Like a one night stand makes no sense to me. I can enjoy sex, but don't really need it and think it's mostly about pleasing the other person while it's just about the release for me. It kinda feels like my thoughts both fit and don't fit into the definitions I keep finding.

 

1 hour ago, Salmakia said:

Welcome! My feelings on labels is that you should use whatever makes you comfortable. There's no label police wandering around telling you that you can't be aroace. Sure, some people might try to argue the can'ts and shouldn'ts of being ace, but they can't stop you from being who you are. You might also just be aromantic, but with a lower need for sex than most allosexuals. You might also be grey-asexual (or greysexual/grey-A), which encompasses a whole range of areas which aren't absolutely asexual but definitely not allosexual either. These might include only feeling sexual attraction at some times, in some ways, for specific people, etc. The list is as long as there are people who choose to use the label. Some people like to be very specific and find a label which fits them exactly, while others (including myself) would rather just stick with the asexual label and say that any idiosyncrasies within that are just personal preferences. Either way, I can say from experience that you'll probably change your mind at least a dozen times and be really, really confused before you settle on something that feels right. I know I still feel confusion constantly. AVEN is a great place to explore and ask questions of people who go through the same thing. Have a squirrel cake!

 

My worry is not about labeling myself, but that I wouldn't want to be seen as offensive to others. Many of my friends identify as pan or bi, with various pronouns, so I wouldn't want to appear insensitive by suddenly being like hey I'm ace. As a straight White man, I understand my path in life probably couldn't be easier, so I don't want to be taking advantage of my priviledge, or appear to be either.

 

I would probably only tell a very select amount of people, but it's those people I would definitely not want to offend. Of course, it's also those people who I know would be the most understanding.

 

Also, squirrels are my favorite and that cake looks great!

[BuckRogers]

1 hour ago, Purple Red Panda said:

Welcome💜

Thanks for the cake. I'm going to get hungry with all these pictures now.

[Skycaptain]

@BuckRogers, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[LeChat]

8 hours ago, BuckRogers said:

I think some of my questioning of the ace label comes from the fact that I have the sexual attraction but can't really act on it until I'm comfortable with the person and know them better. Like a one night stand makes no sense to me. I can enjoy sex, but don't really need it and think it's mostly about pleasing the other person while it's just about the release for me. It kinda feels like my thoughts both fit and don't fit into the definitions I keep finding.

 

My worry is not about labeling myself, but that I wouldn't want to be seen as offensive to others...

 Oh; okay. Have you come across the terms "demisexual" or "gray-sexual," to see whether you relate to those?

 

Here's AVEN's FAQ, along with definitions.

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/199958-when-did-you-realize-you-were-greysexual-or-demisexual-or-demi-grey/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/160783-questions-about-gray-sexuality/

 

[Salmakia]

12 hours ago, BuckRogers said:

My worry is not about labeling myself, but that I wouldn't want to be seen as offensive to others. Many of my friends identify as pan or bi, with various pronouns, so I wouldn't want to appear insensitive by suddenly being like hey I'm ace.

It's funny you say that--my friends and I have never really talked about our sexuality up until recently, when I came out as ace. At that point I learned that, of my three closest friends, two are bisexual and one is agender. Although we don't share exactly the same experiences or feelings, it has given us some common ground and led to some really great discussions surrounding our various identities. I fully applaud your consciousness of your own privilege, and I think that as long as you don't go around comparing your struggles to those of your friends (honestly, no one should feel entitled to do that) you should feel free to be who you are, and to tell them so if that is something you want to do. While it is true that being ace doesn't reduce the privilege of being a white male, it is also true that being a white male doesn't disqualify you from being ace. A good friend, especially one who has explored their own identity as most LGBTQIPA+ individuals are wont to do, will accept the fact that you are still the same person you always were, but with a new word to help more accurately communicate some aspects of your feelings. 

[BuckRogers]

5 hours ago, LeChat said:

 Oh; okay. Have you come across the terms "demisexual" or "gray-sexual," to see whether you relate to those?

