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Being Single


SamiLynn

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I know that my family probably worries that I'm 34 and still single but I don't see it as a bad thing.  I would like to get married someday but I don't see what the rush is it's not like my biological clock is ticking since I can't have children anyways due to having Turner Syndrome.  Relationships can put a lot of pressure on a person.  There are a lot of things that make me hesitant about dating.  I've had some bad experiences and it never settled well with me.  Since I look so young for my age I often worry that if a guy does show interest in me is it because they are a pedophile and I'm someone of legal age they can get with and wont get arrested for.  I'm pretty sure that was the case for a couple of guys that I had been involved with.  I ended up finding out that they had been involved with underage age girls which just gives me the heebie jebees.  Now it's something that is in the back of my head. 

 

Talking to guys has always been hard for me.  I often get told I've gotta put myself out there and that a guy just isn't going to fall in my lap.  I feel so selfconscious about how young I look sometimes that I feel like if I were to try and approach a guy would he view me a kid would I have to whip out my ID to prove how old I am.  I know that it's most likely just a irrational fear.  

 

Also not being interested in sex will obviously be an obstacle. I've already experienced that even before I knew I was Asexual.  I'm also a Christian so I don't believe in sex before marriage anyways.  My ex boyfriend claimed he was ok with that and respected my decision but, clearly he didn't because he ended up cheating on me with his ex girlfriend.  I know he did that because I wasn't willing to have sex with him.  There was also a guy from my church who seemed interested in me so I took a chance I thought he would be understanding considering that fact that he attends Church.  I had explained right off that I wasn't interested in persuing a sexual relationship that I was saving myself for marriage again like I said this was before I knew I was Asexual.  The guy claimed he understood and that we could just get to know each other. After a while I found out he was hanging out with my older sister and she was going through some crap with her now ex husband and I ended up finding out he was trying to get down her pants.   Who could blame me for being hesitant about dating after going through something like that?

 

I feel like that if I'm in a social setting and a guy is interested in me he will take the initiative and approach me.  Since I look so young though that most likely will never happen though.  Talking to guys though is just so hard for me I'm pretty sure I suck at flirting I probably would just come off as hella awkward.

 

I'm sure that my family probably worries about financial security too but, I don't feel like getting into a relationship to make things easier on oneself financially is a good thing.  I'm no gold digger.  I've also been accused of being too picky but, that's not true.  The guys in my area all usually have a record and are pedophiles and druggies.  I'm sorry but, no thank you I'll pass.  Most of the decent guys are all taken.  They're either seriously dating, engaged, or married if there are decent single guys in my area I have yet to meet one.  I've been teased before about online dating and that I should try it.  I think most of those sites are just after money because you can't fully use the site unless you pay.  On top of that a lot of people on those dating sites are just looking to hook up.  I just don't think it would be for me.

 

I do want to be in a relationship and eventually get married but, being single isn't bad either.  I don't have to worry about trying to impress anyone or disappointing anyone if I don't live up to their standards. There is zero pressure.  I only have to worry about making myself happy.  Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm lonely I've got my friends and my family.  I see loneliness as more of a state of mind than an actual state of being you're only lonely if you let yourself be that way.

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Lord Jade Cross

Welcome to the club sister.

 

Honestly, I've been half an inch short of going ballistic a few times because of how repeatedly I've gotten the relationship questions and comments about how being single is this catastrophic, ultimate evil that must be avoided at all costs; always coming from divorcees and people who really have nothing good to say about their former partners, I'm just saying.

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@Jade Cross  I hear ya.  I often get crap from oldest sister about being single and she has had her fair share of failed relationships and  a failed marriage and I'm supposed to take advice from her.

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I feel ya. I found out I was ace about halfway through college. The last date I went on was YEARS before I realized what I was and it was awfuuuul. Super boring and made me question if people literally enjoy dates or are just straight up lying. Thinking about it now I'm pretty sure all the dates I've been on were because I felt pressure to seem "normal." My entire life I've listened to my friend's comments on my lack of a love life. Even from the friends who know I'm ace. In high school, a good portion of the people I knew thought I was gay but still in the closet simply because I didn't date while everyone around me had a new significant other every month. Even my then closest friend. She apparently even tried to subtly convince me or make me admit it. I didn't even know until years later when she told me that's what she was doing. And I've heard all the variations of "you're too pretty to be single," "your standards are too high, you need to lower them," "you know real guys aren't like Disney princes right?" "You'll feel differently with the right person." It's super annoying. I'm happy being single. I can literally do whatever I want, whenever. Like you said there's zero pressure. And it's WONDERFUL!!!

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@Geekykm  I don't mind going on dates as long as it was something fun.  I know what you mean my oldest sister would often accuse me of being a closeted lesbian just because I don't go chasing after every Tom, Dick, and Harry.  It's been years since I've had a boyfriend but I don't mind.

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auntjessie

I can relate so much to this, @SamiLynn. I just turned 33. I've been questioning as to whether or not I might be grayromantic because while I do want to get married and/or share my life with a companion who will go on adventures with me, I am also in no rush to join the dating scene. Granted, with Covid-19 going on, it's tough now anyways. But still, the thought of it is not appealing and I also am not the biggest fan of kissing/making out. Hold my hand. Cuddle all day, but making out grosses me out. So marriage may not be in the cards for me 😂

 

I've known for a long time I do not want to have children. That has nothing to do with being asexual; that's just my personal choice.

 

And yes, loneliness is a state of mind. There's nothing I love more than being alone after seeing and talking to people all day. I love being able to cook, watch TV, read, and know no one is going to bother me. It stems back to people who believe that they need someone to be happy. It's hard to explain that to people. I think all we can do is constantly assure our loved ones that we are okay. I get plenty of love, support, encouragement, and social scenes with my family and friends. If that is enough for you, but not enough for other people than it's them that have to change their perspective, not you.

 

Here if you'd like to talk more 💜

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@auntjessie It's cool to know that others go through this as well.  I'm Hetroromantic and it's hard to want to be in a relationship but know it will probably not work out once you explain to the guy that your Asexual and what that entails.  I have no problem with kissing and making out but the idea of things going much further than that is where I draw the line that's when I start going into panic mode I'm not sex repulsed or anything I just can't imagine going much further than that.

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