What does masculinity feel like / mean to you?

[Rainy Robin]

This topic is touched on in plenty of other topics in the gender forum, but I thought it would be interesting to hear some of everyone's experiences in one thread. I created another topic asking the same question about femininity, so please check that out if it applies better to your experience!

 

 

[NickyTannock]

I'm probably not the best person to answer this question, as I don't relate to my physical masculinity.
But I find it intimidating.

[Purple Red Panda]

It feels like a jumble of expectations and codes of behaviour that I don't really want but being male I'm in some sense lumbered with.

[Salmakia]

I've never really felt comfortable with the prescribed societal idea of masculinity, and I tend to identify more with female characters in literature.

That said, being a male in a culture polarized by masculinity/femininity can be...frustrating...such as when I want to platonically cuddle with someone and I am faced with the male-imposed narrative of "cuddling-directly-leads-to-sex" as opposed to just cuddling as an end in and of itself. Same is true in group settings, when I feel the urge to work communally and people expect a leader to step forward and "take charge." I enjoy the process over the product, I like taking time to just sit and think or read, I don't feel the need to win things, I would rather listen than talk. Those preferences have sometimes surprised people when they meet me, especially some individuals I know who actively embrace their masculinity and can't understand my way of thinking. I've found that it can be harder to communicate my needs and desires when faced with presupposed judgement about how men think or act. 

Here are two men talking about masculinity. I like what they have to say:

 

[KiraS]

Like I'm a spy in enemy territory knowing some, but not all of the right things to do and say in order to escape scrutiny. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I believe my same post from the femininity discussion can apply here too:

 

12 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I’m not a woman but I am a cis guy trying to get in touch with his femininity for the first time. My view is that both femininity and masculinity are dependent upon the culture of the area and time period you’re located within as they relate to women or men. As an American, femininity is considered glamorous, high maintenance, and colorful but also vulnerable, dependent, dramatic, and submissive with masculinity being considered the opposite of all of these. 
 

As a guy, many of us were indoctrinated into this sexist idea that femininity (as represented above) is below a man and you should avoid it at all cost or else you’ll be stooping down to the level of a woman. I still see this ideology persistent within men today but I don’t want to be apart of it. After so many years without being able to do so, I wanna finally explore these traits that men have considered to make you less than as a person without the sexist ideologies at the front of my mind. That also means that being more feminine isn’t what makes you woman and I’ll still identify as man and be a grown man even if I’m more in touch with my feminine side by society’s standards

 

[QuasiSquirrel]

What does if feel like to me these days? Sadness.

[Bowie187]

When I think about masculinity and femininity I think about gender roles... Men are expected to be dominant, strong, independent, assertive and brave, while women are supposed to be emotional, vulnerable, caring, nurturing, etc. There are plenty of other characteristics associated to each gender, some positive and some negative. I think gender roles can be restrictive.

 

When I think about myself... I'm not dominant, I'm strong but not physically, I'm very independent, not always assertive and I would like to say I'm brave but I tend to avoid confrontation most of the time so I guess I'm not... on the other hand I am emotional, sometimes vulnerable, caring yes, and nurturing too. Does that make me feel like a woman? not at all, I still identify as male, but I guess I'm not very masculine (at least in a traditional way?), and the truth is I don't want to change myself to fit into those traditional roles. I am me and I like the way I am.

 

Another thing that people associate with gender is appearance, clothes, hair, makeup and such... in that sense I think I fit into the traditional expectations of how a guy is supposed to look like, but again, I hate it when I hear people saying stuff like women are supposed to have no body hair or men can't paint their nails, etc. If it's not my body then it's none of my business.

 

I almost forgot... some people also associate gender with certain hobbies or activities, like guys usually are into sports or videogames while women like... I don't know, other stuff? again, I don't care about that either because it's not true, there are plenty of women who like sports or videogames.

[Rainy Robin]

Based on the responses here (and the similar thread on femininity that I posted earlier) it seems like for many people it's really challenging to separate gender stereotypes and norms from innate feelings of masculinity / femininity.

 

Have any of you found a way to feel masculine or connected to that feeling in a way that feels more authentic to you and doesn't rely on gender stereotypes? I think @Star Lion and @Salmakia touch on this a bit, but I'd be interested in hearing if there are ways that people have tried to modify their definition of masculinity to better suit their needs. 

 

Just saw your post, @Bowie187. It seems like that ties well into the question I had in this post. Thanks for the input! 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

1 minute ago, Rainy_Robin said:

Based on the responses here (and the similar thread on femininity that I posted earlier) it seems like for many people it's really challenging to separate gender stereotypes and norms from innate feelings of masculinity / femininity.

