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gray-a girl

Why are cupiosexuals generally invalidated on AVEN but demisexuals are not?

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1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:



I do find it interesting that a couple of demisexuals on here aren't identifying as asexual. But I assume they identify as aspec?


Personally, I ID as sexual, not "aspec" or asexual. I dont believe asexuality should be a spectrum, as it is a zero point (asexual). Whereas sexuality is a spectrum and I see myself as higher towards the sexual slider than the asexual slider (say asexual is black and sexual is white and all the in between bits are grey..  I would put it somewhere in a lighter grey closer to sexual than asexual). Like, besides the fact I want no one else sexually in any way, there is nothing else separating me from any other married sexual person. So I'm just more monogamous by nature than other people. 



1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:

P.s. I got to say... two drawers of sex toys? Wow that's a lot...


Heh, my partner and I are into BDSM and collars, gags, etc take up a fair amount of space. 😛



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Nowhere Girl
4 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

But, I am counting attraction as being turned on by everything but manual stimulation).

Wait, do I understand it correctly? Why do you specifically exclude manual stimulation?

I remember some of your previous arguments - sorry if you don't like them being brought up - but anyway, there too you seemed strangely tied to the idea that "fingers and toys" don't count as partnered sex "because it's very similar to what a person can do alone". Indeed, I very much disagree about this point, and for several reasons. First, I believe that only participation of a partner in the act is what changes a sexual activity from "autoeroticism or almost that" to "partnered sex", and not the kind of activities two people do. Second - because excluding such stuff is invalidating and condescending to lesbians, it contributes to the idea that two women can't have Real Sex (and therefore there's also nothing to worry about, nothing to treat seriously, it's not even an orientation, just some fun stuff two chickz do). I wrote pretty much the same yesterday, in another topic - someone asking whether wanting to caress a girl's boobs is sexual attraction. I, personally, don't want to have any kind of partnered sex, but I will also keep arguing that we should abandon ideas about "right" and "wrong" ways to have sex. What counts is what the partners enjoy (plus also, of course, other issues such as clear mutual consent and safety), and not what is recognised by the society as "sex" rather than "foreplay", "petting" etc. There is too much very harmful fixation on heterosexual PIV intercourse being the fullest actualisation of sex - and then other sex acts are judged according to the extent to which they are comparable with this model. If there is no penetration of a body part with a body part, it's very often not recognised as "Real Sex", only enjoying this kind of sexual activity and not wanting to "go further" is often perceived as "immature". Why? People should be free to have the kind of partnered intimacy they desire - also if it means something most people consider to be "petting" rather than "sex", also if it means just looking into each other's eyes, also if it means no partnered intimacy.


And, in fact, I do have an anti-label approach to some extent - at least in the sense that knowledge of sexual diversity should be widespread enough that people shouldn't even have to label their feelings if they don't want to (or find themselves, at this point in their lives, unable to decide on a label). They should be allowed to figure out what kind of sexual contact they desire - if any - without sociocultural pressure. It really includes so many facets... as I wrote: not pressuring people into doing stuff they are not ready for (or might never desire and/or enjoy) just because PIV and comparable activities are perceived as "fuller" and "more mature". It also means, for example, abandoning double standards, acknowledging that anyone might not want to have sex for whatever reason, instead of allowing only people who already identify as asexual to undertake no sexual activity. It also means, generally, giving queer people (including asexuals) the same authority on their feelings, the same acknowledgement of agency, which is awarded to straight people. See how both gay and asexual young people are often disbelieved, treated as if they were unable to know their orientation unless they "experiment", "try other options" - but these doubts are never applied to straight people. This is all, basically, fighting against heteronormativity and against sociocultural conditions in which some people (such as women, trans people, intersex people, people with a low libido...) are denied autonomy and the right to sexual agency.

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