Realised after 7 years marriage that I am asexual- advice!

[jmbert]

Very new to posting on forums but especially new to the discovery of my asexuality.

 

I have always felt that there was something wrong with because of my complete disinterest in sex. I had boyfriends through high school and broke up when things felt like they were going further than kissing. My first time was at 18 when my boyfriend said let's try it so I said ok... and that was it, it felt like no big deal and something I didn't feel the need to do again. I wish I had heard about asexuality then!

I am a 35F and have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 7. In the beginning I pretty much tried anything he asked, thinking that I'd like it or figure what I liked eventually. Then we got married and had to go through IVF, it was easier getting into when procreation was the aim. After the baby and a whole lot of major life changes including a second baby in a different country, my husband starting really getting into to me about my lack of sex drive and lack of enthusiasm (at this point I actually had PPD and was away from all family and support). 2 years later and all arguments revolve around sex- I'm robotic, un-intuituve, going through the motions, I make no effort etc. In actuality I was trying really hard, even when he said I say no too much, I tried not to and even started keeping a journal of who initiated and what 'activity' took place.

I finally almost came out to him last week after he tried to get me to make up a fantasy about a guy I work with. I never said the word asexual, just that I am on a spectrum and that this pressure he puts on me to be something I fundamentally am not is too much and I can't keep doing it. He said that if I say that we will no longer have sex then I'm ending our relationship. But what I was trying to say is we need to reset our expectations, and the real question I was asking; is what I can give you enough?

Now he says that I am arrogant and that he has to make all change and sacrifice. I told him I have changed a lot for him and I cannot do it anymore, that I am being selfish and choosing my own happiness.

Cut to this morning and I in trouble because I didn't initiate anything when we woke up, and then nothing when we were going to bed, AND this was after I asked him (which I know is again a lot to ask someone) to just ask me or tell me when he's in the mood. Should I have made the effort after he told me that he wants and needs sex but he's not going to ask for it?

I feel like we have a lot of issues and this one is the biggest. I know compromise is a huge part of a mixed relationship but I'm finding it tough because I feel like I've been compromising for the last 13 years.

Oh and I would like to know some objective thoughts about my behaviour (from whatever can be gaged from this). I am in a fog and obviously in midst of this chaos so its hard to see or think clearly.

Thanks!

 

tld:dr finally figured out I'm asexual, is this the end of my marriage?

[Guest]

Sounds like a nightmare...

 

52 minutes ago, jmbert said:

I am in a fog and obviously in midst of this chaos so its hard to see or think clearly.

Sounds like cognitive dissonance... the feeling of your reality being lost.

 

Did the questions about how you're feeling? Ever happen, or was it just, you don't do X/Y/Z? Followed by you are <names>?

 

57 minutes ago, jmbert said:

Now he says that I am arrogant and that he has to make all change and sacrifice

Projection of what he's doing himself...

 

Asking your partner to mind read please you... is toxic as bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Making assumptions about your partner, about what's going on inside them, is another toxic as blaaaaaaahhhh 

 

1 hour ago, jmbert said:

I tried not to and even started keeping a journal of who initiated and what 'activity' took place.

When you feel the need to start documenting what is happening between you, so that you can fall back on your logs, to regain a sense of your reality again... IMHO, the relationship is dead then...

 

 

1 hour ago, jmbert said:

He said that if I say that we will no longer have sex then I'm ending our relationship.

 

Ultimatums, are the killing blow to a relationship. Comes very close to a "If you loved me, you would..."

 

 

All said though...

 

I think both parties here, are just compromising what they can, but never reaching each other... You know like two people trying to reach out a hand to each other, but there's still a 1 meter gap between em? To put it figuratively....

 

 

Advice? There's kids involved... THEY are a victim too. Perpetuating a unhealthy relationship, sets them up later in life for ones too... And yes a divorce is also damaging... sigh...

 

I honestly don't know what's right, it's one side to the story, but I feel your struggles... Your desperation of what to make out of things...

