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Lesbian sexual with potential asexual partner - seeking advice and validation


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I'm looking for some much needed advice and validation.

 

My backstory -  I'm married in a monogamous, lesbian relationship.  Together for 10 years, married for 1.  I grew up in a strict religious household where I knew my sexuality, but suppressed it for many many years.  In our community, it was virtually unheard of to be gay so it was a miracle that my wife and I found each other.  I was in my late 20's when we met and fell in love with her instantly.  I would have married her that first year if it was legal, and she felt the same.  The first few years we lived together were tough: learning to live with another person and their habits, but we had sex all the time.  I'm incredibly sexual, but even I had to take a couple days break in between because it was too much.  She showed as much desire and affection and passion for me that I felt and showed her.  However, the last 7 or so years have been a steep downward trajectory regarding sex.  Initially, I would get so frustrated and angry because there was always an excuse not to.  I tried a softer approach by suggesting that we can just be playful, it doesn't have to lead to orgasm.  I was so deprived, I just wanted to be touched.  After a few years of progressively getting worse, I started to believe the excuses.  Low libido, busy at work, religion says sex is for procreation only, etc.  We both worked full-time, but she let her work take over her life (not sure if it was an avoidance technique).  I supported balancing the workload at home, planning more for the two of us and social events even though I just loved staying in.  I suggested going to a doctor.  She always said she would and never did.  She never researched or tried to learn more about the why.  So I suffered - sometimes in silence and sometimes shared frustration.  I found that her needs were more centered around words of affirmation and cuddling and gentle touch and kissing.  I tried to explain that she mainly needs those things (which I do not), but I compromise and provide more of that for her because I know she needs it.  I explained that I need that same amount in terms of sex (need to feel desired, passion, physical connection).  So she "tried".  She would kiss me longer and more passionately but then push me away.  I have lost count of the number of rejections, the number of times I have cried myself to sleep, or found myself contemplating my self-worth.  I had undiagnosed depression and suicidal tendencies when I was younger and oppressed, but hadn't felt that again until the last couple years.  I went through a lot of self reflection and self therapy, found so many resources in order to find a way to communicate better and explain exactly how I was feeling.  I gave her one year with no pressure to do the same for herself.  I wanted her to understand herself better so she could communicate to me what she wanted instead of constantly rejecting me.  She froze for the entire year.  She didn't do any of the self work. My heart broke into a million pieces.  I was barely holding on as it was and then I find out she just didn't DO anything.  I finally found AVEN and suggested she might want to read some forums and see if the "shoe fits".  I don't know why (probably bc I will always love her), but I again tried to make her feel like nothing is wrong with her and she just needs to learn about herself so we can figure out how to move forward.  It's been 3 months since that conversation, and she hasn't brought up the topic at all.  I'm at a point where I no longer provide any physical touch, no kissing, very few hugs, no cuddles, very little verbal affection.  We live like roommates.  Sleep in separate rooms.  There is no animosity or anger.  I let all that go.  I'm just so hurt that I had a swing into depression and suicidal thoughts again after so long.  It's all related to not feeling loved or desired.  I feel trapped even though I don't see myself with anyone else.    I suggested an open relationship in order for me to fulfill some of my desires, but she was so hurt by it that I never mentioned it again.  It's not really what I want.  I want my wife back.  I want to be happy with her, and I want her to understand herself.

 

I'm sorry for the rant.  I kept this in for so long, it feels good to just say it.  The last thing I will mention is that I have not gone to a therapist, but I am fully willing to go.  However, I am very aware that once I go down that path, there is a very real chance I will leave my wife.  That's the only reason I have been avoiding it for a while and trying my own self-therapy through forums, blogs, podcasts, books, writing, etc.

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Pete&Repeat

I can empathize being in a similar situation.  In the past couple days I've tried to be more affectionate myself, give some hugs or scratch her back a bit.  Trying in general to be more cuddly but it doesn't seem to help much.  I know she deals with depression and anxiety like I do but doesn't like the idea of medication.  I get frustrated because I can see how miserable she is and just has bad days where she's just depressed in general.  At the moment I have her on a waiting list to see a therapist and psychiatrist but no idea how long we'll be waiting.

 

More recently over the past few years she's developed spinal issues so I haven't really touched the topic at all because of that.  For now I'm just juggling work, cooking, and chores to keep everything running as smoothly as possible.  She's the only woman that's ever cared about me and I certainly couldn't see myself without her.

