BIG FAT LIAR - is it time to confess?

[Mandasaurus]

I didn't know where to post this or who to turn to and honestly I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about the whole thing but I just don't know what to do.

 

I think it would help if I gave some background.

 

I'm 28 and have always been friends with outgoing girls, the sort who have no problem making friends on a night out, picking up dates, experimenting, being an extrovert myself I could blend right in. My earliest memory of the first lie was being at a house party when I was 18, where the group of us (boys and girls from school) were playing never have I ever, I remember the rounds - 'Never have I ever had a threesome' 'Never have I ever had sex in a public place' and each round there would always be a few people drinking, I'm ashamed to admit that I was too embarrassed not to drink on certain rounds, everyone seemed so experienced and I hadn't even had my first kiss.

 

When I was 21 and at university girls would always have 'guys chat' and talk about their conquests and what they'd tried, I remember them giggling about how bad some of their boyfriends were at going down on them and when I admitted I'd never had a guy go down on me (never mind never even kiss me) they were shocked, I couldn't bare to admit I was a virgin. I started to flirt with guys, join conversations about mens penises when I hadn't even seen one before! How great certain positions were, I was so stupid and ashamed of being a virgin.

 

Lie after lie just slipped out, it's not that I've never had the chance to have sex, it's just I'd never wanted to.

 

I didn't know about asexuality at the time, so I just considered that something was wrong with me, to the point that I was looking into therapists without my family knowing. My parents would comment on how odd it was that I had never dated and they were worried about me, and my friends would joke that I was a prude, so I started dating. SO. MANY. DATES. I was then jokingly referred to as 'cold hearted' as I would just throw men away after a few dates, when really the guys would start trying to initiate intimacy and I would panic, as I felt nothing. No connection to them, no attraction, no desire to do anything. Sometimes after kissing them on a third date I would just spend the whole drive home crying, sometimes pulling into laybys just to cry to myself and try to calm down before having to see anyone. I just didn't understand what was wrong with me, why did it seem so easy for everyone else?

 

It drove me to the point of having suicidal thoughts, which I know it seems like such a small thing to become so fixated and depressed about, but I so desperately wanted to be like everyone else, have a family, bring a guy home to my parents and I couldn't even managed to kiss someone without crying and feeling physically nauseous.

 

I find it so strange that in some countries virginity is praised, yet in others you're made to feel weird and broken if you haven't lost it by a certain age.

 

I discovered asexuality in 2018, wow. Suddenly everything made sense. I felt like I had a safe space where people understood, by this point all my friends and family thought I was just callously using guys and then throwing them away, but at 27 I still hadn't even had sex or had a proper boyfriend.

 

Asexual, I finally had something to explain my life up till now, even better there were so many other people like me!

 

And then he came along in 2019. I know a lot of people don't believe in 'the one' but I don't know how else to explain it. Everything just clicked. I remember kissing him on the third date - I made the move and on the fourth date, after watching a movie at his house together, we started walking upstairs to his room and I was shaking 'I'm so nervous' I explained to him 'why are you nervous?' and this is where I fucked up.

 

I was 27, he's 31. I know he's had serious girlfriends and I know how a lot of people consider it odd to be a virgin at my age, so I did what I've been doing since the age of 18. I lied. 'oh, it's just been a while'

 

I can't say there were fireworks or anything, honestly after the whole thing I was just like 'why did I have so many issues before?' but the only difference I can think of is because it's him.

 

I remember after our first time I jokingly said I was a virgin and his response was 'ha yeah right, that would be weird' he probably doesn't even remember it now, but the shame was back. Why did I feel so ashamed?

 

When we discussed exes and how he's had three previous partners and what sort of experience he has, suddenly I found myself blurting out about how I've also had three previous partners. 'Oh, we didn't really try anything that wild' 'Don't worry, you're bigger than most of my exes' 'I much prefer your body than Daves'. Lie after lie, after lie.

 

Next thing I know these 'exes' have names, I've tried certain things with some exes, I've been dating one of them for a year and the other two only a few months, I found out Dave had a girlfriend so we broke up. I based all of it on previous dates I had, I did date a Dave until I found out he had a girlfriend, I had dated Graham for months but I couldn't stop crying after he'd kiss me, I made the 'exes' seem like the relationship was more serious and the common theme with all three was that we had had sex.

 

It's now been a year with my current bf and I still haven't confessed. Sometimes I try to, telling him that I was a virgin and he just laughs and I don't know what to do.

 

Should I take this to my grave? I tell my bf how special he is to me and how I could never stray (he's had a previous gf that cheated) and I really don't think he knows how true it is, but every time a little lie crops up, I feel so guilty. I know being a virgin shouldn't be something to be ashamed of, but I was ashamed. 

 

I'm terrified that if I admit this to him now he'll think I'm lying, or that because I was able to lie about all of this and make up fake stories and everything that I could lie about other stuff. I've never lied about anything else in my life, but this is my biggest secret that not even my closest friends and family knows. I couldn't bare to lose him over admitting this, but at the same time, I'm confident this is the person I will spend the rest of my life with and I don't think he deserves to be lied to.

