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nisse

QUESTIONING non-binary/genderfluid

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nisse

Hi folks

 

I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm going more and more towards non-binary, possibly genderfluid as an identity, but i feel like i can't say something for sure for myself until i've talked through this with someone who is also non-binary, and open to some frank personal chats. i don't have anyone irl i can talk through these things with, and there's only so much literature i can read. all love to my cis friends, but last time (some years ago, i think i was 17) i tried to talk about this with one of them all they had to offer was "whatever you feel about yourself is valid" which of course, what else can they say really?

 

for info: i'm AFAB, 24, and aroace. i'm somewhat gnc, but i still like me some ~feminine~ clothes now and then. i don't wear makeup, but honestly mostly out of laziness than anything else. superficial stuff, i know, but i figure it's good info. i'll get into clothes and presentation in a bit.

 

as you might be able to tell, i do kind of refer to myself as non-binary, in my own head. but there's still.... idk, like there's still some kind of block? something?

 

i think it's partly bc i don't have big feelings of dysphoria. i don't feel uncomfortable being referred to and perceived as a woman, but i wish at times i wasn't. does that make sense? regarding presentation, i feel much more comfortable in more typically masculine clothes, and have since i was a teen, but i do love how  look in a good dress at times - i just feel really uncomfortable being perceived as a feminine ass woman when i do. when i think about possibly coming out, it just feels like a much bigger ordeal than keeping it in. i am fine being a woman, right? the hassle isn't worth it, like. 

 

what triggered me posting this though, is that i've had an increase want of telling someone, anyone, that i might be non-binary.

 

so i guess what i need to talk through is 1) what i actually am within non-binary/what non-binary would mean for me, and 2) whether i should bother coming out or if i can be cool and happy just knowing this for myself.

 

thanks folks

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Borderline

I'm only a sibling of a closet enby, so I only know what I have tried to understand & have read about.

 

Whether or not you are enby/nonbinary is up to you & how you feel. Your clothes don't matter, use of accessories and makeup doesn't matter, only how you feel about yourself & how you want to be treated & treat yourself. Having dysphoria isn't a necessity either, being less hurt is a good thing. Boxes of "man" & "woman" are restricting, there is infinite possibilities outside of those, so you do you instead of sitting in a box like a cat~

 

Masculine clothes do are made way more practical, and if you like the aesthetics, it's just win win.

If it makes you feel better, when you dress as femininely, take it as cross-dressing or drag. You are playing with your body & gender-expression, this isn't what you truly are from the inside daily, but tonight what does it matter I'm fabulous~ I dunno.

But if your self image allows both masculine & feminine you (& nonbinary you or truly neutral you~), we can't fix the general population's image on stereotypical feminine & masculine, not quick enough for our generations, so unless you plan to make rest of you look masculine or enby while in a dress, I see no solution to this, at least for masses. (Close friends can understand you personally & see past feminity & just see aroacereign) We are programmed to think of humans as masculine & feminine, and I do think one must be enby themselves to truly understand what it means to be the 3rd option. Or maybe I haven't read the right posts, yet.

When male is treated as the "default" human, being true neutral is hard.

 

And I feel you. . . kinda. . . I have no dysphoria regarding being male, but I'ven't never really cared about the masculine image, muscly hunks are boring, beards are bothersome (and can't grow one thank existence), and reading about stereotypical men makes me feel mix of "but I'm not like them!" & "but I'm not like them~". Being neutral or in the spectrum of humans does sounds appealing, but what a bother when I have no issues with how I clothe myself or anything & how I look isn't that meh. Tho sucks we're stuck with just a one body for our existences, and sucks that I do zero experimentation with my expression.

(is nice to live in a country which's language has no gendered pronouns)

 

But in the end, I don't, at least yet, see myself as nonbinary. More like "demi-boy" or "borderline male" as I tend to be borderline in many areas. .  :D

Tho maybe part of me doesn't want to devalue the inner turmoil of my sibling by just easily accepting & declaring myself as enby while this is really hard topic for them. . . But regardless I'm good.

 

I hope you can feel "good" with yourself. You are valid in my eyes. Perfectly good human being.

Hope my ramblings were of some help.

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Lichley

Hmm what you said about not feeling uncomfortable but still feeling off about it reminded me of this post on subtle gender dysphoria. They also make good points about how it’s not a competition on who can be the most dysphoric. It’s about being yourself.

 https://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoria

Plus AVEN is a great place to try out labels, if you want to test out pronouns or labels we’re more than happy to help out. I know I went through a fair few labels before settling on one I was comfortable with. Take the time to get to know yourself and what makes you comfortable :) 

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scaredy/cat
9 hours ago, Borderline said:

If it makes you feel better, when you dress as femininely, take it as cross-dressing or drag. You are playing with your body & gender-expression, this isn't what you truly are from the inside daily,

ohh thanks for this perspective!!