 

The most I can offer right now is that this seems to be a safe place to talk and vent and it's certainly nice to know there are others out there in similar situations.

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Thank you, it does feel safe, and I’ve read through so many people’s stories. I know it might seem mundane, but I’m glad you have regular daily tasks to keep busy.   I found when I was working longer hours, it was easier for me to go along with things. The more time I have these days with the pandemic, I have been thinking about it so much more. 

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Pete&Repeat

I hadn't thought about it that way as keeping busy.  I suppose that's true but it's pretty tiring too.  At least I've been able to be working from home so I haven't had to worry about money.  Not sure what I would have done in that situation.

 

We have a roommate too, one of our friends needed a place to stay but sometimes I get a little peeved cleaning up after everyone.  I just want a thank you and a hug again, but that's my fault for being distant recently.

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TurnedTurtle
16 hours ago, Satya said:

The first few years we lived together were tough: learning to live with another person and their habits, but we had sex all the time.  I'm incredibly sexual, but even I had to take a couple days break in between because it was too much.  She showed as much desire and affection and passion for me that I felt and showed her.

If this is really true, it raises the question about whether your wife is an innate asexual (from the beginning) or has only recently become "asexual." Let me elaborate on both parts.

 

First it is possible for asexual people to not realize that they are asexual, and they get involved in sexual relationships simply because of "cultural programming" -- it is what everyone does, so they feel it is expected of them, and it seems to please their mate even though they might not be getting much out of it themselves. Of course as this goes on, and they gain more experience and get to know themselves better they might come to realize their asexuality. I think there are telltale signs that the sexual partner might sense but not realize what they mean until they reflect back on their history -- for example, are you the only one who ever initiated? was your partner more passive or was she actively engaged in the sex? etc...

 

Second, ultimately sex IS about procreation, from a biological perspective certainly, but in the emotionally complicated human animal that includes the psychological building and maintenance of the bond between parents needed to successfully raise children (which takes many years!). It is not unheard of for women (in particular) to become "asexual" once they know they are done with (the prospect of) having children.

 

Back to the first point, and your story, in my limited experience, I think some innate asexuals are not inclined to do the self-work that you've asked your wife to do. Because their asexuality is such a fundamental part of who they are, they don't have access to the perspective of a sexual person from which to examine themselves, so what's the point? They are who they are.... and they just don't have the "language" to communicate what they need, physically, because they just don't have that need....

 

But everyone is different. Your mileage may vary.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Edited by TurnedTurtle
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On 6/13/2020 at 10:17 AM, TurnedTurtle said:

Back to the first point, and your story, in my limited experience, I think some innate asexuals are not inclined to do the self-work that you've asked your wife to do. Because their asexuality is such a fundamental part of who they are, they don't have access to the perspective of a sexual person from which to examine themselves, so what's the point? They are who they are.... and they just don't have the "language" to communicate what they need, physically, because they just don't have that need....

I would lean towards the first point you made.  I feel like I'm doing everything in my power without being pushy for her to do something (anything) to better understand herself.   What you said here fits very closely to what I'm seeing from her with the lack of effort and communication.  All intimacy in the past was 60/40 (me/her).  When we were intimate, she would initiate about 40% of the time which is what made me feel desired.  During intimacy, she was also giving 60% of the time because that is what she wanted. 

 

The few times we have touched the surface of this topic in last couple years, the most I have heard from her is this:

-She thought something was wrong with her for not having much desire over the years.  I have told her in every manner that it is NOT her fault or wrong or broken even before I knew about asexuality.  Recently, I strongly requested her to read forums on this site, she now feels there might not be anything wrong but still isn't sure what she is/isn't.

-She said she does desire me, and she does desire intimacy (sex).  However, she doesn't completely know what that means for her.  She has said she thought sex equated to both parties coming to orgasm.  I have on many many many occasions suggested everything "sex-lite" like listening to music, reading a book or erotica, a light massage, teasing.  I've also been open to anything she wanted to suggest.  Anything to just feel sensations and not necessarily complete a traditional sex act.  I tried everything I could think of to make it a safe comfortable space for her and for us.  Since she doesn't want to discuss for month and months at a time, I have no idea where she is on this or if she has any thought progression on this.

-She does not want to share me with anyone else.  There was infidelity in relationships in her family growing up, so monogamy is very important.