 

*hug*

[designerfox]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. If I'm understanding correctly, it sounds like you haven't come right out told him you're asexual. From your wording, it also sounds like he could react very poorly to the news. It is possible for you two to see an asexual-friendly therapist to help you navigate this on neutral ground? He may need to be eased into it, have some help understanding that you being asexual doesn't mean you won't ever have sex with him.

 

It is a bit concerning that you mentioned you were "in trouble" for not initiating sex, and that he says he wants and needs sex, but will not ask for it. My five year old knows she needs to use her words to ask for something when she wants it, for crying out loud. Though now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps what he's looking for is to feel wanted by you, but doesn't know how to say that? Maybe the best option would be to flat out ask him what he wants from you, have the frank discussion that was previously suggested. Help him feel heard so he might be more open to hearing you, too.

 

My husband had a difficult time with the idea of me being asexual, knowing that I was not attracted to him. He also can't get into sex if he knows I'm not into it. He's told me he needs to have sex with me like he needs to eat. I will never understand these needs, but if he wants them met, he knows he has to work with me. We keep an open communication about it, try new things together to figure out what we might like. We do everything we can to make sex enjoyable for the both of us. Sex isn't something one person does to another, you do it together.

 

Good luck with this. I truly hope it works out well for you and your family.

[anisotrophic]

I don't think you need to identify asexual for this level of pressure & expectations to be unreasonable. There are many sexual people that would not respond favorably to this.

 

Which is to say, have you read much about "responsive desire"? For many people, especially women, "spontaneous" desire to initiate sexual intimacy just isn't present and isn't how they experience sexuality. Some people just don't have fantasies – and few sexual women are going to be excited about a fantasy about some random guy they work with. (Wow!)

 

Whatever your orientation is, he sounds like he expects your sexuality to conform to his – a stereotypically male pattern (he married a woman? what'd he expect? another dude?). Or to some porn-based fantasy. Sexual or not, it isn't something you can change about yourself.

 

There's situations where partners choose have sex – when they aren't personally very interested – because they want the other partner to feel happy & loved & special & cetera. But this doesn't sound like a loving "compromise" you've been trying to make, it sounds like a coerced one with a vaguely hostile partner.

[jmbert]

I cannot believe how amazing and supportive you all are.

 

I do believe that I am dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies and don't really know myself truly at the moment. 

I don't have the words right now to respond to everyone as this is very emotional but I will endeavour because I can see the amazing points and perspectives you all have and you have no idea what that means to me.

[AceMissBehaving]

Expecting you to read his mind and initiate sex every time would be a tall ask for someone super sexual, and trying to force you to imagine some kind of fantasy with a work colleague is really unhealthy too. 
 

Also you’re right, you have been compromising. You have been shifting your need to meet his as much as you can. Compromise is hard even under the best of circumstances, the fact he’s putting this all on you, and trying to manipulate you with guilt is super unhealthy. 
 

I am so very sorry you’re going through this right now.

[anisotrophic]

56 minutes ago, jmbert said:

I do believe that I am dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies and don't really know myself truly at the moment.

The marriage might be over, depending on him, but not for the reasons he claims...

 

I’ve been helped a lot by the book Conscious Loving (My partner and I both, actually). It’s not about sex, it’s about the whole relationship — how a healthy relationship should look, and owning our own roles in enabling unhealthy patterns. (It takes two to make a relationship healthy; but recognizing you want & deserve a good relationship is the first step — where it goes from there depends on him.)
 

I’m sexual & I don’t have much sympathy for him as you’ve described here. My spouse, cis male, would never initiate and has no fantasies. He’s identified as ace for a couple years but I’ve come to interpret it as — well — responsive-ish, very passive, far less interested, but he likes that it makes me happy. (Before this, he identified as bi; no preference.) I certainly wouldn’t pressure him into it & I make it clear that no sex is ok — and I try to pay lots of attention to things that make it good for him & express gratitude. Suck it up dude, a partner isn’t obligated to like sex the way you do, a partner should feel safe & loved & accepted for who they are.

[jmbert]

11 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I don't think you need to identify asexual for this level of pressure & expectations to be unreasonable. There are many sexual people that would not respond favorably to this.

