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Going back in the closet


aces&eights

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aces&eights

I told a few close friends I was asexual. I never thought coming out as asexual was a big deal for me as it’s not quite like other LGBT identities and all my friends are very progressive. Since then I’ve had those friends say I’ll be alone forever, it’s a mental illness, why don’t I just try master bating, asexual is just straight girls trying to be special etc. And some have gone off and told other people for gossip or to warn off people in the small chance they’d ever want to ask me on a date. Even the more accepting one (only one friend) doesn’t think I’d ever want to be in a relationship. I’m sick of it. I just want that all to stop and I don’t want it to keep spreading to other people so I can hear their invalidating opinions. I was thinking about lying and telling my friends that I magically woke up one day and felt like banging Chris Hemsworth just so they can stop knowing I’m asexual. Just a rant thanks to anyone for reading and does anyone else feel like this after telling people?

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Man, you're probably better off getting new friends. I'd say toss the asexuality under the radar again if you can and slowly distance yourself. You deserve people who are open to every piece of you. It's possible they'll see things differently with time but I wouldn't bet on it.

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MaryPenelope

Suggestion: kill your friends

Not really, I guess, but god I hate people like that. Seriously though, if they're disrespecting you like this, they're probably not people you want in your life. Even if you do go back in the closet (which is totally valid for a lot of reasons), I'd still suggest you find some friends who won't make fun of you or talk behind your back when you tell them this sort of thing

(If you can get away with murder though... just saying 😉)

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2 minutes ago, MaryPenelope said:

Suggestion: kill your friends

(If you can get away with murder though... just saying 😉)

I have a shotgun and time to kill. Meet me at the river. I'll have the bodies. 

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Same thing happened to me. I thought I must be a lesbian because I didn't feel attracted to men. Then I discovered that I wasn't attracted to anyone. People where fine acceting me as gay, but heaven forbid I come out as asexual lol! My parents all of a sudden thought there must be something wrong with me and that it wasn't normal or okay (eyeroll). When I told my parents that I thought I was a lesbian, they said I shouldn't care what others said and that if someone didn't like it then I should tell them to piss off an leave. So... I threw that back in my parents face and told them this is who I am and if they don't like it then tough. They can accept it or move on. I am very close with my parents so I don't think I would ever have actually done that, but it made them think and we don't really talk about it my mum is embarassed by it but doesn't try to stop me from expressing it and it hasn't changed out relationship. I would say power through and they either accept you or they are not real friends and you are better off. It is not worth the lifetime tourment of not being you just to appease others ignorance.  I have a trans aunt and I saw what she went through my trying to deny who she was for so many year. If you know who you are, you need to be that person or it will eat you up. 

 

Here is you need anything. 

 

L

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I wouldn't recommend suddenly lying and pretending that you experience sexual attraction -- this could backfire, because they could end up mocking you for flip-flopping.

 

But if you want to go back into the closet in a new group of friends, who don't know you yet -- you might consider that.

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1 hour ago, aces&eights said:

all my friends are very progressive. Since then I’ve had those friends say I’ll be alone forever, it’s a mental illness, why don’t I just try master bating,

So many contradictions are found here...

 

*hug* I'm sorry that happened :( 

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Low End Things

It's one thing to dismiss you so harshly, that's bad enough, but why in the world would they tell others about it? These people are terrible people, stay away from them.

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Someone Else

They're just gigantic assholes, that's actually literally all it is.  If I didn't immediately abandon such people and wanted to fight back, I'd point out that everything they are saying was once wrongfully said about homosexuality, and that they sound just as viscous and ignorant, and... I'd warn them, "You'll stop. right. now.  PERIOD. Or I'll treat you just like I'd treat a homophobic little shit."  If I thought there was actually a chance they'd respond to something intelligent I'd point out Aven, but most people like that don't respond to intelligence and evidence.
 No mercy, no patience on most homophobes, so no mercy on people who say the same shit about asexualilty.  They back down, or are willing learn, or fuck the HELL off.  I don't need homobobic shits as friends, better to be alone.  

I have much, much better luck just saying "I'm just not as obsessed with sex as other men."  that works like a charm every time and accomplishes roughly the same thing.  

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Conscious Cat-Panda

Some of my friends are like that. Their awareness of the spectrum is limited to LGBT and they maybe accepting on the outwards but they don't have the open-mindedness. So I didn't bother coming out, but I certainly told them to back off from making comments on my sexual life (nonexistent) or suggesting me options. Like seriously I never questioned why they are straight, why they are sexually attracted to their partners and have they "tried" asexuality.

