Online information about the psychology of relationships seem to be quite heteronormative

[Moonlight_Night]

I don't know if other people have found this, but I recently got into a relationship, and I thought I'd do some research about the psychology behind how relationships work and phases of relationships (eg. honeymoon phase). A lot of the information I found was extremely sex-based (examples: https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-5-stages-of-intimacy-in-a-relationship/#:~:text=These stages do not always,circling back around to acceptance., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201707/the-3-stages-dating).

 

Additionally, I found an open online textbook (https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/close-relationships-liking-and-loving-over-the-long-term/), and a lot of the information is very interesting, but again, seems pretty heteronormative. One specific, there was a study done looking at attraction once in a committed relationship, and they included opposite and same-sex attraction, but the way it was worded seemed pretty straight and non-inclusive.. which may be fine: perhaps they needed to isolate for variables? I don't know, but something to think about.

 

Obviously this could just be because I didn't click on the right search results, but it was intriguing nonetheless. What do yall think? Do you feel like these sources represent how you feel?

 

Also, the textbook mentions Sternberg's triangular theory of love (pic below). I have always heard the "passion" side of it described as sexual, but obviously that isn't something that I experience as an asexual. They say that the most stable form of love combines all three elements that form the vertices of the triangle. However, obviously, asexual relationships can be stable and not have sex. I have come to think of passion as some sort of romantic passion instead of a sexual one? I guess some would argue that romantic would be "intimacy" instead of "passion." What do you guys think about this, coming from an asexual lens? Perhaps this is an oversimplification of the dynamic complexities love? 

 

 

[Philip027]

Of course these things lean toward hetero.  Most people are hetero.

 

The triangle doesn't even mention sex at all, so I'm not entirely sure I see what you're getting at there.  As you basically said, intimacy (and love) can mean all sorts of things; it isn't just sex.

[Moonlight_Night]

Just now, Philip027 said:

Of course these things lean toward hetero.  Most people are hetero.

 

The triangle doesn't even mention sex at all

Yeah definitely, obviously most information would be straight, I just thought that it was interesting how much it was based on sex. I'm not necessarily complaining about it, I just wanted to point it out and see what other people thought about it.

 

Sorry I didn't really elaborate on the triangle. Here's some more information on it (from http://www.robertjsternberg.com/love):
"Passion.  Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena in loving relationships.  The passion component includes within its purview those sources of motivational and other forms of arousal that lead to the experience of passion in a loving relationship."

 

I guess generally every time I have heard about the triangle, passion has always been directly associated with sexual desire.  

[Gifted With Singleness]

51 minutes ago, Moonlight_Night said:

I have come to think of passion as some sort of romantic passion instead of a sexual one? I guess some would argue that romantic would be "intimacy" instead of "passion."

The triangle picture in your post says that romantic love is passion + intimacy, so I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Are you trying to say that romance should only be viewed as one of the corners of the triangle instead of one of the sides?

[Just a Quail]

40 minutes ago, Moonlight_Night said:

What do you guys think about this, coming from an asexual lens? Perhaps this is an oversimplification of the dynamic complexities love? 

I was in a psych class last year that discussed Sternberg's theory of love. Back then I was blissfully unaware of my asexuality, so I never really questioned the lecture. Ever since I've come out to myself as ace however, I can't help but think back to this concept. It's puzzled and frustrated me. Sometimes I wish I had known about asexuality back then, so I could confront the professor about this and ask him to consider making his lectures more inclusive (he was pretty chill and easy to talk to, though who knows how that conversation would've gone). 

 

I took a quick look at the wikapedia article for the triangle and found this interesting: 

 

Quote

They find that there are no exact answers because not only each couple, but each individual in the couple experiences love in a different way. There are three perceptions of the triangular theory of love, or "the possibility of multiple triangles". Multiple triangles can exist because individuals can experience each component of love (or point of the triangle) more intensely than another.

It's an intriguing and comforting analysis! Viewed through an ace lens, it's probably more appealing to consider perspective when considering this theory, and any information on relationships for that matter.

[Moonlight_Night]

 

15 minutes ago, GiftedWithSingleness said:

The triangle picture in your post says that romantic love is passion + intimacy, so I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Are you trying to say that romance should only be viewed as one of the corners of the triangle instead of one of the sides?

Yeah I guess so? It was more of me wondering rather than a complete idea. Basically, I'd attribute passion to romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. This creates confusion since one of the sides is already labeled as romantic attraction, but to me romantic attraction doesn't include sexual attraction. So yeah, I guess viewing it as one of the corners instead is one way to look at it

[QuasiSquirrel]

"sex, if you go there, is great." Hahahahaha... ha! I have nothing else to offer to this discussion, my apologies. 

[Guest]

For me passion also comes in the form of enjoying things together, like playing games/anime/movies... perhaps travel... Just being there with each pother through a daily life. 

 

The requirement for everything having to be "special/perfect" just ugh... I want to see you when you are just woken up, like literally 2 minutes after, and appreciate you being there... Just as a person, raw... 

 

It goes beyond, sexual attraction, aesthetic... It's just the person, that you so deeply care for and want to care about that becomes the attraction...

 

 

[Janus the Fox]

Yeah, this model does have difficulty in including Aromantic and grey spectrum identities, though perhaps it might as it isn’t explicitly describing the act of Sex or Romance or any orientation.  It is up to the interpretation of who’s reading it.  If it is a study of Psychology or Philosophy, that is perhaps why is up for interpretation. 

[KathyHoh]

7 hours ago, Moonlight_Night said:

I thought I'd do some research about the psychology behind how relationships work and phases of relationships (eg. honeymoon phase). A lot of the information I found was extremely sex-based

I found none that were not sex based to the point of thinking something was wrong with me. I had to go through a lot before googling why I do not want sex. And I had to skim through the negative stereotypes about people who do not want sex, such as past trauma, until I found AVEN and everything made sense. We need more information readily out there for people seeking relationship advice along side the advice for allosexual people. Especially for people who still do not know they are asexual and might enter unsuitable relationships. 

[Man of the Stoa]

8 hours ago, CBC said:

Yeah, that would be my view. Having been in a relationship with an asexual person (the reasons for it failing were definitely not solely due to their asexuality), I didn't ever sense much in the way of passion. Intimacy though, yes.

 

4 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

For me passion also comes in the form of enjoying things together, like playing games/anime/movies... perhaps travel... Just being there with each pother through a daily life. 

These two statements seem to dovetail nicely