Am I transgender?

[Guest]

This is going to be lengthy.

Ever since puberty happened I've never been able to be comfortable with my body, for reference I am a 15 year old biological female. This has been going on for about five years and it has been very consistent. I am extremely uncomfortable with the parts of me that make me look female. I have terrible posture and back pain from hunching over to hide my chest, and I often wear basketball shorts to hide my curves. Even before puberty happened I can recall telling my family that I didn't want to get boobs when I was older. I was scared of that happening to me and my view has not changed since. It really hasn't gotten any easier. Now I'm facing yet another identity crisis. Im not sure if this discomfort with being female originated from being transgender or if I unconsciously think that being a girl is bad somehow. When I was younger, I didnt think about my gender. I wasnt a feminine kid but I wasnt too masculine either. Only when the gap between the both came apparent did it start interfering with my everyday life. I dont like being seen as a girl and I dont like looking like one, because it feels like it's not at all who I am. When people refer to me as a she, it feels like they are talking to someone else. It's hard to explain. I feel like the girl everyone see's when they speak to me isnt really me, it feels almost as if I'm speaking through this girl if anything. When I look into the mirror, I see a girl staring back at me, but it's not me at all. I feel trapped inside of this female body, it has caused me to hate being female in the past. I've discovered I really like being called a he way more than I I being called a she. This disconnection between me and my assigned gender has been happening for about 2 years, while the discomfort with my physical body has happend for a long time. I deffinelty still need time to figure myself out before taking action, I dont completely know who I am. Its important to mention that I was brought into a psychiatric evaluation for unrelated reasons, and I ended up being diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi and Welcome.

Yes, you definitely seem to have gender dysphoria. That doesn't necessarily mean  that youre a trans man, there's more open as well that you can explore, like anything non-binary, but it's definitely a start, to know that youre uncomfortable with your birth gender. To identify differently than that makes you transgender by definition. I actually relate a lot to what you talked about, so I can't help but feel that you are trans too, and it's definitely worth it for you to see a gender therapist if you can, since it's already been affecting your life, and they can help you with at least some of that.

I thought a bit the same as you regarding my birth gender, as if it was 'inferior', but really I think those feelings built up because I projected so much of what's important to me, and being me, onto girls, making my masculinity seem like it sucked. After accepting myself more as a trans woman (and there's still more to be done on that), I feel less of that and can appreciate some masculine traits. Some things were hard to get past, but I do hope you know you dont need to hide your feminine traits and body parts, the others dont feel that shame that you do, and you probably only feel it because of how you feel about your body and gender. I hope you can feel more comfortable. You can also look into binders if that can help as well.

Everyone's different, and you're young to so there may be more to it and it's worth exploring as well as coming to know yourself over time and all that. I do think you're probably trans, but that's just my opinion, and I feel it'd benefit you to have a gender therapist, or at least a trans-friendly therapist or counselor.

It'll be ok. ❤️

[Hylethilei]

I feel the same way you do Dr. Killum, I felt like when I was prepubescent I felt like I was the most happy I could be, but when I hit puberty and it was late for me 17 and 1/2 that my body was poisoned by testosterone and it made me feel so uncomfortable with my body. I was so happy just being me and I knew that I should have been born a woman my entire life, so when i hit puberty it was the hardest thing i had to go threw in my entire life. I am 31 now and I am taking the right changes in my life to try to be myself. So my advice to you is to hold on to the feelings you have and go with your gut ❤️

[Guest]

Hello! Thanks for describing everything so clearly, it's really helpful in providing advice. I'm an adult trans man, and I experienced many of the same things you did. However, you're only 15, so make sure to explore things thoroughly- it's important to gravitate towards whatever label feels best, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to decide too fast. I point this out, not because I doubt you, but because I want to emphasise that it's okay to not know things right now. It's okay to explore things, and live as you are most comfortable in the moment. The future will arrive slowly, and you will have more answers as you proceed along on this journey.

 

1 hour ago, Dr. Killum said:

Its important to mention that I was brought into a psychiatric evaluation for unrelated reasons, and I ended up being diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

This, and your other comments, do point to a transgender experience. However, it is important to note that many women (butch lesbians especially) feel similarly to you during childhood. Many women who identify as gender non-conforming in adulthood preferred to be tomboys in their youth, and naturally gravitated towards masculine clothing and hobbies. Additionally, the desire to hide or flatten your body could indicate a number of psychological distresses. You mentioned that you were evaluated for other reasons than gender; whatever those reasons were, and especially if those reasons involved any kind of abuse, you may be experiencing the desire to conceal your body out of trauma.

 

I say all this, not to convince you that you're not transgender, rather, just to show that there are a lot of complex factors that impact human behaviour and preferences. I would suggest that you seek continued therapy and support, especially at your young age. Regardless of whether you are transgender or not, it's a lot for a kid to handle and work through. I worked through this as an adult, and even I was overwhelmed! So I want you to be as supported throughout this journey as you possibly can be.

 

1 hour ago, Dr. Killum said:

I've discovered I really like being called a he way more than I I being called a she.

This is a really strong indicator that you are drawn to being a boy, and having your gender affirmed through language! This is an example of gender euphoria.

 

1 hour ago, Dr. Killum said:

I have terrible posture and back pain from hunching over to hide my chest, and I often wear basketball shorts to hide my curves.

Please try not to do this, from now on. I know how hard it is, trust me. But your posture and your health are hugely important. I know how bad gender dysphoria is, I have been through that myself, but hurting your body will only be detrimental to you and your future transition (if you do choose to transition).

 

If you can get a binder, I would suggest gc2b, a trans-owned binding company which provides the safest binders on the market. If your parents are open-minded, I would suggest being open and honest with them, and saying you would like them to buy you a binder, so that you can try it out.

https://www.gc2b.co/

It is very important that you buy an appropriately-sized binder. Buying one that is too small will not help. It will just hurt you. You should start out binding for short periods of time, and slowly work your way up to longer hours, as you become accustomed to binding, and come to know your body better. Never, ever bind with bandages. Doing so unsafely compresses your ribcage, and can cause permanent damage. The same risks apply if you use cheap binders, especially binders sourced through Amazon, or clasp binders sourced from China.

 

1 hour ago, Dr. Killum said:

When I was younger, I didnt think about my gender. I wasnt a feminine kid but I wasnt too masculine either. Only when the gap between the both came apparent did it start interfering with my everyday life.

This happened to me, as well. I didn't think about gender when I was a younger child. I knew my mother was female, I knew my father was male, but I didn't see myself as fitting into either category. As I proceeded through my puberty, I was told that I was female, so I just did what I was expected to do. I didn't actively question whether I could be anything else until around age 18, though I noticeably experienced dysphoria from age 15.

 

I have some videos which may help you figure out what experiences you empathise with!