 

Which is to say, have you read much about "responsive desire"? For many people, especially women, "spontaneous" desire to initiate sexual intimacy just isn't present and isn't how they experience sexuality. Some people just don't have fantasies – and few sexual women are going to be excited about a fantasy about some random guy they work with. (Wow!)

 

Whatever your orientation is, he sounds like he expects your sexuality to conform to his – a stereotypically male pattern (he married a woman? what'd he expect? another dude?). Or to some porn-based fantasy. Sexual or not, it isn't something you can change about yourself.

 

This resonated so much to me- asexual or not my biggest issue is I can't be intimate with someone who I don't fully trust anymore and who I don't believe respects me.

[Cayllin]

I just want to say: I feel you. I don't really have advice, and I clicked on here to read advice, because your situation is pretty similar to mine. Though, I don't have kids. 

 

So background: I discovered I was ace maybe two years ago? I was reading up on why I wasn't into sex, why it made me feel "wrong" and I discovered asexuality. As I read more about it, a little lightbulb went off and I realized I was ace. But I was already married. I always had sex in relationships because that's what I thought was expected of me. For me, sex is something I am completely not interested in. I think, in the beginning of relationships, it's ok, but as time goes on, I pull away more and more. Recently, I realized sex, for me, is a trigger in my depression. I really get a sense of "wrongness" when I have sex, and I cry, get upset, feel gross...Sex has always been my partners activity, and not mine. I've never been much of a participant, and my husband thought I enjoyed it. I tried to, for him, but I never could. Anyway, I responded to a question on an Ace group a couple months ago, and he saw it. He was very upset. He refused to talk to me, ignored me, said he needed space, he needed to self-reflect. I understood. I mean, this is a big revelation and it's shocking and I know it hurt him. However, when he did get to a point where he asked questions, he barely asked anything. I tried to explain, as best I could, as I'm still discovering my label (I'm not even sure I want a label, TBH). HIs questions: Are you sure? Is it me? How long? Then, he told me there was something wrong with me and I need to see a doctor. 

 

Since then, it's like nothing ever happened, except that I've sensed a ton of resentment from him. Before, he was overly affectionate (I am not, I don't do well with affection, and I don't really know how to reciprocate), said I love you constantly, wouldn't really leave me alone. Now, I haven't heard him say I love you since. He comes home and greets the dog, and not me. I know our marriage is over, but I don't think he does. I think he just doesn't want to be alone, wants someone to go on vacations with, etc. But I can't live like this anymore. I'm very unhappy. I'm going through the struggle right now with how to approach him about divorce. He is incredibly difficult to talk to, and tends to get mad at me over the smallest things...I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him, which is one reason I had a hard time talking to him about my sexuality. I've been seeing a therapist and taking depression medication, and I haven't told him because I'm afraid of his reaction. 

 

So, I'm sorry I don't have advice. With kids, it must be extremely difficult. But what I see is that your husband doesn't respect you or want to try to compromise with you. I see that because it's similar to how my husband is treating me. And it's taken a few people to tell me that it's a form of abuse, what he's doing. It might not be obvious, but calling you names (arrogant), expecting you to read his mind, giving you an ultimatum, you get "in trouble"....that's not healthy. Could you try seeing a marriage counselor? If you're not ready to leave your marriage, and the fact that kids are involved, I feel like this might be a good step. 

 

You're not alone *HUGS*

[anisotrophic]

@Cayllin it sounds like he's concluded you don't feel love for him? And maybe that's correct?

There might be healthier ways to discuss that with each other.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

@Cayllin it sounds like he's concluded you don't feel love for him? And maybe that's correct?

There might be healthier ways to discuss that with each other.

It is a bit ... unsafe to respond to someone who says they fear their spouse, he always gets angry and friends say he is abusive with "maybe you just don't love him and he knows it, find a healthier way to discuss it"... 

 

@Cayllin - I don't know what anger issues exist besides the sexual incompatibility, but if you are afraid of him and he has basically cast you off since discovering your post then my suggestion would be see if you can meet in a publicish area (like a walk in the parkl and suggest divorce. Less likely to have an angry outburst if people are around. It sounds like there are a lot more issues than just your sexualities in the relationship and if you want it to be over, then let him know. Just take care of yourself, if you do feel he is abusive in anyway. 

