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Asexuality being a choice


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Before anyone comes for my head, I don‘t think asexuality is a choice. I am asexual myself and I didn‘t choose to be, I just am.

 

The problem lies with my brother. I recently came out to him as aroace but he is convinced that sexuality is a choice. Even more so since his psychiatrist told him exactly that. He thinks I chose to be this way and he told me to try and change it so I can get married and all (since I don‘t want to because I don‘t feel attracted to people neither sexually nor romantically). In that moment I didn‘t know how I could make him, a cis straight male, understand that sexuality isn‘t a choice.

 

I need the help of this community. Please give me some arguments that prove sexuality isn‘t a choice.

 

Thank you!

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So, his choice is to be cis-hetero then?

 

Call me harsh, that psychiatrist needs to be reported/go back to school/lose their license. 

 

Since when is being sexual a requirement for marriage?

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NickyTannock

@Liah_ I'd point out the experiences of other asexuals.
Many asexuals wondered if they were homosexual because they have no heterosexual feelings, or thought that other people were lying or exaggerating about feeling sexual attraction, or felt broken for not knowing this feeling.
In my case, I've tried to make myself feel sexual attraction, going as far as to watch pornography, and it's just not a part of me.
And if they're worried about marriage, point out that there are married asexuals, and people who don't want to be married, not that it's any business of theirs if you get married or not.

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Then they (your brother and his crappy "psychiatrist") need to ask themselves: Why would anybody choose to be asexual?

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If it's a choice, then ask you're brother if he chose to be straight/hetero or if he really thought about it before deciding that was the right path for him. For most people, the response will be automatic and immediate, because, for most people, orientation is innate, an internal part of their personality and thinking processes. I would think the psychiatrist would know this, but there are psychiatrists out there who follow different schools of thought on how humans process information, etc.

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Borderline

 I dunno any good arguments to make one not listening listen. . . Dig up some actual scientific data and papers by actual professionals on valid existence of asexuality?How do you choose how your body reacts to stimuli or what you find appealing? We don't some much as choose our favorite colors but identify which ones consistently look pleasant for us. Recognizing who you are and what you do or don't like isn't choosing, it is finding out already pre-existing facts that weren't named before. You don't choose you are left handed, you just notice you just suck with your right hand. Astronomer who finds planets isn't inventing them, it's just the 1st time anyone has seen them. Doctor diagnosing you with an illness didn't make you sick, they just saw the facts and named the virus based on similar phenomenon previously observed on other humans (telling him an analog with sickness on this topic might not be wise. . .)

 

( not 100% applicable for asexual story, but have my grey-ace perspective : )

 Should here be a warning of plain mentions of masturbation? )

 Tho I do can say that I myself in the past tried to be pure asexual, I wanted nothing of masturbating & arousal, it felt boring, tried to stop fapping aka be more asexual, failed, failed, gave up, continued being the same, tho bit less bored after the break, for now.

 My sexuality was and is on the grey-asexual spectrum whether I wanted it or not, tho by now I'm used to it. I had no choice, heck I had no-one telling me about sexuality outside of school sex-ed while growing up and I still ended up as creature able to be aroused by weird paraphilias none the less. Why would I chosen that?  How could I choose it while I blindly just tried crap out and continued doing what sticked.

 Also: from the 1st time I saw picture of opposite sex's genitalia, I've hated it. Own sex's one wasn't that great either, but at least it was familiar. People on my class bullied me a bit by showing that cursed spread of our text-book to me, for a while. No choice, nor reason for one, world is that tiny piece worse for you if you find something aesthetically disgusting or ugly.

 Never been actively wanting a relationship, never bothered by virginity of thought of it, never had actual crushes to anybody, younger me was content drawing and reading & later gaming and watching anime at home. Still perfectly happy with no sexual experience and no porn~

 

Why I always write suck long comments. . . . . srry.

 

 

5 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

Since when is being sexual a requirement for marriage?

Also this 🔼

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Anthracite_Impreza

Yeah literally just ask "So when did you decide to be straight?". He'll come up with some BS about straight being the "natural/default/One True OrientationTM", to which you can point him towards the many gay animals in the world. If he can't get it through his thick skull by then, I'd wish him a good day and refuse to engage again.

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everywhere and nowhere

I don't think that asexuality is a choice, but I'm not going to be very helpful because I'm very much against invalidating non-inborn sexualities.

Particularly this fragment caught my eye:

1 hour ago, Liah_ said:

He thinks I chose to be this way and he told me to try and change it so I can get married and all

And even if you could change it, why should you? After all, it's your business, not his!

Even if asexuality was a choice, what would be wrong with choosing it?  I'm very serious about it, because for me such an idea - that choosing to be asexual would be "wrong" for some reason - necessarily implies that asexuality is Inherently Worse than (depending on whom you ask) heterosexuality or allosexuality in general. I absolutely reject this idea. Asexuality and other non-straight sexualities are valuable in themselves, the world would be an emptier and less intereting place if everyone was heterosexual!

Really: while I, again, do not consinder asexuality to be a choice, this is exactly why I'm against the "born this way" rhetoric: because it is very hard to decouple from the undertone of "it's not their fault that they are like this". Of accepting sexual diversity only because queer people are unable to be straight. Which, in turn, smoothly leads to the rhetoric of conversion "therapy": that if there was a "treatment", could "we" expect queer people to undergo it? Would it perhaps be ungrateful of them to insist at remaining queer? You can see how dangerous this rhetoric is. So the answer I prefer is to point out these dangers and to refuse participating in a discussion on the level of "asexuality isn't a choice". Even if it was, I could choose to be asexual and I would have the same right to demand acceptance from every decent person!

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Janus the Fox

Yeah, curious of the wording and interpretation here between psych and patient.  While orientation is not chosen but discovered, the label or description is chosen based on that discovered orientation.

 

Yes also, just a small reminder to read title and body of text, I'll watch out for reactions based on the title, it is a legit question as I see it :)

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You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink.

 

I don't feel this is a battle worth engaging in.

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AceQueen.dj

You could tell him to try to change his own sexuality to prove to you that "it is possible".

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test-test-test

Tell him to try being gay for a few months so that he can gain a little more empathy lol -- but honestly, your brother was born ignorant it's not his fault. It IS his fault that he doesn't educate himself but hey, it's not your job to be in charge of how developed of a human he becomes. If you've tried explaining yourself and if he has access to google the rest is on him.

 

If he wants you to change your orientation just so that he can feel more comfortable (or go to your wedding ???) remind him how creepy it is that he feels so involved in your sex life : )

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