Theacechemist Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 Hi everyone, I just needed to express some things about being asexual, and I started this post as a reply to someone else's post but It didn't feel right so I made my own. I hope this is the correct forum. I started coming out in January, First I came out to my best friends and they had some questions but were all supportive, though now it feels like anytime I bring it up I'm ignored. Which actually sucks but I'm trying to be ok with it. I came out to my brother (2 yrs younger) and he never mentions it or said anything, he does ignore it and I think he doesn't agree with the idea. I came out to my parents in march because I wanted to do it in person, and I was away at college. I should mention that my parents are in their 50's and 60's. I was very nervous and I thought my dad would be ok with it and I knew my mom would struggle with it. They had some questions and the typical does everything work, did someone hurt you, etc. Unfortunately, in the process I reveled that I had sex with my ex, and my mom was very upset and wouldn't even speak to me. I felt very bad and her being so upset made me not proud of my asexuality. After a few weeks I felt more open to the idea of being proud again. Now I am proud and exploring more about myself. While I am out, I still feel like my mom either doesn't like or resents that I'm not heterosexual and I feel like I can't be myself around her. My dad on the other hand is really accepting and we talk about being LGBTQIA+ and related topics a lot when it is the two of us. My mom's feelings don't stop me from being myself they just make it a lot harder, I still wear my ring and have my pride flags but I always feel ashamed when she sees them. It is hard to reconcile my past image with my present reality. Lately it has been really tough. I was so happy when I found out about asexuality and I found a sense of belonging with the LGBTQIA+ community, but now I keep having that debate in my head. Am I really ace, and I really queer or am I just faking it? I think this has a lot to do with how my mom acts and my friends as well. When I was living on campus I really rarely had these doubts, but now that I'm still at home because of COVID-19 they are very prevalent and might I add annoying. Maybe when I move back it will all go away? Maybe if my mom was more supportive I wouldn't feel this way. Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Even some words of encouragement would be welcome. Thank you to all who read and reply. I really needed to share this. Wishing the best to all, Anthony Link to post Share on other sites
Kinghesta Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 Hi! First, I am so sorry your friends and family (well your dad sounds cool!) aren't more accepting... That really sucks😭 15 minutes ago, Anthony019 said: Does anyone else struggle with this? I absolutely do... I very recently asked that same question 'am I faking this?', because sometimes, yes I do feel like that. I personally haven't been in a romantic or sexual relationship before, so I always wonder then how can I know for sure? But I have to trust my gut and that tells me I am indeed very ace. Anyways, on my post of 'Am I faking this' someone responded with this: "Oh yes I want to pretend I'm a stigmatized sexual identity to be misunderstood and mistreated, yeaaa just for attention! Sounds good." For me that really helped? I hope it might for you too, but either way good luck!! You'll get there! " Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, Kinghesta said: "Oh yes I want to pretend I'm a stigmatized sexual identity to be misunderstood and mistreated, yeaaa just for attention! Sounds good." This Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 55 minutes ago, Anthony019 said: While I am out, I still feel like my mom either doesn't like or resents that I'm not heterosexual and I feel like I can't be myself around her. 56 minutes ago, Anthony019 said: I was so happy when I found out about asexuality and I found a sense of belonging with the LGBTQIA+ community, but now I keep having that debate in my head. Am I really ace, and I really queer or am I just faking it? Soooo relate to both of these! No advice, sorry, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
SamewhereSameplace Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 This is going to sound out there, but just give me a sec to explain:Being asexual is a lot like hating the taste of chocolate. Nobody knows, nobody cares, and then when you tell them, they think you are crazy. Some will brush it off as a weird fact or wonder why you told them; others will try to convince you that chocolate is actually great and that you just gotta eat more; and then others will think that you are just lying for attention. Whatever the case, no one that likes chocolate will care enough about your tastes to take it seriously or talk to you about how you feel in a chocolate-addicted world. Get what I'm saying? You aren't having any luck gaining the support of your friends and family because it doesn't even register as an option or interesting topic to them. Your sexual orientation is not valid to them not because it's not legit, but because it's not something they understand or get why it'd matter to you. Empathy for a void is difficult. Here is what you can do: If your college has an LGBT club, join that! I know with Covid this isn't a "now" thing, but it's still something to look forward to. (Depending on your college and what the community is like, they might even have a mailing list you could follow while at home.) Finding and talking with other people irl that don't fit into the default helps tremendously. Everyone having a different challenge while being in a similar age bracket really helps to put things into perspective, trust me! Counter intuitive, but just don't force the subject with your mother/friends. This isn't chicken, this isn't giving in. You aren't giving up on who you are or your own validity, you are just cutting your losses and removing stress you don't need. That they don't accept you is their problem, not yours. Just go about your ace day and ace life and be yourself. Either they take the hint or they don't, but you can't do their thinking for them, so don't let them weigh you down with theirs. Don't agonize over whether you are really ace. It's not a purity test. You can still eat cake either way! Just do your own thing and what makes you comfortable. If you find yourself interested in this and that, or think that you may be, let your mind go there, and see where you end up. Maybe you'll learn more about yourself, or maybe you'll go in circles and end up back at square 1. It's not a race, it is a spectrum, where you end up is a toss up. It doesn't matter what box you fit into as long as you are comfy! It's the year 2020, and there is enough in this would that you don't need self defined labels being what gets you down. Link to post Share on other sites
Theacechemist Posted June 21, 2020 Author Share Posted June 21, 2020 @Kinghesta 2 hours ago, Kinghesta said: Hi! First, I am so sorry your friends and family (well your dad sounds cool!) aren't more accepting... That really sucks😭 "Oh yes I want to pretend I'm a stigmatized sexual identity to be misunderstood and mistreated, yeaaa just for attention! Sounds good." You're right my dad is pretty cool. and the quote you have is actually very helpful. Thank you @SamewhereSameplace I completely understand what you're saying. The chocolate analogy is actually one of the best ways I have heard of to describe being ace. Thank you so much for all your advice. @Iam9man Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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