Jump to content
gray-a girl

Why are cupiosexuals generally invalidated on AVEN but demisexuals are not?

Recommended Posts

gray-a girl

I’ve been invalidated here so many times it isn’t even funny. Because I identify as cupiosexual. I’ve even been invalidated a lot since AVEN put new rules into play, forbidding people from invalidating others and telling them that they’re not asexual or that they’re sexual.

 

Note- if you want to tell me I’m not asexual do not do it. It’s against AVEN rules and I’ve heard it dozens of times before, I’m so sick of it.

 

Despite saying that, I’m pretty sure that some very unwelcoming person on here will go on to tell me I’m really sexual or just a snowflake, since it’s happened so many times before. Generally I have been avoiding AVEN and I will

probably regret, again, posting here.

 

However I have a question that’s really bothering me. My question is, why aren't demisexuals invalidated as much as cupiosexuals? Demisexuals do like sex and I honestly think they’re closer to sexual on the asexual spectrum than I am as a cupiosexual. (Still asexual of course but it just seems that on the spectrum they fall closer to sexual than a cupiosexual would, since we never experience sexual attraction). So why does it seem like they’re not constantly invalidated here but I am?
 

Or am I missing something and they are invalidated in every post they make too?

 

So far my going theory is that there are just many more demisexuals out there. But I just wanted to post this question because I don’t get it, why they are accepted here but I’m not.

 

And again I’m sure someone will invalidate me here, it always happens. I will probably regret posting here again. This has been a horribly unwelcoming, nasty community towards me. Some people are nice but their voices are always drowned out by people telling me what my orientation is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ItsAlwaysPrideDay

I don't know why. I thought I was cupioromantic for awhile and I had people say it isn't really on the aromantic spectrum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
OptimisticPessimist

I'm sorry that's happened. Your correct. it is against TOS to invalidate. You are welcome here, and you can report or contact a admin/mod. The forums do not reflect AVEN as a whole. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Depends what you mean by 'invalidated'. I will pretty much always tell people who want to have sex with other people that they're unlikely to be asexual. I don't personally consider demisexuals to be asexual.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening

Ceebs is right, demis aren't ace ace, we're just aspec. And the same goes for cupiosexuals.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

It's perfectly ok for people who aren't asexual to have experiences that are similar to those of aces and to be able to relate, hang out on AVEN, etc. I just get confused as to why some people use labels that straight-up don't describe themselves. What's so bad about not being asexual? What's it even matter what term you use anyway? The main thing is being comfortable with yourself and seeking out relationships that are a good match.

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening
3 minutes ago, CBC said:

It's perfectly ok for people who aren't asexual to have experiences that are similar to those of aces and to be able to relate, hang out on AVEN, etc

*Happy demi hug*

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer

AVEN is pretty much a lost case in this regard anyway.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Borderline
Posted (edited)

Aww, as someone who joined yesterday, I'm sorry to hear that. . .

 

Part of the reason might be, that concept of sexual attraction is alien to most pure asexuals, and they don't understand the difference between sexual attraction & someone wanting into sexual relationship (I just wikied Cupio, which is part of the problem: it isn't widely known). I don't even quite understand it. Tho if I had to guess, one could think of it as really close to asexuals who masturbate, but cupios prefer to do the act with other human body. The stimulus is basically same, and in addition there is closeness with the partner. But you feel no sexual attraction towards your partner. Only the act. Even if you romantically or platonically very much still like your partner. (Do correct if my wild hypothesizing is utter bs false).

 

I accept you to ace-spectrum. It can be bit confusing that the spectrum is named after it's most solid strict sexuality. Cupio might be under GreyAce. Demi is under, on my view, GreyAce. And whatever I am is likely under GreyAce. We all feel alienated, in a way, by allosexuals. Some of us just haven't gotten the full blessing/curse of being free of our body's needs. I dunno.

 

. . . yee I've got nothing more, I don't know enough of who have wronged you, about cupiosexuality, about the common idea of Aspec. . . 🖤💜🤍❤️

 

 

Edited by Borderline
Tried to make the GreyAce part less strict on classifying what is what.
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
frostboot

I'm  really sorry you're being invalidated on aven!

