Coming to terms with my asexuality

[ellkae]

Just some musings on coming to terms with how I feel. I wonder if maybe they will help someone who feels similar?

 

I'm asexual but I still want a loving relationship. I fantasize about sex and I masturbate and I like some porn. I don't really like video porn. mostly because the stuff I've seen is more focused on people who don't seem to have a very deep connection with each other. I like illustrated/comic porn where the focus is on how strong people's love is for each other. Their loving expressions, the way they tenderly touch each other and passionately kiss each other. The focus is on their desire to be extremely close and intimate with one another, the sex is just a proxy for that.

I like the idea of sex, but in real life I'm just not interested in it. I feel like I could go the rest of my life without sex and not care one way or another. I have a low libido and I thought for a long time I wasn't ace and it was just my libido, but the more I think about things the more I feel that's not the case. If I had a high libido I might be better at taking initiative, I don't know, but I don't think I'd suddenly not feel asexual.

But I'm also not repulsed by sex. I like being physically close to someone. I find it hard to take initiative because I'm not excited about it. I need to switch things up a lot or I get bored.

I want to be in a loving relationship and I don't care if that does or doesn't involve sex. But I need that person to understand and be ok with the fact that I love them, and will have sex with them if they ask, but I'm not excited about sex. 

It's sex I'm not excited about, I'm excited about them. I understand why allosexuals would feel my not being interested in sex means I don't really love them, but that's not the case. O show my love in other ways.

I don't want to be with someone who is waiting waiting waiting for me start getting more excited about sex or start being more dominant because the interest just isn't there for me. And if they need a partner that can do that I'm not going to be able to make them happy.

When I realised I wasn't hetetosexual I was so happy because I thought 'maybe I'm not broken, maybe I do like sex, just not with men'. But I've dated a girl now and been completely and utterly enthralled with her and still not really felt and desire for sex. I liked kissing and cuddling her and some sexual behaviour, but we never really had 'proper' sex. I wasn't opposed to it but I just wasn't interested. I would have been happy to go along if she took initiative, but she said she didn't want to make me do it until I was ready ( by ready she meant passionate and excited ). I was curious to try but she was quite firm that she felt I wasn't ready. I think my lack of interest made her feel unloved, and all I wanted was to be able to show her how much I loved and adored her.

I'm tired of hating myself for being ace. I'm tired of hoping that one day I will 'get better', and I'm especially tired of hurting people because I wouldn't accept who I am and try to be something I'm not.

It's the way that I am and the sooner I learn to love and accept that the better it will be for myself and every future partner I have.

I have to believe being genuine is the best chance I have of finding someone I can be happy with that I will also make happy. 
It doesn't have to be all bad

[Purple Red Panda]

30 minutes ago, kelkae said:

I have to believe being genuine is the best chance I have of finding someone I can be happy with that I will also make happy. 
It doesn't have to be all bad

I really needed to hear that today 💜

I identify a lot with your post and I'm feeling fairly negative about myself and my sexuality at the moment, so thank you for posting this🙂

[ellkae]

@Purple Red Panda I'm glad it could help. I've been sad for a while about this and that realisation helped me a lot too

[Kencf0618033]

Same here. My recent psychiatric evaluation in particular helped make those pieces fall into place: I am no longer looking for an answer to a question which was never posed.