[anisotrophic]

I guess it depends on what "abusive" means here – that was not explained. I saw stuff about withdrawal, not violence or threats, but maybe that was simply implied.

Maybe he's earned the lack of communication (finding out via forum post?), in which case – yes, of course, if he's dangerous, controlling, threatening – safety is the priority, healthy communication isn't possible as long as those things are true.

If there's a fear of dealing with his emotional reactions in general (nb disliking affection), well, people are allowed to feel hurt and anger and resentment. And they're allowed to withdraw. Simply feeling and expressing emotions isn't abusive, provided they're expressed in non-abusive ways.

[MrDane]

No, this is just the end of your marriage as it used to be. If you are asexual, but okay with participating in sex under certain circumstances, then that should be the ground on which to build a mutually agreed-upon solution that could offer happiness for both. (Not a compromise!) 

You are always entitled to refuse sex, but understand that for a sexual person, sex is an important thing to share. 
 

my own experience is that it has helped both my wife and me, to have scheduled sex and to agree that most of the time, it is her giving me a nice massage/aid with my masturbation. Occasionally she likes to receive or play along. Mostly it is “quickies”. I dont expect her to show wild enthusiasm, but to be happy to make me happy and even enjoy the moment.

[Cayllin]

On 7/24/2020 at 2:47 PM, anisotrophic said:

I guess it depends on what "abusive" means here – that was not explained. I saw stuff about withdrawal, not violence or threats, but maybe that was simply implied.
 

 

On 7/24/2020 at 1:04 PM, Serran said:

 I don't know what anger issues exist besides the sexual incompatibility, but if you are afraid of him and he has basically cast you off since discovering your post then my suggestion would be see if you can meet in a publicish area (like a walk in the parkl and suggest divorce. Less likely to have an angry outburst if people are around. It sounds like there are a lot more issues than just your sexualities in the relationship and if you want it to be over, then let him know. Just take care of yourself, if you do feel he is abusive in anyway. 

He is not physically abusive, no. I'd say he's emotionally abusive. It's taken me time to figure that out. We've been married for four years, and over time it's gotten worse. Yes, he is very much entitled to his feelings. I never disputed that. It hurts that he refuses to acknowledge my sexuality. I've made compromises for him. He's always known that I wasn't as sexually active as him, I have never initiated it, and I've never been an affectionate person. I think he thought he could change that. So, yes, finding out I was ace was a blow to him, and I felt terrible and I tried to explain that it wasn't him at all. He made me feel like my sexuality wasn't valid. He literally told me I needed to see someone because there is something wrong with me. I tried to talk about it to him, but he closed off. Since then, it's as if nothing has ever happened, except that he doesn't say I love you anymore. He is still overly affectionate. He still expects sex when he wants it.  The thing for me is, sex triggers depressive feelings in me. Self-loathing, hate, horrible thoughts, I literally break down into tears sometimes (I go to a different room because I don't want him to see that)...I have never really been a participant in sex. Nothing has changed with that dynamic since we started dating. 

 

As for the abusive part: I'm called names. He literally never helps with any sort of cleaning, dishes, keeps piles of clothes and junk spread all over the place and I've talked to him about containing or trying to be a little neater because it causes me anxiety, and he tells me I'm a nag. I hate conflict and I very rarely ask him to do anything more than once, so calling me a nag is extreme. It isn't just joking when he calls me a nag. He means it. He yells at me and slams doors/objects down. Any time I try to talk to him about anything important, he shuts me down and ignores me and refuses to talk about it. He blames me for stupid things that I had nothing to do with. He's condescending. I love tattoos and books, and he truly got angry and refused to talk to me after I got my last tattoo (which he knew I was getting), and for books...he questions if I spend money on books (I use my own money and don't really spend all that much now that I use kindle unlimited). He refuses to acknowledge that I extremely dislike slaps on the butt and pinches (he likes to pinch my butt and my nipples). I really, really hate it and I've said so every single time. I say "NO" all the time when he does these things...but no means nothing to him. He tells me I'm exaggerating, that I really like it, that love hurts, that he's my husband and he's allowed to. These are just some of the examples....maybe on the outside it all seems trivial and ridiculous to get upset about. But I've been living with this for four years and I feel totally trapped and suffocated. Yes, I need to divorce him. I want to. But I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm unable to do so. My therapist is helping me work through these things. At some point, I'm hoping either I can have an adult conversation with my husband, and he'll actually sit and listen, and we can work it out, or I can find the courage to leave him. 

