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Struggling to accept asexuality


Beukennootje

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Beukennootje

I hope I can get across what I want to say as English isn't my native language and it might seem like a not very coherent story.

 

I discovered I'm asexual around 2 months ago and joined AVEN (and discovered I am also aromantic when I joined the forum). I do have some worries, for example the fear of being lonely as all my friends are getting into some serious relationships and starting to move in with each other and stuff. But overal the last few weeks I am like: I might have these worries, but I thought I start to be more comfortable with being aroace.

 

In general, also before I found out I was aroace, my group of friends can sometimes have some deep conversations about sex and/or relationships. I always tried to understand them and I didn't mind them talking about it, because I think it is quite interesting to learn about how they think and feel about those things. I always thought I was a late bloomer and were like: one day I will also experience this and then suddenly everything makes sense.

 

But well, I found out about me being aroace. And as I said I thought last weeks I was kind of starting to accept it and feel comfortable with it.

 

Yesterday I had a birthday of a friend. It was a nice evening, and at some point the deep sex, but rather relationship conversations started. As I said. I don't mind these conversations, I think it is interesting to learn about how others feel about those topics. But where I was always like: I am a late bloomer, some day I will feel it as well, I suddenly realised that is very probably not what is going to happen in the future. The realisation of me probably never going to experience what my friends experience was suddenly quite painful.

 

When I came and went to bed I suddenly started crying. I wanted to be 'normal', to fit more in with my friends, to also experience what they experience some day. I also wanted to feel understood, as my friends always say they feel when other people can relate to some experience they had. Suddenly I wasn't comfortable with being aroace.

 

I am not out to my friends by the way. I am scared they won't really understand me. I am "out" to my best friend since 2 weeks. He is in that same group of friends. He told me when I told him of being ace he wanted to read more about it so he could understand me better. I send him some links, but he is quite busy, so till now he didn't had time to read more about it. But I don't think all my other friends will understand.

 

Do other people have the same experiences? That they thought they were okay with being (aro)ace and some experience suddenly made them feel not okay with it?

How do you cope with those feelings of not feeling comfortable with it? Any tips how to cope with those feelings?

 

 

 

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Hi beukennootje,

 

I so relate to your experience! I'd say that about 90% of the time I am happy being aroace, and then there's the 10% where I am not fine about it at all. That's when internalised expectations of normalcy include a partner and children pop up their heads, when I feel less then because I have no use for experiences that are everywhere described as "universal". At those times I blow off steam to a friend and then get on with my otherwise very nice life. For me it's important not to give too much time to those feelings of discontent because I can make a minor nuisance into a huge drama by overthinking it. So venting to a friend is the ideal way to adres the problem, let it out and move on from it, for me anyway.

 

Oh and as a sidenote. When my friends tried to research asexuality online they just got more confused because of the huge disparaty in experiences amongst us all. So when I told my family, I skipped the terms altogether and just relayed my experience. (They were all like: OK, cool).

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Beukennootje

@MJDai Thanks for your response! So I am not the only one:) Yeah I also tend to overthink, so I have to make sure I don't keep those thoughts too long.

Venting to a friends sounds like a good idea. I just have to find out how to apply it, since I expect these things are going to happen only when I meet in real life with friends, since there is where those conversations about relationships and stuff come up. So that won't be really the place to vent.

 

Yeah I am still figuring out how to get everything the best across (because you don't know such things right from the start). He was like: I am going to research it more. That sounded good to me. To make it more easy for him I send him some websites. I also told him to ask me anything if he has questions or wants to know where I stand on certain things. So I will see how that turns out. If it doesn't work I probably also just explain my experiences if I tell another person about it.

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SolitaireWitchWithCat

Yup, this is normal. I'm not even out to my family yet, though it's on my mind a lot this month, and I'm interacting a lot with a group at my workplace that's LGBTQIA+ who are very supportive, it's as an 'ally' and not as an aroace (which I also am). So you coming out to your best friend's pretty awesome, congrats! :D

 

The reality is, a lot of the world's still coming to terms with a spectrum of sexuality, and they don't know we exist. So when it's difficult to find examples of trans people in, say, media, or gay people or polyamorous people, asexual people are pretty much ghosts. People with sexuality as a driver just assume that you have some form of that mechanism driving you somehow, while you sit there and go 'why are you losing your ever-loving mind over this relationship you're in' and are perfectly unaffected by these sex/relationship things. It can be lonely in the moment, and of course you don't think you can speak up about it, which makes it worse, like you are never going to be your genuine self around others. I've been in situations where I was like 'hoo boy, yeah, X actor's so hot' and well yeah no, but what can I say? 'Well, I think that actor is aesthetically pleasing, but there's no way said actor's private parts will ever smoosh with my private parts, and I'd much rather talk about the difference between fens and bogs, right?'

 

It's hard on you sometimes because you're not out, but it can be incredibly easy to stay in, as an ace, than to be out, that's for sure. Especially in some cultures!

 

You should make a list, even if it's an internal list, about the things that are great (for you) about being aroace, and that will help when you have these moments of FOMO or if the general anxiety about the lived experience you have versus your peeps starts to overwhelm you. For me, I don't have to waste time on dating sites, or dating, LOL! I don't have to deal with crazy relationships, or incompatibility with partners over time, that's a lot of drama you're going to be spared. I don't have to worry about STDs, no parenthood woes for me (if you want to be a parent, parenthood is wonderful, blah-blah), I have much more time to pursue my own passions in life without having to budget my time for a relationship with children or a partner--it's stunning to me how little time some of my colleagues have, between things their partner likes to do, and child-rearing. Whew. So many dodged bullets!

 

I hope your best friend does the work and becomes your best ally as well. I hope you can come out to at least some of your peeps, because I think that will take a lot of strain off of you. If you like kids, you can be that awesome auntie who can help your friends out every now and again. Good friends, I have those, and it's a delight to spend time with them, then be me when I feel like it.

 

Aroace is awesome, I hope I've helped you out a little. It's a cliché, but I swear it does get easier as you go along, apart from the letting people know thing, that honestly still confounds me--and I work in a great work environment in a part of a country that's very accepting of these things all-up.

 

 

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Beukennootje

@SolitaireWitchWithCat Thanks for your message! I am 'glad' I am not alone (although I wished you didn't felt this either). Well, actually I never said an actor is hot or whatever, because I also really didn't know how to do that in a credible way XD When people talked about that hot actor I just kept my mouth shut, because I really hadn't a clue why you could feel that way about persons you don't even know.

 

For that matter: me never mentioning 'hot' actors, never ever fall in love, never had a relationship etc. If my friends would know what asexuality or aromanticism was, they probably could have guessed it. I am definitely not trying to make up some crush or hide my non-existent feelings, and I never did in the past. But they still think I am a late bloomer I guess. Every few months a friend asks: so, how is it with your love life? And then I am like: well, quite stable (which means: still non-existent). And then they don't ask for a few weeks to months again.

 

I am definitely going to make a list like that. You mention things that I really feel the same about and I might even know a few more.

 

I am sure he will do his work when he has time. The main problem for him is getting spare time. I do like kids! So I can definitely be that crazy auntie. I hope in the future I can come out to more friends as well, but I noticed at this point that I already really struggled with telling my best friend. I even needed pen and paper to write it down. I just wanted to tell casually, but then suddenly I couldn't say the words. Like there was something stuck in my throat, blocking the words. So I really need to learn to speak about it better.

 

I really hope it becomes easier in the future! And you really did help me, thanks! :) 🍰

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