Gender fluid??? Or just over reacting???

[ConfusedTeen.]

Hello person who’s reading this,

 

I was born a female and lately I’ve been questioning my gender a lot so here I am, going to the internet for answers.
 

Anyways, it started a couple of months ago when I started thinking to myself that sometimes I’d want to wear a binder, speak deeper, be referred to as something other than my birth name and be called a guy. At the time I didn’t really think much of it and I was just like ‘well that probably means nothing’... now I’m thinking it probably actually means something.

 

I had heard of the term non-binary and knew what it meant but I didn’t really associate with it and I still don’t most of the time. I was really confused (still am to be honest) because I was thinking ‘some of the time I want to wear a binder, be called he/him etc. but Sometimes I also want be be called she/her, wear make up ect. And there are also sometimes I don’t really feel like anything at all.’ Then I researched and found the term gender fluid and I think I might be that. 
 

I read what being gender fluid is like and I realised that I basically feel like that and I showed signs of that when I was little (e.g. I had really short hair and wore what is considered to be ‘boy clothes’ and when people referred  to me as he or said ‘your sons so handsome’ ect to my mum I wouldn’t care and I’d just go along with it and I think I kind liked it a lot of the time. But then also there was the occasional day when I’d wear a pink dress or something and put jewellery on.) I’ve also always hated my name, I just do but I’m not sure if this means anything 😅?

 

ive done a couple of quizzes and watched a lot of videos but I’ve always been one to overthink. Most of the quizzes said bi-gender or gender fluid but there was one who said trans and also one that said cis so I’m pretty confused... a lot confused actually. There was one video I watched where this a girl said that through out her teenage years she acted like she was a dude and then when she got a boy friend she started to be more feminine and felt like a girl. She then realised after breaking up with him that she basically only acted like a guy for attention and because she had really low self esteem (I’m not hating on her By the way I’m just summing up what she said in the video). This got me worried cause my brain immediately went ‘what if I’m just someone with such low self esteem that to get attention I’m subconsciously making myself think that I’m something I’m not’. I know that probably sounds dumb but that’s just how I (over)think 😅. 
 

on the other hand Sometimes when I feel like I’m like I’m probably gender fluid my brain does this thing where it goes ‘maybe your just trans and your whole life you’ve just had it pushed on you that your a girl and your just too scared to admit to yourself that your not’. This probably makes no sense but Again, it’s just the way I think. I’ve always considered myself over weight and stuff so I have pretty low self esteem so this just ads to the whole ‘what if I’m just an attention seeker and don’t know it’ thing. 
 

here’s how it is basically: some days I feel totally uncomfortable with my body and it feels like my boobs and parts aren’t meant to be there or something (that probably doesn’t make sense)??? And I also don’t feel like a she and I want to be called a different name and press down my chest etc. those are the days where I’m like ‘I’m 99% sure I’m gender fluid or Maybe trans or something that’s not a cis female. then other days I feel pretty comfortable with my body and and make up etc. and I feel like a she and I’m cool with my name. The days I feel like a she are the days where suddenly I start to doubt myself like ‘I’m probably not gender fluid cause I feel like a she now’. Then occasionally I’m like ‘I’m not a she, I’m not a he, I just kind of.... exist??? And I just hate having genitalia in general.
 

It probably sounds weird but sometimes I just feel like ‘I just want no genitalia at all’ and it’s just like I’ve accidentally left all of my gender at home or I’ve lost it or something like that’s. It’s like ‘damn, I swear I left it on the kitchen counter but now it’s not there. Ugh I’ve lost my gender again, oh well 🤷‍♀️‘. 
 

Sorry, this text thing is really long, I know. it’s basically really super confusing and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and I just need like some advice or something. I’m also still living at home so I can’t really experiment with things like a binder at the moment even though I really want to. I’m basically just like ‘am I gender fluid? Am I trans and afraid to admit it to myself? Am I cis and just over reacting because of low self esteem or something??? I’m just really confused and have no idea what’s going on with me. 
 

Please feel free to leave a comment or your opinions or advice or even if you want to say something like ‘I relate’ that is really helpful and super encouraging 👍. Thank you for reading this, it means so much if you got through it and read it 😊 sorry also cause I know it was really long and probably confusing and it was basically me just ranting. 
 

anyways, thanks for reading! Have a good day/night (depending on time zones) 😊👍 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Hello! Thank you for laying out your thoughts so thoroughly! Full disclosure, I identify as a binary trans male, but I spent many years identifying as non-binary before settling into my true label. I also spent many years in a fog of gender confusion, so I can relate to your circumstances.

 

It takes time to figure out who you are, and what label fits you best. I have known many women who experience gender in a different way to many other women, however, this does not necessarily make them trans. I have met some women who have questioned their identity, sometimes binding their chests, however steadfastly identify as women. I have even heard of butch lesbians undergoing mastectomies to further androgynise their bodies, however, this does not mean they are men.

 

In the end, what label you "are" does not matter, except to provide comfort and community to you. In the end, you are who you are, and labels will change over the years. The most important thing is that you're not putting pressure on yourself to identify with a particular label. Try different labels out, see what feels good, and try out different pronouns/clothes/hairstyles/aesthetics.

