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ConfusedTeen.

*internal screaming* Heellppp idkwtf(rick) is going on

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ConfusedTeen.

*major internal screaming* hi! As the title implies, I am both screaming and dying inside And I don’t know who I am anymore and I can’t talk to anyone about it so I’m just ranting on here. 
 

So basically for the past month I’ve been thinking “when I’m older i think I want to wear a binder sometimes and sometimes not/dress fem Some days and masc Others/ I wouldn’t care if someone were to call me he if I was dressing masc etc. all the while I had no idea what this meant, like how I would identify and stuff. so basically I’ve come to a realisation lately that I might be bigender/gender fluid/non binary/maybe even trans idek at this point. 
 

as a kid I had really short hair, didn’t like dresses (still don’t lie dresses) And stuff so people would sometimes mistake me as a guy, when they did I didn’t care and I just like smiled cause it made me think like ‘haha you have been fooled, I was born a girl’ but I wouldn’t correct them, I just let them call me he and I was kinda cool/nice. Also as a kid I wanted to be called Sam (don’t ask me why cause I don’t know I just did) but didn’t tell anyone. When I was younger I played with action figures Etc and whenever my brother got some cool movie poster or LEGO I would be upset because I got some weird make up kit (I was like five anyways I didn’t even know how to use it). I kind of thought ‘that’s unfair, cant anyone see that I like LEGO and cool posters too?’. It made me feel like no one noticed me kind of (I know that probably sounds dumb) but On the other hand I also used to be fascinated by ‘girl’ things such as doll houses and shiny things. But there would also be some days (this happened lees often but it still happened) where I would wear full on ‘girly girl’ things like pink dressed and stuff and then the next day I’d go back to just wearing more masc clothes. 
 

I was raised in a Christian household and never even knew terms like ‘gay’ existed until middle school, it is only now dawning on me that I might be something like gender fluid etc.

 

I’ve thought about it a lot and I think I might feel some symptoms of gender dysphoria like: I don’t like my boobs, I wish they were smaller/I’ve always wanted to be more flat chested but not like completely and most of the time they’re just uncomfortable, I don’t like my genitalia (but even if I changed it I think I still wouldn’t like it if that makes sense?), I wish my hair was shorter, I wish my face structure/jaw was More defined etc. but ive found that like, even if I had the opposite genders genitalia I still wouldn’t like it (I wish I didn’t have any, that probably sounds weird) these feeling fluctuate though, sometimes I’m comfortable with my boobs and stuff and other times it just feels, like wrong or something, it changes randomly. I still think I’m asexual Though cause even if I had different genitalia I wouldn’t want the sexy times.
 

I’m known to overthink things so even though I think I might be bigender my mind just goes ‘or maybe your trans and this is all just internalised homophobia (genderphobia???? I have no idea)‘ so yeah, that’s..... ffuuunnnn *heavy sarcasm*


I’m still living at home so haven’t really had the chance to experiment (e.g wear a binder, cut my hair, try to look more masc some times etc.) but I did Lock myself in my bathroom one time so I could tuck my hair into a beanie to make it look short and I think it looked Cool And I loved it. 
 

just for reference: I get my pants in the girls isle (more comfy), I only buy shirts from the guys isle (my friends have noticed so if they Get me shirts they get them from the men’s omg I love my friends) and I get shoes based on if they look cool/I don’t shop for shoes based on isle (same with socks).  
 

I also took a bunch of quizzes, here are the results: 

cis = 1 

trans = 1 

nonbinary = 2 

bigender = 2 (this is the one I feel most related to but I’m still unsure, I relate more to gender fluid when I researched what it was?) 

 

here’s what I know: 

- I like girls, I have never liked a guy 

- I dont like sex (no matter what genitalia) 

- when I’m older I want do dress as female some days and masculine other days

- I want to cut my hair 

- I want to wear a binder sometimes 

- I feel good about being called ‘he’ if I am wearing masculine clothes 

- I don’t want to get surgery or take hormones 

- I want to be referred to as ‘she’ when presenting fem 

- I want to wear a long wig sometimes if I’m in fem clothes 

- I wouldn’t really care being called ‘they’ But wouldn’t say I identify as they to people 
- sometimes I feel very uncomfortable with my boobs and the other parts and other times it doesn’t bother me 

- I probably experience some form of dysphoria?

- this is confusing and I hate it

- i don’t have time for a crisis I need to do good in school haha

- I am in need of assistance 

- this message is really long, if you’re still reading thank you so much it means a lot 


Sorry, this text thing was reallllyyyyy long, if you read it thank you so much that really means a lot to me 😊 . if I Accidentally offend anyone that wasn’t my intention sorry if I did I didn’t mean to.

 

Please leave a comment on your thoughts/opinions, it’s really helpful and even if you just say something like ‘same/I relate’ that’s also really great and reassuring. again, thanks so much for reading, have a good day/night (depending on time zones) 😊👌


 

 

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Borderline

As always, this is just my thoughts, the final call on what and who you are comes from you and only you.

I'd recommend researching on "Gender-fluid", most commonly it refers to someone whose gender or gender expression fluctuates between male & female.

 

( Someone somewhere said "toys traditionally targeted at boys (like space ships) are exiting, so it's understandable if any kid is interested in them. Toys traditionally targeted at girls (like dollhouses) are more humane, so it is natural that any kid might radiate towards them". )

 

I can't judge yous dysphoria. It can very well be gender dysphoria. But your dysphoria might also just be a mix of not overall being fan of some features of your body. Big breasts are uncomfortable & big. Genitalia looks gross & is socially seen as a sex object. And we might just not like how we look, compared to the taste of aesthetics we've learned to prefer along our lives. Or you might not like how you look compared to how you yourself might want to identify looking as.

 

Get that shorter hair, eventually. You might even slowly start getting shorter hair cuts. Buy that binder. Get that wig. Experiment with yourself. Play with different genders. You can take it as drag or cosplay if you want~, just get to know how you'd look, how many different ways you can look, & what you think of that, do you like that?

 

I don't know any genderfluid people, but your case reminds me of the term.
Or you might be like some of us who are bored with the thought of only getting "one character" to playthrough this life, would be much more interesting to try out being different, looking good in other way than your current representation or body allows. Not having to lock away your previous body if you'd like to experiment being different. I dunno.

 

There are no rules for being a human. Go wild, be yourself & what ever else you'd feel like.

Hope you can find yourself~

 

. . . 🤍

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ConfusedTeen.

Thank your so much for reading @Borderline! Your opinion was so helpful and reassuring, it means a lot and I will definitely take into consideration what you’ve said. Thank you and it you haven’t found yourself yet then i also hope you can do that, if you have already then that’s great and I congratulate you! have a nice day/night! 😊👌

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