 

I had thought most about gray as it seemed closest to what I felt like. Demisexual just didn't quite sit specifically because it seemed like that focused on once a deeper connection was made,and I honestly don't find I've had any real deep connections beyond one person almost 30 years ago now.

 

Gray does feel more and more the appropriate term. There's such a wide spectrum that the more I read about others experiences, the more confusing it seems. I think i just needed to pull back and focus on what it meant to me personally to finally place myself.

[LeChat]

33 minutes ago, BuckRogers said:

...There's such a wide spectrum that the more I read about others experiences, the more confusing it seems. I think i just needed to pull back and focus on what it meant to me personally to finally place myself.

That's understandable and perfectly okay to feel confused; others have felt like that, too, when they're new or trying to read and take in everything all at once.

[BuckRogers]

25 minutes ago, Salmakia said:

I fully applaud your consciousness of your own privilege, and I think that as long as you don't go around comparing your struggles to those of your friends (honestly, no one should feel entitled to do that) you should feel free to be who you are, and to tell them so if that is something you want to do. While it is true that being ace doesn't reduce the privilege of being a white male, it is also true that being a white male doesn't disqualify you from being ace. A good friend, especially one who has explored their own identity as most LGBTQIPA+ individuals are wont to do, will accept the fact that you are still the same person you always were, but with a new word to help more accurately communicate some aspects of your feelings. 

I've come to realize that in the grand scheme of things, my struggles are probably always going to be secondary to others. I've known many people who always seem to want to one up you if you talked about problems in your life. It's not a competition. I would never minimize others or think to compare our struggles, only try to understand and be an ear to listen.

 

I'm also not really worried about telling people, as I generally just won't. It's been a more inner struggle that I was finally coming to terms with. It's awesome that you have good friends to talk with.

[BuckRogers]

6 minutes ago, LeChat said:

That's understandable and perfectly okay to feel confused; others have felt like that, too, when they're new or trying to read and take in everything all at once.

I'm glad I came across this forum. It's already been super helpful.

[Salmakia]

3 hours ago, BuckRogers said:

I've come to realize that in the grand scheme of things, my struggles are probably always going to be secondary to others.

I mean, yes and no. It is certainly true that people are being persecuted and killed for their race, sexuality, and religion and if you do not experience this daily persecution then you have a great degree of privilege. In addition, as a human being who finds himself outside society's "norm" you do experience suffering, and you are on the losing side of a system of oppression. Neither one cancels out the other, and as a white male you can actively work to be anti-racist and the help end the oppression that you perpetuate while simultaneously feeling the burden of oppression because you identify as asexual, an orientation which experiences next to no visibility and representation. 

[BuckRogers]

37 minutes ago, Salmakia said:

I mean, yes and no. It is certainly true that people are being persecuted and killed for their race, sexuality, and religion and if you do not experience this daily persecution then you have a great degree of privilege. In addition, as a human being who finds himself outside society's "norm" you do experience suffering, and you are on the losing side of a system of oppression. Neither one cancels out the other, and as a white male you can actively work to be anti-racist and the help end the oppression that you perpetuate while simultaneously feeling the burden of oppression because you identify as asexual, an orientation which experiences next to no visibility and representation. 

I have certainly been doing all I can to be antiracist and really any anti thing to better the world, but I've never actually felt oppressed. I've never even really felt out of place in a way that bothered me. I've definitely felt different from just about everybody around me, but I've never been upset by it or felt troubled by it.

 

I think this is a big combination of things that have happened in my life that are both good and bad, and I've certainly had some rather bad moments at times, but I've always just found my way through alone and not been too hurt by it.

 

I think by also not really realizing anything about aro or ace until this time in my life has probably kept me from other people's ignorance. I'm sure I could think of friends I've had before who wouldnt understand or even been offensive, so I've been able to avoid those problems without even realizing.

 

I've been fighting along with others and will continue to do so so that hopefully the future will be one where everybody can be themselves without fear and the world may finally be a place of equality for all.