This is a large community so it's unavoidable that  people have clashing opinions, but I don't really understand the mindset when ace people, who are always being gatekept and erased, gatekeep and erase others. I think a lot of asexuals have internalised the mindset of unnecessary "snowflake" identities. Like asexuality is real and valid, and demisexuality is also pretty widely discussed, but cupiosexual? Now you're just making things up for attention. Of course, this is the exact same thing allos say about a- and demisexuality.

 

Who gets hurt by including a wider spectrum of identities under the asexual umbrella? Literally no one, except for maybe purveyors of respectability politics, and I really have no energy to deal with them. 

 

Also great to see that people are so unable to keep their opinions to themselves that they explicitly go against the OP's wishes. /s

I hope you'll find a place where you feel safe! There are so many wonderful people on aven who appreciate you for who you are, but I understand that the negative comments are always heard the loudest. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock
54 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

My question is, why aren't demisexuals invalidated as much as cupiosexuals?

I think it's because of a disagreement about the definition of asexuality.

To me, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, so cupiosexuals would be a type of asexual.

But there are others on the forum that define asexuality as a lack of desire for sexual relationships, which leaves cupiosexuals out.

 

The comment below offers a possible explanation for the disagreement as well,

9 minutes ago, Borderline said:

Part of the reason might be, that concept of sexual attraction is alien to most pure asexuals, and they don't understand the difference between sexual attraction & someone wanting into sexual relationship (I just wikied Cupio, which is part of the problem: it isn't widely known).

 

But beyond offering an answer to your question, I must say that I'm sorry.
I don't want anyone to feel unwelcome here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
20 minutes ago, frostboot said:

Also great to see that people are so unable to keep their opinions to themselves that they explicitly go against the OP's wishes.

This is a discussion forum, the point is discussion regarding the topic of (a)sexuality. Nothing wrong with someone making a point or giving their own view respectfully. If people break the ToS, they get a warning. I've deserved most or all of my warnings I'm sure, on the basis of having broken the site rules (although I may not agree with all of those rules).

 

If someone wants to vent without any input from others, that's more what blogs (with commenting ability turned off) are for.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mackenzie Holiday

My understanding of why invalidation occurs the way it does here boils down to people having conflicting reasons for finding “asexual“ a useful label. Some people find asexual a useful label because it plainly communicates that they are not and will never be interested in a sexual relationship with anyone, no matter what anyone else might do. Others find it useful for expressing how utterly alienating their subjective experience around sex is when they can’t find anyone attractive. People in the first group might feel like the asexual label will be less helpful to them if people in the second are interested in sex for reasons other than attraction, and people in the second group will have trouble feeling like they’re not broken or defective if they’re told they can’t identify as asexual should they happen to want sexual interactions for whatever reason. I think the reason demisexuals don’t get invalidated so much is because demisexuals for the most part don’t equate their overall experience with those of asexuals, so people don’t tend to feel like the usefulness of the asexual label is being threatened.
 

Personally, I think the label asexual is best used when it effectively communicates something that would be relevant to a potential partner, whether that’s a lack of innate desire for sex, or a lack of attraction to anyone, those are both relevant things to communicate to a potential partner, and they’re both things no one should have to feel weird, wrong, or broken for feeling.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BlakeTheNightowl~

yeah agreed ^^ 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

i am technically demisexual, as I've only been interested in a sexual relationship with one person, my wife. And only after 6 or so months of dating. 

 

However, I don't ID as asexual, because... I don't feel like demisexual is asexual. So, I just use sexual. I don't run into any issues because I'm not saying "I have two drawers of sex toys, I have sex with my wife at least once a week, we both love it, we both desire each other and I am asexual". 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BlakeTheNightowl~
Posted (edited)

demisexual would be on it's own label and so is cupio is a preference 

Edited by BlakeTheNightowl~
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus DarkFox

A reminder to tread very carefully with wording as a pre-request.  Members are free to report anything that even feels invalidating, then we as Admods can sort it all out.  This is a discussion on a question, not a personal identity policing,  I may have to actively monitor this as may lead down the same track as last time, I'll also like to avoid Definition Debating as that's not he question.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
11 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

A reminder to tread very carefully with wording as a pre-request.  Members are free to report anything that even feels invalidating, then we as Admods can sort it all out.  This is a discussion on a question, not a personal identity policing,  I may have to actively monitor this as may lead down the same track as last time, I'll also like to avoid Definition Debating as that's not he question.