 

I know I shouldn't have lied in the first place and I'm kicking myself now and feel so stupid, but I really don't know what to do.

 

I'm 28 and I'm a big fat liar. I'm not sure if any of you will understand but I really need help and advice. 

[Purple Red Panda]

In all honestly I don't know what the best course of action would be, I tend to favour honesty but I really don't feel I'm in any way qualified to be giving you advice about what to do. I just wanted to say I understand why you lied, we live in a society where the are tremendous pressures around sex, how you should do it? how often? by what age? and most of it is deeply unhealthy. Virginity should neither be stigmatised or fetishised and I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain because of social expectations about sex💜

[Guest]

(Edit I'm a 32 year old sexual person with a lot of previous sexual experience, so I think I count as qualified and I think any emotionally mature sexual person will tell you what I'm about to tell you!) 

 

See, I don't think these kinds of lies are bad because they only affect you. It would be DIFFERENT if you were saying you're a virgin when you aren't, because of potential STIs etc, but yeah, you weren't actually hurting anyone with these particular lies.

 

It probably would have been better if you could have admitted to this guy in the first place that you hadn't had sex, only because he'd have had sex differently with you to make sure you had a special first time (if he's a good guy that is).

 

Now you have two choices. You can either just go forward with things as they are and take your secret to the grave. It won't hurt anyone if you do that AS LONG AS you can let go of your shame and anxiety around it.

 

The other choice (the one I personally would recommend) is writing the truth in a letter like:

 

"I am so sorry I've been keeping a secret I've been very ashamed to admit because I was embarrassed. I've been worried you'd think I was weird or something if I admitted it and I deeply love our time together and what we have so didn't want to risk losing you. But I want to come clean and just hope you can forgive me for keeping this secret from you. The truth is, I was a virgin when we met. I've tried to admit it a few times (even on the night we had sex for the first time) but you always seemed to think I was joking and it was just easier to go along with that than risk you thinking there must be something wrong with me. The truth is, I just never wanted sex with anyone until I met you, and I had too much pride to just force myself to have sex with someone who I didn't desire, does that make sense? I thought maybe I was asexual or something..  but then I met you and for the first time I understood what everyone was talking about when they spoke of desiring another person. However I was just so ashamed of my virginity that I kept it a secret and lied about having previous partners to try to make myself seem more normal. I'm living with so much stress and anxiety over they fact that I lied to you, I see now I must just come clean and pray you understand. I would love to have the opportunity to speak to you about it all if you will give me the chance to explain myself. I am so sorry for lying, but I feel I have to come clean before we can move on because this is weighing so heavily on me. I love you so much, and you're the person who finally showed me what sexual desire actually is when I was at a point where I thought I'd never feel it. Thank you so much." (Something like that)

 

A letter is an amazing option because it gives the person time to think before they respond (which doesn't work the same when speaking in person) and he can process his emotions before entering a discussion with you.

 

I'm an experienced sexual person pretty much the same age as him, and if he is.. well, a 'good' person (not a jerk) he will absolutely understand and be grateful that you have finally admitted the truth. He will also be flattered that he's the first person you ever had desire for. If he something thinks there is something 'wrong' with virgins and feels disgusted or something, then actually he's not worth being with. Believe me, most of us sexuals who have any emotional maturity actually respect it if someone saves themselves instead of just throwing themselves into sex for the sake of it. Many young people push themselves into sex too early to try to fit in with their peers, when actually most of them (including the peers) aren't ready for the sex they end up having. You did the right thing waiting until you actually wanted sex to have it. I WISH I'd done that. I started having sex at 18 but never actually wanted it with someone until I was 28!! So I had the opposite problem as you, I had to admit I'd had previous sexual partners and even worked in a brothel, knowing that could scare this person away, even though I WISHED I'd saved myself for him. I told him before we were intimate of course because it wouldn't be harmless to pretend I was a virgin, but yeah.. it was something I REALLY didn't want to admit to.

 

Your lie has NOT harmed him, and he should technically be flattered and impressed that you saved yourself for the 'right' person. And he should absolutely understand why you kept the secret so long out of embarrassment due to the way you thought people felt about virgins. If not, if he reacts badly, then I'd question his emotional maturity (meaning he may not have been mature enough to carry on a long-term relationship anyway). But yeah, if he's a good man, he'll understand. And you'll have a huge weight off your chest

[Mandasaurus]

Thanks for all your advice everyone, we live together but he’s over at a friends tonight. I thought I’d have more confidence to confess over the phone so I’m ringing him right now to admit everything  😞

 

I’ll update you in a bit.

[Guest]

I feel like admitting while he's at a friends is a very bad decision!! Wait and write a letter You can't just lump something like that on him while he's at his friends house, nuuuuu!

[Guest]

(Well you don't HAVE to write a letter, but just don't throw it at him while he's with his friend! You can word it better if you sit down to think about it properly etc is all, then find a time to call him when he's alone at home. Like you pretend to go to the shop by yourself, then call him from the park or something while he's having a relax at home!)

