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The road to self-discovery


Ace_SouthAfrica_87

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87

Dear AVEN community. I have joined this site over 4 months ago and have probably been missing for a month now. This lock down period has given me a lot of time to think everything through. I have used this time to assess my life and the following applies to me. Wonder if anyone else can relate to any of the facts about me I have listed below.

 

I know these facts about myself:

 

1. If I were gay it doesn't matter. I have had thoughts like that before, but I have self control and will never be able to go through with it. I don't accept that I am this way. Believe me I'm not a conformist to society either. I accept gay people, but I strongly don't see myself with a man. Friendly forms of affection only. 

2. Straight, which I would like to identify as, is also not so clear cut as it should be. I would like to be with a woman, but I have to love myself first and financially I feel insecure and not ready yet to start a relationship. (33 years old, but always been a late bloomer ;) ) 

3. Bisexual - No, not for me either. 

4. Low sex drive. Yes definitely. I have no real desire to be intimate with anyone right now.

5. Fear of Vulnerability. This is what's holding me back the most. I am for some reason a highly emotional person and seem to incorrectly think too many steps ahead and the fear of being rejected a few months down the line will hurt me mentally. (Stupid I know)

6. Asexual for now best describes me, but I think sexual orientation can be fluid. I have had inexplicable crushes on both genders, but since then I have also learnt about the various forms of attractions that do exist, and sexual attraction is missing most of the time.

7. I need to work on my confidence and self-esteem most importantly. I have cleaned my room and car and was in general just a lazy messy person. It does wonders to start looking after yourself.   

8. I need to stop thinking so much, there are more important things to me in life than to worry about what others think. 

9. I choose to not have an orientation. Orientations are boring and gives you direction. Learn to swim against the tide. 

10. It's fun to mess with people who question your orientation as well. It really isn't anyone's business. 

 

To conclude. I will no longer identify as anything and I do not care what anyone's opinion is of me. I do not subscribe to all man-made constructs. It feels liberating.

 

Peace, Love and Respect

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Here's a random comment: I want to say that I admire your ability to evaluate yourself and prior experiences like this. I can see how much thought you have put into this and I believe it is important to look back at what steps you've taken so far. I am convinced that every experience you've gone through in life contributes to your present self and that you grew as a person through all of them. I want you to be proud of that and judging from this text, it seems like you are. So congratulations on developing this opinion on such a topic! You definitely have every right to proudly present this to others!

Also, I don't think it's "stupid" what you have mentioned in point 5. We all are very vulnerable in regard to certain topics and that's not dumb or bad. It's completely fine. It makes you more relatable, shows that you are an actual person/an individual with an own opinion instead of ridiculous stereotypes that society sometimes teaches us.I highly respect that! And if you eventually feel comfortable with searching for a partner then consider presenting this to them. I personally believe it makes a person much more attractive (though that may just be my opinion aka. don't feel pressured to actually do anything I recommend here)!

To conclude this I just wish to say: Much respect goes out to you!

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87
20 minutes ago, Faleeria said:

Here's a random comment: I want to say that I admire your ability to evaluate yourself and prior experiences like this. I can see how much thought you have put into this and I believe it is important to look back at what steps you've taken so far. I am convinced that every experience you've gone through in life contributes to your present self and that you grew as a person through all of them. I want you to be proud of that and judging from this text, it seems like you are. So congratulations on developing this opinion on such a topic! You definitely have every right to proudly present this to others!

Also, I don't think it's "stupid" what you have mentioned in point 5. We all are very vulnerable in regard to certain topics and that's not dumb or bad. It's completely fine. It makes you more relatable, shows that you are an actual person/an individual with an own opinion instead of ridiculous stereotypes that society sometimes teaches us.I highly respect that! And if you eventually feel comfortable with searching for a partner then consider presenting this to them. I personally believe it makes a person much more attractive (though that may just be my opinion aka. don't feel pressured to actually do anything I recommend here)!

To conclude this I just wish to say: Much respect goes out to you!

Thank you Faleeria,

 

I appreciate all your positive feedback. I feel more positive now and I can definitely say that I have no regrets in joining AVEN. Point 5 is a tricky one for me. I know it will always be a struggle, I also know what has caused this fear. I can only recommend to everyone to use AVEN as a tool to get a better understanding of who they truly are. Understanding one's own psycy is a key to come to such conclusions. I have shared some of this information with those close to me and they respect that. There were some confusing times in the past 4 months, but I have learnt from it and can 100% say I am more confident than back then.     

 

Much love to you and all the best with your journey through life.  

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