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Dating a cis, straight person while trans


Sebastian The Bat

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Sebastian The Bat

I don’t know where to begin.

 

Over the past several years I have been learning more about my identity and accepting that I’m a trans man. 

 

Two years ago I started dating my boyfriend who I am with currently and between then and now we have had a few conversations about this topic.

 

He can be a bit naive and said some stuff that was hurtful which is why it’s hard to talk to him about this stuff in a manner that’s not full of miscommunication and idk.

 

He is not rude, he is not an a-hole. He’s just very badly misinformed and he is naive and doesn’t understand some things. 

 

Anyways, he is cis and he is allowed to feel however he wants. 

 

The thing is is that I don’t know what to do. My dysphoria just continues to get worse. I can’t scroll through social media, see that someone posted about getting some sort of surgery and now I feel a tinge of depression and hate for myself. 

 

If I stay with my bf I will continue to feel this way, I will continue to feel miserable but if I leave and transition then I will still be depressed.

 

There is absolutely no winning, I’m depressed either way. 

 

I would also also like to mention that my bf wants me to be happy, he told me that it’s not fair if I’m living as someone I’m not. 

 

Also, we have talked about how if we break up both of us will want to still to hug and and hold hands and act as if we’re still dating. 

 

I really don’t  know what else else to say.

 

I would also like to mention that he has commented before that he does find some men attractive but he is not gay. Which is fine. And again, he is allowed to feel however he wants to and I understand that I can’t change his sexuality and all that.

 

Oh and also, If we break up now then idk. Transitioning costs money and it’s going to be awhile before I’m able to actually do anything.

 

I’m so in love with this person, they treat me well, they make me feel so loved, they make me so happy. And I know this is cliché but I really won’t be able to trust anyone else as much as I trust him and he has told me the same thing before.

 

this whole thing hurts both of us and I just don’t know what to do.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone have any advice? I’m so lost here

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Purple Red Panda

No advice (this really is out of my sphere of experience) but *hugs* 💜

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you in the long run. I don't know what that is, but wanted to reply to you just to tell you how brave I think you are dealing with such a difficult and personal issue.

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Sebastian The Bat
4 minutes ago, Purple Red Panda said:

No advice really (this really is out of my sphere of experience) but *hugs* 💜

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you in the long run. I don't know what that is, but wanted to reply to you just to tell you how brave I think you are dealing with such a difficult and personal issue.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. I just feel very lost and upset right now.

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Purple Red Panda
1 hour ago, The Unicorn said:

I just feel very lost and upset right now.

I can imagine 💜 Hopefully someone will be along at some point who has some useful advice. I just wanted you to know that someone has read what you wrote and feels for you. Possibly it might be worth getting in touch with a trans organisation as they will be likely to have experience with this kind of thing and might be able to put you in contact with someone who has gone through exactly the same issues.

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nanogretchen4

In my opinion this relationship probably has an expiration date but it might not be crucial to break up right now, as long as the conflict between your gender and his orientation is not causing too much distress to either of you. Think of it like a high school romance you know will end when you go to different colleges. You should start planning your transition. If you have not started to see a gender therapist yet it will probably be months before you can start hormones and years before surgery, if you decide you want both these options and choose to press forward on the fastest possible schedule. When you know what that timetable will look like, you could agree that your relationship will transition to a close platonic friendship on a certain date. Give yourselves enough lead time to make separate living arrangements and become financially independent if that is something that needs to happen. Then make the most of the relationship while it lasts.

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I used to be in this situation, but from the opposite end. I was the cis, straight person (that was over a year ago though, before I knew I was bi so...). When I thought I was straight, I had a hard time with knowing that this person that I had feelings for was technically a trans woman. Even though this person hadn't transitioned yet (and still hasn't), it was hard for me to grasp and to accept that they're not a guy. It's still kind of hard sometimes honestly, but I'm getting better at it as time goes on.

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I was the trans person in a marriage like what you described. My transition is what ended the marriage, although it was already on the rocks over me finding out I was ace. She could somewhat handle me being ace. She couldn't handle her friends thinking she was gay.

 

I don't know what to tell you about your relationship except to listen to each other, really listen. Do couples counseling if necessary. I do believe it can work out, but both people need to know how much they're willing to compromise and to be honest with each other about it. 