 

I understand that your friends might lack open-mindedness or depth of understanding. If you think they are really worth the effort of explaining and educating, go ahead and tell them what it means. If you feel that they won't be able to relate to it, just tell them to back off and mind their own business. They have no job gaslighting you, your experiences are your own. What and how much you want them thinking and speaking about you is upto you.

 

But if they're outing you behind your back, that's major non-friends and non-sensitive behavior. Tell them it's an f***ing orientation and they have no right to out you, otherwise they don't deserve your friendship and trust.

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aces&eights

Thanks y’all for the supporting messages. Means a lot to hear that from others who actually understand what I am 💜

 

I would like to point out though that most of these friends are mostly great people who are there for me and are very supportive of social movements. All of them are usually open minded and would fight for LGBT rights and fight against racism, sexism etc. That’s why their instant judgements on asexuality is so baffling.


Most of the comments I think stem from ignorance as allosexuals struggle to understand that it’s possible to have separate romantic feelings from sexual feelings. I have talked about it with a few friends and convinced them that there’s a split. However it’s really tiring to have to convince them even if they are open minded.

 

The more nasty comments such as ‘it’s a mental illness’ surprising come from my lgbt friends. It’s almost as if they feel their own orientation makes them an authority on other ones idk. Kind of the weird double standard that @joonchild pointed out

 

As for the telling people behind my back it comes from people thinking ‘well it’s not like outing a gay person.’ Which..is a different debate. But still it’s frustrating. And my casual demeanour when I tell my friends I’m asexual might make them think it’s no big deal to tell others. I really should make it very clear what asexuality is and how it’s a personal thing not to be shared...it’s just hard to have that conversation 

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Purple Red Panda

Part of being friends with someone is respecting them, your friends do not seem to be doing that with you. I get that asexuality can be hard for people to understand but that is no reson to act in such a dismissive and disrespectful manner. It might be worth trying to explain to them how their actions have made you feel and the effects that they are having on you. If the situation doesn't improve then I think you really need to find friends who actually respect you for who you are.

 

I'm really sorry this is happening to you💜

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Purple Red Panda
3 minutes ago, aces&eights said:

it’s just hard to have that conversation 

Maybe send them a letter/email/facebook message etc. That way you can say exactly what you want to say without fear of interruption or getting tongue tied.

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I'm very sorry you had to go through such an experience. Coming out shouldn't be like that...

I also agree and would say, if they're not even willing to listen to you explain asexuality, go look for new friends. I know that's not something you can do overnight. But I am sure it will be healthier for you. People who don't respect and accept you the way you want to be don't deserve your company.

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5 hours ago, aces&eights said:

Most of the comments I think stem from ignorance as allosexuals struggle to understand that it’s possible to have separate romantic feelings from sexual feelings. I have talked about it with a few friends and convinced them that there’s a split. However it’s really tiring to have to convince them even if they are open minded.

Sometimes people need time to assimilate new information. And sometimes they are not as tolerant as they like to pretend.

 

I'd tell them the truth, if you are willing to risk that they turn out to be option B). Try to explain to them how and why they have hurt you with their remarks. Don't turn this into a 'scientific' discussion about asexuality; in my experience acceptance is not about whether someone can understand you, but rather whether they are willing to stand by you & give you their support, even if they don't understand you at all.

 

But those that went behind your back I'd be careful with. If someone has proven themselves untrustworthy once, they'll do so again.

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87
9 hours ago, aces&eights said:

I told a few close friends I was asexual. I never thought coming out as asexual was a big deal for me as it’s not quite like other LGBT identities and all my friends are very progressive. Since then I’ve had those friends say I’ll be alone forever, it’s a mental illness, why don’t I just try master bating, asexual is just straight girls trying to be special etc. And some have gone off and told other people for gossip or to warn off people in the small chance they’d ever want to ask me on a date. Even the more accepting one (only one friend) doesn’t think I’d ever want to be in a relationship. I’m sick of it. I just want that all to stop and I don’t want it to keep spreading to other people so I can hear their invalidating opinions. I was thinking about lying and telling my friends that I magically woke up one day and felt like banging Chris Hemsworth just so they can stop knowing I’m asexual. Just a rant thanks to anyone for reading and does anyone else feel like this after telling people?