 

What helps someone on the asexual spectrum to want to learn about themselves?  What would encourage language development and communication?  Even if sex/intimacy is not an innate or strong enough need for an asexual, isn't it part of a partnership to be willing to listen and understand where the other person is coming from?  What type of catalyst would help her truly find her herself?   Is this asking too much?

 

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WaywardHeroine

I understand your reluctance to involve a therapist, but I honestly feel like it would be the best course of action, for both you and your wife's happiness.  Going together or seeking a couple's counselor would probably help tremendously.

Yeah, I don't really know what else to say.  I really feel for you.  It sounds like such a complicated and painful situation.  I really hope things get better. ❤️

  

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anisotrophic

@Satya it sounds like on some level you’re struggling with things your partner does that make you unhappy, and struggling to reach productive communication — trying to give space, avoidant behavior, not wanting to pressure.

 

I’ve made a lot of progress with my spouse the past couple months (unrelated to “sex stuff”), because... I said things had to change. He is very avoidant. The book we’ve been reading “Conscious Loving”, is painfully gender/hetero-normative (dated, I guess), but it has some important stuff that changed my own behavior... in my case, to recognize that I was an enabler of being treated in ways that hurt me ... not that threats are an appropriate response, but that I play my own role if I let someone avoid, make excuses, and break promises.

 

I know people say you can’t change someone. But ... things are changing, I’m sticking to requiring change, and there’s progress. I have to keep pushing him to read the book, to figure himself out, but... years and years of giving him space & time was only perpetuating the problems. So. If someone’s just avoidant but agrees in theory that they want things to be better... maybe don’t be too hesitant to push? Your mileage might vary, as always.

 

This isn’t even about sex. maybe his sexuality will change too but maybe not (I’m ok if he never initiates, I’ve given up on being “desired”), it wasn’t the point, it was about a bunch of other stuff where he was passive and avoidant & general communication issues — defensiveness, apologies, responsibility, gratitude, etc. I told him I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life suffering these crappy patterns.

 

(This all reminds me that he tentatively agreed to find a therapist for himself, I should remind him. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, but he only did a little, and specific to exploring his asexuality.)

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On 6/18/2020 at 6:49 PM, anisotrophic said:

I play my own role if I let someone avoid, make excuses, and break promises.

Spot on.  This is exactly what I've been doing.  

 

I have been through the same thought process as far as pushing more, both gently and aggressively.  Neither have worked very well, and she has told me such.  She wants to learn things at her own pace when she feels like it.  For every 5 things I push, one of them might be effective.  I felt like I was constantly nagging when she should be responsible for her own action/inaction. Quite honestly, she and I both have a lot on our plates.  The difference is that I chose to prioritize our relationship (I did A LOT of work over the last 7 years, and still have more to do).

I spent a year trying to remind her to find and schedule a therapist, which she never did.  Therapy was not a new scary concept for her as she had gone several year ago for a couple years.  She said she wanted to find a new person.  Then her schedule was too busy...and more excuses followed.  So I looked for my own therapist to see why it was so time consuming.  In a couple days, I read through about 50 profiles and found two that would fit my specific needs.  This is one example, but very representative.  

 

Another asexual user was explaining how she was essentially carrying a load of guilt from being the cause of her partner's pain/rejection/unhappiness.  I feel like this is what might be paralyzing my wife to take any steps forward.  She's just not ready.  I don't know if she will be tomorrow or ten years from now.

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anisotrophic
On 6/19/2020 at 5:24 PM, Satya said:

I have been through the same thought process as far as pushing more, both gently and aggressively.  Neither have worked very well, and she has told me such.  She wants to learn things at her own pace when she feels like it.  For every 5 things I push, one of them might be effective. 

I think I'd recommend the book (for all its weird anecdotes and heteronormativity[*]), for yourself at least. It's helped me own my own role in enabling & enduring things that were hurting me. I think it might at least help you sort out what you're going to do.

My husband *is* reading it, and we've made a lot of progress on communicating in the past couple months. But the book applies to close interpersonal relationships (between adults) in general, not just romantic ones. So, lessons in it also help me think about dynamics with others, e.g. family members.

[*] while I was in a "straight" relationship for many years, I've been hormonally transitioning for 10 months or so. My partner previously identified as bi, now ace, idk… whatever. If you do read it, try to read past that stuff I guess.

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On 6/19/2020 at 7:24 PM, Satya said:

She's just not ready.  I don't know if she will be tomorrow or ten years from now.

