Identifying with your gender

[GingerRose]

What are three reasons you are the gender you identify with? I think this would be different for everyone.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

As a cis guy, I really just feel like I have zero reason not to identify with my gender/sex

[Violet of the Stars]

12 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

As a cis guy, I really just feel like I have zero reason not to identify with my gender/sex

Same here. I've never felt I needed to identify myself beyond the simple label of a cis girl. That simple.

[Missing]

Trans woman here.

 

1) Dysphoria. I’ve always had fairly intense dysphoria, even since I was very little. My dysphoria isn’t necessarily gendered on its own. I’ve always felt distressed about my body not looking how you might expect a cis female body to look, but looking like a cis woman doesn’t mean you have to identify as woman. Medically transitioning but not socially transitioning was an option, but this option didn’t feel right for me. When thinking about this, I asked myself “do I have dysphoria because I’m a woman or do I identify as a woman because I have dysphoria?” but I realized that this is basically a chicken and egg sort of question, and no matter which is the right answer, I’m a woman.

 

2) Social constructs. As I said earlier, my dysphoria is almost exclusively centered around my body. I think all of the social dysphoria I experience stems less from an inherent desire to be considered socially female and more from negative associations with having been expected to fit into the male social role on the basis of a body that I resented having. But I think if I had been afab, I’d probably resent the gendered expectations just as much and I’d probably grow up to become just as much of a raging feminist as I am now, but I’d probably feel no need to reject the gender identity I was assigned, so that’s the one I’ve assigned to myself now. If I had been amab in a post-gender society, I’d likely still medically transition to alleviate the body dysphoria, but I wouldn’t feel like anything was missing for living in a culture where there are no gendered social subcultures to belong to. So I consider my social transition to be entirely a result of having been raised and continuing to exist in a culture with genders.

 

3) My medical and social transition goals both converged on the feminine side of things, so I really had no serious doubts about how I identify.

[Galactic Turtle]

I am female and don't have an inherent problem with that which I presume means I'm not trans. But I'm also wary of the idea of adopting a gender identity since I'm still not sure what that's supposed to mean or what any given group of people takes it to mean.

 

Like @Mackenzie Holiday said, gender as a social construct sucks. Back in the early 2010's, gender was primarily spoken of and referred to as a social construct. "Gender is a social construct" was basically the headline everyone was regurgitating. So the last thing I'd want to do is align myself with what patriarchal society has allotted to me as a female. I am a raging feminist, after all.  

 

But now the rebranded headline is "gender is inherent" which I think is mainly referring to what I first said: I am female and don't have an inherent problem with that. In that sense I'd be fine adopting a gender identity even if I remain wary of the echoes of neurosexism present in the "girl brain vs. boy brain" theory. 

 

So to play it safe, I just say I opt out of gender identity just like I "opted out" of sexuality and will continue to observe which parts of LGBT internet discourse make it to the mainstream and determines what all these words are supposed to mean. XD 

[Unleash the Echidnas]

Don't think I really have three reasons. One, maybe two. When I was small there were the boys, the girls, and me. It simply never occurred to me I was supposed to be a boy or a girl and behave one way or another the way society expected rather than blending them in the way that I was interested in. Puperty was pretty rocky with the body getting more specific about gender and, since there was no awareness of nonbinary genders where I grew up, it took ages to figure out being attracted to both men and women meant I wasn't cis rather than that I was bi. Since I've never felt agender, demigender, or anything like that it's easiest just to call this being genderqueer.

 

Like many genderqueer folk I'm genderflux. My feelings about dysphoria and social constructs are much like @Mackenzie Holiday's but my situation never converged on transition. While I might be slightly happier if I had I'm not all convinced that isn't just wishful thinking and I'm as certain as I can be without actually transitioning that'd still be dysphoric, just in the opposite direction.

[MaryPenelope]

Gender is something that seems purely defined by the individual (aka, you can't define it by genitals, hormones, presentation, behaviors, or pronouns), and imo it's more trouble than it's worth, so. Agender.

[Mezzo Forte]

You know, as open as I was about my transition on AVEN, I don’t think I ever shared my slow realization that I’m not fully binary. I described myself as a trans man because my transition lines up with what people assume to be a “binary” transition, but I have some discomfort over being called a “man” and have been slowly coming to terms with my nonbinariness.

 

1) Dysphoria: that was what forced me to accept that I’m trans and compelled me to make necessary changes in how I live my life.

 

2) My experiences trying to go stealth: back when I taught community college, I was initially going stealth in my professional life and around anybody new that I met after I finished my Master’s program. Whenever I talked about myself while hiding my trans identity, I had to think very carefully before speaking because of all the tiny details of my life that could have outed me. That felt exhausting, and it just didn’t feel right for me. Plus, I started seeing what it was like to truly be in an “all-male” space, and I was honestly disturbed by the things people would say. 

