Black and over 40 Asexual Woman

[Ms. MG]

I decided to try this website since it would be more tailored to my personal situation.

For the last ten or so years, I have identified myself as an asexual person.  Although I believe this to be a private matter, some people have taken my stance as being celibate and as we know they are two separate issues.  So, I deal with people who make up stories about me having romantic encounters which are completely nonexistent.

I know that I am different from most people and I’ve known this for a long time. I have different taste in entertainment, hobbies, music, and other things.  I am a black woman who would prefer friendships to romantic relationships.

Many years ago, I knew a divorced woman who made family out of friends and her life seemed rather fulfilled in that manner.  I recall many years ago having people come over to my house at different intervals in the day.  I will say many of them were rather annoying but overall, the interactions kept me from being lonely.

Now that we are dealing with mandatory isolation, you would think that people who you meet online would be as eager to strike up conversations and friendships would easily develop.  I suspect many people want friendships but there is a certain form of burnout that many people are experiencing that drains them throughout the day and the last thing they have energy for is to compose a letter of any kind.  Sad, but I do understand.

Since the advent of Facebook and other social media sites there has been a decline in the sort of human connections that many older people remember and no longer take place in large numbers.  Friday evenings are not made of people coming over for drinks and conversation and weekend barbeques are kind of a thing of the past.

I have noticed a few years ago site like Meetup.com would have events that people would seen eager to attend only to cancel and not show up.  What the hell is happening?  I can only assume it is the burnout that I mentioned in the previous paragraphs that prevent real friendships from developing.

Some people say that asexuality is a result of being molested.  I did indeed have a sick experience growing up but many people do.  I suppose everyone reacts differently to it.  Aside from those twisted experiences, I feel as though sex is somewhat overrated and I would rather enjoy friendships.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, I feel a bit repulsed by the activity in general.

As many of us know, this is hard for a lot of people to understand and I resent outsiders blowing the issue up.  I will say the older you get the more people look at you strangely for not being partnered with someone.  I am in my late forties and since my divorce, I have no intentions of dating or marriage.

I prefer to engage in my hobbies and live out the rest of my life doing just that.

It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with people outside of the asexual community but I realize that many of them feel as though sex is important because they include this sort of talk into their jokes and many folks just can’t relate to just wanting to be friends.

I know it is hard for a lot of people in this burn out time but if you can muster up the strength to drop me a line here and there, it would be great.

 Peace!

[Auld_Mulk]

Greetings, and welcome to AVEN.  The scary bits on here in the HOT BOX forums (enter at your own risk) and the fun smiles are in the Just For Fun threads.  I see you found the Older Aces threads. 

 

I must agree with your thinking that socializing has lost a lot of charm over the years.  My grandparents threw big family picnics on summer weekends (before I was born).  Even in my lifetime as a kid my grandfather threw an annual summer barbeque at his farm with burgers and corn roast and a big bonfire in the evening.  Hayrides and water balloon fights.  Man ... awesome memories. 

 

My socializing these days (before COVID-19 that is) amounts spending a Sunday working the dishpit at a family restaurant.  The people (with the owners at the top of that list) there are great.  Ma (everyone calls her Ma) is almost 80 and works everyday (again before COVID).  We work hard but we have fun doing it.  Restaurant people can be the best. 

 

I detest Facebook and won't sign up ever.  Email is better for staying in touch however you are right in that life does not afford much time/energy to keep a conversation going through that medium.  And physical letter writing, history.  The price of progress, I suppose. 

 

Hope to read your future posts @Ms. MG

[Ms. MG]

Hi Auld_Mulk,

 

Thank you for replying to my post.  I will say reading post does make the day go by faster.  It's becoming a cold world with all this COVID-19 drama.  Social distancing is adding to it all.

 

I will check out your post and thank you for introducing yourself.  You are the first person I met so far.  

 

I debate with myself everyday over deleting my facebook account since it only seems to bring me into contact with people that I usually make a great effort to avoid anyway. 

 

Take care,

 

Maria

 

 

[LeChat]

Hi, and welcome! 

