rejectedreject Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 I’m discovering that my wife of 10 years is asexual. Being rejected 1,000 different ways brought me here. Buy stocks in hand lotion and weep for me. Jokes aside, how might someone who gets turned on multiple times a day/hour handle themselves better if they end up finding themselves deeply invested in a relationship with an asexual partner? I currently feel like a fool. All these years trying to gently awaken her sex drive by casually talking about different things, the weight of rejection pushing dark thoughts through me, thinking I’m not good enough... I’m contemplating chemical castration and maybe a lobotomy... Does anyone have better advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Split and Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies Janus DarkFox Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TurnedTurtle Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Been there (well maybe not the thinking about becoming a eunuch part) -- it sucks, sorry. Not a lot of options: suck it up, compromise, open marriage, separate... One idea I have (and am working on, an ongoing project) is to become more familiar with the concept of love languages (e.g. Gary Chapman is a pioneering author in this area), and learn what your wife's primary love language is (maybe acts of service, for example), and thus how to recognize and accept the love that she shows for you, even if it is not expressed in your natural go-to love language (physical touch, I'm guessing...). Concomitantly, you will learn how to communicate your love for her in a way that she will naturally understand. If you (re)establish a deep love connection in her love language, maybe then she will be willing to explore the limits of what she is capable of doing in terms of expressing her love for you (and accepting your expressions of love for her) in your primary love language. This might not lead to sex, but perhaps at least some physical displays of affection...? It is going take time, and what will seem like unbalanced effort on your part. Only you can decide how much you love this woman and whether it is likely to ever ultimately be worthwhile. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
VNAS Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Man... Im with you. On exactly the same boat. Years ago, i really tought about taking something to end my sexual desire. Then , i realize it made no sense. Good luck to you. If you have no kids, i would consider divorce. If i had no kids, that would be what i would do. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 4:30 AM, TurnedTurtle said: This might not lead to sex, but perhaps at least some physical displays of affection...? How’s this going? It’s been almost 2 weeks now. No love language would produce the result you’re looking for in our case, but I am changing up my tone and content these days. He feels special and included which makes for an even more relaxed home. I was once where you are. Things do change if you select different paths. “Exhaust all avenues” first is a good approach in my book. Best of luck and please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 To the OP, you’ve had time to look around now and have hopefully found some insights. There are very few options: 1. Remain celibate 2. Come to an executable agreement both parties feel good about 3. Open the relationship 4. Divorce There are a number of sexuals here who have experience with the first three options and remain committed for whatever reason. Some are happy, others not. Every situation is different. My take is to make the best life you can considering all angles. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
TurnedTurtle Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 8 hours ago, Traveler40 said: How’s this going? It’s been almost 2 weeks now. 2 weeks? Hey, this is a life-time project! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
sababajwa Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 divorce her. you love her but you need sex, me and ex husband got divorced. (plus he was crazy), you're is nice but ........... it's not good pressure on both you and her. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 3:23 AM, rejectedreject said: I’m discovering that my wife of 10 years is asexual. Being rejected 1,000 different ways brought me here. Buy stocks in hand lotion and weep for me. Jokes aside, how might someone who gets turned on multiple times a day/hour handle themselves better if they end up finding themselves deeply invested in a relationship with an asexual partner? I currently feel like a fool. All these years trying to gently awaken her sex drive by casually talking about different things, the weight of rejection pushing dark thoughts through me, thinking I’m not good enough... I’m contemplating chemical castration and maybe a lobotomy... Does anyone have better advice? Yeah, i have been there as well. Tried to find that special way into her slumbering sexuality. Trying to nurse what little ember of hornyness that could hide inside her. Yup, that wasnt how she worked. No need for putting that fuel on her motor. It took 15+ years before we both realised what was going on. Now we have sex by schedule and agreed upon, that it is for my sake. She is okay and occasionally likes me to ‘do her’ but she never needs or desires it and could easily live without sex forever. I get sex. I miss being wanted and miss believing we could evolve our sex life mutually. Link to post Share on other sites
tessarion Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 For the record, speaking as a post-op trans woman--that is, someone who, in a manner of speaking, did get castrated--even that doesn't really help as much as you think it does. Just fyi. Link to post Share on other sites
oldgeeza Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Speaking from the opposite side as an asexual myself, I'm not in a relationship, luckily I'm not one of those who attracts others, but without that knowledge when I was younger, I knew I would never be able to satisfy a partner, I tried briefly and it failed miserably, nearly 30 years since my last relationship, I admit to missing the intimacy, but I couldn't put a partner through the feeling of being rejected Link to post Share on other sites
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