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Which fits more? Genderfluid or demigender?


Prettyinink

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Prettyinink

POTENTIAL TW!!!

Hello, so gender is confusing. I am AFAB and nineteen, tentatively identifying as genderqueer/nonbinary. Basically, I think I am experiencing dysphoria, but at the same time this dysphoria comes and goes in waves. It arrives just long enough to be a nuisance and then it abates. In my head, I usually envision myself (and my future self, when I move out) as a gender-neutral/androgynous person, but I am still connected to my birth-gender on some level. And this isn't just about gender expression either, because I'm not exactly a tom-boy.

I want to be referred to with 'they/them' pronouns as well as 'she/her,' but I don't want to be an inconvenience and I worry about being called as "special, attention-seeking snowflake" even though this has been building up for a couple of years now. Hell, I have even written self-indulgent poetry where I was androgyne and nonbinary because Idk where else I could be open about this. When I experience what I think is dysphoria, I feel this tightness in my chest, like a mixture of frustration and yearning. I didn't think it was that bad, but then I was listening to the radio and heard this male singer hitting really low notes and I just thought, "I'll always sound high-pitched and like a girl." Then, I felt bad for hours afterwards, my stomach literally churning. And then I have caught myself making jokes about not being a girl with my family (who are against LGBT+ in general, so I'm not even really out as bisexual), but then when my dad asked if I was serious, I felt panicked and almost like I had been caught doing something wrong. Here's the thing though: I'm pretty open about this stuff myself, and I am afraid of judgement but not of actually being nonbinary... Especially since I'm pretty sure I am. 

I also envision myself with male genitalia frequently, although in an ideal world which will unfortunately never exist I would be able to shape-shift between feminine and androgyne body types, voices, and genitalia. Like sometimes I am 'eh' about my female genitalia (but I always am, tbh), but then at other times I seriously want male genitalia, or even both genitalia-types at once. Strangely enough, I don't experience top dysphoria though (maybe because I'm practically flat-chested and don't even need to bind?), and actually wish I had bigger boobs sometimes (although never when I experience that dysphoria I talked about). 

I am definitely not FTM though... That's the only thing I'm certain of actually! Despite my desire for male genitalia, a deeper voice, and boyish hair, I do not like 'he/him' pronouns... Although I like male titles oddly enough. And something as permanent as bottom surgery scares me. Again, I wish I could just shape-shift. 

Genderflux almost sounded good, but although my dysphoria comes and goes, I never feel genderless or agender. I feel gender-neutral/androgyne, with a desire to not completely part with my female gender, although I am not completely a girl. If I was on some gender-spectrum with 'woman' on the left and 'man' on the right, I am either in the left or the middle section of the spectrum. But every description I see says that a demigirl is between a woman and agender, and that a demigirl is a static gender identity. Yet I always feel some connection to my femininity, even though the dysphoria comes and goes, so is that actually gender fluid? Or is this what it is like to be bigender?

Please help. Although it wouldn't kill me to not have a label, I just feel like I need to understand these feelings. Putting a label on it would help me explore my gender identity so much further, even if that sounds silly. Also, even though this has been an on-and-off issue for a couple of years now and I have literally told nobody, I am worried about being an attention-seeking cis. Am I nonbinary enough? Also also, I don't want a super-specific label that would put people off if I ever publicly come out. So any gender fluid, demigender, or bigender people relate to my situation? 

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In my circle variable dysphoria is pretty common, even for binary-identified people. The same is true of surgery anxiety, or having mixed feeling about body parts.

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I actually see a lot of what I’m feeling in what you’re saying. After years of sitting and questioning, I’ve started figuring out a bit of what my gender identity really is. To put it simply, I’m genderfluid between demigirl and demiboy. Never felt a complete connection to either binary genders, but switch between feeling masculine, feminine and both, but never completely agender.

 

Before actually deciding on that label, I went to through a lot of ‘em. Bigender (though there were times I felt very androgynous, and the changes weren’t sudden), and one I considered was demigenderfluid (a bit of a mouthful, eh?) It’s a bit like being bigender, I think, since you have one static gender identity (like female, demigirl) but there’s another “half” that changes (which could be from agender to male, for example). And just to add- demigirl/boy can be “split” not only 50-50, but 20-80, 80-20, any combination. So overall, there’s a ton of ideas to go through, and the hardest part can be understanding yourself well. But the best thing to do is simply do some research, and see what feels right for you! 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Being demigender is compatible with genderfluid, and technically it can easily be bigender too if you go only between androgynous and female. So it all works.

