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ThePoint

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My father is a hypersexual. I've heard countless (boring) stories about his sexual pursuits in his youth or even nowadays, ugh. He's also pretty old and seems to be developing memory problems. Since we live in different countries and only talk once every few weeks, a lot of what I say slips his mind really easily. That includes me explaining I'm asexual, everytime he asks about my love life (so, like, everytime we talk). Sigh. Anyone been in the same situation? Any ideas how to deal with this?

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Purple Red Panda
13 minutes ago, ThePoint said:

Anyone been in the same situation? Any ideas how to deal with this?

Not with the part about forgetting your sexual identity but my mum has Alzheimer's so I sympathise a lot. I found dealing with her declining memory deeply frustrating at points and then felt guilty about being frustrated. I'm not sure there is really anything you can do other than try to be as patient and calm as possible.

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man that sounds so rough, i struggled enough coming out to my family once 

 

maybe instead of feeling like you have to explain your sexuality to him each time you could say some think like "not looking for anyone atm" or whatever would apply to you. I guess it depends on your relationship with him and how open you are about these things 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Erm, is he actually seeing a doctor about his memory problems? Some memory issues are normal when you get older, but not to the extent you forget things that easily.

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4 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Erm, is he actually seeing a doctor about his memory problems? Some memory issues are normal when you get older, but not to the extent you forget things that easily.

There are some factors that I prefer not to mention here, but this is still a good point indeed.

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our own impermanence is difficult to face. I am not ready yet for that turn around the corner that I see my parents heading towards and their parents having left through. as days bleed into years I don't want to see years bleed into decades. I think the ride is going too fast. I remember whole stories being contained in single summers. I miss the time I had the pleasure of misspending.

I think expressing this as an issue concerning your sexuality is to put yourself in hardship there is no remedy for.
let's gaze over the precipice of the abyss nakedly.

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Phantasmal Fingers
10 hours ago, ThePoint said:

There are some factors that I prefer not to mention here, but this is still a good point indeed.

My father died of Alzheimer's. We should've known earlier than we did that he had it. But then again, it's mostly diagnosed retrospectively as its onset is gradual, so it can easily be dismissed as old age. 

 

The classic symptoms are loss of short term memory - in complete contrast to having total recall of stuff from many years earlier - and inability to assimilate 'new' information. And dislike of change in general. Also, irritability with any disruption of routine, and a somewhat compulsive need to check and recheck. All of a sudden, 'getting ready' to go anywhere takes an age. 

 

Subtle changes of chatacter - shortness of temper and an obsession with routine - can be obvious with hindsight but easy to overlook at the time. Even a persistent difficulty to find the right word or the right name can be signs of this. It's the cumulative effect over time that is easy to explain away and overlook. 

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nanogretchen4

I am sorry that you have to deal with this difficult situation. I would encourage you to take care of yourself by not going through the stress of coming out to your father over and over, knowing that it won't accomplish anything. If he asks about your love life, you could just say, "I'm not seeing anyone right now," and try to change the subject. If he launches into an inappropriate story about his own exploits, you could say, "Dad, I don't want to hear about my father's sex life." Most people, regardless of their orientation, would feel the same. There's no need to bring up your own sexual orientation when requesting a more appropriate choice of conversational topics. If he continues despite your request, you could end the phone call. If you don't want to end the call and he refuses to talk about anything else, you could also distract yourself by reading a book or doing something with your hands while he drones on. If he does change the subject, great, but given his memory problems you will probably have to remind him during your next call.

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17 hours ago, grez said:

man that sounds so rough, i struggled enough coming out to my family once 

 

maybe instead of feeling like you have to explain your sexuality to him each time you could say some think like "not looking for anyone atm" or whatever would apply to you. I guess it depends on your relationship with him and how open you are about these things 

Which is why I simply refuse to talk with my family about sexuality. They are quite liberal, so discussing feminism/sexism is ok, but actual sexuality? spar me

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21 hours ago, ThePoint said:

... everytime he asks about my love life ...

You’re in another country anyway, so just don’t answer the phone. :)

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Janus the Fox
2 hours ago, Real Jazz Hands said:

My father died of Alzheimer's. We should've known earlier than we did that he had it. But then again, it's mostly diagnosed retrospectively as its onset is gradual, so it can easily be dismissed as old age. 

 

The classic symptoms are loss of short term memory - in complete contrast to having total recall of stuff from many years earlier - and inability to assimilate 'new' information. And dislike of change in general. Also, irritability with any disruption of routine, and a somewhat compulsive need to check and recheck. All of a sudden, 'getting ready' to go anywhere takes an age. 

 

Subtle changes of chatacter - shortness of temper and an obsession with routine - can be obvious with hindsight but easy to overlook at the time. Even a persistent difficulty to find the right word or the right name can be signs of this. It's the cumulative effect over time that is easy to explain away and overlook. 

Though following the off topic here too, I had a gran that died of a Brain Tumour that was initially diagnosed as Dementia.  All the classic symptoms, all the gradual changes over many years.  Unfortunate that with her advancing age, the operation to remove it completely, pretty much was the same thing that lead to her passing shortly after.

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Lord Jade Cross
2 hours ago, Real Jazz Hands said:

 

 

The classic symptoms are loss of short term memory - in complete contrast to having total recall of stuff from many years earlier - and inability to assimilate 'new' information. And dislike of change in general. Also, irritability with any disruption of routine, and a somewhat compulsive need to check and recheck. All of a sudden, 'getting ready' to go anywhere takes an age. 

 

Subtle changes of chatacter - shortness of temper and an obsession with routine - can be obvious with hindsight but easy to overlook at the time. Even a persistent difficulty to find the right word or the right name can be signs of this. It's the cumulative effect over time that is easy to explain away and overlook. 

Well, sounds like I'm screwed.

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I've been told (by someone who has worked in elderly care) that with dementia sometimes it's better to just nod ahead and say whatever will keep that person happy and calm, because they won't remember anyway, but stressing them out can worsen their health.

 

I don't think there can be any good answers in such a situation; it is terribly frustrating when someone close to you doesn't seem to accept you as you are, but at the same time if this is due to an ilness, neither are they at fault.

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4 hours ago, FJO8 said:

Which is why I simply refuse to talk with my family about sexuality. They are quite liberal, so discussing feminism/sexism is ok, but actual sexuality? spar me

yeah i mean i told them i was ace but i'm never going to go into specifics with them or talk about anything i do within the community

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22 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

Well, sounds like I'm screwed.

Lol, it mostly read like my idea of normal (the RJHs post).

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