So, I tried to come out...but it didn't work

[Northern_Ace]

Hi everyone,

 

So I thought last Friday I'd try to come out and explain to my mum I'm asexual/aromantic.  She is familiar with the term asexual as we were discussing some musician who was asexual awhile ago, so I thought I'd give it a go. 

 

It didn't work - her reply was "I don't think you are" and that was it.  She thinks I've been put off men by my ex (I was married, now divorced, split and divorce totally unrelated to my ace-ness).  So, I guess I'll just lurk in the closet a while longer, it's very cosy in here

[MaryPenelope]

Parents fucking suck man

[Purple Red Panda]

Perhaps if you wrote down a sort of coming out statement in a letter explaining that you are asexual and that it's not just a reaction to a breakup and gave it to her to read then that might work better. It is sometimes easier to say exactly what you mean on paper and you don't have to worry about being interrupted or getting sidetracked.

[Caryne]

3 minutes ago, Purple Red Panda said:

Perhaps if you wrote down a sort of coming out statement in a letter explaining that you are asexual and that it's not just a reaction to a breakup and gave it to her to read then that might work better. It is sometimes easier to say exactly what you mean on paper and you don't have to worry about being interrupted or getting sidetracked.

I agree. Writing a letter allows you to be succinct and not waffle when expressing your emotions about where you’re at. When the topic is hard for me, I’m a terrible waffler and I get the glazed-over look if I’m thinking and talking through my thoughts simultaneously.

[Ace_SouthAfrica_87]

I think it's hard for parents to accept if their children are slightly different to others. Not all parents are the same. I kinda blame my parents for the psychological damage they caused me, and won't tell them anything regarding sexual orientation. My close friends are the ones I trust with my problems. I hope you can just be happy as you are and not resent them for their reaction. It's your life and you can make with it what you'd like. They can't think like you do and you can't think like they do. I wouldn't say it didn't work. You planted the seed and they will realize over time who you truly are. I think they come to terms with it eventually. 

 

All the best. 

[Scottthespy]

You seem to have taken it well, which is good. Here's something to consider to maybe put your mom's point of view into perspective:

We all grow up saying 'always' or 'never', only to change our mind in a week. I'll never like broccoli, I'll always love this toy. We're bad self analyzing, and tastes change as we experience new things. Our parents have watched us change out minds on 'always' things so many times, and remember doing it themselves when they were younger, so now they assume that anything too far out of the 'norm' is going to turn out to be temporary. Its not (usually) malicious, and its not done to discredit or erase your point of view, its just observing a trend in the nature of humanity in general. The longer a particular 'fad' lasts, the less people will be waiting for it to change.

As an anecdote towards this, it too my own mother seven years to stop waiting. I told her I was ace when I was seventeen, and she said 'Well I support you but that's going to change'. And she was supportive, telling others 'this is what she wants for now, I'm not going to push her into anything she doesn't want', but still waiting for it to change. Then, one day, when I was twenty four, she suddenly looked up from a book she was reading and announced, "I just realized I'm not expecting you to find a boyfriend anymore." It had taken years, but it had finally sunken in on a subconscious level that this wasn't a 'for now' situation. And she was still cool with it and supportive.

As long as your mother isn't pushing at you to get a partner, get going on that family and kids, get out there and start your life the 'right' way, I'd say just let it lay. You did the coming out, now the idea is in her head. The longer you go without contradicting the idea, the more it will sink in and the less she'll be expecting it to change. Might take years, and she might never have an unprompted moment of conscious realization, but people have an amazing ability to get used to just about anything. She'll most likely get used to this, in time.

[HonoraryJedi]

4 hours ago, Northern_Ace said:

"I don't think you are"

Lol yes. Because its what she thinks that really matters here x)

 

You told her. You're out. What she thinks about it doesn't really change things, in that regard.

 

I have a pretty similar experience with my parents as the spy above me, honestly. She can come to it in her own time.

[Isa20]

On 7/1/2020 at 5:22 AM, Northern_Ace said:

reply was "I don't think you are" and that was it. 

I had such a similar experience, except my mom explained to me why she didn’t think I was graysexual (decided I identify more with demisexual and heteromantic now). She decided that because of my autism that I identified with some aspects of graysexual because I’m not as mature. Now I need to figure out how to come out to her again in way that’s not going to make her dismissive. I like the the ideas above about writing a letter, I often find that writing a letter allows me to sort out my thoughts. I also suggest maybe reminding your mom that basically no one (except asexuals) come out as asexual after a breakup.