 

46 minutes ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

Most of the quizzes said bi-gender or gender fluid but there was one who said trans and also one that said cis so I’m pretty confused

So, there is some clarifying that needs to happen here, if you are to understand what "transgender" is.

 

Transgender (shortened to trans): A term used to describe a person who does not identify with their assigned sex at birth. Transgender communities include both binary and non-binary people. The central experience of all transgender people is not identifying with the gender that they were pronounced to have when they were born. A transgender man is assigned female at birth. A non-binary person may be assigned female or male at birth.

 

So, bigender and genderfluid come under this transgender umbrella. A person who is not transgender is therefore cisgender.

 

Cisgender (shortened to cis): A term used to describe a person who does identify as their assigned sex at birth. A cisgender woman was assigned female at birth, and a cisgender man was assigned male at birth.

 

46 minutes ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

Am I trans and afraid to admit it to myself? Am I cis and just over reacting because of low self esteem or something??? I’m just really confused and have no idea what’s going on with me. 

Whether you turn out to be transgender or cisgender, this is not you overreacting. Exploring your gender and finding your place in the world is a natural part of life, and it is not bad or wrong to have thoughts about identity. It is okay to question who you are, and I would encourage you to just label yourself "questioning" for now, if you label yourself at all. If a label feels right, or feels safe, then try it out! But don't force yourself into anything. Sometimes, just saying "I'm questioning" can be a very powerful way of reclaiming your story. You can do things at your own pace. You do not have to decide who/what you are on any specific timeline.

 

46 minutes ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

I was just like ‘well that probably means nothing’... now I’m thinking it probably actually means something

Like I said above, whether you turn out to be trans or cis, this journey means something. It means you're willing to explore yourself, and you may have gender non-conforming impulses! You do not have to decide the trajectory of your life right now. Regardless of where you end up, the time you spend growing is worth it.

 

46 minutes ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

I’m also still living at home so I can’t really experiment with things like a binder at the moment even though I really want to.

There is a way to try out binding while you're still living at home! Firstly, get an appropriately-sized binder from gc2b. Secondly, have the binder delivered around Christmas, as you can just say it's part of a present, and nobody will open it. Thirdly, if you don't have the money for it, get a friend to buy you a digital gift card for your birthday (if you trust them enough to confide to them, but if you don't, you can always just say it's for cosplay or style).

 

https://www.gc2b.co/

 

I can give some more in-depth advice about binding, if you are interested! That aside--  I also have some videos here which may help you! I have included some videos featuring gender non-conforming women, as I think those perspectives are important to consider alongside transgender ones. Plus, check out the photography at the following link:

 

https://www.laurencephilomene.com/nonbinary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Unleash the Echidnas]

1 hour ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

I’m basically just like ‘am I gender fluid?

Hi, as you might be aware, AVEN is going to say this is something for you decide. What you've described is much like my own experience and genderqueer's a label that's been apt for me. You don't mention dysphoria specifically but it matches with your description, so that might be something to look into a bit more. I think genderfluidity is relevant here but would also suggest demigirl or demigender might be things to think about.

 

Without knowing which specific quizzes you've taken it's hard to know what the results might mean. If they're just random internet quizzes it's unlikely they're scientifically based, statistically sound instruments; a low quality quiz is likely to reach low quality conclusions. Ideally there'd be an equivalent of the big five personality model's IPIP-NEO or other open tests for gender but, if one's been developed, I'm not aware of it (and hoping someone will mention one).

 

The other thing I'm picking up on is you seem to feel some pressure to make a decision or adopt a label. Maybe it would be worth thinking about why that is? Regardless of how you call yourself you're still going to be you and feel the way you do. As @tony the trans man implied, there's plenty of time to explore.

 

1 hour ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

This got me worried cause my brain immediately went ‘what if I’m just someone with such low self esteem that to get attention I’m subconsciously making myself think that I’m something I’m not’.

I think it's good to ask such questions. Like a lot of things in life, how much you get out of questioning your gender is likely to correlate with how much effort you put into it. For example, one friend I have basically got labeled as trans despite being entirely cis just because she completely didn't want to do anything culture she grew up in considered feminine activities.

 

I also think it's important to listen to feelings of being uncomfortable with your body. There's a lot of nuances to what's not right, why it's not right, how much it's not right, how often you feel that way, and how consistently. These take time to explore. If my own experience is anything to go by, there's a good chance of realizing things work a bit differently than you thought as you get farther into it. For example, it took me a long time to work out the main reason I kept fussing over body weight is the hormones I got born with signal for fat to accumulate in a somewhat different distribution than where I think it ought to go.

 

1 hour ago, ConfusedTeen. said:

sometimes I just feel like ‘I just want no genitalia at all’ and it’s just like I’ve accidentally left all of my gender at home or I’ve lost it or something like that

I've long been enamored of the idea of modular body parts so I don't see this as weird. Unusual, sure. But like I don't really want to change anything permanently but if I could take things off and leave them on a shelf sometimes and then put them back on later when I'm feeling like it that would be great.

 

48 minutes ago, tony the trans man said:

So, bigender and genderfluid come under this transgender umbrella.

Yes, the distinction between transgender and transgender umbrella is an important one. It wasn't made where I grew up. So I thought I was cis because I definitely wasn't trans in the sense of ditch your birth gender and change to the other binary. Um, nope.