TMI! Sexual Paraphilias: What to do when [non-sexual thing] is your only route to arousal?

[QuoVadis]

Well, candid post time I guess. Like, real candid. Buckle up, weirdos

If I shouldn't be ashamed of asexuality then I guess I'm just throw it all out there. Now that I've settled into my asexual identity, I'm broaching a new topic within myself, which is this: to what extent is my asexuality due to my "dysfunctional" sexual fetish? And could I actually become "sexual" if I were to go see a sex therapist and "unwire my brain" to be attracted to the niche thing I'm attracted to? Morally, should I? 

I'm using the term sexual paraphilia here because I only recently came to learn that when "the rest of the world" uses the word 'fetish,' it typically is used interchangeably with "preference," i.e. Oh yeah, I'm an ass man. (So this person has a 'fetish' for butts.) But in my case, paraphilia = I am only sexually aroused when thinking about something that isn't human body parts, sexual acts, imaginary scenarios involving sex between two people, etc. 

 

For the sake of clarity and relation to how it overlays onto sexual intercourse, I guess I'll just say it. I, for whatever reason, can only become sexually aroused by thinking about people gaining weight. A feederism fetish, I guess, is what you could call it. I don't have the desire to gain weight myself, as I favor my long-term health, but it's the only scenario I can masturbate to, imagining people rapidly gaining weight or losing control of themselves. Whatever went wrong in my brain as a kid has somehow manifested in a love for people purposely being hedonistic and gluttonous and getting fat. 😕

 

C'est la vie. So - my question is - and you can substitute spoons or paint or feet or doors or whatever non-sexual thing you want here - can you blame me for not enjoying or feeling turned on during actual sexual intercourse? Because the scenario that arouses me is literally impossible during real, physical sex. I cannot ask my partner to magically gain 300 pounds while they're in the middle of trying to penetrate me. I also cannot mentally arrange or 'overlay' anything about those two scenarios in a way which 'lines up' to create the desired effect of arousal. I've tried it with past partners. I basically have to 'clock out' of the real world sex we're trying to have, only to attempt to fantasize in real time about the paraphilic scenario which I know will get me off - yet nothing about my partner's looks, the things they are doing to me, the position our bodies are in, the closeness, how they smell, what the kisses feel like, the intimacy, etc. - are actually doing a darn thing to satisfy any kind of libido or desire. I'm dry as the Sahara. 

 

What started to make me question my capacity for sexuality in general was the fact that any time I'd have sex with my partners, nothing about our interactions actually led to me feeling "turned on" or "sexual" or "wanted." But I would have to output a humongous capacity of mental energy to essentially "play along" with my body, acting out what should be the normal expectation motions of sex, but constantly be running a holographic simulation up in my brain about my fat fetish, simultaneously. And mind you that I have ADHD, which already makes focus difficult, sometimes. And how could I give my partner the undivided attention they need in that moment when I can't even acknowledge or communicate that the whole time they're trying to bend me over or play with my boobs, I'm just thinking about some other dude eating five large pepperoni pizzas while he busts the button on his jeans? It felt like emotional cheating at a certain point, too.  

 

My paraphilia is innately incompatible with partnered sex. So... I'm at an impasse. Yes, it's a reliable thing, even if it's weird - but it always gets me off, and I can change out subjects and scenarios to keep things fresh. However, it's the only thing that gets me off. And so part of me feels as if I am missing out on a broader spectrum of sexuality that I could possibly be opened up to, were I to seek therapy to "rid myself" of this extremely niche and particular association in my brain. 

 

But - is that even possible? The paraphilia doesn't affect my life in any other ways. It's not as if I see a fat guy on the street and feel an insane compulsion to go up to them and start touching their belly, or something more socially and sexually destructive. It's just my weird thing that plays out in my head. 

 

However, knowing how porn sickness is related to dopamine instability and that a lot of (primarily) allosexual men struggle to actually stay erect during sex because they've been so conditioned to only become aroused by more and more extreme pornographic situations, etc. - people can seek treatment for that, essentially to "reset" your dopamine levels and/or your brain's expectations for what arouses you, sexually. 