Well, if anyone reports me ... I've only said my own reasons for 1) Not IDing as ace and 2) Not running into any issues despite being "demisexual"  :P So unless you guys vote funny, I'm not worried. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SithApprentice

I consider cupiosexuality something strange that differs depending on how one defines asexuality. So I view it as a form of asexuality or something very close to it. I don't consider demisexuals the same because they do experience sexual attraction even if it's only under certain situations. But as others have said, both would be aspec at the least. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Honestly, if you hate this place so much, what keeps you coming back?

 

All these threads I see from you basically amount to "this place suuuuucked and it likely still suuuuucks" and I'm not expecting this to change by the time you make the next one.

 

Quote

I'll also like to avoid Definition Debating as that's not he question.

It is literally impossible to address the topic title's question without also getting into the definition of these terms and why they do/don't fit.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nowhere Girl

It seems to me that "sexual attraction" is a very confusing term and I definitely prefer the desire-based definition of asexuality.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GiftedWithSingleness
2 hours ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

Personally, I think the label asexual is best used when it effectively communicates something that would be relevant to a potential partner

This is why it doesn't make sense to me to define sexual attraction as "looking at someone and immediately wanting to have sex with them", as some people seem to want to do. As if people regularly have conversations like this:

 

"I want to have sex with you because you're good-looking."

"I also want to have sex with you, but it's not because of your looks."

"Yeah, this relationship isn't going to work."

 

Seriously, does that sort of thing ever happen? Sure, I suppose that looks might come up in conversation from time to time, but this sort of thing seems like a very minor inconvenience. By contrast, if one person doesn't want to have sex at all or isn't drawn to their partner in that way, that's going to make the relationship a lot more difficult, even if they're perfectly willing to have sex.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

It seems to me that "sexual attraction" is a very confusing term and I definitely prefer the desire-based definition of asexuality.

Yep, same... probably because it seems the most logical and straightforward to me. When we're trying to define 'sexual attraction', there are way too many grey areas.

 

(Heh, 'grey'...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gray-a girl
4 hours ago, Borderline said:

Aww, as someone who joined yesterday, I'm sorry to hear that. . .

 

Part of the reason might be, that concept of sexual attraction is alien to most pure asexuals, and they don't understand the difference between sexual attraction & someone wanting into sexual relationship (I just wikied Cupio, which is part of the problem: it isn't widely known). I don't even quite understand it. Tho if I had to guess, one could think of it as really close to asexuals who masturbate, but cupios prefer to do the act with other human body. The stimulus is basically same, and in addition there is closeness with the partner. But you feel no sexual attraction towards your partner. Only the act. Even if you romantically or platonically very much still like your partner. (Do correct if my wild hypothesizing is utter bs false).

 

I accept you to ace-spectrum. It can be bit confusing that the spectrum is named after it's most solid strict sexuality. Cupio might be under GreyAce. Demi is under, on my view, GreyAce. And whatever I am is likely under GreyAce. We all feel alienated, in a way, by allosexuals. Some of us just haven't gotten the full blessing/curse of being free of our body's needs. I dunno.

 

. . . yee I've got nothing more, I don't know enough of who have wronged you, about cupiosexuality, about the common idea of Aspec. . . 🖤💜🤍❤️

 

 

 

I think thats probably very true. How can you understand something you've never experienced? And your comment about asexuals that masterbate... and just preferring to do it with a partner for various (non- attraction) reasons, hits the nail on the head. Your hypothesis is right. For me, I'm kinky, it's the only thing that turns me on, but some kinks are pretty much impossible to do alone. I'm not talking about silk scarves by the way, but some of the more extreme stuff. My biggest kink is not, by itself, to non-kinky people, sexual in any way. It just is to me. And it requires another person for it to work.

 

 

3 hours ago, frostboot said:

I'm  really sorry you're being invalidated on aven!

This is a large community so it's unavoidable that  people have clashing opinions, but I don't really understand the mindset when ace people, who are always being gatekept and erased, gatekeep and erase others. I think a lot of asexuals have internalised the mindset of unnecessary "snowflake" identities. Like asexuality is real and valid, and demisexuality is also pretty widely discussed, but cupiosexual? Now you're just making things up for attention. Of course, this is the exact same thing allos say about a- and demisexuality.

