Comp het has been a concept in the lesbian community for a while. Do you all ever feel like you experience a sort of 'comp allo'?

[aneczyk]

No, because I've never felt like I had to be attracted to women - only to men.

[wordforger]

It's definitely a thing.  I assumed I was heterosexual for most of my junior high through college years and just 'chose to be celibate.'  I occasionally entertained the idea of getting married, and even got an idea of what kind of wedding I'd have if I did marry.  I did like to look at faces with certain features, so assumed that what features I thought looked nice +what personality traits I liked in a good friend="my type."  Then I actually met someone who was "my type" and had five minutes of being flustered at the idea of finally trying to get involved with someone.  I talked with my sister about it, and in the middle of the discussion I suddenly realized I actually had no interest in the guy at all.  The 'interest' was just me trying to fit the mold I'd been squeezed into from day one.

Of course on the flip side I'd been joking about ending up a crazy cat lady or marrying a closeted gay millionaire for years at that point.  I told my Mom to give my sister the nicer of the two wedding plates she'd bought for each of us at birth, even though it was the one she'd specifically bought for me to give me on my wedding because I said I wasn't going to get married.   And I'd learned about asexuality and was beginning to wonder if I fit there... 

 

Meeting the boy who was "my type" was the incident that finally clinched both my aceness and aromanticism.

[Horseheart]

Can definitely relate to this. When I realized I liked girls romantically I automatically assumed "oh look! I guess I'm bisexual!" It didn't even occur to me that I may be biromantic, although I never had any sexual attraction towards either gender. I thought I was allosexual before, and then I thought I was bisexual. It was only later when I got a bit older that I felt "oh, now is the time that I really need to crack down on being sexual, cause it's starting to get noticed by others." I tried to force myself into sexual fantasies with men (because ofc that's the norm) but it immediately felt wrong. However when I did the same with women I almost wanted to avoid the fact that it ALSO didn't feel right, because that would be invalidating my bi-ness to both myself and others, and I was already worried enough about lying to myself. 

 

All that to say I think there is a really interesting dynamic between both compallo and comphet (and even, to an extent, "comphomo" in the LGBT+ community) and that's completely ignoring romantic orientation. As a biromantic I felt like I wasn't bi enough if I wasn't sexually attracted to women, and I felt like I had to ignore the fact that I wasn't sexually attracted to men because if I acknowledged it it'd go against heteronormative societal standards. And throughout all of this I was experiencing compallo because it didn't even occur to me that maybe my romantic orientation can exist completely separately than my sexual one, and just because the society we live in pushes the idea that they come hand in hand, they don't. 

 

I'm really glad this discussion is happening in the ace community! It's really eye opening and I think it helps a lot of people.

[Lupin-]

I dunno if I'd go so far as to say I fantasized about it, because to me that implies actively wanting to think / enjoying that thought. But as a kid (a younger kid than I am now, anyway, lol) I did always envisage the future with marriage in it. I mean, that's just what everyone does, isn't it? (I thought.) You go to primary & secondary school, then you go to university, then you do a job for a bit, then you get married and have a kid. Such is the way of life! I always thought of it in an "it's inevitable" kinda way. I remember not wanting to have a child because of the years and years of responsibility that'd dump on me (I find it trying enough owning a cat, even if I do love her), but being scared that I'd end up having one anyway. Like I'd be peer pressured into it. I also said that if I ever got married, I'd want to have permanent separate bedrooms, or ideally just not live together at all.

To add on to this whole fictional character thing that people are/were talking about: as someone who likes writing and creating characters, I definitely fell into the trap of thinking "I gotta put 'em in a sexual (AND romantic -- aka, yer stereotypical package) relationship". It didn't and currently doesn't help that this is the narrative you see in the majority of stories, even ones that aren't focused on romance or sex. I can't count the number of detective novels I've read with the obligatory love interest for one of the suspects, or even, God forbid it, the detective themselves.

[Thujaplicata]

I also just sort of always assumed that I'd end up in the classic heterosexual relationship. I was vaguely aware alternatives existed, but until high school I think they didn't really seem real and certainly didn't apply to me. I didn't fantasize, I never faked a crush, never forced feeling attraction, but I just kind of assumed it was inevitable. Puberty would happen, my body would change, and I'd be interested in boys. It's just how the world works. I mean, it was also assumed (by media, science, some people around me) that I'd automatically become a crazy, rebellious, stupid teenager as soon as I hit 13... I hate being told my own changes/identity are inevitable and beyond my own autonomy. 

But anyway, comp allo... yeah. I had multiple levels of objection to heterosexual relationships but even while I felt literally sick at the idea of being a stay-at-home mom married to a man, that was all about power dynamics. I didn't even consider the sexual, romantic, or relationship component of that and sort of assumed I'd be fine with the rest, I just wouldn't be comfortable being a dependent at all. 

I was lucky in that my dad was really supportive of me 'not being interested at the moment.' He said no rush, great to not have to deal with all that, etc. But I think we both still assumed I'd be interested sooner or later. He doesn't mind, but I think a part of him still half expects me to discover sexual interest in someone at some point. A small part of me still expects the same even though I've got next to no libido and have experienced zero sexual attraction ever. 

My experiences could pretty much be summed up like so: I didn't really experience desires of any sort, didn't fantasize about my future that way, wasn't unhappy as I was, but generally assumed that I'd end up in some sort of romantic and sexual relationship. I did decide by the end of high school that it almost certainly wouldn't be with a guy due to the aforementioned stress over power dynamics, though I didn't actually picture getting together with a girl either. (Spent enough of my childhood feeling powerless with my step-dad that the mere idea of trusting an imaginary man with that much leverage over my fiscal, physical, emotional well being is...nope.) Even when I thought I might be asexual, it was another six years or so of just kind of waiting for myself to, I dunno, get comfortable with the idea and then desire it? Looking back, I can see that I had more than a platonic relationship with my best friend and roommate, but it didn't occur to me that I could actually say anything or see about expanding it into a formalized relationship if I couldn't feel sexual attraction to her. 

Oh. That's some solid comp allo for you. I literally had thoughts like "I wouldn't mind if we were dating" and "maybe someday finding women pretty will turn into sexual attraction and then I can tell her that I like her" and yet I somehow didn't actually realize I had a crush. Spent a while struggling to be sure I liked her romantically once I decided I was definitely ace, because it was so hard to understand a romantic relationship without sex. (I am demiromantic though, which made it harder.) I was aware that non-sexual non-platonic relationships existed, but only vaguely. And it somehow didn't occur to me that I could have such a relationship. I just didn't think that I could even consider having a non-platonic relationship unless I was open to having sex. 

[Sister Mercurial]

I grew up in a very traditional religious family, so they assumed one day I'd get married.  I wasn't so sure, because I've known for as long as I can remember that I didn't want kids.  However, when I found out the facts of life, I couldn't imagine doing that unless I had a pretty rock-solid lifelong commitment to someone.  

 

Then came the crushes/squishes/WTF were they?  At any rate, none were reciprocated, so I didn't face a crunch point with any of them.  And they confused the hell out of me re what sexual orientation I might be.  So maybe they were driven by the phenomenon you describe, but on the other hand, I hesitate to state that none of them were real because that seems revisionist.