This is a very familiar situation.  I asked, begged, implored my wife to go to therapy.  She had, and we had together, early on in our marriage,  but she had stopped for 10+ years while I continued. There were several years recently where she would make a half-hearted effort, bogged down with cancellations and forgetting to follow through on rescheduling, stuff like that.  She finally got settled with a therapist who seemed like a good match, has sexuality as a specialty, and takes our insurance.  But apparently she only talked about parenting stress (I know I didn't have the right to ask what they talked about, but I did)  I asked her what her goals were with therapy and she said "to fix the problem", which to her meant everything to do with sex, but was completely unfocused.  I would get angry and impatient.  
But now that we agreed to open up the marriage and I've come out of my years-long depression, she's continuing with therapy for her own purposes.  And I have no vested interested in whether she goes to therapy or not.  I'm free to support her and to be happy for her.

Because one of the hardest things for me to face was the fact that there was in fact nothing wrong with her - not being interested in sex is just part of who she is. Her going to therapy wasn't going to fix our problem; me being proactive was the only option.

Another thought came to mind when reading your post.  About 20 years ago, we were seeing a therapist together who just couldn't understand why my wife was unable to have intercourse.  Once when I met with her individually she asked me "What will you do if there's a little improvement over a long period of time, but only a little bit?"  The only answer I could come up with is that I would go crazy.  Which is essentially what happened.

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3 hours ago, RDIAG said:

Once when I met with her individually she asked me "What will you do if there's a little improvement over a long period of time, but only a little bit?"  The only answer I could come up with is that I would go crazy.  Which is essentially what happened.

Yes, and you’re still there having figured out a solution with your wife.  I appreciate hearing from folks like yourself as it shows others are making it work as well.
 

Frankly, it’s refreshing as opposed to the “been married for decades and I’m miserable” scenarios. There is a way forward if all are willing to put effort towards joint solutions which look different for everyone. If not, there is a door. Courage can’t be overrated in my book.

 

Never forget yourself. We’ve only got one life, so keep on working towards a resolution one way or the other.

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nanogretchen4

There is something going on with your wife that she is not willing to be honest with you about. One possibility is that she is asexual. Maybe she wasn't sure during the first three years and thought the sex would get better if she kept trying. After three years the relationship kept going and even led to marriage despite the lack of regular sex, so it probably didn't seem as necessary to her.

 

Another possibility is that she is straight but afraid of men or not feeling she could have freedom and equality within a heterosexual marriage. Marriage with you might fulfill her needs for companionship and stability, but she is not really into women sexually and romantically, and maybe she has only gradually realized that.

 

A third possibility is that she is indeed a lesbian. When she was younger and your relationship was new, her sex drive was high enough that sex was worth the social costs and religious guilt of a lesbian relationship. Now that her sex drive is lower and the honeymoon is over she's redone that cost benefit analysis and reached a different conclusion. Maybe she thinks if she compromises on being good friends who live together but don't have sex she can have the companionship and stability without God punishing her. She doesn't openly propose this arrangement to you because she thinks you wouldn't go for it, so she's trying to make it happen in a sneaky way.

 

Regardless of what is happening with your sex life, you are no longer communicating and she is not showing any willingness to work on communication or the relationship. It seems that she, like you, thinks therapy will lead to ending the marriage, but I think you should go ahead with the therapy anyway.

 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all.  I wanted to come give an update.


First, thank you all for giving me the space to speak, and taking the time to respond. I am truly grateful. 
 

I had a bit of a breakdown in June which led me to have a “final” conversation with my wife. I wouldn’t continue the relationship if she didn’t start going to therapy.  I also agreed to start couples therapy, but only after she established a good, consistent therapy schedule. She agreed and started seeing one. 
 

I also required that we have weekly meetings on our own to connect to begin unpacking everything.  She was reluctant at first, but 6 sessions later we are both feeling that we created a safe space to have productive discussions. 
 

I had so many built up larger issues, it was too overwhelming to address even one issue in our session. So I started writing and writing and writing. The type A in me organized all my thoughts into separate situations and actions.  I then wrote my accountability in each example and took ownership.  We have not discussed these yet, but it felt amazing to finally get a mental handle on this. 
 

Still a huge work in progress, but we are both putting in some effort. I can only hope it grows from there. And that hope is more than I had when I started this post!


I hope this helps someone else one day. 