 

Who gets hurt by including a wider spectrum of identities under the asexual umbrella? Literally no one, except for maybe purveyors of respectability politics, and I really have no energy to deal with them. 

 

Also great to see that people are so unable to keep their opinions to themselves that they explicitly go against the OP's wishes. /s

I hope you'll find a place where you feel safe! There are so many wonderful people on aven who appreciate you for who you are, but I understand that the negative comments are always heard the loudest. 

 

I think that's true. Cupiosexuals, apparently, are rare. I heard one person say we are 1% of the asexual/aspec community. I also don't understand why people who are often erased and invalidated turn around and do so to others.

 

 

3 hours ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

My understanding of why invalidation occurs the way it does here boils down to people having conflicting reasons for finding “asexual“ a useful label. Some people find asexual a useful label because it plainly communicates that they are not and will never be interested in a sexual relationship with anyone, no matter what anyone else might do. Others find it useful for expressing how utterly alienating their subjective experience around sex is when they can’t find anyone attractive. People in the first group might feel like the asexual label will be less helpful to them if people in the second are interested in sex for reasons other than attraction, and people in the second group will have trouble feeling like they’re not broken or defective if they’re told they can’t identify as asexual should they happen to want sexual interactions for whatever reason. I think the reason demisexuals don’t get invalidated so much is because demisexuals for the most part don’t equate their overall experience with those of asexuals, so people don’t tend to feel like the usefulness of the asexual label is being threatened.
 

Personally, I think the label asexual is best used when it effectively communicates something that would be relevant to a potential partner, whether that’s a lack of innate desire for sex, or a lack of attraction to anyone, those are both relevant things to communicate to a potential partner, and they’re both things no one should have to feel weird, wrong, or broken for feeling.

You also hit the nail on the head. I don't really relate to people who have sexual crushes (or any crushes actually) and I find it a useful label to be open and communicate with my partner. I think you are also right that some people want to use the asexual label as a way to say that they don't ever want sex, ever, under any circumstances. They probably feel like, if cupiosexuals are included, some people will be expecting them to want sex. But, I think, this can be mitigated by education- basically explaining that cupiosexuals are rare, and that most asexuals don't want sex. I'm happy to explain that when I explain my orientation, and I always do mention that. I don't want sex repulsed or sex indifferent asexuals to feel pressured into sex.

I think also, I am basically seeing asexual = aspec. I use the terms interchangeably. I think, when you go outside of the asexual community, that makes sense. I also don't think I'm the only one that sees it this way. But maybe people who are not just aspec, but "pure" asexual, get miffed about this. Also when I look up the definition of cupiosexual, it does state that it is a type of asexual.

 

 

3 hours ago, Serran said:

i am technically demisexual, as I've only been interested in a sexual relationship with one person, my wife. And only after 6 or so months of dating. 

 

However, I don't ID as asexual, because... I don't feel like demisexual is asexual. So, I just use sexual. I don't run into any issues because I'm not saying "I have two drawers of sex toys, I have sex with my wife at least once a week, we both love it, we both desire each other and I am asexual". 

I guess the main reason I "ID" as asexual is because I see asexual as synonymous with aspec. So when I say "I'm asexual" you can translate that to "I'm aspec". To be they are synonymous... maybe I should consider using the term aspec here, to avoid arguments, even though I feel like, it should be the same thing as asexual. I also cannot really relate to sexuals. I think I'm probably a bit demi-romantic as well, though sometimes I feel a sort of emotional attraction to people... like I want to get to know them better and they seem like cool people, and it would be nice to be emotionally close to them. But on the other hand I don't like kissing, and take a looong time to fall in love with someone, if it happens at all. Even so, I don't know if demi-romantic fits. Maybe, maybe not.

I am thinking of just using the term aspec on here to avoid arguments, even though to me its the same thing as asexual. (And there are others that see it this way as well, from what I've read). That being said, I can't really relate to sexuals, so I don't really consider myself one. But, hey, if it avoids arguments, I can use the term aspec.

I do find it interesting that a couple of demisexuals on here aren't identifying as asexual. But I assume they identify as aspec?