 

Have any of you found a way to feel masculine or connected to that feeling in a way that feels more authentic to you and doesn't rely on gender stereotypes? I think @Star Lion and @Salmakia touch on this a bit, but I'd be interested in hearing if there are ways that people have tried to modify their definition of masculinity to better suit their needs. 

As I mentioned earlier, I think it depends on the culture. A person’s innate behavior and feelings might be considered masculine in one culture but feminine in another. But even if a different culture perceives you as feminine, you might still consider yourself masculine because of how that idea of masculinity was ingrained into you in your original culture

[Homer]

"Cis-male" here. To me it's just a set of vocab, the same way you're taught that the colour grass has is called "green".

[Purple Red Panda]

24 minutes ago, Rainy_Robin said:

Have any of you found a way to feel masculine or connected to that feeling in a way that feels more authentic to you and doesn't rely on gender stereotypes?

Not really. Being honest I don't really have the desire to. Masculinity doesn't feel like something I aspire to even though I present in a fairly masculine manner. I don't have a major problem with identifying as being male but I feel very little connection with it. That's not something that bothers me too much in the grand scheme of things at the moment and I'm not sure that any other gender identity would fit me better.

[Salmakia]

15 minutes ago, Rainy_Robin said:

Based on the responses here (and the similar thread on femininity that I posted earlier) it seems like for many people it's really challenging to separate gender stereotypes and norms from innate feelings of masculinity / femininity.

 

Have any of you found a way to feel masculine or connected to that feeling in a way that feels more authentic to you and doesn't rely on gender stereotypes? I think @Star Lion and @Salmakia touch on this a bit, but I'd be interested in hearing if there are ways that people have tried to modify their definition of masculinity to better suit their needs. 

 

Just saw your post, @Bowie187. It seems like that ties well into the question I had in this post. Thanks for the input! 

I honestly just try to avoid the term as much as possible. It's like when I'm traveling in another country and I don't tell people I'm from the United States (they can tell anyways, obviously), just trying to distance myself from stereotypes with which I don't associate. Sometimes I even push myself further away from masculinity than I actually feel, just so people won't associate me with that philosophy. Certainly not every aspect of masculinity is perceived negatively-- @Bowie187 mentioned strength, independence, and bravery--but at this point positive masculinity and hypermasculinity are so confused and entwined that it's just safer and easier to steer clear.

[KiraS]

I feel like I've spent half my life struggling with the concept of masculinity, and I just can't deal with it any further. So I do what I do, the things that feel less like I'm putting on a costume to minimize the risk of violence, and I would really rather that not be labeled as masc or femme. I'm resigned to it anyway. 

[Guest]

For me, masculinity is beautiful. I love my masculinity. I love being a man. I have always wanted to be like my dad; a good man, a strong man, a vulnerable man who talked about his feelings even when it hurt. To me, masculinity is strongly tied to aesthetic indicators of maleness (clothing, short hair, facial hair, etc), but I know that such aesthetic indicators are culture-specific, and that everyone interprets masculinity differently. 

 

I do not want to separate male gender presentation from masculinity, because that is where my masculinity comfortably sits. I love my maleness, and I love my transgender masculinity. I am a binary man, and I love who I am. I love myself.

 

I celebrate masculinity in all forms that it comes. Whether that's the cishet men I grew up adoring. Whether that's the masculine butch lesbians who reclaim masculinity as their own. I do not believe that masculinity is the sole domain of men. I have a love affair with maleness, but I find all forms of masculinity admirable... and worthy of all the poetry in the world.

 

I don't find femininity nearly as beautiful or fascinating. It's just a personal preference. I think all forms of gender expression and gender experience are awesome, I just really, really adore masculinity. I love men.

[anisotrophic]

I feel a bit less sensitive on T, less worrying about others, more likely to be "don't give an F / whatever". (Not that I'm any more or less prone to anger.) I think I might also have lost some euphoric experiences of feeling loved or cared about – everything more muted.

 

Can hardly cry (when I know I would have), that was the most dramatic change, might be part of it.

 

As for performance, for the most part (in my local cultural mileau) I think masculinity is simply avoiding femininity.

 

As a parent, I haven't noticed a difference in how I care about & treat the kids. But boy does society have gendered expectations on that.

[Rainy Robin]

On 7/9/2020 at 9:13 PM, anisotrophic said:

As for performance, for the most part (in my local cultural mileau) I think masculinity is simply avoiding femininity.

 

As a parent, I haven't noticed a difference in how I care about & treat the kids. But boy does society have gendered expectations on that

I can definitely see this (especially in the USA, where I'm from). Socialization has a huge influence on how we perceive gender norms and traits, which makes me wonder what effect there would be on kids who weren't introduced to those differences in treatment while growing up.