 

I know I wasn't willing to compromise at all when it came to my transition. It felt like every suggestion she had was her trying to stop me from doing it. She just wanted time to come to terms with it and I wanted to get through it as fast as possible. In hindsight, I sacrificed our marriage for my transition, and now that I'm not depressed, I wonder many times a year whether I could have been okay with a non-medical transition had I taken care of the depression first.
 

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anisotrophic

I came to gender issues well into my marriage, after we’d started having children. My husband had dated a guy before me, but for the most part lived life as het. His sexuality is very muted & he currently considers himself ace.

 

I guess I took it slow, I started wearing men’s clothes (he helped me shop the first few times). I wondered if I wanted to transition to male, but that didn’t seem right. Maybe five years later I identified as NB, and started talking seriously about considering T. We decided to have a final kid first — I wouldn’t risk a situation where we wanted one, couldn’t conceive, and I’d wonder if the hormones caused it.

 

Then, after the pregnancy & infant, a year and a half after starting to talk about it, I started T. At first it was to see how it felt. I said, I might keep going. That gave him pause to think he might “transition” to being seen as a gay man — but he was reassuring — just a big thing he hadn’t thought about.

 

10 or 11 months in, everything is still good. Main issues are around how much the weekly cycle of T affects my moods, not the transition itself.

 

We can’t know what the future holds here, but we’re still doing well together and we figure we’ll just keep going instead of worrying about potential problems.

 

I do think transition is something we did together. My mother took issue with it. I don’t think she had a right; I consider the main people I worry about the effects as my partner and our children.

 

I guess a take away is that I did it all pretty slowly.

 

I guess my advice is to not hide what you’re thinking about, giving lots of warning about what you might do. Maybe not rush it either, but I really can’t speak to that — I appreciate that delays can feel very stressful for many folks once they realize dysphoria.

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Not sure if this would help but have you thought about a compromise? Not full out transition but go up to a certain point, (whatever that is and what you both feel comfortable)? EX: maybe not T but wearing men's clothing or at least non Feminine clothing, maybe breast reduction rather than total top surgery, just a thought 

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nanogretchen4

Personally I would not encourage anyone to compromise on their transition for the sake of a relationship. Most people will go through multiple break ups in their life. No one enjoys it, but people get through it and it usually turns out to be for the best in the long run. Changing your gender identity is impossible, and changing your partner's sexual orientation is impossible, but changing partners is a normal part of life.

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anisotrophic

I’m with @nanogretchen4 — suppressing this is way too painful. There’s a big difference between a supportive, mutual “lets take it slow, together” and “indefinite nope”. Any sense that I’m not *potentially* going “all the way” — agreeing to “never go that far” — would make me miserable.

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If you don't have the money to transition right now, that kind of solves that part of it for you, doesn't it? Just modify your appearance in whatever ways floats your boat short of surgery right now, and… grit your teeth and tough it out, because there's nothing else you CAN do. It won't be easy, but you CAN do it, and one day you WILL be able to transition, and it will be a gigantic victory!

 

In the meantime... It's totally normal to feel like the person you're with is the be-all and end-all, especially when you're young... but that person rarely ends up being who you end up with, and in between you'll have others who you'll feel exactly the same way about, no matter how sure you are that you won't. There doesn't seem to be any need to break up right now, so don't. Whether he can handle your gender asserting itself remains to be seen... if he can't, you'll be sad, but you'll get over it even though you're sure you won't, and you'll find someone who DOES support who you are. Do what's right for YOU; what he does will be up to him.

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8 hours ago, tony the trans man said:

Hello ❤️ You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out like this, and for seeking help.

 

The good news is that this isn't a situation which is unique to you. You're not alone in this fight. Many transgender people struggle to transition when they are already in relationships, particularly if their partner identifies as straight or gay. However, if you are transgender, suppressing your true self is not sustainable or realistic. You will just hurt yourself, and your relationship will suffer as a result, even if you try to cling to things being the way they were. There is no guarantee that your partner will come to be attracted to you as you transition, but equally, transitioning does not always signal the end of people's relationships. If you need to transition, you need to transition. What happens in your relationship is inevitable, whether you stay together or break up.

 

If you transition, you will find yourself more at peace, and you will be able to alleviate your gender dysphoria. There will be more relationships in the future, if you and your current partner do break up. It may hurt, but you can't put yourself under the strain of pretending to be a gender you're not. I personally tried to delay my transition to appease my mother, but all this accomplished was me feeling suicidal, depressed, anxious, afraid, and hesitant to stand up for myself. Our platonic relationship deteriorated, and I came to hate her for the grip she had over my life. I don't want to see the same happening to you in your romantic relationship.