Awhile ago I was IDing as a sex favorable asexual, but decided to change it to cupiosexual for a couple of reasons. First, I looked up the definition of sex favorable asexual, and it was not quite right. (I had assumed it to be one thing, but it was not). Second, it gives the "you're not asexual" people a chance to have their way and not get into an argument, yet allows me to use a word that defines me and has useful purposes. I can side-step that entire argument altogether, because people can think what they want about cupiosexuals, (they are asexual, or they're not asexual) and it wouldn't even come up in the conversation. 

I do sort of dislike the sound of the word, though, sounds kind of dumb, but I'll have to live with it. I also read arguments by people against IDing as cupiosexual (and instead arguing to ID as sex favorable asexual) that were pretty compelling, which is why I didn't use the word originally, but I think at this point with so many people falling on the "yes asexual, no asexual" argument, its just easier to use cupiosexual.

I do kind of feel like on the asexual spectrum, though, that demisexuals are closer to sexual than asexual compared to cupiosexuals. 

P.s. I got to say... two drawers of sex toys? Wow that's a lot...

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Honestly, if you hate this place so much, what keeps you coming back?

 

All these threads I see from you basically amount to "this place suuuuucked and it likely still suuuuucks" and I'm not expecting this to change by the time you make the next one.

 

It is literally impossible to address the topic title's question without also getting into the definition of these terms and why they do/don't fit.

I've been burned a lot here. I'm basically begging people, in my OP, to not go there again. I keep returning because I keep hoping that things will be different. (And yay! So far they are in this thread!!) And also, I sometimes have a question or thought that really only relates to the asexual/aspec community. Like this one. I'm sort of getting my answer a little... demisexuals aren't IDing as asexual is that right? But (I think?) instead, as aspec? I see them as one in the same, but other people I guess do not. To me, I cannot really relate to sexuals. I can relate better to asexuals, even the ones that don't want sex. There was a time I did not want PiV sex,  at all, though mostly because it hurts often. Not really an orientation reason, to be fair, but I can also simultaneously relate to not having an innate desire for sex, since I've usually had a low libido throughout my life. I guess the biggest thing, though, is  I cannot relate to how sexuals feel attraction to others.  I cannot relate to desiring someone.

 

I do want to say though that anyone railing against me Iding as asexual... (privately, in their minds)... please just translate asexual = aspec because thats how I'm using the term. But if forced to choose asexual or sexual, I feel I relate more to asexual.

Yeah, I'm really considering just using the term aspec when here instead  of asexual, even though I don't consider myself sexual. I really dislike the arguments and people can hold their own private beliefs and not getting into arguments with me if I use that term. It just sort of side-steps it. It's kind of irritating that I feel pressured into having to do this, but, I really am tired of the arguments and invalidation.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gray-a girl
5 minutes ago, GiftedWithSingleness said:

This is why it doesn't make sense to me to define sexual attraction as "looking at someone and immediately wanting to have sex with them", as some people seem to want to do. As if people regularly have conversations like this:

 

"I want to have sex with you because you're good-looking."

"I also want to have sex with you, but it's not because of your looks."

"Yeah, this relationship isn't going to work."

 

Seriously, does that sort of thing ever happen? Sure, I suppose that looks might come up in conversation from time to time, but this sort of thing seems like a very minor inconvenience. By contrast, if one person doesn't want to have sex at all or isn't drawn to their partner in that way, that's going to make the relationship a lot more difficult, even if they're perfectly willing to have sex.

I define sexual attraction as, being aroused by the person. I think it doesn't necessarily mean they want to have sex with the person... but they are aroused by them. If that's not sexual attraction, then I have absolutely no idea what sexual attraction is. Some people define it as "wanting to have sex with a person" which, I think is the same thing basically. But I never really look at someone and want to have sex with them, either. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Ok so, say that... let's go with 'Fred'... say that Fred literally never gets a boner from looking at hot people. He loves his partner, but also doesn't get aroused just from looking at them either, regardless of whether they're conventionally 'hot'. But, Fred loves sex. When he's in a sexual situation with someone (and let's say that he's had casual hookups and also been in love), he gets aroused because sexual stuff is happening. He can't imagine living without partnered sex, and on top of that, he has a fairly high libido and likes to have quite a lot of sex.