I'm sorry to hear that. Your friends don't sound very mature and probably don't understand what options you truly have. I can relate to going back in the closet. If there ever is such a thing. I choose not to label myself so there's no closet in my reality. I have lied to friends in the past to just get them off my back. I have only recently shared my stories with close friends and they seem to get my viewpoints. Good luck with your journey and don't focus too much on them. Rather focus on yourself and what makes you happy. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Friends don't treat each other like that, whether they understand or not. None of my friends are mecha and had never really come across it before I came out, but not one of them acted like that. A few questions, yes. Telling me it was a mental illness? None of them would dream of it. And if they ever went behind my back and said somet without my permission... gods, they'd never see me again.

 

These 'friends' are not your friends, is the bottom line.

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No, because I don't keep shitty friends, which it sure sounds like yours are.

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Low End Things
10 hours ago, aces&eights said:

I would like to point out though that most of these friends are mostly great people who are there for me and are very supportive of social movements. All of them are usually open minded and would fight for LGBT rights and fight against racism, sexism etc

 

10 hours ago, aces&eights said:

Most of the comments I think stem from ignorance as allosexuals struggle to understand that it’s possible to have separate romantic feelings from sexual feelings. I have talked about it with a few friends and convinced them that there’s a split. However it’s really tiring to have to convince them even if they are open minded.

OP since I'm an internet stranger to you, I feel ok in saying that the two comments above are a direct contradiction of each other and are a good indicator that the people you're talking about are NOT good friends or open-minded. Actual open-minded don't just shut down something like this, especially when it's coming from their friend. There is no excuse for that. On a personal level, ignorance is not an excuse; if they're involved in the LBGT+ world they must be aware of asexuality, and even if you're casually mentioning it they should understand that it's a big deal from someone to bring it up at all.

 

You don't have to make excuses for them. I know you were only ranting in the OP and not looking for advice, but if you can't/don't want to dump them, at least work toward expanding your friend circle.

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I don't think you need to give up on them just yet.  You could let them know how their reaction has affected you, just keeping it to "I" messages ("I'm feeling sad and disappointed.  I was hoping for more support.  Can we talk about this and work things out?").  You could offer your support to them as well, as they are also navigating new feelings.  And, as another poster has suggested, you could send them to Aven.  I think it can be so eye-opening for people to see this active online community and realize that asexuality is really "a thing."

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Zebrafinch

This is kind of the reason I'm not out. There are lots of people I know who would definitely accept me as gay, but would probably really struggle to get their heads round asexual. Or just not get it full stop. 

 

There might be something helpful in here

 

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On 7/6/2020 at 4:40 AM, aces&eights said:

I told a few close friends I was asexual. I never thought coming out as asexual was a big deal for me as it’s not quite like other LGBT identities and all my friends are very progressive. Since then I’ve had those friends say I’ll be alone forever, it’s a mental illness, why don’t I just try master bating, asexual is just straight girls trying to be special etc. And some have gone off and told other people for gossip or to warn off people in the small chance they’d ever want to ask me on a date. Even the more accepting one (only one friend) doesn’t think I’d ever want to be in a relationship. I’m sick of it. I just want that all to stop and I don’t want it to keep spreading to other people so I can hear their invalidating opinions. I was thinking about lying and telling my friends that I magically woke up one day and felt like banging Chris Hemsworth just so they can stop knowing I’m asexual. Just a rant thanks to anyone for reading and does anyone else feel like this after telling people?

THIS... is why I don't tell many people...  people are just WAY too ignorant to deal with it.  So-called friends who were accepting of gay people could never accept me as asexual, so I had to stop being friends with them.  Sad, but true.

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aces&eights

Thanks for all the messages y’all. Makes me feel better that I’m not being overly sensitive and knowing that these comments are wrong.

 

I do feel the need to defend my friends though, as they’re really great to me in so many ways and to others. They, like the rest of the world, just seem to have this big blind spot when it comes to asexuality. It’s very frustrating and people don’t seem to grasp the personal and offensive nature of their assumptions and dismissals. But I also think that they deserve a second chance because there’s so much good that they do do. And they can’t be expected to change if I don’t tell them how I feel about these comments. So I guess that’s the next step 😬

I think in the future I need to be a lot less casual with who I come out to and when/if I do again I need to very clearly explain what it is to me and how it’s personal so not to be shared. Again thanks for all the messages everyone 💜🖤

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