 

@jmbert I'm really sorry for hijacking your post. I hope you were able to get some good advice and I really hope things work out for you  *hugs*

[Guest]

 

 

 

27 minutes ago, Cayllin said:

 

 

 

He refuses to acknowledge that I extremely dislike slaps on the butt and pinches (he likes to pinch my butt and my nipples). I really, really hate it and I've said so every single time. I say "NO" all the time when he does these things...but no means nothing to him. He tells me I'm exaggerating, that I really like it, that love hurts, that he's my husband and he's allowed to.

That bit alone means get out. It isnt trivial. If you said NO to sexual contact, there is no "im your husband, I am allowed". No means no means no. And telling you that you like something you have said you don't, especially those things, is not OK. On any level. 

 

 

Does he respect your consent at all in the bedroom, or does he not accept no there either?

[anisotrophic]

5 hours ago, Cayllin said:

He literally never helps with any sort of cleaning, dishes, keeps piles of clothes and junk spread all over the place and I've talked to him about containing or trying to be a little neater because it causes me anxiety, and he tells me I'm a nag. I hate conflict and I very rarely ask him to do anything more than once, so calling me a nag is extreme. It isn't just joking when he calls me a nag. He means it.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with that either — nor feel loved, or love a person that did that — not even including all the other stuff with condescension, etc. (Domestic labor has been a sore point, because I was promised egalitarian & didn’t get it.) And of course the sexual “entitlement” and ignoring boundaries is totally unacceptable.

 

Really, there’s tons of sexual women that would not want to have sex with someone that behaves towards them so disrespectfully. I’m puzzled how many exist that would be attracted.

 

It depends on whether you’re afraid of him, or just of the other costs in “starting over”, but ... it can be helpful to recognize your own role in allowing yourself to be treated poorly — not that this absolves another of their responsibility, it doesn’t mean that in the slightest — but yes, this marriage sounds pretty over and it’s your responsibility to stand up for yourself. 😕

 

I suppose you could offer some cookie like “you’re welcome to date and have sex with others while we discuss separating”.

[Knight8]

On 7/24/2020 at 11:04 AM, Serran said:

 I don't know what anger issues exist besides the sexual incompatibility, but if you are afraid of him and he has basically cast you off since discovering your post then my suggestion would be see if you can meet in a publicish area (like a walk in the parkl and suggest divorce. Less likely to have an angry outburst if people are around. It sounds like there are a lot more issues than just your sexualities in the relationship and if you want it to be over, then let him know. Just take care of yourself, if you do feel he is abusive in anyway. 

This seems to me like a good idea, to bring up the topic of divorce in a place where other people will be around, just in case he has a bad reaction. If you think it would be better to divorce him without having a discussion first because that way you don't risk the chance of getting hurt by his reaction, then maybe talk to a therapist or bring it up with a friend so you have someone else to help you figure out what action you want to take. It's your relationship, so however you want to go about things is a-OK. The only thing I would say for sure is to not do nothing if possible. Time has an effect on all relationships, the longer a bad relationship goes on, the harder it can become to get out of it. No matter what you do, remember you aren't alone, you can always ask friends/family/therapist for help (and of course us here on AVEN,) and remember that even if you aren't ready to take a big step (bringing up divorce with your husband or leaving him without a discussion,) you can always start with small steps like trying to find a good mediator, or maybe just talking about your feelings and/or going over options with a friend/family member/therapist.

 

I wish you all the courage & love in the world to get through these tough times (I'd offer a virtual hug but I'm not much of a huger 😊)