Being non-binary (which I do think you are) means you can have labels within labels. The umbrella is Non-Binary, which you can tell to people who don't know anything more specific, and then demigender works in most cases but you might have to explain it. If you want to be more specific then you can say youre a genderfluid demigender trans person 😜 You don't have to say youre bigender, you can leave that open too, in case there's even more to you. (male, agender, etc)

I've also heard the term Demifluid or Demiflux, which you could use as a term instead if some part is static. Sometimes gender fluctuates, whether you really are fluid or just finding your identity doesn't seem fully clear to you yet. You have time to explore. You could very well be fluid though.

I'm actually a little bit fluid myself, between female and androgynous. I rarely mention the androgynous part because to me being a trans woman is already a big thing, but truth is I am a little bit non-binary. I usually just say that I'm trans, and that's usually good enough for me. What I really am is Transfeminine, or demigirl. With some amount of fluidity between female, androgynous, and sometimes agender... stronger to weaker in that order, but still able to flux between them. Ultimately though, I'm not sure that flux is really part of my identity, or happens for other reasons. It doesnt matter too much, but I guess it doesnt hurt to know about it.

Anyway, hope my post helps you a bit :)

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Hello! Lovely to meet you.

 

I would suggest just generally labelling yourself "non-binary" in order to give yourself space to explore your gender, and figure out who you are. The advantage of "non-binary" is that you will have a huge community welcoming you, you can describe your experience however it manifests, and there is room for change. Since you are still exploring, deciding to "commit" to a more specific label may cause you more anxiety, as you will inevitably change over the future, and you might come to panic about not having chosen the right label. However, genderfluid also sounds like it could be correct.

 

Funnily enough, I am a transgender man, and I once felt very similarly to you. I identified as non-binary and genderfluid for a few years before I started to become more and more masculine, and eventually ended up identifying as a trans male. For many years, he/him pronouns were too daunting to adopt, so I didn't use them. In fact, I had been binding my chest and presenting as a guy for several years before I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to undergo an FTM transition.

 

I don't say this to "convince" you that you're a trans man. Rather, just to illustrate that things change. I once felt very androgynous, whereas now I feel masculine. Identity is complex, layered, and as you grow, you never know how you'll feel. Perhaps you will feel more feminine, or more masculine, or more androgynous. Perhaps the ups and downs of your gender will lessen, or perhaps you will experience a consistently varied sense of femininity/masculinity.

 

A non-binary friend of mine is very physically androgynous, and has never felt compelled to bind their chest, as they have a very small chest naturally. Unlike me, they have never experienced that much top dysphoria, whereas mine was so severe that my life was basically on hold until I was able to afford top surgery. So, no two trans people are the same. It's alright to have dysphoria about one part of your body, and not another.

 

Dysphoria ebbing and flowing is a normal part of being transgender, whether you are binary or non-binary. It's not something you necessarily need to label. The most binary men that I know also experience fluctuating gender dysphoria, depending on their life situations, whether they have recently undergone trauma, or whether they're around people who trigger their dysphoria.

 

Some nights, as I lay awake in bed, I feel in-between. The remnants of my female life still linger, and being socialised as a girl will impact me throughout the rest of my life. Despite the fact that I live a fully male life, and am known as a man by all my colleagues, family, and friends, there are depths to me that do not exist in cisgender men. And that is okay. I give these feelings space to exist without being labelled, and I would encourage you to consider that complexity is okay, and does not necessarily need a label. If a label will bring you comfort, that is totally fine-- just try to put the emphasis on letting yourself evolve and grow, rather than trying to pin down your identity with really specific labels, if it will detract from your progression.

 

On 7/6/2020 at 3:33 PM, Prettyinink said:

Putting a label on it would help me explore my gender identity so much further, even if that sounds silly.

It does not sound silly at all ❤️ As I give this advice, I am 100% empathising with what it's like to be an early-transition person. Exploring your identity is scary, and can be overwhelming. The desire for community and clarity is not bad or stupid. You are allowed to want labels! And if a label will be a safe place for you to exist, whether you remain in that segment of the community or not, then it can be good.

 

On 7/6/2020 at 3:33 PM, Prettyinink said:

Am I nonbinary enough?

This is a question which you should be careful asking. It's the same kind of question as, "Am I valid?" Questions such as these, while definitely understandable, mean you're putting the legitimacy of your experiences in the hands of strangers.

 

To answer your question: yes, it seems to me that you are experiencing a gender identity which is contrary to your assigned sex at birth, and consequentially, you are indeed "non-binary enough", if that is a label you want to claim.

 

To dig a bit deeper, though: only you can dictate who you are, and where you belong. If you have experienced continued gender dysphoria/incongruence over a few years, it's apparent that you are wrestling with your identity. And you are allowed to call yourself non-binary if you want to. You don't have to ask for permission. You're also allowed to say, "I'm questioning right now", if you don't really know at present.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

I almost forgot, but I used to identify as androgynous. I wasnt being true to how important being female is to me though. It was kind of like.. hiding behind a middle ground, sort to speak.

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