 

3) The peace I currently feel: Transition has immensely improved my quality of life. I have found a comfort in my skin that I never knew was possible, and acknowledging that I could be non-binary without having to aim for androgyny has helped me acknowledge the nuances of my gender, getting rid of the pressure to force myself into a box that was only a partial fit. When thinking about how long my questioning process lasted, it’s funny how my trans identity only feels obvious in retrospect, but I am glad that I have been able to introspect in a way that has helped me understand so many facets of myself in a more nuanced way.

[SithLord]

I've felt much more comfortable being a mix of masculine and feminine. When I was younger, I liked long hair and pants or shorts, never skirts unless it was dress-up. Now that I'm older it's shorter hair and sometimes skirts but mostly pants or capris. I don't want to be seen as super feminine or treated like a "lady". As a teenager, I realized I didn't want to be called really anything used to describe a cisfemale (girl, woman, lady, etc. I rejected all of them except for "teenager" which made my pastor give me a blank look and drop the subject). 

[GingerRose]

2 hours ago, Star Lion said:

As a cis guy, I really just feel like I have zero reason not to identify with my gender/sex

I mean what makes you a cis guy?

[GingerRose]

I feel like I am a female because:

1. I can bleed from my body without harm in order to prepare to give birth.

2. I can give birth.

3. I can feed a baby from my own body.

[Guest]

Hello, I am a trans man. I know I am a man because:

 

1. Living as a female caused me to experience such severe gender dysphoria that I nearly took my own life.

2. Being physically and socially male causes me to experience peace, happiness, and contentment.

3. The first time an outside observer recognised me as being not quite "normal" was at 3 years of age, when my gender non-conformity started to manifest.

 

On 7/9/2020 at 2:42 PM, GingerRose said:

I feel like I am a female because:

1. I can bleed from my body without harm in order to prepare to give birth.

2. I can give birth.

3. I can feed a baby from my own body.

It is totally fine if you apply this understanding of biology to your own body, but I would encourage you to open your heart to the experiences of transgender people like me, who are assigned female at birth.

 

My brain is male, and my body is being corrected to align with that truth. Clinical diagnoses of gender dysphoria and persistent gender incongruence affirm this. What I personally need in my transition is a "male" body. Or, the kind of body that I personally view as male.

 

Many trans men choose to retain their ability to carry children, as they find the ability to bring life inherently wonderful. Carrying a child is not exclusive to cis women. And many transgender men do not have financial access to Testosterone and hysterectomies, meaning many of us experience monthly cycles. The only reason I'm able to move through the world as a bearded gentleman who does not have periods is because I am financially privileged enough to earn that status. Many men are not so lucky. And some men choose not to express their maleness in the same way I do.

 

Some trans men choose to be fathers, and the way that their fatherhood manifests, is carrying a baby. As you will see in this documentary, trans men who choose to carry their own children face violence, harassment, misgendering, and disrespect. All because pregnancy is still considered an exclusively female biological function, even though it factually is not.

 

https://seahorsefilm.com/watch

 

I would respectfully ask that you broaden your definition of what a female is, and what a male is. A man who bleeds and carries a baby is still a man. Here is a documentary about an Australian bloke who delayed his transition in order to have his own child, despite the extreme gender dysphoria that caused him:

 

https://www.abc.net.au/austory/from-daddys-tummy/6684254

 

You are a female because your soul is female. And you are a cisgender female because you experience certain bodily functions, and your anatomy is cisgender. But transgender men experience some of those same bodily functions, too. And it doesn't make us any less male. You can own your experiences of pregnancy and periods with all the womanly pride in the world, I do not want to take that from you. I would just urge you to consider that gender does not depend on your physical sex. Your gender is in your brain, and in your soul.

 

Much love, and I hope you're having a good day.

 

 

[GingerRose]

On 7/9/2020 at 7:55 AM, tony the trans man said:

open your heart to the experiences of transgender people

I think you misunderstand. This is what I feel like makes me a female, just me. Not anyone else. Everyone else has their own answers for this question which is what I want. 

[banana monkey]

On 7/9/2020 at 1:55 PM, tony the trans man said:

 

 

 And many transgender men do not have financial access to Testosterone

I was a little shocked by this comment and then I realised that the health system in my country is not the same as the rest of the world. I may be incorrect but I think here if you are dyacnosed with gender dysphoria it is seen as a medical condition and therefore you are entitled to the treatment (hormones) for it. Although I think people may have to pay for surgery, im not sure. 

 

A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks which make me grateful to live where I do. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, banana monkey said:

I was a little shocked by this comment and then I realised that the health system in my country is not the same as the rest of the world. I may be incorrect but I think here if you are dyacnosed with gender dysphoria it is seen as a medical condition and therefore you are entitled to the treatment (hormones) for it. Although I think people may have to pay for surgery, im not sure. 

 

A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks which make me grateful to live where I do. 