 

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anisotrophic

@Satya thank you for the update!

My spouse finally pursued therapy for himself. It's taken some months of me not letting this go (we've been together a decade and a half), but...

I think his therapy really helped. There's something fundamentally changing about his understanding of himself. And (from that) how we're interacting, how I can change (too) to make things better.

 

I know it doesn't always work. I know it's hard to sincerely decide to leave… really reach this point… when you want so badly for things to be better, when you're sure it has the potential to change. But your partner needs to want that to happen. It's not always the case, but sometimes that breaking point does make it happen.

 

On my part, I think I'll be getting a therapist again to help myself change, to match him better, now that we (think we) understand why things went so wrong. Fingers crossed for you!

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On 8/27/2020 at 10:14 PM, anisotrophic said:

But your partner needs to want that to happen

You’re absolutely right. It doesn’t work if it’s one-sided. I felt like it was one-sided for so long. I think her walls were up so high that she lost sight of how to bring them down long enough to see and hear me. And to your point a while back, I enabled it.  


We have a lot of wounds to heal (from relatives and each other).  I’ve spent a good amount of time working on managing my reaction to emotions. Now, the majority of our conversations have better language to support the dialogue.  There is still pain and hurt feelings, but it’s more manageable.  
 

We are still separate (not separated) and in the same space. And after so many years of not being intimate, I thought my drive would just diminish.  But after seeing some progress between us, I am developing the feels again. It’s strange and exciting, but I’m also very aware that she’s not even close to where I’m at yet and still learning about herself. 
 

Glad to hear your spouse’s therapy seems to be helping. I personally have not had the best experience with therapists, but I’ve done years of self-therapy.  I find it suits me better bc I can tap multiple sources and hold myself accountable (also enlist a couple good friends to bounce things off of once in a while for external perspective). *I don’t recommend this to anyone unless you’ve tried everything else, and it didn’t work.  This might change once my partner has a few more sessions and can articulate things I need to work on. 


I’m happy for you and your spouse’s progress, and I hope it continues forward. I know I’m going to continue to celebrate the small wins and hang on to my sliver of hope for a while.  

 

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  • 4 months later...

Dear Satya.

To me it was comforting to find someone in here who is a lesbian and partner to a (possibly) ace partner. 

I'm in a relationship since 6 years, married two of those. Me and my wife communicate a lot and have been through couples therapy focusing on our lack of sex in our relationship. One thing that my wife realized in therapy was that she previously has been having sex not on her own terms or based on her lust, but more for the other person, or as a way of avoiding intimacy. She recently have been starting to reflect of whether she might be asexual. 

We have also discussed whether we might not be compatible (due to our own "broken" past) in the sexual area of life. I'm not at all sure where this leaves me.

I am at a point where I know I need to come to acceptance/find peace of mind around the fact that we might not ever share sex as a part of our marriage. That there are so many  other forms of intimacy that we share, and that those are worth so much to me. 

I guess I'm searching for some peer support in trying to deal with my own emotions in this whole thing. 

Glad to have found the forum and to be able to read yours and others thoughts and feelings. 

Best wishes, 

A

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  • 4 months later...

Hi Vindlin,

 

I’m glad you found this forum, and I hope you’re on a positive path from when you posted in January. 
 

I mentioned previously, I’ve done a lot of self-therapy and continue to do so. My wife and I have a weekly check-in that allows us a safe space to communicate.  I decided to let that be the “fix” for the time being. It came with the understanding that it took us 20+ years to develop all of our baggage, and it might take equally long to unpack those bags. If we both wanted to unpack together, we had to commit to this process. Outside that space, I focused on bettering myself: reading, writing, work, social, fitness.  It’s been about 11 months since I first posted, and I am physically and emotionally the strongest I’ve ever been, and so is my wife. We progress at very different paces, but re-calibrate every week together. 
 

Intimacy - it’s still an issue for which I changed my perspective. It took ten years before we started the work, so it might take the same time after starting it - only if we’re both consistently committed.   If I focus on the long term, it helps get me through the present.  My wife identifies more as gray - we are still trying to understand this. However, we tried to simplify the act of sex to this:  she feels loved through actions, verbal affirmations, physical non-sexual closeness. She is allowed to ask for a certain meal or cuddles, and I can meet those needs by making the meal or providing the physical even if I’m tired or want my space. I sacrifice, so she feels loved the way she needs (most of the time) without needing to reciprocate.  I asked her to view sex with the same lens.  If I ask, she can provide a physical act just like if I asked her to change an air filter - without requiring the act to be reciprocated. Sure, it doesn’t sound romantic, but I think it can work for us. We have tried a couple times so far (it was a hard zero before). The lens helps to get us into the right mindset and limit expectations which takes the pressure off. 
 

