Do you think being ace affects your ability to hit on people/recognize when people are flirting with you?

[Trundalar]

So I’m 19, and I’ve only ever dated one person. We dated for a little under 4 months. Since then I’ve had crushes on people, but I never made a move. If anything I actively tried to hide my feelings from everyone because I didn’t want to come off as too forward or give the wrong impression about what I want. I kind of wanted to wait for sure signals from them that they were interested in me before saying anything so I knew it wouldn’t be completely unexpected, but it never happened (maybe I missed them?). This could very well be solely because of my well-documented social awkwardness, but I wonder if my asexuality also plays a role and if anyone else has experienced something similar?

[Guest]

I dont think asexuality plays a role in it cause I can spot it a mile away. I juts think a lot of aces dont care so they dont notice.

[Astrea]

I'm like that too. I've even been on several dates thinking I was just having coffee / a meal with a friend and realising what it was much later on. Come ons, even very overt, always take me off guard.
But I don't know if it has do to with asexuality or just me finding people hard to read in general. I also have a terrible memory regarding real people (outside of books / movies / series, I mean) : I can remember conversations word for word for years, but I generally don't remember with whom I've had them... I have a lot of trouble remembering faces (I live in a small town, and I recognize a lot of people through their dogs or houses, whom I do recognize easily), names, and I can't even understand how people do the "he gained / lost weigth/ aged a lot" or "remember which shoes she had on last time?" or "is this a new dress?" things as I  am unable to remember details about people appearance (granted, I never remember what I wore to an event and I'm constantly surprised when other people do).

Through observation and years of trial and error, I've learnt how to navigate around this but socializing was definitely a learnt ability as far as I'm concerned.  And I'm still regularly having conversations with people I have no memories of, not knowing who they are and never being able to connect the dots afterwards ^^'.

[Someone Else]

It takes me completely off guard.  So much so that it doesn't occur to me until years later sometimmes that I missed a potential date/relationship by being captain oblivious.  It might have just been self esteem issues, that inside I was just too automatically sure that she wasn't going to be interested that I hadn't even been considering it to be a possibility. 

[Plushval]

Because of the fact I'm Aro Ace, I rarely "hit on people" on purpose. I have an aura around me sometimes that makes it seem like I am though. I like teasing people and some guys may take that as a flirty vibe, which is annoying, because then they start getting into this vibe as well and suddenly I feel weird and eventually I will distance myself. When I notice we're on the same kinda level and the conversation is turning casual, I usually just go with it. And when I feel like I have a persons interest in my character and not my body or generally me as a woman, but just as a person, I might even start talking about my sexuality openly and see if the person really is up to a friendship with me. That kinda thing.

As for noticing when someone is flirting, yes I do notice almost immediately. So in my case, I think my sexuality does not make that more difficult than it could be, given most guys are also really obvious when it comes to that. I just try to be neutral when I notice and like go for a "normal" conversation, maybe about Marvel movies or video games, trying to get into a "different zone". If that doesn't work at all, like I said, I will try to end the conversation and just show the guy that I'm obviously not interested in that way. If he just leaves me alone then, I know he wasn't interested in a friendship either so bye bye, easy as that. 😀

[Homer]

If I ever caught someone flirting with me (hahaha), I'd assume that they lost a bet or something. I'd probably fail to notice to begin with.

 

Why would I want to hit on someone if I don't want to bang? Seems counter-intuitive to me.

[Janus the Fox]

I’ve never had the ability to flirt or see flirting.  It’s probably an AroAce and Autism thing for me.

[Plushval]

7 hours ago, Homer said:

Why would I want to hit on someone if I don't want to bang? Seems counter-intuitive to me.

I agree with that, even though I would understand if someone enjoys to be hit on anyway, even if it leads to nothing. Cause sometimes... you just feel so flattered (if it's really humble and not some creepy dude) and I honestly think you have the right to enjoy getting a compliment or having a nice conversation while feeling an interest of another person. It just has to be subtle and not like "I'm pretending to be attracted to you and then let you fall all of a sudden". It has to be comfortable. Plus maybe you get a free drink and are able to turn the convo and be honest about your sexuality and intentions (like I did). I can work and feel nice either way.

[Alejandrogynous]

No, but my social awkwardness and low self-esteem takes care of that for me.

 

7 hours ago, Homer said:

Why would I want to hit on someone if I don't want to bang?

It's just fun sometimes. It's like if you meet a stranger somewhere and end having a pretty enjoyable conversation even though you don't feel the need to exchange info or keep in touch afterwards. You didn't become friends but the conversation itself was still nice. Sometimes flirting is just enjoyable in and of itself, it doesn't have to lead anywhere.

[Trundalar]

8 hours ago, Homer said:

 

Why would I want to hit on someone if I don't want to bang? Seems counter-intuitive to me.