[Gamma/kimera]

For me the part that sort of haunted before I finally was able to admit it to myself was the balance of my life experience.  I would think more about your past if i was in your shoes.  Like for me, I have always wanted close female connection...craved it at some points of my life.   But I had zero interest in sex.  I had romantic attractions and aesthetic attractions but didn't realize you could have one without the other or 2/3 etc, so I grew up most of my life thinking I was sexually attracted when I wasn't.  There is a large difference between looking at someone and saying "I would like to sleep with you someday" or "if you took off your clothes right now we would go at it" and saying "I could imagine sleeping with you like this for x reason." One is attraction, the other is a duty and basic level non sexual in intent. One is what people who are not asexual feel like, the other is closer to asexual who isn't opposed to sex. For me sex was and is (to a lesser extent as I have gotten older--nowadays in less favorable to the idea of sex ) a bit like sky diving or playing guitar in a concert.   Something really cool in idea, kind of cool to play around without, but nothing I really ever wanted or desired.  That has been the same for me at 30 as I was at 14 once I really became a teenager.  I just didn't have the language for it until I became a adult.

 

Can you find some consistency in your experience whatever that may be?  I would start there given what you have (I presume) been reading here and elseware.

[BuckRogers]

10 minutes ago, Gamma/kimera said:

Can you find some consistency in your experience whatever that may be?  I would start there given what you have (I presume) been reading here and elseware.

As a teen I was pretty sexual, but by the time I was 20 it started to matter a lot less. I can relate to that skydiving idea. Sounds cool but I'm not super interested to do it.

 

It was looking back at my history that led me to wondering about being asexual actually, because I started to see that my responses were not what was considered typical. I'm still exploring now but starting to think that it may fit me better and better the more I look.

[Gamma/kimera]

15 minutes ago, BuckRogers said:

As a teen I was pretty sexual, but by the time I was 20 it started to matter a lot less. I can relate to that skydiving idea. Sounds cool but I'm not super interested to do it.

 

It was looking back at my history that led me to wondering about being asexual actually, because I started to see that my responses were not what was considered typical. I'm still exploring now but starting to think that it may fit me better and better the more I look.

Well for the lack of a better way of putting it "purpose" kind of actually matters here.  You can both have sex and be asexual...the difference between that and "normal" people is the reason behind it.   Me I just never really ever thought of more then just something people do...I never really actually had a urge to do it.  I always thought that would come later. Contrast that to someone who is having sex to fill a need that isn't romantic or of any other sort.

 

[Charna]

On 7/18/2020 at 1:24 AM, BuckRogers said:

I keep searching for a label basically for myself because it's something that I can't get off my mind. It's like I need to find a label so I can stop thinking about it, but the more I search, the more confused I get.

 

Would it be unreasonable to call myself aroace at this point? I'd hate to be seen as fake, which is why I continue to search.

 

If you made it here, thanks. Any advice, questions, or suggestions would be great.

I don't think anyone can ultimately choose the label for you, but two points that stand out for me:

1) there is a difference between the desire to masturbate and the desire for partnered sex. You'll find aces in these forums (and in real life) who enjoy masturbation, but - and that's a big but - this won't tell you anything about whether they'd desire to have sex with another person or would indeed enjoy sex with another person. Even if they have fantasies about other people. Plenty of fantasies remain enjoayble only in the realm of our imagination, and can turn unpleasant in reality.

2) aromantic refers to my extend of understanding to whom you feel attracted to romantically (whom you could fall in love with, even without the underlying sexual desire), and not to being a "romantic type of person".

 

Whether a label matters? It did for me (I consider myself aroace). I thought of myself for a very long time heterosexual with low libido, but looking back it was like walking through life in shoes that don't quite fit. You can still walk, but it bruises your feet and it hurts, and it can be so tiring. And it might sound cheesy, but being able to say I'm asexual after all this time was like taking those shoes off and going on barefoot. Not always easy, but it does feel freeing.

 

PS. And yep, a relationship without physical contact does sound great. Welcome to the other side.

 

[BuckRogers]

On 7/25/2020 at 1:03 PM, Charna said:

2) aromantic refers to my extend of understanding to whom you feel attracted to romantically (whom you could fall in love with, even without the underlying sexual desire), and not to being a "romantic type of person".

I had looked at aromantic as both who you feel attracted to romantically being paired with being a romantic type person. So for me, the actions of a romantic person would involve cuddling, kissing, hand holding, the dating, being entwined with the romantic feelings of love like the butterflies and missing the person when they're away.