 

Is he really asexual?

 

Note: I'm NOT saying that's exactly your personal experience. Just curious how you'd ID this hypothetical person.

 

Also that's not exactly my own experience either, but it's also not that far off. I've only ever gotten aroused by my partners (literally none of whom have been conventionally hot) when we've been interacting in a sexual manner. I also don't get physically aroused by random hot people, though.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mackenzie Holiday
11 minutes ago, GiftedWithSingleness said:

This is why it doesn't make sense to me to define sexual attraction as "looking at someone and immediately wanting to have sex with them", as some people seem to want to do.

There are definitely a lot of things someone might find attractive about another person besides their looks. It could be their personality, their dependability, their sense of humor, the list goes on. However, if someone just needs an extra set of hands in order to enjoy themselves to the fullest but doesn't find anything sexually appealing about their partner (or anyone else) whatsoever, would their partner really feel desired? I know I wouldn't. And I feel like that could potentially make a relationship just as difficult as one in which they didn't want sex to be a component of the relationship at all.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gray-a girl
12 minutes ago, CBC said:

Ok so, say that... let's go with 'Fred'... say that Fred literally never gets a boner from looking at hot people. He loves his partner, but also doesn't get aroused just from looking at them either, regardless of whether they're conventionally 'hot'. But, Fred loves sex. When he's in a sexual situation with someone (and let's say that he's had casual hookups and also been in love), he gets aroused because sexual stuff is happening. He can't imagine living without partnered sex, and on top of that, he has a fairly high libido and likes to have quite a lot of sex.

 

Is he really asexual?

 

Note: I'm NOT saying that's exactly your personal experience. Just curious how you'd ID this hypothetical person.

 

Also that's not exactly my own experience either, but it's also not that far off. I've only ever gotten aroused by my partners (literally none of whom have been conventionally hot) when we've been interacting in a sexual manner. I also don't get physically aroused by random hot people, though.

Am I allowed to comment on this since you say it's your experience? Well you are asking so I hope its ok. Not referring to you, but, with this hypothetical person, I would identify them as sexual probably, because they are getting aroused when sexual stuff is happening. When the clothes are off, and kissing happens, or touching, or whatever, he or she is being turned on. (Let me say that I'm not counting....manual stimulation... as "getting aroused when sexual stuff happens". I think, anyone, when... touched a certain way...will get aroused. Some might feel sexual pleasure, some might just get a physical response. But, I am counting attraction as being turned on by everything but manual stimulation).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gray-a girl
6 minutes ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

There are definitely a lot of things someone might find attractive about another person besides their looks. It could be their personality, their dependability, their sense of humor, the list goes on. However, if someone just needs an extra set of hands in order to enjoy themselves to the fullest but doesn't find anything sexually appealing about their partner (or anyone else) whatsoever, would their partner really feel desired? I know I wouldn't. And I feel like that could potentially make a relationship just as difficult as one in which they didn't want sex to be a component of the relationship at all.

Thank you. That is my experience. I suppose I could always fake it... but, there is nothing about a person, (looks, personality, sense of humor, etc) that I find attractive. It sounds kind of cold, but when it comes to the sexual part of it, they are a set of hands (metaphorically speaking, when it comes to kink). Emotionally, they are more than that... a valued person, and someone I hope to get close to emotionally. But sexually... there's nothing about them them makes me interested (with the exception of emotional interest...)

I also want to say, thank you everyone for not devolving this conversation into one of invalidation.

I would also like to hear from more demi-sexuals... do you ID as sexual rather than asexual? Do you ID as being aspec on top of that? I heard from two demisexuals so far, just want to know if more feel that way. It would go a long way in explaining why they aren't being invalidated in the same way on AVEN.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
14 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Am I allowed to comment on this since you say it's your experience? Well you are asking so I hope its ok.

Yep, definitely ok. People are welcome to provide input if I put the question out there.

 

14 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Let me say that I'm not counting....manual stimulation... as "getting aroused when sexual stuff happens".

No, I wouldn't automatically count that either. I had sex with my very asexual ex quite a number of times and he's perfectly capable of physical arousal when sex gets going.

 

Anyway, ok, thanks. Just curious.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...