Maybe hit on isn’t quite the right phrase. Flirt maybe? Express romantic attraction? 

[Firefly8]

I didn't used to recognize people flirting with me at all, but I've learned a little over the years. Now I can at least recognize those that are really bad at flirting.
I don't flirt with anyone...on purpose. I try to be congenial and if someone looks nice or has a nice quality about them I will tell them, because it's a nice thing to do. If that gets misinterpreted, oh well. 

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Homer said:

If I ever caught someone flirting with me (hahaha), I'd assume that they lost a bet or something. I'd probably fail to notice to begin with.

 

Why would I want to hit on someone if I don't want to bang? Seems counter-intuitive to me.

As a possibly romantic ace I can get what she is saying. Not sure if flirting or even hitting on is a good way to put it though. But yeah, it's ... certainly a romantic feeling I guess like perhaps acting smuggily / charming / cute? In a romantic (or, really, joking. But I'd like to think it's obvious even if the other person wants to view it as sexual)  and not a "I wanna bang u" way.

 

Hmm personally. Maybe my views on reality are a bit skewed as I don't ever seem to notice. But it's probably an autism thing much more than an asexual thing. As a sizeable portion of autists may be ace there's something there though. Like, perhaps the statistics are skewed and there is a reason for that. Some times I had friends telling me "oh, he was hitting on you" but not sure if they were just trying to joke/have fun/tease me/flatter me etc. or literally thought that. And I'd think either "oh, didn't notice" or "well, he was just unpleasant".

 

But today I was thinking about it, how the whole idea of romance seems to fly over my head seeing as I don't wanna have sex -> I assume most people romance for sex -> therefore I don't do (two-sided) romance -> don't notice it either (at least if it's me, sometimes I get some odd couples right though!) -> am completely oblivious.

[Someone Else]

I wonder how many people who can't see flirting are sure that they have no autism?  The two traits often go together.  I've been asked before if I have Aspergers, even if I don't rigidly fit all the checkboxes, and sure enough I have trouble seeing flirting.  I know there seem to be a lot of people here who have autism.  ... of course I don't have enough info to make a real guess. 

[SweetTart]

I've always been pretty good at telling when someone is flirting or interested in me. I've seen a lot of Aces talk about not being able to tell or using it as an indicator of asexuality, but ever since I've experienced flirting first hand, I find it pretty easy to spot the signs. There's a certain kind of tone/body language/atmosphere that gives it away, along with just obvious sentences.

[Someone Else]

My college days are long behind me, back when I think women would flirt and it would take months or years before I'd realize. 
I'll have to actually leave the house someday and be in the presence of women again to see if I've gotten a little wiser.

[Yui-Drakon]

I am completely hopeless at recognizing it. There once was someone I thought wanted me as a friend, but this person was romantically interested and very flirty with me and I managed to miss that. Probably because I'm asexual, but might be just me being bad at noticing things.

[Peace_of_Ace]

I am good at reading people and even if they aren't flirting I can tell if someone is attracted to me usually.  I can tell when anyone is attracted to anyone.  I don't mean that as a brag, I just find people and their personalities really interesting so I've developed the skill of reading people well.  I've been accused of flirting when I wasn't deliberately doing so, but I also have been known to flirt for fun as well.  However, let me say for the record that I was shy and awkward as a teen so this is something that developed more in adulthood.

[Tsareena]

Probably. When someone flirts it either goes over my head or I find it creepy and I move away/

As for hitting on people I don't do that. I have no need to.

[Philip027]

No, but I think my introversion and autism sure haven't helped in this department, though.

[BlakeTheNightowl~]

6 hours ago, Tsareena said:

Probably. When someone flirts it either goes over my head or I find it creepy and I move away/

As for hitting on people I don't do that. I have no need to.

Same 

[BlakeTheNightowl~]

It’s creepy to 

[WaywardHeroine]

Apparently I'm good at flirting with people without realizing it

[SithLord]

6 minutes ago, WaywardHeroine said:

Apparently I'm good at flirting with people without realizing it

I've been told the same. 😞 I was told in 8th grade by some girls that they thought I was a flirt. I was so confused.

[Skycaptain]

I don't, in my case, think that being ace does. However, I do think where I am on the autistic spectrum does play a major part in missing social cues

[DarkStormyKnight]

Hard to say, I'm pretty bad at picking up on flirting though. Actually if anything I keep interpreting people being nice as flirting and start trying to give low-key signals that I'm not interested. Which can lead to a lot of social awkwardness since usually that isn't what people intend.

My personal style of flirting is to admire from a safe distance tbh, I'm horrible at it.  

[songchick]

YES, I struggle with this badly. I can't pick up nonverbal communication, which is a big component of flirting and sexual invite. I remain stoic and platonic, and people generally leave me alone actually.