 

Here are some resources which may help you:

 

Firstly, I would suggest checking out this document, titled Coming Out As Transgender in Same-Sex Relationships. While not directly parallel to you, you may recognise some similar struggles as you read through people's accounts: https://gendercentre.org.au/resources/support-resources/family-friends?download=865:coming-out-transgender-in-same-sex-relationships

 

Secondly, please watch this video, where a trans man describes being in a relationship with someone who stifled his transition.

 

 

Thirdly, please attend therapy, and seek professional help for your personal circumstances. You need proper support. While I wish I could support you as much as you need, through the internet, that is practically not possible.

 

However, I am happy to answer more questions if you have any, and provide empathy.

 

I hope you're doing alright, whenever you read this reply.

 

Lastly-- do not do the following:

 

Gender dysphoria can be serious enough that people end their lives in lieu of being able to obtain the procedures/therapies they need. You cannot deny yourself aspects of your transition for someone else's sake, no matter who that somebody else is. Dysphoria is not so easily cast aside or ignored. You would come to resent your partner for putting that undue pressure on you, and in all likelihood, your partner would not want you in that situation either.

I was not saying not to transition but there are many different aspects of it as everyone knows. you don't have to fully transition to be totally happy many go on low dosage hormones, have minor cosmetic surgery and still stay together as a couple, some just socially transition but do not transition at work it all is a matter of balance and commitment if you want a relationship to workout

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1 hour ago, Albine said:

I was not saying not to transition but there are many different aspects of it as everyone knows. you don't have to fully transition to be totally happy many go on low dosage hormones, have minor cosmetic surgery and still stay together as a couple, some just socially transition but do not transition at work it all is a matter of balance and commitment if you want a relationship to workout

I see where you're coming from, but even back when I thought I was straight, I never would have asked my partner not to transition all the way if that's what they wanted. It probably would have become harder and harder to stay with them as they would transition (they haven't started at all yet), but that would've just meant we probably weren't meant to be. Their happiness means the world to me and them transitioning all the way (if that's what they wish to do), seems like the best option. To me, it doesn't matter if they're my partner or not cause it's their body. I don't have a right to tell them what they should/shouldn't or can/can't do with their own body. If I didn't like it, then that's just too damn bad.

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  • 2 months later...
Sebastian The Bat
On 7/6/2020 at 10:05 PM, Dawning said:

If you don't have the money to transition right now, that kind of solves that part of it for you, doesn't it? Just modify your appearance in whatever ways floats your boat short of surgery right now, and… grit your teeth and tough it out, because there's nothing else you CAN do. It won't be easy, but you CAN do it, and one day you WILL be able to transition, and it will be a gigantic victory!

 

In the meantime... It's totally normal to feel like the person you're with is the be-all and end-all, especially when you're young... but that person rarely ends up being who you end up with, and in between you'll have others who you'll feel exactly the same way about, no matter how sure you are that you won't. There doesn't seem to be any need to break up right now, so don't. Whether he can handle your gender asserting itself remains to be seen... if he can't, you'll be sad, but you'll get over it even though you're sure you won't, and you'll find someone who DOES support who you are. Do what's right for YOU; what he does will be up to him.

Thank you.

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Sebastian The Bat
On 7/12/2020 at 1:54 AM, tony baloney said:

Hello ❤️ You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out like this, and for seeking help.

 

The good news is that this isn't a situation which is unique to you. You're not alone in this fight. Many transgender people struggle to transition when they are already in relationships, particularly if their partner identifies as straight or gay. However, if you are transgender, suppressing your true self is not sustainable or realistic. You will just hurt yourself, and your relationship will suffer as a result, even if you try to cling to things being the way they were. There is no guarantee that your partner will come to be attracted to you as you transition, but equally, transitioning does not always signal the end of people's relationships. If you need to transition, you need to transition. What happens in your relationship is inevitable, whether you stay together or break up.

 

If you transition, you will find yourself more at peace, and you will be able to alleviate your gender dysphoria. There will be more relationships in the future, if you and your current partner do break up. It may hurt, but you can't put yourself under the strain of pretending to be a gender you're not. I personally tried to delay my transition to appease my mother, but all this accomplished was me feeling suicidal, depressed, anxious, afraid, and hesitant to stand up for myself. Our platonic relationship deteriorated, and I came to hate her for the grip she had over my life. I don't want to see the same happening to you in your romantic relationship.