Even with so much farther to go, it’s the happiest I’ve been in years.

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  • 1 month later...
Carah Maisie

Satya,

 

Your situation sounds a lot like my own.  Even the personality types.  One thing I learned from my own situation is that my partner shuts down (autistic/ADHD) when emotionally it becomes too much for her.  She knew how much it meant to me, she felt pressured, she basically froze like a deer in the headlights whenever the topic came up.  She felt like our relationship was on the line, when the topic came up.  Emotionally shutting down, and avoiding it all has been how she has dealt with it.  Sometimes this pressure and the past trauma of relationships breaking down creates a very difficult situation.  I feel for you.  Sounds like maybe progress is being made.  Rooting for you both.  Hugs.

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  • 4 months later...

Carah, I hope you and your partner have been able to process a bit more since your last post.  It’s a long and slow path for us, but progressing nonetheless. I’m so grateful.

 

Many hugs to you! 

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  • 6 months later...

Satya,

 

I know it has been awhile since your last post; how is everything going? 

 

My wife told me one year ago that she thinks she might be asexual. Your original post really struck me because I can relate to so much of what you wrote. After 12 months, I'm trying to work through all of this and create a safe space for us both to communicate. 

 

I hope that your relationship continues to strengthen. Thank you.

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It's been really validating to read this whole post. I can relate to so much of what you've said Satya, I have a similar history and dynamic with my partner. I'm also curious how things have kept progressing.

 

Carah, my partner is also autistic (as am I, part of why we are a good match!) and has that same response for years when anything concerning sex was brought up. We've been able to talk about it very recently and that has been a huge relief. I hope things are well on your side too.

 

A lot of gratitude for this forum💙

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WhiteCatandcherries
On 5/25/2021 at 7:15 PM, Satya said:

She is allowed to ask for a certain meal or cuddles, and I can meet those needs by making the meal or providing the physical even if I’m tired or want my space. I sacrifice, so she feels loved the way she needs (most of the time) without needing to reciprocate.  I asked her to view sex with the same lens.

This might not be the case in your situation, but I just wanted to point out that this can be a dangerous way to view things. Sure if she is sex favourable (which it doesn't sound like she is) or sex indifferent it might work. But for a rex repulsed asexual, it is in no way the same. Like sure it can be hard to do something if you are tired, but you don't find the act you are doing fundamentally repulsive. If you weren't tired you would feel neutral or positive about the thing, it isn't fundamentally wrong for you. People should never be having sex they actively to not want to have. Again it might not apply to your wife, just wanted to make it clear that it is not always a view you can take on it.

That aside, I do agree that it can only work if you both put in the effort of making it work. I hope it goes well!

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  • 2 months later...

I’m married to my wife lesbian we are 3 years in a half n 2 years now we only have sex if I’m lucky like every 4 or 5 months once n it’s a quick one what should I do I told her how I feel n she doesn’t even tired to fuck my brains I’m going nuts 🥵

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  • 2 weeks later...
Insearchofinfo
On 6/12/2020 at 4:03 PM, Satya said:

I'm looking for some much needed advice and validation.

 