 

I just fear I could be missing out on sex eventually bringing me pleasure, and that my self-declared asexuality is mostly because I need to clean the drain out, figuratively, to make way for sensations that could actually turn me on about partnered sex. Plus, my libido is not that high to begin with; I probably masturbate three times a month, if that. 

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. Sex therapy? Give it up and accept that I just have a paraphilia which can't be un-imprinted? Sensate therapy?!? I thought I was done with "working through the issues" which led me to understand I'm asexual and don't experience sexual desire - but it's just that the sexual desire is for things that aren't sex. I'm unsure if that's a "fixable" thing or if it is merely my bad luck in how I'm wired. 

[Snao Cone]

If it's not disrupting your daily life, distracting you from other things, or disturbing you in any way, then you should evaluate if it's worth going through some therapy for it. There are people out there with fetishes that consume them to some degree, whether that's by acting it out or not (like porn or just their own imagination interfering with life, a la maladaptive daydreaming). If this is basically something you do in similar ways to other people's activities of sexual release, but with your imagination instead of another person, then it might not really be all that harmful. If it doesn't affect how you treat yourself or others (including partners, peers, or overweight people in daily life) then it might be something you can just make peace with and keep separate from the rest of what you do. I'm sure some people will disagree, and I know there's a stigma against compartmentalization in general, but honestly, it's your mental well-being, daily functioning, and respect for those around you that matters more than what you play out in the safety of your own head.

 

If your concern that you're missing out on broader sexuality is distressing to you, though, it would be worth getting some professional help to work through it. This is not because it's immoral or mentally unwell, though, as much as it is about taking care of yourself and your own happiness. The solution might be working to change how you think about sex right now. But the solution might also be to just make peace with yourself, and continue to separate your everyday actions and decisions, as well as your relationships, from that little mind film that you find occasional relief in (if that's what this is).

[QuoVadis]

Thanks so much for the lovely and thought out response @Snao Cone (me)! That decision is mine and mine only to make, I suppose. I just wonder to what degree I will take myself down through another rabbit hole with therapy only to, perhaps, years and thousands of dollars later, still possibly arrive at the same conclusion I have now: partnered sex is just not going to be doable for me in this life. There is a creeping sense that I'm missing out on things because of this, even though I'm simultaneously quite content with my asexuality because of the removal of so much unwanted drama and desire from my life. 

[Guest]

There are many ways people indulge this weight gain fetish IRL. But, if those ways don't do it for you, maybe you just aren't into partnered activities. Can be that simple. 

[QuoVadis]

46 minutes ago, Serran said:

There are many ways people indulge this weight gain fetish IRL. But, if those ways don't do it for you, maybe you just aren't into partnered activities. Can be that simple. 

True. And I guess in that respect I'm lucky my fetish does not incline me to do it to myself - I think that would take over my life in a much more profound way. I can rely on purely fantasy. However I just wish there was a way to somehow combine what does it for me with what does it for "normal" people in terms of brain chemistry and human intimacy. 

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, QuoVadis said:

True. And I guess in that respect I'm lucky my fetish does not incline me to do it to myself - I think that would take over my life in a much more profound way. I can rely on purely fantasy. However I just wish there was a way to somehow combine what does it for me with what does it for "normal" people in terms of brain chemistry and human intimacy. 

Meh. Often people with a fetish can't make it work with "normal" people, it just doesn't work like that. What turns you on is... not really your choice. 

[QuoVadis]

19 minutes ago, Serran said:

Meh. Often people with a fetish can't make it work with "normal" people, it just doesn't work like that. What turns you on is... not really your choice. 

Right, and that's why I'm sort of asking - is it even a feasible option to "cure" it or am I just stuck living this separate pathway my whole life? I don't know necessarily if it would change my asexuality but I am starting to think it's definitely closing me off from other opportunities. 

[Borderline]

Many things we happen to have become or have been born as limits our opportunities in life. The main question is if this is an opportunity you feel bad missing out on, as your current self. And if you have a potential way to reach this opportunity, is working to reach it or reaching it closing off any other opportunities you'd prefer? Like would you want to give up your paraphilia for forever if you could? Does it matter that you are different? Is sex big enough part of your life to bother? Do you feel your personal need isn't being fulfilled if you can't enjoy sex WITH your partner in your relationship? I dunno.