 

Here are some resources which may help you:

 

Firstly, I would suggest checking out this document, titled Coming Out As Transgender in Same-Sex Relationships. While not directly parallel to you, you may recognise some similar struggles as you read through people's accounts: https://gendercentre.org.au/resources/support-resources/family-friends?download=865:coming-out-transgender-in-same-sex-relationships

 

Secondly, please watch this video, where a trans man describes being in a relationship with someone who stifled his transition.

 

 

Thirdly, please attend therapy, and seek professional help for your personal circumstances. You need proper support. While I wish I could support you as much as you need, through the internet, that is practically not possible.

 

However, I am happy to answer more questions if you have any, and provide empathy.

 

I hope you're doing alright, whenever you read this reply.

 

Lastly-- do not do the following:

 

Gender dysphoria can be serious enough that people end their lives in lieu of being able to obtain the procedures/therapies they need. You cannot deny yourself aspects of your transition for someone else's sake, no matter who that somebody else is. Dysphoria is not so easily cast aside or ignored. You would come to resent your partner for putting that undue pressure on you, and in all likelihood, your partner would not want you in that situation either.

Thank you

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  • 1 year later...
Sebastian The Bat
On 7/3/2020 at 4:55 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

In my opinion this relationship probably has an expiration date but it might not be crucial to break up right now, as long as the conflict between your gender and his orientation is not causing too much distress to either of you. Think of it like a high school romance you know will end when you go to different colleges. You should start planning your transition. If you have not started to see a gender therapist yet it will probably be months before you can start hormones and years before surgery, if you decide you want both these options and choose to press forward on the fastest possible schedule. When you know what that timetable will look like, you could agree that your relationship will transition to a close platonic friendship on a certain date. Give yourselves enough lead time to make separate living arrangements and become financially independent if that is something that needs to happen. Then make the most of the relationship while it lasts.

Hey, this is a really late reply but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you very much. I don’t know what the future is going to look like but for the moment I’m enjoying my relationship with this person. Transitioning costs a lot of money that I don’t have and money that is going into college. For now I’m appreciating having this person in my life. Thank you again, I appreciate your advice. I hope you’re doing well and staying safe.

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On 7/3/2020 at 6:18 PM, Sebastian The Bat said:

I don’t know where to begin.

 

Over the past several years I have been learning more about my identity and accepting that I’m a trans man. 

 

Two years ago I started dating my boyfriend who I am with currently and between then and now we have had a few conversations about this topic.

 

He can be a bit naive and said some stuff that was hurtful which is why it’s hard to talk to him about this stuff in a manner that’s not full of miscommunication and idk.

 

He is not rude, he is not an a-hole. He’s just very badly misinformed and he is naive and doesn’t understand some things. 

 

Anyways, he is cis and he is allowed to feel however he wants. 

 

The thing is is that I don’t know what to do. My dysphoria just continues to get worse. I can’t scroll through social media, see that someone posted about getting some sort of surgery and now I feel a tinge of depression and hate for myself. 

 

If I stay with my bf I will continue to feel this way, I will continue to feel miserable but if I leave and transition then I will still be depressed.

 

There is absolutely no winning, I’m depressed either way. 

 

I would also also like to mention that my bf wants me to be happy, he told me that it’s not fair if I’m living as someone I’m not. 

 

Also, we have talked about how if we break up both of us will want to still to hug and and hold hands and act as if we’re still dating. 

 

I really don’t  know what else else to say.

 

I would also like to mention that he has commented before that he does find some men attractive but he is not gay. Which is fine. And again, he is allowed to feel however he wants to and I understand that I can’t change his sexuality and all that.

 

Oh and also, If we break up now then idk. Transitioning costs money and it’s going to be awhile before I’m able to actually do anything.

 

I’m so in love with this person, they treat me well, they make me feel so loved, they make me so happy. And I know this is cliché but I really won’t be able to trust anyone else as much as I trust him and he has told me the same thing before.

 

this whole thing hurts both of us and I just don’t know what to do.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone have any advice? I’m so lost here

I wish you both the best, but I don't have any advice on this 

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Janus the Fox

To add, I’m trans and dating with I thought was a Bisexual person, later found they’re ace as I am.  They don’t care for the sex or gender that I am.  Their fetishes involve any gender however.  They’ve not minded any changes, even the one of losing my active arousal.  We’ve been together almost five years.

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