 

Although I'm not black or your age, I thought, in case you don't receive many replies (because not all members read or come across every post in every forum), that it's possible that these threads might be helpful for you to check out, too (in case you hadn't already come across them).

 

In the "40s" thread (for people over 40 to discuss things), there are 91 people who are subscribed to the thread; so, if you post there, 91 people will receive a notification to read it.

 

 

There are some black people who've posted in the "Asexual People of Color" thread, and there are 90 people who are subscribed to that thread.

 

And there's a "Black Asexuals" thread, with 17 people subscribed to that thread.

 

 

[Ms. MG]

Thank you LeChat.  I noticed those post before but I thought because they were dated so many years ago that they were no longer relevant.  I will look deeper into them and see if they are still active.

 

I appreciate you helping me become familiar with the site.  

 

Take care and have a great what's left of the weekend!

[KathyHoh]

Welcome @Ms. MG

Lots of interesting threads to read here. 

[LeChat]

Thank you!

 

Yes. The threads are still active.

 

Also, since you mentioned you're in your late 40s, if you feel you relate more with others in their 50s, you are allowed and welcome to enter the 50's thread and chat with others there. (They won't mind; it's commonly done in other age threads, too, and they know that, sometimes, others outside their age range--like those in their 40s, 60s, etc.--like to enter the 50s chat thread to chat with them).

 

Also, I'm sorry to hear that you were molested; there are others on the forum who've also experienced abuse. So, you're right: you're not alone, there.

[Ms. MG]

Thank you again LeChat.  You've been very helpful.

[LeChat]

You're welcome! Glad to help.

[Skycaptain]

@Ms. MG, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[daveb]

Welcome and  !

 

I'm very much an introvert, so big social gatherings never appealed to me, but I understand other people do like them. I still write letters and send cards to a few select people now and then, but find very few other people do. Before the pandemic and self isolation most of my infrequent socializing was visiting with/traveling with my best friend, meeting up with some fellow board gamers to play games, or occasionally visiting or being visited by family, preferably in small numbers.  

 

When looking at threads for possible participation one tip is to look at when the most recent posts in the thread were made. Some popular threads were made years ago, but remain active. Other times you will find the last response in a thread was made months ago or even longer. Those should usually be avoided, but you can always start a new thread.

[Ms. MG]

Thank you Daveb,

 

I used to exchange and receive many Christmas cards but I no longer do.  Life has switched me into a completely different direction which took me by surprise. I do miss old fashion stationary and picking out greeting cards.

 

Board gamers?  I had to laugh at that.  I would do that myself but I know that seems a bit odd to some people. I think it's cool.  I like quirky hobbies too.  I think that's what makes people unique.  Do you think asexuals have different interests because we grow as individuals instead of couples?  Just a thought.  I miss board games. I used to like Milton Bradley games.  It's applied focus.  Much better than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.  You know what they say about idle time.

 

Thank you for the tips on the threads. I remember about ten years ago when this movement was starting to take off, there wasn't as much information as there is now.

 

Nice to meet you Daveb.

 

Take care.

[daveb]

6 hours ago, Ms. MG said:

I do miss old fashion stationary and picking out greeting cards.

Yes. I do like that, too. I also like to buy postcards and send them to people when I travel. And sometimes I make my own greeting cards.  

 

7 hours ago, Ms. MG said:

Board gamers?  I had to laugh at that.  I would do that myself but I know that seems a bit odd to some people. I think it's cool.  I like quirky hobbies too.  I think that's what makes people unique.  Do you think asexuals have different interests because we grow as individuals instead of couples?  Just a thought.  I miss board games. I used to like Milton Bradley games.  It's applied focus.  Much better than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.  You know what they say about idle time.

I don't know if asexuals have different interests, but I do know lots of intelligent people of all sorts who do. The more interesting people who play games, make arts and crafts, makers, etc. The kind of people who actually have books in their houses/homes. People who are happy or proud to be geeks and/or nerds. Those are the kinds of people I tend to gravitate to and relate to better because that's the kind of people I am, too.  

