Now I'm questioning myself help

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

This is going to be rambling mostly sorry but its like midnight and I just had a realisation that made me question my life so

also like warning I mention sex. I tried to not to go into detail and be vague but I'm very open about talking about sex so idk what is okay for most people

 

So I came out few years ago as asexual and I was a teenager but I was fairly sure I was asexual because I'm aromantic and I couldn't imagine myself having sex and hadn't experienced sexual attraction, pretty good contender for being asexual. I was old enough to start having those feelings but also young enough that I could have been a 'late bloomer' (a hate that term so much). Over the years I've questioned whether I am asexual a fair amount but I generally come to the consensus that I'm at least grey-a if not 'fully' asexual. However more lately this has been happening more often as I've actually got something of a vauge maybe sexual attraction maybe not. In the past I kept switching back and forth between thinking I am attracted to males or females whenever I question whether or not I am ace which tends to further me believing I am asexual when I inevitably go back to thinking that each time.

 

I'm not even really sure what counts as sexual attraction. like I can look at a guy and like I'm not like 'i want to have sex with him' but more like 'sex with him would be enjoyable', my wants are mostly things like 'i would like to touch his chest' or more general stuff like sure I might sort of think I want to do something but I think that's more I want to that than I want to do that to him.

Spoiler

like how is wanting to watch someone masturbate for example different to watching porn? how would I know if I just want to watch someone do it generally or if its that particular person?

but like I wouldnt look at a regular person and think about sex at all they would need to be in a situation that would be deemed sexy like naked/in a state of undress or being very sexually flirtatious maybe but saying that I do drawings of naked people from photos some times and stuff and I never ince thought anything sexual about those apart from awkward with one reference in a sexual pose. but also seeing as I'm a Young aromantic who only just realised they would even be comfortable with having sex the only situations I have to go off of  aren't very realistic in their portrayals of real people. like I've never felt this way about someone I actually know but like more like finding a celebrity attractive or something like that. also I have aphantasia or almost do so me thinking of someone is a vague idea of someone at best so most of the time if I'm thinking about whether or not I'm attracted to someone I'm not actually looking at a real person and honestly might as well be looking at a very heavily blurred picture with a caption because that's about as good as its going to get.

 

also like I don't feel any sort of sexual anything towards females only males (we are talking biologically here or at least I guess post op trans people. sorry but I'm attracted to bodies) so that in its self tends to suggest that I'm not ace but rather gay (whether I can say im gay or not is a question for another day). like I experience aesthetic attraction to girls definitely but I'm not in anyway turned on by a naked woman. but like with guys I kind of am? and Its different

 

y'all probably going to be like you obviously aren't asexual but idk It just doesn't feel like its sexual attraction. or at least not 'proper' sexual attraction to me. maybe I'm just conditioned into thinking I'm asexual because ive thought that for years but yeah

 

then we come to my midnight revelation i just had. I'm trans/nonbinary right? I'm biologically female but I'm probably more of a demiboy or something of that nature although I do not identify with that term but for the sake of explaining. anyway I'm more on the male end of the spectrum I guess. if I were to pick a body it would be a male one, eg flat chest and male genitalia. I've always felt quite uncomfortable at the idea having sex and being touched sexuslly but I never thought it was to do with my gender till recently. I don't get dysphoria per say for my genitalia normally but I realised that if I had a male body I think I would be okay with sex. honestly not sure why I never realised this because I was literally like anywhere a g-string and bra covers is a no-go which leaves only the bits that are non gender exclusive but anyway...

 

so yeah and I realise that asexuality is based on your sexual attraction not your desire for sex trust me I've been trying to explain that to people since I first discovered asexuality but like yeah its a thing I gotta think about because a large reason I thought I was ace was because I couldn't see myself having sex with anyone in the future and yeah that because I don't want sex with my parts

 

So like how do I actually know if I'm sexuality attracted to someone. Honestly I wish my best friend was also possibly ace because then I could talk to her about sexusl attraction but rn its the two of us trying to understand what the hell sexual attraction is and do we experience it and I'm open about sex but not open enough to ask my parents what its like.