 

Would need some serious data on success-rates of such therapies to determine if those are worth it even in theory. If you do go to one, hope you will get a therapist whose personality & skill works for you. If not, don't be afraid to stop & seek a new one, I'd suppose.

 

Hope this was of any use. Hope you find out the right direction for you. . You WILL find out good enough solution for you, eventually.

 

 

Also PS: just happy to read about someone else stuck with paraphilia-only arousal in ace-context.

( I'm stuck with gender-swap/body-swap/transformation/... (in umbrella: people getting stuck in states they find embarrassing - with at least some femininity flavor in it). . .

Tho I'm Aro, don't care about sex, nor have ever been in any relationship, so yee. . )

 

Stuff. .

[QuoVadis]

6 hours ago, Borderline said:

Many things we happen to have become or have been born as limits our opportunities in life. The main question is if this is an opportunity you feel bad missing out on, as your current self. And if you have a potential way to reach this opportunity, is working to reach it or reaching it closing off any other opportunities you'd prefer? Like would you want to give up your paraphilia for forever if you could? Does it matter that you are different? Is sex big enough part of your life to bother? Do you feel your personal need isn't being fulfilled if you can't enjoy sex WITH your partner in your relationship? I dunno.

 

Would need some serious data on success-rates of such therapies to determine if those are worth it even in theory. If you do go to one, hope you will get a therapist whose personality & skill works for you. If not, don't be afraid to stop & seek a new one, I'd suppose.

 

Hope this was of any use. Hope you find out the right direction for you. . You WILL find out good enough solution for you, eventually.

 

 

Also PS: just happy to read about someone else stuck with paraphilia-only arousal in ace-context.

( I'm stuck with gender-swap/body-swap/transformation/... (in umbrella: people getting stuck in states they find embarrassing - with at least some femininity flavor in it). . .

Tho I'm Aro, don't care about sex, nor have ever been in any relationship, so yee. . )

 

Stuff. .

Everything you said here was right! Thank you! I have thought more about this today and in a sense I'm actually kind of lucky, if you think about it. I know exactly what I need to think about in my head to do the job and make myself feel good, and I can spare myself the icky and long tumultuous process of finding a new partner, learning all their likes and dislikes, worrying about sexual mismatch and communication, going through the ardor and awkwardness that comes with two people being naked together for the first (or fortieth) time, and I have the benefit of already not feeling the desire for partnered intimacy. So it does seem that things could be worse. 

And wow, I guess I'm not so alone - I actually am right there with you. I used to be much more into transformation art, but it never gave me any sexual response, personally. I just always found it really cool to draw the stages of Thing A turning into Thing B. I can see how it could be erotic though. 

[nanogretchen4]

I really have my doubts about whether a therapist can reset a fetish that has been your only path to arousal since childhood. That's a very different situation from someone who has become sexually desensitized by porn use after puberty. They started out with a sexual orientation toward other people and were aroused by watching sexual activity. Even if therapy could eradicate your fetish, I do not at all believe they could then create a sexual orientation for you out of nothing, since there is nothing about a partner that arouses you. That would not be like treating an addiction, it would be like trying to turn a gay person or an asexual person into a heterosexual. That has been tried many times and it does not work.

 

Do you want to get married or have a romantic relationship? If not, your fetish is a non-issue. If so, the next question is whether you want to share your fetish with a partner? If not, you would probably be most compatible with an asexual since you don't want any form of partnered sexual interaction. If you do want to share your fetish, you should probably look for someone with the same fetish.

 

[Fumi]

A second satisfying discussion topic for me to participate in?  And it overlaps with the first one?  Oh, today is truly my lucky day! 😀

 

First of all, QuoVadis, there's nothing wrong with your paraphilia, and I'd like to commend your courage for talking about something so sensitive and personal so openly.  It can't have been an easy decision to make.  Second, what you described is a perfect example of a truly engrossing facet of human psychology.  A lot of other posters here have made good and valid points, so I'll try to avoid repeating what they've already said.  You actually display an uncommonly solid grasp of this topic, yourself, which means I can actually get away with doing less writing here.