[Quito]

I enjoyed reading your post. I couldn't help but think of there is a time for everything while reading it. A time to socialize and a time to spend alone. I've had periods of my life that were very social and then periods where I stayed home mostly. It largely depends on the city also. Some cities are not that social at all and people might be narrow minded and stick to their little clique.  I'm not kidding when I say I've been living like a hermit for the past several months. I go out to get groceries and to sit on the porch with my cats. That's it. And I'm loving it. I soak in a bubble bath for an hour, lolly gag on the internet, watch movies and television and go for walks. I haven't even missed people. I think this is the first time in my life I can truly say I enjoy my own company. Which is a really nice thing to discover. And yet ... I think regardless of the now ... there will be a time where we are more social again. Ebb and flow of life I guess. 

 

I feel the same way as you about sex and that's just fine. And I really related to when you wrote people regard singles differently than coupled. I noticed a distinct increase in respect from others when I was married for three years in 2001 - 2004. That's really messed up and sometimes has enraged me, if I'm really honest. 

[Ms. MG]

Daveb,

 

I've been called geek, nerd, and dork so many times in my life that I started thinking they were apart of my name.  I've always like odd hobbies and subjects and when I was younger was sort of embarrassed to admit it but as an adult I try to find oddballs like myself.  For the last few years it all started making sense to me why I always felt like I was vibrating on a completely different frequency.  But you know what?  This is completely normal to me and I love it.

 

I'm glad you commented on my post and I hope to hear more from you in the future.

 

Peace.

 

 

[Ms. MG]

Quinto,

 

I suspect I'm happier in solitude but I also have a social side and want to spend time with others since I've been in isolation long before the COVID-19 pandemic.

 

In the past I use to spend time with a few people but always rushed home to enjoy the peaceful feeling of my home which I love.

 

I love how you describe how you spend your free time. I pick up creative writing vibes from you.  You express yourself in a way that flows poetically.  

 

It sounds like you are making positive use of your time and you are happier now after being married for three years. 

 

People encourage marriage for several reasons some people think it's sad to envision their loved one growing old without a "partner".  In the back of my mind, growing old alone makes things so much easier.  Marriage does help financially if a girl doesn't mind combining incomes or having a man take care of her but if she is someone such as ourselves who doesn't desire sex or can fully give herself over to the institution which can be abusive it doesn't makes sense to be in one.  I'd rather live in a one bedroom or studio apartment all my life than have to deal with marriage ever again.

 

I will check out more of your posts and take care.

 

 

 

[Quito]

Oh dear Ms. MG! You just made my day with that compliment about writing, thank you so much. ❤️

 

See you around on the site and you take care also.

[Ageless]

My name is Ageless,

I'm a bi-romantic asexual woman in her mid- 50's.  I'm newly identifying but I'd love to meet my community !

[Guest]

Hi Ms. MG!! I too am a black asexual woman, but I am Biromantic and not over 40. I found my way here cause I'm in my late 20s and was wondering what constituted as an "Older Asexual" here on AVEN.

 

On 6/21/2020 at 5:42 PM, Ms. MG said:

Board gamers?  I had to laugh at that.  I would do that myself but I know that seems a bit odd to some people. I think it's cool.  I like quirky hobbies too.  I think that's what makes people unique.  Do you think asexuals have different interests because we grow as individuals instead of couples?  Just a thought.  I miss board games. I used to like Milton Bradley games.  It's applied focus.  Much better than sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.  You know what they say about idle time.

I saw this part of your post, and it made me think: Have you ever been to a board game cafe? They're really cool! When COVID-19 fiasco is over, maybe you should check and see if they have any in your area. Most board game cafes have communal event nights where you meet people to just play board games. It seems like a thing of the past, but there is actually a big community around it of people of all ages! My sister works in the video game industry, and she (used to) frequently meet up with friends at these cafes. She always tells me it's a great time.

 

What are your other hobbies and interests? You said you have odd hobbies, but I think those are the best kind. I have one friend who is an archeologist who collects old swords and knives from around the world. Going to her house is always a blast because she likes strangest things.