 

I love my children. I love my family. I love my friends. All of these loves are unique, and none of them are romantic. I don't desire any of the romantic gestures some would share with a partner. I also don't desire those romantic gestures with my partners, and have never found myself in love except for once as a teenager.

 

That was something I struggled to understand for a very long time. I've been married, and I'm in a relationship now, but I've not been in love in that romantic way again. It's always been that friend type love.

 

I think another problem that I've struggled with is that I have no problem, or at least very little problems, giving my partners the attention, either romantically or sexually, that they want. It's probably not as often as they would like, but it's like I can see when it's going too long so I will indulge their desires is how I'll put it, so they're happy.

 

I thought, how could I possibly be ace or aro if I can take part in the activities that the definitions of ace or aro seem against, but while I also completely agree with the fact that I'd be happier without those activities. I constantly feel like I agree with the definitions, but then act against them, but not for my satisfaction and really only to please my partners.

 

Finding this forum and discussing with a friend of mine who is also exploring asexuality is definitely helping me come to understand myself better, so I'll continue searching and I'm sure I'll find the definition I feel comfortable with.

[MrDane]

Why do you need the label? Just say “look, i am just not really interested in sex and could go the rest of my life without!”

[BuckRogers]

On 9/6/2020 at 3:04 PM, MrDane said:

Why do you need the label? Just say “look, i am just not really interested in sex and could go the rest of my life without!”

For me, it's just something that would make things make more sense and feel right I guess. I can't fully explain it but it's just something inside my mind that would settle things for me. It may not matter to others though, and that's all good.

[Undarl]

On 9/10/2020 at 3:59 PM, BuckRogers said:

For me, it's just something that would make things make more sense and feel right I guess. I can't fully explain it but it's just something inside my mind that would settle things for me. It may not matter to others though, and that's all good.

arrives late to the party

I think I'm with you on this. Being able to apply a name and some structure to what I'm feeling is allowing me to frame those feelings better to myself and giving me a bit more confidence in handling or discussing them in future.

[Hayes]

On 7/17/2020 at 6:24 PM, BuckRogers said:

First time I've posted here but I've been searching around quite a lot for info. Here goes the long explanation.

 

I'm a generally straight man in his early 40s. I've been in relationships pretty much my entire life starting at 16. I'm attracted to women, enjoy masturbating and sex, but could ultimately go without sex for the rest of my life. At this point in my about 10 year relationship, sex only comes about every 3 or 4 months and I've no problem with that.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm aro, as I'm not really fond of any sort of hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, romantic gestures, candlelight dinners, dates, basically anything I can imagine as being considered romantic. It has frequently been a problem in relationships and I generally perform these actions to satisfy my girlfriends. I have been in love once before but never again after that.

 

I don't get jealous and don't even miss my girlfriend if she happens to go away somewhere for longer periods of time. Actually, I'm happiest alone. Really, I'd be happiest to find someone who shared my interests so we could just be hanging out all the time without any sort of physical contact.

 

The thing is, I'd like to be able to have sex sometimes. I could be happy just masturbating, and I find the best turn on is simply the sound of a woman being pleasured, no visual even needed. This is why I have trouble coming to the ace label. It seems very strictly to be no sexual attraction at all where I do find myself sexually attracted to women, but not really concerned with whether I can have sex with them or not. I'd rather avoid the "hassles" of relationships and stick to masturbating.

 

I keep searching for a label basically for myself because it's something that I can't get off my mind. It's like I need to find a label so I can stop thinking about it, but the more I search, the more confused I get.

 

Would it be unreasonable to call myself aroace at this point? I'd hate to be seen as fake, which is why I continue to search.

 

If you made it here, thanks. Any advice, questions, or suggestions would be great.

Omg I feel like you just wrote exactly how I think and act. I’m same as you but female. I thank you for posting this. I truly feel like I’m not alone now. 

[will123]

I found out about asexuality back in 2005 when I was 44. I'm 60 now and realizing that I'm aro is only a recent development since I joined AVEN in 2017.