 

It must be remembered that literally every paraphilia (or fetish) is still a sexual fascination.  It might not be terribly common, statistically--nor make a whole lot of sense, given our physiology--but it's still a sexual fascination, at its core.  Whether it's to genitals, musculature, personality types, high heels, silverware, humiliation, or even the worst type of dad joke, all a sexual fascinations are is just a psychological trigger to induce sexual stimulation and satisfaction.  I'm in agreement with others here that, unless you genuinely feel that yours is causing you harm... there's no reason to try and train yourself out of it.  It's not endangering anyone else.  That said, you did voice a concern that you might be missing out on other pleasures.  And that's a very understandable and relatable concern.

I disagree with others who say that you need to first train yourself out of your current fascination in order to enjoy more "normal" pleasures, or that it's impossible to change what pleases you, in the first place.  People change all the time.  While altering one's preferences isn't as straightforward as swapping out a pair of batteries, it's something that happens to most people without even trying.  The trick is to understand how change transpires.  To that end, there's a saying I'm fond of that captures how humans change very aptly: "Corruption doesn't force change from without, like a hammer, but coaxes change from within, like a whisper."

Generally, people's tastes exist for one of two reasons: either they were born with a taste for something, or they developed it later.  How people develop tastes later on hinges on a variety of things, but the process is most greatly influenced by their existing preferences.  The closer something new is to a person's existing preferences, the more likely that person is to enjoy that something new.  Suppose you're born liking oranges, and only oranges.  The few other things you've tried are bland and uninteresting to you.  If someone gives you beer or tuna, you're likely going to find them just as bland and uninteresting as the few other things you've tried.  However, if someone gives you a grapefruit... well, that's a lot more like an orange than beer or ice cream.  It's not guaranteed you'll like it, but certainly a lot more probable than the other two foods I've suggested.  At the very least, there will be some aspects of it that you can appreciate.

(As an aside: beer is usually an acquired taste.  Most people--myself included--start out finding the flavor rather gross, but later come to enjoy it.  The same principle can be applied to literally everything else about human tastes, from sexual fascinations to preferred book genres to enjoyed sports.)

 

If you're really driven to try and find more "normal" sexual fascinations, it might not hurt to consider where your paraphilia intersects with more mainstream activities.  Is the consumption itself what really gets you?  Food play is regarded as a rather tame kink, and it isn't too difficult to find partners who are at least somewhat open to experimentation there.  Are you more keen on seeing the growth of a body as it's fed?  Inflation is another way that your fascination can intersect with sexual activity.  Or perhaps it's the loss of control, itself--and the succumbing to their hunger or desire--that reels you in, instead?  Maybe even something else, or a combination of one or more characteristics?  But, I digress.  My point is, it isn't an impossibility to train yourself into different fascinations, either on your own or with therapy.  The key is to just make sure you're able to enjoy yourself, in the first place.  Your description of how you regard normal intercourse is exactly why just jumping into something so disparate from your current paraphilia isn't likely to work: you just aren't going to get any satisfaction from it.  The more you understand the nuances of what you presently find sexually attractive, the easier the journey will be for you.

 

I hope this wasn't unwelcome, and I apologize if I've said anything awkward or impolite.  If I was able to provide anything helpful to you, though, then that is all I could ask for 🙂

[Ksenia]

Hi,  QuoVadis.  It is great pleaure to read your candid posts. I  tried 'conversion therapy,  which lasted for more than 2 years,  and it doesn't work. I tried 'orgasmic reconditioning', psychoanalysis, hypnosis, art therapy, congitive therapy, and different drugs, but my case is difficult, because I have paraphilias related to masochism with gender dysphoria since childhood.  If you can pinpoint particular trauma related to your paraphilia then reprocessing of it may work through EMDR, but there is  no guarantee that it will change your sexuality. Also you have already tried to cure yourself through amatuer 'sex therapy'.