Hello! You are correct, many countries are not like your own. In my country (Australia), being diagnosed with gender dysphoria is a long process which can be expensive and inaccessible, as well as very invasive and binary-centric. Gender clinics are not widely available and the waiting lists are huge, plus transgender people experience intense scrutiny and phobia when trying to seek treatment from regular GPs and psychologists, and conversion therapy is still an issue. However, many places also offer informed consent now, and education is being improved. The catch there is that only some hormone medications are subsidised, so even if a person is diagnosed with gender dysphoria and prescribed hormones, they may not be able to afford the cost of medication.

 

A double mastectomy without private health insurance comes to around thirteen thousand dollars, with one night at a private hospital costing five thousand dollars, depending on the location. Bottom surgery can cost anywhere between ten thousand to forty thousand dollars. Needless to say, many men are not privileged enough as I am, to transition to the extent they otherwise might. I still don't know whether I'll be able to afford Phalloplasty. And private health insurance is a bloody scam. No way I'm interested in pouring money down the drain just for them to not cover me because my surgeries are "for aesthetics".

 

And we don't have it nearly as bad as many Americans do.

 

If you are interested in the struggles of transgender men specifically, check out the documentary Southern Comfort. Robert Eads was a transsexual man (meaning he transitioned from one sex to another) who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but doctors refused to treat him simply on the basis of his gender identity. By the time he finally found treatment, it was too late. He discusses this in the documentary, as well as how unaffordable and insufficient trans-affirming surgeries are. A lot has changed since that documentary was filmed, but not enough!

 

https://tubitv.com/movies/319922/southern_comfort?fbclid=IwAR2VWd4TtsRNx3dQJSc_EnWoaBy5nZ4uvTQ5Vqvymglwm2_ay871YxaX878

 

Plus, if the costs and legislation weren't enough, many transgender people are scared away from Australian healthcare by negative experiences (TW for discussion of trauma):

 

 

[Starbogen]

As a trans guy...

 

1. I have a lot of body dysphoria that's always been present

 

2. I never really identified with femaleness on a social level but the dysphoria there got increasingly worse as I got older and at some point I realized that I could never actually imagine myself becoming/growing up to be/living as a "woman"

 

3. Passing as male accidentally even if it was just for a few seconds always made me feel really good and I was disappointed when the moment ended

 

4. Presenting as male intentionally and passing all the time made/makes me feel good in a way I had never experienced before and more like myself

 

5. I don't identify 100% with maleness either but I feel like with the way I am it makes more sense to just say I'm a guy rather than nonbinary because I don't feel like there's enough of a disconnect to consider myself not-male in the same way that I'm definitely not-female

 

6. At one point early in the time while I was still questioning, I did identify as nonbinary, just neutral to be more precise, and it felt okay but still not quite... satisfying if that makes sense. It still felt like I hadn't arrived at the answer to the question. When I just started calling myself a guy and living and being seen as such, even though I still had a lot of selfdoubt at the time, it felt a lot more conclusive

 

7. The way I think about and interpret and express my gender has changed a bit over the years but that feeling of conclusiveness over being just somewhere in the category of "male" hasn't changed and I haven't looked back or felt like I was still looking for something since then

[anisotrophic]

1. I remember being female.

I think of myself as "was female". I've done all the things @GingerRose cites – I've born children, and nursed them.

 

I didn't mind it at first. I didn't mind the biological aspects. So, I have trouble identifying as "not/never female".

2. I couldn't do it anymore.

I became miserable about the gender I was born to, my social role as female – and about the whole concepts of gender. I couldn't endure being boxed up into "female" for the remainder of my life. This got worse and worse, it became hell. So, I couldn't be "female" either.

I spent years in this limbo, because I thought "male" was the only other option – and I hated that too.

3. I realized I didn't have to be "male" to stop being "female".

Thus, non-binary it is. My gender isn't a "task" I'm obligated to carry out for the rest of my life.

I was done. I took a sufficiently full tour of female. I'm transitioning, growing a beard, and even if I wasn't painfully unhappy with the body I had, I feel more comfortable and confident with how it is now – more "myself", who I am now.

Sometimes I think of myself like one of those fish that change, like the wrasse on Blue Planet. Maybe eventually I'll decide to just go with "male", who knows.

[KiraS]

It's more that I don't identify. To paraphrase Bornstein, I'm shit at being a man, but I don't pretend to know what it means to be a woman either. I am absolutely queer however, and that's both sexuality and gender. 

[GingerRose]

22 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I realized I didn't have to be "male" to stop being "female".

This is a really interesting point, I've been here too, thinking about this. It's good to hear how you phrase it too.

[GingerRose]

23 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

y gender isn't a "task" I'm obligated to carry out for the rest of my life.

❤️

I hope everyone of any gender sees it this way.

[GingerRose]

24 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

growing a beard, and even if I wasn't painfully unhappy with the body I had,

I get this.

I am not growing a beard, but I am growing more body hair that "females are told to shave" because it just makes me feel more free, why should I hide it or shave it off because of my gender?