[Mandasaurus]

It’s done.

 

It’s 1am here so he was just in bed (friends already gone to bed).
 

I sent him a text message beforehand asking if he was in his room and if I could ring him.

 

He thought it was going to be for some sexy time so said of course (😅) but could we keep it down so we don’t wake his friend in the next room. I responded that it’s not what he thinks, but I wanted to tell him over the phone as I was too embarrassed to do it in person and that I’d been debating how to tell him for months but every time I’d try I would chicken out.

 

So long story short, rang him and said to him that I was so embarrassed and felt stupid for lying, but remember all those times I’d jokenly mention  to him that I was a virgin before I met him, well it was true. Cue gobsmacked response ‘Really?! No wonder you were so tight’ (omg)

He’s thrilled, even more happy that he’s my first everything (I’ve never even seen a penis before) and he said he’s proud of me for taking the courage to be honest about this and I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about and he didn’t think I could go up anymore in his esteem but I have somehow managed to. He wishes he was at home now to hug me, but he can’t wait to get back tomorrow and he’s going to sleep well tonight! 
 

so yeah, I’m going to marry this man 🥰

 

I know I probably should have waited but I wanted to do it while I had the courage. The relief I currently feel is unreal, I was ugly crying and everything down the phone from all the pent up emotions - honestly on cloud 9 right now.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

This is so sweet I can't even 😭😭😭 You found a keeper!

[Purple Red Panda]

I'm glad it worked out so well.

[Mandasaurus]

11 minutes ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

This is so sweet I can't even 😭😭😭 You found a keeper!

He really is a keeper 😭

 

It makes me laugh now to think that we both did all the STI checks before we stopped using condoms, knowing that I’ve never had sex, purely because of my lying 😅🤣

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, Mandasaurus said:

It’s done.

 

It’s 1am here so he was just in bed (friends already gone to bed).
 

I sent him a text message beforehand asking if he was in his room and if I could ring him.

 

He thought it was going to be for some sexy time so said of course (😅) but could we keep it down so we don’t wake his friend in the next room. I responded that it’s not what he thinks, but I wanted to tell him over the phone as I was too embarrassed to do it in person and that I’d been debating how to tell him for months but every time I’d try I would chicken out.

 

So long story short, rang him and said to him that I was so embarrassed and felt stupid for lying, but remember all those times I’d jokenly mention  to him that I was a virgin before I met him, well it was true. Cue gobsmacked response ‘Really?! No wonder you were so tight’ (omg)

He’s thrilled, even more happy that he’s my first everything (I’ve never even seen a penis before) and he said he’s proud of me for taking the courage to be honest about this and I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about and he didn’t think I could go up anymore in his esteem but I have somehow managed to. He wishes he was at home now to hug me, but he can’t wait to get back tomorrow and he’s going to sleep well tonight! 
 

so yeah, I’m going to marry this man 🥰

 

I know I probably should have waited but I wanted to do it while I had the courage. The relief I currently feel is unreal, I was ugly crying and everything down the phone from all the pent up emotions - honestly on cloud 9 right now.

I'm glad it worked! I thought you meant you were going to tell him while he was like, watching a movie with his friend or something haha!!! And yeah he reacted how I thought he would (flattered etc) if he reacted very badly that would be a sign of a lack of emotional maturity, meaning the relationship probably wouldn't have worked well in the long run anyway. But yeah he reacted just how I'd react if I was in the same situation and suddenly found out my partner had been a virgin when we met (if I had a partner, haha). It's a really special thing to know you're somehow so amazing that you're the only person your partner has ever wanted sex with, that's super rare!!!

[Guest]

Keep the secret till your grave. 99% of population does not understand adult virgins. Trust me, it will spare you pain.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, sallimae76 said:

Keep the secret till your grave. 99% of population does not understand adult virgins. Trust me, it will spare you pain.

Any emotionally mature sexual person will absolutely understand and empathize, even be impressed. The OP told her partner after making this post and he was flattered that he was the person she finally was able to desire intimacy with, and he said it made him respect her more than he already did (when he already didn't think that was possible because his respect was so high for her to begin with).

[Janus the Fox]

Interesting series of events here, hope it all goes well long term, Musirants here is here to hear more in future, best of luck

[Mandasaurus]

Hi all, 

It was certainly an interesting evening!

 

My partner is Chinese and his family is Christian, he’s not originally from the UK, so I definitely think the culture he was brought up in has certainly helped him be more accepting as it’s usual where he’s from for people to wait until marriage anyway (I think this was a big part in what helped me to come clean) and also part of the reason I felt so comfortable with him as he’s the only guy that’s never pushed me or tried to initiate anything I was uncomfortable with.

 

On reflection this morning I just feel such guilt for how I treated guys previously, as I broke up with a lot of decent guys purely because I was scared of intimacy and to admit I was a virgin, so I would break up with them on the illusion that I just ‘didn’t feel a connection’.

 

I’ve been considering messaging some of them to explain the situation and apologise for how I treated them, but I’ll talk it over with my bf when he’s back tonight.

 

phew, this has been an emotional weekend.