 

You are cis-woman, and there is some data that cis women have fluid sexulaity, but such fluidity may not work for paraphilias, because female sexual fluidity could be related to romance, but not to the pattern of sexual arousal, which is very specific in your case. And such specificity of arousal could be related to the accumulation of critical mass of experience with  sexual reward during critical period.  Other women could not have such accumulation during critical period, their pattern of sexual arousal wasn't horned,  and they could have unspecific pattern of sexual arousal, and for them "sexual fluiditiy" can work through romance.  I think you were very sensitive, creative  girl  with rich imagination, and such soil is fertile for different fetishes and paraphilias, because such brain can easily create bizarre sexual associations, also such psyche can easily reinforce such associations through fantasies and elaborations of such fantasies.

[GhoulFriend]

On 6/28/2020 at 7:01 PM, QuoVadis said:

My paraphilia is innately incompatible with partnered sex. So... I'm at an impasse. Yes, it's a reliable thing, even if it's weird - but it always gets me off, and I can change out subjects and scenarios to keep things fresh. However, it's the only thing that gets me off. And so part of me feels as if I am missing out on a broader spectrum of sexuality that I could possibly be opened up to, were I to seek therapy to "rid myself" of this extremely niche and particular association in my brain. 

 

I have the same issue, though my paraphilia is toward dead people. Nothing else gets me sexually excited. However I feel like entirely ridding one's self of a paraphilia could cause more harm than good though, especially if it's something you have experienced for a long time and is essentially part of your being.  For whatever reason, some of us are either born with paraphilias or developed them with maturity. Sure they may cut us out from enjoying other "normal" pleasures in life but maybe we can use the opportunity to find more unique ways to enjoy our world. At least that's the way I've been trying to think of it. 
I know mine isn't healthy, either.  But I am exploring ways to coexist with and let it be a part of me without being destructive toward anyone else. Which right now mostly happens in the form of artistic expression rather than outright participating in the act. But I'm still learning to figure  it all out, too. I'm hoping, in a way, I can find a partner/close friend who understands and can maybe even play dead really well? Haha, I don't know if that'll ever happen.
But maybe in your case you can find someone out there who also "gets" your thing and can somehow engage in it in a way that's safe for both of you, such as role play. 
 

[QuoVadis]

On 11/12/2020 at 8:33 AM, GhoulFriend said:

I have the same issue, though my paraphilia is toward dead people. Nothing else gets me sexually excited. However I feel like entirely ridding one's self of a paraphilia could cause more harm than good though, especially if it's something you have experienced for a long time and is essentially part of your being.  For whatever reason, some of us are either born with paraphilias or developed them with maturity. Sure they may cut us out from enjoying other "normal" pleasures in life but maybe we can use the opportunity to find more unique ways to enjoy our world. At least that's the way I've been trying to think of it. 
I know mine isn't healthy, either.  But I am exploring ways to coexist with and let it be a part of me without being destructive toward anyone else. Which right now mostly happens in the form of artistic expression rather than outright participating in the act. But I'm still learning to figure  it all out, too. I'm hoping, in a way, I can find a partner/close friend who understands and can maybe even play dead really well? Haha, I don't know if that'll ever happen.
But maybe in your case you can find someone out there who also "gets" your thing and can somehow engage in it in a way that's safe for both of you, such as role play. 
 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply! I have immense empathy for your situation, because at least my fetish is only borderline "not socially acceptable," whereas yours crosses a lot of boundaries of social decorum. And you cannot help that. I like what you said about using it to navigate world in a way that is safe and fulfilling. I have no doubt you will be able to do that. ❤️ I have dived back into a community recently that's related to my fetish, and it is very validating to see so many others in a similar situation to mind. 

[GhoulFriend]

9 hours ago, QuoVadis said:

Thanks for your thoughtful reply! I have immense empathy for your situation, because at least my fetish is only borderline "not socially acceptable," whereas yours crosses a lot of boundaries of social decorum. And you cannot help that. I like what you said about using it to navigate world in a way that is safe and fulfilling. I have no doubt you will be able to do that. ❤️ I have dived back into a community recently that's related to my fetish, and it is very validating to see so many others in a similar situation to mind. 

Thank you, and I'm glad to hear you've found a community that's supportive! Unfortunately, I can't even find any communities related to mine that aren't extreme underground stuff. And I don't want to let myself go down that rabbit hole. It takes a lot of self control to be a socially responsible necrophile, it seems,  but I'm sure I'll eventually find my ways!