 

anyway I'm half asleep so I think that's about it I hope that made sense yeah anyone have s thoughts on the matter. I didn't really ask a question so like do you think I'm experiencing sexual attraction/do you think I'm ace? and how does one know if its sexual attraction?

[AmusedSkeptic]

It’s definitely possible you’re still asexual. A lot of aces experience arousal and that’s what your description sounds like to me. 
 

Your label is for you to decide, and remember to take your time in figuring this stuff out. It’s confusing and annoying when you’re questioning these things, but there’s no rush.

[test-test-test]

It seems like you're really going through a lot of emotions!! I'm so sorry you're experiencing so much anxiety ❤️ I'm still pretty confused about sexual attraction, since I've never felt it, but I found this site to be kinda helpful --> https://www.7cups.com/qa-lgbtq--17/what-does-feeling-sexual-attraction-feel-like-2956/ my favorite description was that sexual attraction was like hunger, where you like crave them ?

 

And hey, even if you DO experience sexual attraction that doesn't necessarily compromise your space in the asexual spectrum! Maybe you're demi, maybe you're grey; it's more about whether *most* of the time you empathize with the asexual experience, more than the experiences of sexual-spectrum people. Perhaps your libido is just getting more intense (mine was wayyy intense in my early 20s) or perhaps you are actually moving out of the asexual spectrum. There's a reason all of sexuality is visualized as a spectrum; it's all a range and rarely a set "point" on a line. The category and vocabulary exists for your own education, not because your sexuality needs to be set in stone once you identify with one! Whatever you feel is valid, but your sexuality doesn't define your identity or who you are as a human ❤️ 

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

I think honestly I just had a spike in my libido and had watched a music video with a shirtless guy a few too many times (not because of the shirtless guy obviously) and started overthinking things. I'm back to thinking I am still asexual.

 

Honestly though I'm not that fussed either way, I am what I am. I was more disappointed because the only pride flag I own is an ace one (and I own so many black rings now, I hated rings before I came out as ace) so I would be a shame if I ended up not being asexual lol. Priorities am I right?

[Artila]

Oh sheeeet I think I know what you are talking about. I have that too, sometimes I see females (rarely males) and go all like "stop looking at her chest, her eyes are UP THERE!" "oof her boyfriend is a truly lucky man!" "heck I wanna touch and embrace that!" and I feel it's linked to whatever sexuality is within me there. But I never had it obviously being sexual, just.... something inbetween.

 

I found some similar people here on AVEN and we labelled it as "hypersensual". Maybe that explains it better?

 

(I think real sexual attraction will be so intense and obvious it's unlikely one would miss or mistake it for something else)

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

48 minutes ago, Artila said:

Oh sheeeet I think I know what you are talking about. I have that too, sometimes I see females (rarely males) and go all like "stop looking at her chest, her eyes are UP THERE!" "oof her boyfriend is a truly lucky man!" "heck I wanna touch and embrace that!" and I feel it's linked to whatever sexuality is within me there. But I never had it obviously being sexual, just.... something inbetween.

 

I found some similar people here on AVEN and we labelled it as "hypersensual". Maybe that explains it better?

 

(I think real sexual attraction will be so intense and obvious it's unlikely one would miss or mistake it for something else)

I think I understand what you are talking about yeah.

 

And probably to the sexual attraction bit but it is hard to measure when you haven't experienced it to know if you are experiencing it or not, does that even make sense? but yeah

[Artila]

1 hour ago, Lie-RennyValkyrie_ said:

I think I understand what you are talking about yeah.

 

And probably to the sexual attraction bit but it is hard to measure when you haven't experienced it to know if you are experiencing it or not, does that even make sense? but yeah

 

I never had sexual attraction either but I was crushing once and that was a moment where my body took control over me. I think that it will be similarly with sexual attraction. If our body rules the brain and all those "hot, shaky, sweaty, genitals say hi" feelings come in and we CRAVE sexual contact without the brains conscious doing (not only "It's possible" but YES I LONG FOR IT!!!) - then I think it's safe to say we experience sexual attraction. 

 

I expect it to be a bit overwhelming.

(Anyone can correct me if i am wrong lol)