 

i feel the same way as you, op

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nisse

 

11 hours ago, Borderline said:

And I feel you. . . kinda. . . I have no dysphoria regarding being male, but I'ven't never really cared about the masculine image, muscly hunks are boring, beards are bothersome (and can't grow one thank existence), and reading about stereotypical men makes me feel mix of "but I'm not like them!" & "but I'm not like them~". Being neutral or in the spectrum of humans does sounds appealing, but what a bother when I have no issues with how I clothe myself or anything & how I look isn't that meh. Tho sucks we're stuck with just a one body for our existences, and sucks that I do zero experimentation with my expression.

(is nice to live in a country which's language has no gendered pronouns)

thank you so much!! your well thought-out reply is deeply appreciated ❤️ it's also reassuring to read about others with the same experience. 

 

10 hours ago, Lichley said:

Hmm what you said about not feeling uncomfortable but still feeling off about it reminded me of this post on subtle gender dysphoria. They also make good points about how it’s not a competition on who can be the most dysphoric. It’s about being yourself.

 https://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoria

Plus AVEN is a great place to try out labels, if you want to test out pronouns or labels we’re more than happy to help out. I know I went through a fair few labels before settling on one I was comfortable with. Take the time to get to know yourself and what makes you comfortable :) 

i've bookmarked that post, thank you! it's a v good resource i'm surprised i haven't stumbled over before.

 

i guess also part of my block is i want to tell people, but i also really truly don't want to deal with.... y'know..... all that explaining. y'all know that meme, discussing gender with trans/nb ppl vs discussing with cis ppl? i don't want that bit. it sounds exhausting, i want ppl to just read "non-binary", shrug, and get on with their day. not sitting there wondering how that can be, when i still present femininely sometimes, when i'm fine with whatever pronouns. ugh. idk. a part of me wish i was just binary trans male (NOT to imply anyone has an easier time of this, just that *among my circles* that would be easier for them to wrap their heads around, y'know?)

 

like i have to ask myself is it worth going through the rigamaroll of being out, when i'm just fine being a cis woman? and i don't know. i genuinely don't.

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Borderline
2 minutes ago, aroacereign said:

like i have to ask myself is it worth going through the rigamaroll of being out, when i'm just fine being a cis woman? and i don't know. i genuinely don't.

If you truly are ok being as you are, then no hurry.

But if you feel like that you would be happier in general after the release: we all have limited years on this planet, shame some many of us need to waste most of those hiding part of themselves. I hope what you're hiding is just a small piece of the whole that won't grow to be a bigger grief with time. That you won't feel like you're lying your life through about who you are, to others, to yourself. I dunno. No hurry. But sometimes might be better than never. Not that I'd know, I'm just sitting with my small tiny piece too, for now.

Because I don't know. It's easier to be in the safety than go to the unknown and show effort. Easier to be ok right now instead of taking a risk and working towards potentially being great in the far future. I dunno.

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nisse
5 minutes ago, Borderline said:

It's easier to be in the safety than go to the unknown and show effort. Easier to be ok right now instead of taking a risk and working towards potentially being great in the far future.

this is my thought process as well. it's truly a hard choice, and makes me appreciate all the more everyone who has ever gone through this. 

 

thank you again - it's so calming knowing these are thoughts others deal with too!!

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Laurann
3 hours ago, aroacereign said:

i want ppl to just read "non-binary", shrug, and get on with their day.

This, yes.

If it could only be normal and accepted to be nb, it would be so much less nerve-wrecking.

 

17 hours ago, aroacereign said:

whether i should bother coming out or if i can be cool and happy just knowing this for myself.

Coming out doesn't have to be this big singular thing. You can be half out, half in the closet. You could just tell one person that you don't think it'd be much of a problem with, and not tell anyone else. That could be enough for you. And if you feel like it, maybe you could add another person later, or maybe not.

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Lichley
11 hours ago, aroacereign said:

I want ppl to just read "non-binary", shrug, and get on with their day.

Oh I know that feeling all too well. I honestly don’t understand why it’s so confusing for them? Oh no not every person in existence fits neatly into one of two boxes whatever shall I do! 

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nisse

@Lichley yesss i think partly why i'm accepting myself as non-binary more and more is the realisation that i understood NB folks just fine, and couldn't entirely understand what ppl got so twisted up about!

 

On 6/30/2020 at 5:24 PM, Laurann said:

Coming out doesn't have to be this big singular thing. You can be half out, half in the closet. You could just tell one person that you don't think it'd be much of a problem with, and not tell anyone else. That could be enough for you. And if you feel like it, maybe you could add another person later, or maybe not.

this is actually kinda reassuring, and something i needed to hear :0 i'm gonna work out who i want to tell, and see how i feel after. thank you!

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