Crazy Bird Lady Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 I think I kind of always knew I was asexual. I had partners but never liked physical intimacy and generally got more anxiety than pleasure out of romantic relationships. That was alright though because I always had my closest friends to form the close, personal, platonic relationships that I wanted. Sooner or later though, we grow up. The world has these unwritten rules that you start to notice as an asexual; Most people are either in a sexual relationship or are pursuing one. The close personal relationships that I and many other asexuals crave seem to occur as a temporary replacement until they find another sexual partner and put less and less energy into other relationships. I remember when everyone was first thinking about dating and sex I was confused. People would rather go on dates with one person and have sex and kiss than sit around in a group of friends and watch movies and act dumb and just have a good, friendly time? I thought they were the weird ones! Until I realized that I seemed to be the only one with this opinion. At about this time my friends slowly started drifting on to their sexual, adult lives and of course I was happy they were finding "their person," but at the same time it's felt like I've been losing my people. I slowly lost that close connection with most of my friends until there was just one and I clung so tightly to that connection. The day they got a partner, I knew major change was coming. Now instead of talking for hours on the phone and hanging out with this person every day, I call only to get sent to voicemail. I become so excited once they pick up only for them to hang up a couple minutes later because "my partner is calling." I try to make plans but end up third wheeling or not seeing them at all because they have a date. I'm not going to lie. I feel jealous of their relationship. I thought I had a close relationship with this person and all my friends, and yet it seemed to be so easy for them to move on to a new sexual relationship as if our friendship was less meaningful. As an asexual, these friendships were an equivalent to a close partner relationship and yet they seemed to drop without a word. There was no breakup. No closure. And I'm left here feeling behind because this closeness I thought I had seemed to be nothing if it didn't involve sex. It's just hard feeling so alone. I wish it were easy to just have a close friend that basically acted as a partner and had that sort of commitment while also not wanting any sex or really intimacy. I guess I just want a really good asexual friend but I haven't found one that I get along with really well. Maybe one day but today, it's just hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. I too have had this happen to me, and it's so frustrating. I understand that love and sex are very important to a lot of people, but I hope we as humans all reach a point where we can see the value in all types of relationships. I'm so tired of people putting sexual relationships on a higher pedastal than every other relationship, and letting all their other relationships crumble. A close friend of mine shared this thing she found online with me, called "The Relationship Escalator". It's kind of about how society has a very arbitrary timeline of how things "should go" for every person. You meet someone, you become friends, you become more than friends, you date, you have sex with them, marry them, have children etc. etc. Society expects this of seemingly everyone, but it's so reductive and puts everyone who lives a different path in life on a lower level. It discounts so many people, aces, aromantics, infertile people, people who choose to not have relationships, and more. I guess what I'm bringing this up for, is to offer some hope I guess. People are looking at this worldview, and beginning to pick it apart and challenge it. We may see a world very soon where people respect all types of relationships in a new and better way. I hope you begin to find better friends who won't abandon you, and value you more than the friends you have mentioned. Your future friends are out there, it just may take some time to find them. If it makes you feel any better, I went through the same thing time and time again, and now I have a great tight knit group of women (of all sexualities) I am very close with. They all deeply value friendship and family, and are always there to listen. I believe you'll find your people, and when you do, you'll know that all the troublesome friendships before are in the past, and taught you what to stay away from in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeupJunkie4 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Crazy Bird Lady said: It's just hard feeling so alone. I wish it were easy to just have a close friend that basically acted as a partner and had that sort of commitment while also not wanting any sex or really intimacy. I guess I just want a really good asexual friend but I haven't found one that I get along with really well. Maybe one day but today, it's just hard I'm in the same boat. And as you said, I'm happy that they're happy - but I can't help feeling unimportant. 😕 I wish I knew what I could do differently, but at this point I've forced myself to adjust to always being alone. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Welcome to AVEN! I hope you find that close friend you want. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Birds" cake, https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/337085-birds Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Welcome! Yeah it’s extra weird for me because my parents actually go out and have nights out with their friends without their partners. I cannot imagine just cutting all ties with your friends just because you have a partner. I do recommend looking into the concept of Queer Platonic Relationships (QPRsj because that sounds like what you were interested in Link to post Share on other sites
CluelessAce Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 I relate so deeply to this post. Thank you @Crazy Bird Lady for sharing, and welcome! I still have one very close relationship, but I know the day is coming when she'll finally find someone and will slowly fade away, and I'll have to do the hard work to build brand new friendships, or try to rekindle old lost ones. The problem is that nobody really understands why I never eventually "hooked up", and the tone of most friendships seems to have turned from pleasant to pity. I don't really relate to how they spend their time, and they don't understand me or my life choices. I'm especially tired of the constant attempts to set me up with their recently divorced friends. You are not alone and I see you! Link to post Share on other sites
Katie3 Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 I totally understand this. All if my friends are starting to get into serious relationships and it has just never happened to me. I am currently 24 and have just never had the desire to form a sexual relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.