My backstory -  I'm married in a monogamous, lesbian relationship.  Together for 10 years, married for 1.  I grew up in a strict religious household where I knew my sexuality, but suppressed it for many many years.  In our community, it was virtually unheard of to be gay so it was a miracle that my wife and I found each other.  I was in my late 20's when we met and fell in love with her instantly.  I would have married her that first year if it was legal, and she felt the same.  The first few years we lived together were tough: learning to live with another person and their habits, but we had sex all the time.  I'm incredibly sexual, but even I had to take a couple days break in between because it was too much.  She showed as much desire and affection and passion for me that I felt and showed her.  However, the last 7 or so years have been a steep downward trajectory regarding sex.  Initially, I would get so frustrated and angry because there was always an excuse not to.  I tried a softer approach by suggesting that we can just be playful, it doesn't have to lead to orgasm.  I was so deprived, I just wanted to be touched.  After a few years of progressively getting worse, I started to believe the excuses.  Low libido, busy at work, religion says sex is for procreation only, etc.  We both worked full-time, but she let her work take over her life (not sure if it was an avoidance technique).  I supported balancing the workload at home, planning more for the two of us and social events even though I just loved staying in.  I suggested going to a doctor.  She always said she would and never did.  She never researched or tried to learn more about the why.  So I suffered - sometimes in silence and sometimes shared frustration.  I found that her needs were more centered around words of affirmation and cuddling and gentle touch and kissing.  I tried to explain that she mainly needs those things (which I do not), but I compromise and provide more of that for her because I know she needs it.  I explained that I need that same amount in terms of sex (need to feel desired, passion, physical connection).  So she "tried".  She would kiss me longer and more passionately but then push me away.  I have lost count of the number of rejections, the number of times I have cried myself to sleep, or found myself contemplating my self-worth.  I had undiagnosed depression and suicidal tendencies when I was younger and oppressed, but hadn't felt that again until the last couple years.  I went through a lot of self reflection and self therapy, found so many resources in order to find a way to communicate better and explain exactly how I was feeling.  I gave her one year with no pressure to do the same for herself.  I wanted her to understand herself better so she could communicate to me what she wanted instead of constantly rejecting me.  She froze for the entire year.  She didn't do any of the self work. My heart broke into a million pieces.  I was barely holding on as it was and then I find out she just didn't DO anything.  I finally found AVEN and suggested she might want to read some forums and see if the "shoe fits".  I don't know why (probably bc I will always love her), but I again tried to make her feel like nothing is wrong with her and she just needs to learn about herself so we can figure out how to move forward.  It's been 3 months since that conversation, and she hasn't brought up the topic at all.  I'm at a point where I no longer provide any physical touch, no kissing, very few hugs, no cuddles, very little verbal affection.  We live like roommates.  Sleep in separate rooms.  There is no animosity or anger.  I let all that go.  I'm just so hurt that I had a swing into depression and suicidal thoughts again after so long.  It's all related to not feeling loved or desired.  I feel trapped even though I don't see myself with anyone else.    I suggested an open relationship in order for me to fulfill some of my desires, but she was so hurt by it that I never mentioned it again.  It's not really what I want.  I want my wife back.  I want to be happy with her, and I want her to understand herself.

 

I'm sorry for the rant.  I kept this in for so long, it feels good to just say it.  The last thing I will mention is that I have not gone to a therapist, but I am fully willing to go.  However, I am very aware that once I go down that path, there is a very real chance I will leave my wife.  That's the only reason I have been avoiding it for a while and trying my own self-therapy through forums, blogs, podcasts, books, writing, etc.

I just wanted to reach out and ask...what happened? How did it end or begin something new? Are you happy ?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi everyone! 

 

I feel like i am in need of some words of advice in this sort of situation as well. My girlfriend and i started our relationship when I was 19, and she was 18. She is the absolute love of my life, we have been together for a little over two years now. We get along so well, our only issue is sex.

 

About six months into our relationship she stopped having sex with me, and I would try and initiate and it wouldn’t seem to go anywhere and I was so confused.  We had fights trying to work this out, it was such a sensitive topic that it always ended in tears, and self blaming. I would always do my best to lead with love in the conversation, and just explain how it was hurting me, but it never felt like any active listening was happening. 

 

We have sex, but she only touches me, and the focus is only on me. She stays clothed in her undergarments, and I can’t really touch her in any sexual way without protest. I haven’t touched her sexually in over a year an a half and this one sided sexual relationship is taking such a deep emotional toll on me that i cannot even begin to unpack. I don’t really have any friends i feel comfortable talking to about this, and i have looked into seeing a therapist who specializes in sex, but i just don’t have the money at the moment. We have had plenty of conversations about our sex life, and we have come so far, but these conversations still feel like they go nowhere. I have just felt so awfully alone in my situation. I have spent hours trying to find people in the same situation, just to see if there are any tips to help me heal my sexual grief. I guess maybe it’s time, but I never expected to hurt in this way, and I don’t know how to handle it. Disclaimer!!!! I do not blame my partner I love that she loves to make me feel good and i am so lucky to have someone who loves me the way she does, it is just so confusing to be on the opposite ends of the spectrum in our sex lives when everything else is so aligned. 

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If she is stone, then this is really a matter of sexual compatibility if you want a more.... varied sex life with her. 

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